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My mom died last week at age 94. And I keep replaying the last few months of her struggle. Mostly she was out of it and sleeping or dementia, etc. But at times when she was awake I could see how scared she was and we both cried. I don't know how to deal with the fact she was scared and in pain and dying. I keep replaying it in my mind trying not to forget, and trying to understand it and deal with it. My mother was a sweet passive person and it hurt to see her withering away. One minute she was fine the next minute pneumonia, dementia, kidney failure, right over the cliff. And I can't seem to justify it or understand it at all. I ask her forgiveness because I tried to keep her alive as she was in assisted living, 2 hospitals, nursing home and then hospice. I did everything I knew how to do, but her body just was shutting down. And it doesn't help that I had no family to help me. Thanks for your help everyone!

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You allow yourself to take time to grieve. BUT when depressing images appear in your mind, you consciously redirect them to happier times. Old pictures of celebrations, favorite music, favorite recipes. Cognitive therapy means recognizing the things that drag you down, setting them aside and reinforcing the positive memories.
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Bloom, my heartfelt sympathy to you for your loss.

My Dad was 95 when he passed, and it seemed like within a couple of weeks he went from feeling pretty good to going on a downward spiral. For my Dad it was aspiration pneumonia. In my Dad's case, he was ready to part company with this earth as he had missed my late Mom, who passed the year before.

We are unable to change the course of events when it comes to medical situations, they are what they are. When one is in their 90's, they had lived a very long full life. The body just starts wearing down. Throw in some dementia, and that tends to hasten the final journey.

For my Dad, when he was in Hospice, I told him while he was in a coma state "Dad, go see Mom, I will be ok. You taught me a lot, especially with home repairs, I know every tool in the toolbox and how to use it... thank you so much". He passed early the next morning.
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Dear Bloom,

I'm so sorry for your loss. My deepest sympathies and condolences on the passing of your cherished mom. I know it hurts. And its only natural and normal to think back on months and weeks leading up to her passing. I had the same questions after my dad passed. Its so hard.

You did so much for your mom. Its a terrible shock. You had gone through so much with her and naturally you expected her to recover and carry on. And to see her suffering in hospice was not easy.

Everything you are feeling is natural and normal. Please be kind and gentle with yourself. Grief is overwhelming. 5 months after my dad's passing I still struggle with his final months, weeks and days. I still think back to that last day he was alive. I didn't realize it was going to be our last day together and I hate myself for being so impatient with him. Its hard. I'm still taking it day by day.

Please know you are not alone in your thoughts and feelings. Thinking of you. Sending you lots of love and hugs during this difficult time.
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Mary Renault wrote about our unpreparedness for loss: she said "...as the bird foresees the winter, but not the night of ice that will drop it from the bough."

As humans, we're peculiar in our ability to understand that death must come to everyone. But we're never ready to lose those we love, and it's always too soon.
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Maybe you can volunteer as you're working through your grief. Or, I know this may seem a little out there, how about adopting a rescue dog from the local shelter? Older dogs are so wanting to be adopted - they're so appreciative of getting a second chance in life - and they know it! The dog will need a daily walk at least once a day and this walk will be good for your soul. I actually saw the cutest bumper sticker last week: My therapist has a wet nose. It was printed on top of a dog's paw. All dog owners will understand this. :-) I didn't grow up with pets but after my father expired, I adopted two cats and two dogs so my elderly mother could have something to nurture as she no longer could do this for my father. The pets made such a positive change in her life that on my Bucket List is to open up an animal rescue group in her name. Finding your life's purpose is a big undertaking - and you could find it as early as tomorrow - but until you do, take gentle steps in trying different things to see what works for you.
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I'm new here-this is my first post and look at this website-but I saw your post and had to respond. First, my heart goes out to you. I'm dealing with my own mom in much the same way and I too have no family to help. They're there, but not there. I have a feeling that those of us here are your family and we care, just as you do.

I feel like everything you did, you did from your heart, from love, and your intent was pure. You were trying to help your mom, and she knew it (and still does).

There was a point in which there was nothing you could have done, as her body was just worn out. But you stayed by her side, and that's what counts. She raised a caring, compassionate daughter and I really hope you can direct some of that compassion toward yourself. It's something I struggle with too, but it helps to remind yourself of this.

Please try not to beat yourself up over this, I know, easier said than done but you did all you could and you stuck with her. She did know it. Sometimes all we can do is let them go and wish them well. I have had to do this with my dad, so I know how that feels.

You did everything you knew how to do, you are right, and that in and of itself makes you a very special kind of person, the kind that we all wish we knew, were, or aspire to be. Your mom was lucky to have you, and don't think for one minute she didn't know that or appreciate it. When I lost my dad it was within weeks of finding out he had a terminal illness. I barely had time to get used to the fact, but after he passed I told myself that each day, in some small way I would do something to honor him, and I do that. It's been 18 years now. You are reaching out and sharing your story, and even though this is hard to believe, I have found some measure of comfort in your courage, your story, and knowing that I'm not the only one going through this. I am sad for you too, yes, and I felt that in your post. 

One day at a time and be compassionate with yourself, it's a process, but know that your story has helped me and you've honored your mother today by sharing it. I wish you well!
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In your grief, also remember you were her rock. You were there for her. Through the toughest time of life for her....you were there to be with her. You should take consolation in knowing that you made it better by being there for her through it all.

Grieve for the loss of that sweet lady and remember the good times. And always remember the major contribution you made for her!
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Thanks. I am working with a therapist. Its only been a week since she's passed. But today I feel purposeless after having helped her all these years. The question with my life, eventually, will be, now what do I do? I am just feeling this loss and emptiness.
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Bloomschool,
I am so sorry you lost your dear Mother.You are an awesome daughter to give her all the good care you did for so long.Peace be with you in the days ahead{{{Hugs}}} Lu
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Bloomschool,
So sorry for your loss.
The first advice given by Pamstegma about redirecting your thoughts may help you, after you have grieved a little while.
Come back after visiting your Moms grave, we will still be here for you.
So many have losses, have been alone, have been a part of this community even years after the loss of their loved one.
You will always be welcomed here.
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