Follow
Share

My siblings have kept me from my mom for 7 weeks now. I have no idea where she is. She fell 3 months ago, had subdural bleed, then surgery. I took care of her in her home previously for several years. Sibs deny this and have tried to get me evicted. Excuse is they want to sell house to pay for her care. I leave soon and unsure where to. The cruelness is truly unbelievable. I tried to get APS involved. It was a joke. The young woman spent about an hour with my mom. She returned with comments that my mom did not want me to know where she is, nor her friends. We are the ones who spent the most time with her. Now she is isolated because the siblings have tainted her demented and damaged brain. It is probably one of the saddest and toxic situations anyone could imagine.

My most toxic controlling brother wrote me and emailed me yesterday asking me to not try to find my mom saying she does not want to see me. And then asked me how it felt to know I would never see her again. How sick is this?

As you can imagine, having been her caregiver, this is so painful to have a sick family that would do this to any member of a family. I feel there is nothing more I can do. I realize now my mom was demented pre fall, but now I know she is definitely compromised (per her neuro doc and NP) with being isolated and groomed. It appears they have turned everyone against me, including aunts and cousins. When I called my mom's sister last night, she hung up on me.

The tears I have shed and the grief of this loss is unbearable. I do not know what else I can do. The most toxic brother is very rich and he will do anything to continue to torture me. I have very little work and no home due to the time I spent with my mom. He calls me lazy and unsuccessful. He is rich and that is his idea of success and he tells my mom he can pay for everything, which is a lie. He wants the money from her house, so he does not have to spend his money.

How does one go on? In the darkness of this situation it is hard to see the light. How do you crawl out and move forward? I feel so paralyzed and need to move forward, but it is so hard. I plan on leaving the country to step back and look at situation and take a break. It feels so lonely though and not sure that is the remedy. Not sure what else I can do. How can family treat one person (me) so badly when they were not there to help and now control the end?

Help!

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
It is interesting to think about my mom being responsible for a lot of this. And I think she is. Because she was a single parent, she put a lot of pressure on us. Her sons played the roll of dad, doing the manly stuff and I being the middle girl was playing the same part as the brothers. I always said, " I was the husband she never had." And I played the part well taking on responsibilities, including caregiver. Even up to 3 months ago when she fell. The last couple years have been really trying and we were NOT getting a long well. I decided recently she had dementia. coming on the last year and a half as I look back. Funny thing is one of my friends who is gay (and he takes care of his mom) commented that she is getting the attention she never got before and probably loving it. Then another friend said the exact same thing. That was interesting. But to have her turn against me is very, very strange and it hurts.

She was mean to me the last time I saw her when she was in rehab, but mellowed out too after some time. I brought some friends to see her and they witnessed this. And I spoke with her alone before I left telling her to not listen to the siblings, and to not be angry at me, that I loved her. And that was the last I saw of her over 7 weeks ago. I know my jealous, cruel an controlling brother is calling the shots. To ask me how it feels that my mother never wants to see me again, is downright dirty. Everyone I have told this cannot get over the mean spirit he has. He certainly has issues. So, I have blocked the brother's emails and I leave the country in just a bit over 2 weeks. I miss my mom terribly, but I have tried everything I can do to see her. His comment if I found her, I would be escorted out by the police, shows what he is like. He will never see what he does is wrong because he is angry an arrogant. My solace is Karma will take care of him. So, I am moving forward. I just wish things had not ended this way with my mom and I. A friend thinks I should try to get a letter to her via a friend. Not sure how or if it will make any difference. With her polluted brain and brain injury, I am not sure it will make any difference. I feel I already said my peace. Not sure how more will make any difference. I cannot imagine her turning against me like this. I cannot imagine any parent doing that. She is 92.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Radiator, My brothers are complete buttwipes ( being nice) One is a control freak the other only cares about his friends and forgets he has family. They both treated me like dirt. Neither having a thing to do with me until it was time to take care of my mom. You did that you took care of her. My mom had dementia and forgot who my brothers were when she came to live with me. She never mention their names the whole time even up to her death. I am not saying your brothers have turn her against you, but with dementia they do forget. First and foremost you have to love yourself, this amount of hurt you are carrying is not doing you any good. You did your part, now its time for you to start your life and move on. Forget your brothers as it seems they have forgotten you are their sister. Family can be the most crulest part of ones life. We deal with it, let it go and carry on. Let him have the house, believe in Karma its a powerful force.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

radiator, it sounds like it is time to let go. You have done your duty and the best you can do. The guilt of your siblings will be on them, and hopefully the universe will someday pay them back in kind for any bad things they do. For now, think about what you can do for yourself. And go ahead and mourn, because it sounds like you effectively lost your mom. Good luck.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I think Pam has a point there. Most parents don't all of a sudden start taking sides. Most folks with dementia simply become more and more the way they've always been.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Ask your counselor if your mother is trying to divide you children, keep you arguing so that she feels in control ?? Has it been that way in the past?
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Thanks Pam. I keep getting similar advice from others. I guess I am the kind of person who always wants an answer. Why? How? The cruelty that humans inflict on each other always amazes me. I am guilty too, but not to their extent. I would never keep my parent from any of their children. My counselor believes there is a real disease in my family. Sadly, I think my mother has/had a lot to do with this situation. Hopefully I will escape soon to a better place geographically to work on my healing. I look forward to happier events!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

radiator, there is light to be found along your journey, but like the dawn, it comes up slowly. The cruelty of siblings is something you can't fix, work on the things you CAN fix, like redirecting your thoughts to a happier event. The rest you throw away. (((HUG)))
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Pam, I have been doing the 2 things mentioned. I am taking those steps also. It is very hard. Today the counselor said that select family members are mean and full of anger. It will be a journey of healing. I feel better today when I look to the future, but if I think about things too much, I start to crash again. How siblings can be SO cruel, is beyond me. But the reality is they have their own issues they have never resolved. I am working on mine.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

radiator81, you need to get some help from your MD. Start with an antidepressant and some counseling. If APS said stay away, then you work on healing yourself first, and finding a place to live. One step at a time. You need to find resolution with guidance from a professional.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I do not want to stay in her house. I am trying to get out. I live in a very expensive city and I gave up work opportunities in a good career to care for her. Due to that, I am not employed except for on call work.

I think the only thing an lawyer can do is try to do guardianship and he said it was hardly worth it and too expensive. Obviously something I cannot afford.

I am paralyzed with depression from the siblings hatred and toxicity. I never knew how bad it could be and that in her demented mind, she would take sides with the ones who never did anything for her, but are now, seeming heroic. She is loving the attention, from what friends have said, since she never got it from them and now has turned on me. How crummy and cruel is that?
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I'm sure there's another side to this story but I don't doubt your sincerity.

If your mom isn't living in her house there's nothing wrong with your brother wanting to sell the house to help pay for mom's care, even if you're living there. That house is an asset and can be used to pay for so much care for your mom, there's really no reason why you need to live there. If you're not caring for mom I would think you'd want a place of your own.

Why don't you see a lawyer? Maybe a lawyer can help you see your mom.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.