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My mother is horrible. She has always been mean, mean to me and controlling when I was small, always sarcastic and manipulative. I found out later that when i was litte I always thought my father was really mean because he always said "No" to whatever it was I wanted! Well, I came to learn how she manipulated him to say "No" to me, and threatened him if he said "yes" but came to me and said stuff.."you know I would, honey, but your father said "No" I cant help it",,, She also would get mad at me and throw my dollies and stuffed toys out the car window (I was four) if i cried about something and say, do you want to stop crying or see another one of your babies go out the window??" My father died and I am only child, she moved in with me! Now, I put up with mean insults on a daily basis and she is now 92! Shes not senile, just mean..very mean...I would think that she/I could reconcile some of the stuff, but no, she keeps on going, along with insulting my teens...help!!! My teens are ADHD and we have major issues, school, work etc Sometimes its too much for me to take. I get no help from my 16 year old and 18 year old who hate her. I am lonely, frustrated and cant do anything right in her opinion or the kids opinion, although i have always been home with them, took good care of them. I try to take good care of her, she always has meals cooked; although they are always "slop" mostly or yesterday she told me only "poor people eat pasta"...my hubby is away 3 days a week working..I am here with these monsters. Thats how I feel, a bunch of entitled self centered people who demand every moment. And contribute nothing...any helpful suggestions, i am sad...very sad...

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If your mother cannot afford (financially or physically) to live on her own, then tell her if she continues her hurtful behavior, she will have to go to a nursing home on Medicaid. The real problem does not lie with your Mother or children; it is the fact that you will not stand up to them and follow through on such statements. You probably think of yourself as very kind and loving (which I am sure you are) but in reality your are enabling them to be the Monsters that they are. If you cannot find a support group, go to Al-Anon and see how you are so much like the wife or daughter or mother who enables her loved ones as they continue to drink and become alcoholics.....just substitute alcoholism with Monsterism! Rescue yourself before you get sick...you are being very cruel to yourself. You would not treat anyone else that way.
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If your mother isn't rich enough to live on her own and have servants, then she is poor. Have you told her to move out, support herself and hire a cook? And as far as your kids, they are old enough to wash their own clothes, cook for themselves and clean their own rooms. Do they both have jobs? They should. Stop doing so much. Go on strike and make these ungrateful jerks do for themselves. Otherwise, you are headed for some health problems from all the stress.
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You have to get your mother out of your house. Assuming she cannot live on her own, locate a nursing facility with a good reputation that is not too far away from you, and start the process to get her in. Getting an admit to a nursing home is a lot easier from a hospital than it is from your house. If she is 92, there is probably a reason for her to be in the hospital (sorry to sound so cynical but there usually is). In most cases, she would need to be in the hospital for a few days and then a case manager at the hospital can line up some nursing homes for her. You need to get yourself and your kids some help. It sounds like you are stretched past breaking point already (you refer to your children as monsters) and likely they feel greatly burdened by this miserable woman as well. Take care of them as you were not taken care of by your mother. Importantly, you should be clear with everyone about what you are doing. Tell your mother you cannot care for her because you have your own responsibilities and she is so mean she is disrupting your household. Tell your kids, you are not going to continue to expose them to her daily abuse and make clear to them that you all need a new beginning, which will include caring for one another in a kind and civilized way. Then remember they are teenagers.... Above all, do not feel guilty for not caring for her in your home. You cannot kill the healthy chicken (you) to make soup for the sick one (your mother)! Take care of yourself and then your kids.
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I can relate to many of the responses above. Your teens are probably rebelling in a subtle way "passive/agressive" because "meanness rubs off"! Your mother is your past -- your children are your future. Please consider moving your mother to a facility and get your life back with your kids before it is too late.
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I have a similar issue with teens. My MIL is mean, mean, mean. She does not like our teen son. He is a very good kid, but he is a teen. I am starting to see how her picking on him, and us not putting a stop to it, is affecting him. It is not good. How long has your mother been living with you? We have only been doing this for. Few months, and the impact is very obvious. He also hates his grandmother. That is sad, but I can't blame him. I think we need to find a way to get these nasty women out of our homes.
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I think your efforts are commendable. However, I think you need to have a heart to heart with Mom. If she is unhappy and her presence is upsetting your family life, a change is needed. She may be mean because she is mentall off or it has been a life pattern not likely to change at 92 unless she wants to change.

If she is smart she will try to live happily with you and your family. Most elderly would love to have time with their teenage grandchildren. They would make sure she isn't lonely while you and your spouse work.

But back to Mom, tell her if she isn't happy and your family isn't happy with her there, she will be the one leaving for a nursing home (if she is low on resources-medicaid will fine a placement--then she will indeed be eating "slop"). Or she can go to her own home and hire out a live in aide but she will have to shape up and not abuse them verbally as they will not stay. She will not have a caring family member at either option. Let her know that you will make the call. She will have to adjust at either living arrangement. Current behavior isn't going to
continue. It is disrespectful to your family and it will not be tolerated.

Finally I am an only child and I know this is very difficult to do. But your first
loyalty is to your children and husband. Your mother can't poison the home you have worked to create.

Mom may shape up if she knows she is on her way out of the family home. Perhaps a brief visit to a respite nursing home for a week or two would drive the point home to her if she is a slow learner.

Good luck.
Elizabeth
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You've described my mother to a "T!" She did many of the very same things to me when I was young and worse. She was institutionalized and diagnosed with Bipolar II and a borderline personality disorder. She's very destructive, cruel and has very little control over her own emotions; even on medications.
We have never been able to live together for very long and she has wrecked havoc with her finances so many times that she had no where else to go, as her son is just like her.
Due to all of this, we have already made the decision that once my mother is hospitalized (for whatever) and can no longer care for herself, we will have her transferred to a nursing home; but she must stay in the hospital for at least 3 to 4 days.
Talk to her doctor. See about having her admitted for something!!! Once it's determined she can no longer care for herself, have her moved to a nursing home. The social workers on staff will assist you in working down her assets so that she can qualify for medicaid and once this happens, she'll remain there.
This may sound cruel, but it's your emotional health, your families too and the best place for someone like this.
This is exactly what will happen to my mother once she reaches the state that she can no longer care for herself. You can't even begin to imagine all the things she's done to others in her life. It's like a Stephen King novel, but real!
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I have a mother-in-law who is mean. I finally got both her and her husband in a nursing home....and she is still mean.....with the staff, the nurses, the patients. Complains about not being tended to quickly enough and about the food. It just never ends. MY mil is 85 years old...will be 86 in February, her husband is 94...will be 95 in January. She had been back and forth to the hospital for various ailments, when she was finally admitted to nursing home. My Father in law fell when he was being interviewed by the case workers, and they had him transported to the hospital then the nursing home. He has anger issues about being there, and not being able to drive!! Can you believe that? I am trying to empty out their home of 75 years of stuff....They only have one son left...my husband who is very little help. Their daughter died 3 years ago with cancer. So here I am...my parents passed at their home 10 and 6 years ago. My sisters were there to help. I am at my wit's ends with my MIL calling me telling be to bring items of clothing, wigs, candy, shoes....what ever. I have pitched most of their stuff out. I feel for you dealing with your Mom. Take care of yourself....you are going to need it!!
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Janeirene, simply change your phone number. Don't give it out to mil. Take back your life. Blessings
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Janeirene,
First, good luck and take care of yourself! You are in a difficult space but at least you have some distance from your in laws so dealing with them without guilt should be something you can accomplish. Tell your mother-in-law plainly that she is not getting what she wants by being mean. That you are not going to put up with it, and t the staff will be less responsive to her if she is verbally abusive. Odds are she has much more control over her behavior that she has exercised over the years. I have seen elderly patients in nursing homes, with a long history of abuse behavior, be trained to behave by the staff. For some, it is the first time in their lives, they are being given limits and since they are not able to do things for themselves, they are forced to alter their nasty behavior. Discussing a plan of this sort with the head nurse in charge of your mother-in-law's care is a good idea that way the staff can explain to her plainly and clearly that she will always get the care to which she is entitled but she will not get nice extra visits etc because people are more likely to visit people who are nice.

Also keep in mind, that sometimes this verbally abusive behavior is the result of dementia or in women, urinary tract infections. But, keep your spirits up and head high.
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