I am dealing with the loss of my mother and her struggle.

You allow yourself to take time to grieve. BUT when depressing images appear in your mind, you consciously redirect them to happier times. Old pictures of celebrations, favorite music, favorite recipes. Cognitive therapy means recognizing the things that drag you down, setting them aside and reinforcing the positive memories.

Bloom, my heartfelt sympathy to you for your loss.

My Dad was 95 when he passed, and it seemed like within a couple of weeks he went from feeling pretty good to going on a downward spiral. For my Dad it was aspiration pneumonia. In my Dad's case, he was ready to part company with this earth as he had missed my late Mom, who passed the year before.

We are unable to change the course of events when it comes to medical situations, they are what they are. When one is in their 90's, they had lived a very long full life. The body just starts wearing down. Throw in some dementia, and that tends to hasten the final journey.

For my Dad, when he was in Hospice, I told him while he was in a coma state "Dad, go see Mom, I will be ok. You taught me a lot, especially with home repairs, I know every tool in the toolbox and how to use it... thank you so much". He passed early the next morning.

Dear Bloom,

I'm so sorry for your loss. My deepest sympathies and condolences on the passing of your cherished mom. I know it hurts. And its only natural and normal to think back on months and weeks leading up to her passing. I had the same questions after my dad passed. Its so hard.

You did so much for your mom. Its a terrible shock. You had gone through so much with her and naturally you expected her to recover and carry on. And to see her suffering in hospice was not easy.

Everything you are feeling is natural and normal. Please be kind and gentle with yourself. Grief is overwhelming. 5 months after my dad's passing I still struggle with his final months, weeks and days. I still think back to that last day he was alive. I didn't realize it was going to be our last day together and I hate myself for being so impatient with him. Its hard. I'm still taking it day by day.

Please know you are not alone in your thoughts and feelings. Thinking of you. Sending you lots of love and hugs during this difficult time.

Mary Renault wrote about our unpreparedness for loss: she said "...as the bird foresees the winter, but not the night of ice that will drop it from the bough."

As humans, we're peculiar in our ability to understand that death must come to everyone. But we're never ready to lose those we love, and it's always too soon.

Thanks for the responses. Yes, I struggle with visions of my mom in hospice. Today and yesterday I went to the gravesite and prayed, I will do that everyday for a week or two. But today, I feel kind of empty with a lack of purpose. As I was taking care of and helping my mom for many years. Now, I have no family, except an estranged sister who doesn't care. And I am feeling alone and with out a sense of direction. I don't know what I want to do. And most of my friends work and live 20+ miles north of where I live. No friends in my immediate area. Any suggestions how to find a new purpose in life? Thanks.

Have you met a with a grief counselor? Jumping into finding a new purpose can be interpreted as trying to avoid dealing with the emotional upheaval from a painful loss. I did this with my deceased father. I was racing to do this or that because I didn't want to openly acknowledge he was gone. Forever. I was doing everything I could to not allow myself to feel the pain, the sadness, the anger, the regret, the what-ifs. I'm not saying you should stay home with no human contact. I just think you need to give yourself time to breathe, to think through things and this is why seeking professional help may be of value to you now. You may find a better purpose after you've had some time processing everything that's happened, with a professional.

Thanks. I am working with a therapist. Its only been a week since she's passed. But today I feel purposeless after having helped her all these years. The question with my life, eventually, will be, now what do I do? I am just feeling this loss and emptiness.

Bloomschool,
I am so sorry you lost your dear Mother.You are an awesome daughter to give her all the good care you did for so long.Peace be with you in the days ahead{{{Hugs}}} Lu

Bloomschool,
So sorry for your loss.
The first advice given by Pamstegma about redirecting your thoughts may help you, after you have grieved a little while.
Come back after visiting your Moms grave, we will still be here for you.
So many have losses, have been alone, have been a part of this community even years after the loss of their loved one.
You will always be welcomed here.

Maybe you can volunteer as you're working through your grief. Or, I know this may seem a little out there, how about adopting a rescue dog from the local shelter? Older dogs are so wanting to be adopted - they're so appreciative of getting a second chance in life - and they know it! The dog will need a daily walk at least once a day and this walk will be good for your soul. I actually saw the cutest bumper sticker last week: My therapist has a wet nose. It was printed on top of a dog's paw. All dog owners will understand this. :-) I didn't grow up with pets but after my father expired, I adopted two cats and two dogs so my elderly mother could have something to nurture as she no longer could do this for my father. The pets made such a positive change in her life that on my Bucket List is to open up an animal rescue group in her name. Finding your life's purpose is a big undertaking - and you could find it as early as tomorrow - but until you do, take gentle steps in trying different things to see what works for you.

In your grief, also remember you were her rock. You were there for her. Through the toughest time of life for her....you were there to be with her. You should take consolation in knowing that you made it better by being there for her through it all.

Grieve for the loss of that sweet lady and remember the good times. And always remember the major contribution you made for her!

I'm new here-this is my first post and look at this website-but I saw your post and had to respond. First, my heart goes out to you. I'm dealing with my own mom in much the same way and I too have no family to help. They're there, but not there. I have a feeling that those of us here are your family and we care, just as you do.

I feel like everything you did, you did from your heart, from love, and your intent was pure. You were trying to help your mom, and she knew it (and still does).

There was a point in which there was nothing you could have done, as her body was just worn out. But you stayed by her side, and that's what counts. She raised a caring, compassionate daughter and I really hope you can direct some of that compassion toward yourself. It's something I struggle with too, but it helps to remind yourself of this.

Please try not to beat yourself up over this, I know, easier said than done but you did all you could and you stuck with her. She did know it. Sometimes all we can do is let them go and wish them well. I have had to do this with my dad, so I know how that feels.

You did everything you knew how to do, you are right, and that in and of itself makes you a very special kind of person, the kind that we all wish we knew, were, or aspire to be. Your mom was lucky to have you, and don't think for one minute she didn't know that or appreciate it. When I lost my dad it was within weeks of finding out he had a terminal illness. I barely had time to get used to the fact, but after he passed I told myself that each day, in some small way I would do something to honor him, and I do that. It's been 18 years now. You are reaching out and sharing your story, and even though this is hard to believe, I have found some measure of comfort in your courage, your story, and knowing that I'm not the only one going through this. I am sad for you too, yes, and I felt that in your post. 

One day at a time and be compassionate with yourself, it's a process, but know that your story has helped me and you've honored your mother today by sharing it. I wish you well!

Write a very short heartfelt letter to your estranged sister. Two short paragraphs.
Don't mail it.

Look at it one week from now, make it shorter. She lost her mother too?

Send it.

Some of the hardest grief to recover from is unforgiveness. Do the work to forgive, and set yourself free.

No judgment here.

Again, sorry for your loss.

Dear Bloom,

I hear you. I am in the same shoes. Asking the same questions. After caring for my dad for so long, I still don't know what to do. I think I still need to let my mind accept the loss of his passing. I'm not there yet.

Everyone is so different. And what works for one person might not work for another. Continue to be kind and gentle with yourself. Focus on the basics for now. Eating enough, sleeping well and maybe even going for a short walk.

Friends and family have gently suggested I take courses from painting, to cooking, possibly traveling, volunteering, adopting a dog or cat. And so far I've said no to everything. I'm just not ready. My mind is not ready. I'm just trying to get through this first year without my dad.

I'm so sorry for your pain and sorrow. Please know you are not alone.

The big feeling I have besides loss, is that there is no family for me in the area I live. And I feel that I no longer want to live in this city but want to move back to the area I spent several years growing up in another state. My friends still work and all of them live 10-15+ miles north of where I live, so I feel very isolated and constantly reminded of my mother every where I drive in this area. I am retired and thinking I should get a part time job.

bloom ((((hugs)))) and my deepest condolences in your loss. You were there for your mother and in time that will comfort you.

What you are experiencing is normal grief. I agree that replacing the memory if the last images of your mother with something happier helps. Generally it is considered wiser to wait at least a year before making any big changes like moving. You need to process your grief without introducing something else major to deal with.

When I lost my youngest son years ago, I put my fave photo of him in the wall where I could easily see it and whenever those last images came, I looked at the photo. It helped. That loss of purpose will pass in time. I had three other children, but felt no purpose for a while. It is part of grieving.

Give yourself time, cry when you need to, talk with those who understand, journalling can help, meet with friends, as you feel comfortable doing so, so you can get some hugs, look up the stages of grief to help you understand what is happening to you.

There is no easy way around it. Look after yourself - stay hydrated, eat properly, a little exercise is good... and keep coming back here and tell us how you are. doing. More (((((((hugs))))))

Bloom everyone here understands your pain. You took the best care of your Mom, hang on to that. There are stages of grief which your therapist has probably explained to you and the time frame is different for everyone.
As Golden wrote don't make any big changes for the first year. That gives you time to reset your memories.
Cry when you need to there is no shame in that and the tears can be very cleansing.
I would not rush out to get a job that would be difficult untill the wounds begin the heal. When you feel up to it a little volunteering may be helpful.
If you love animals they could be a great comfort to work with. Perhaps you don't feel like facing the world yet so you don't need to. You can help a not for profit by stuffing envelopes at home. Don't be in hurry to get rid of Mom's belongings. Take it slowly and do a little at a time.
Moving may be a good idea when you feel strong enough if you have friends and family in the new location.
Do you have neighbors who could use your help? Perhaps do some shopping and stay a few minutes when you deliver them. Make a cake for someone and something for yourself. Not feeling like eating is also normal, but try and not loose too much weight. Get things like nutritious drinks if you don't feel like cooking. You will find many friends here who are ready to talk and provide a virtual shoulder to cry on.
You may enjoy the "Whine thread" or caregivers cats behaving badly. Everything does not have to be serious1 Blessings.

Bloom and all, what a nice thread. I'm very sorry for your loss. I agree about not moving or getting a job per se, yet. Volunteering 1-2x week might be really nice, though! Seeing a body break down is very shocking, so I guess we could say you're in post-traumatic shock or something? Please, no one think I'm comparing, but I lost a young rescue dog to an unknown disease a few years ago and I was in a sort of shock for a few months. It is simply shocking to see it... so understand that and be gentle with yourself as others have said! You don't 'feel right' and part of that is you don't want to yet, it wouldn't be natural to you. It's okay, be with it. YOU are your purpose, btw, and you'll come around to that. And rethink how far 10-20 miles is - I say that a lot, too! - but it's not far. Go meet up with your friends here and there, it's very good for the heart! Bless you, take care.

My mother passed 20 years ago and I still have intense feelings and sometimes grieving over the event; she was 76 years old with stomach cancer. I tried, as you, everything I knew, but nothing helped. After the passing it took me three years to regain a normal sleep pattern. The best thing that happened to me was listening to a radio program in which the topic was death and dying. The advice still stays with me today. You can learn to integrate the passing, but it will always be what it is. Find ways to integrate by exposing yourself to other people, see what they do and how they do it. Me, I had to go back to work so exposure was easy to come by and not always easy to endure. Time will help you work this out. Be kind to yourself. When I get through this round of caregiving I plan to take a week and go to a spa for some pampering.

Hello Bloomschool, don't be discouraged. Your mom lived a long life in spite her illness. The good memories is what you need to hold onto. You did your best to see her though in the last days of her life. Your support and continued caring for her is all that matter. She knew somewhere inside that mind that you were there and she appreciated it.
I'm going through now with my mom and it's not easy. The dementia comes and she becomes a different person. Cursing and combative, wanting to leave and go home when there's no home. Yet when she's in her right frame of mind she thanks me for all I do. She tells me how much she loves me and appreciate what I do. I'm sure your mom felt the same way towards you. As for family not being there I understand that too. That's what made you stronger and you are a special person. It takes someone special to do what we do. So be encouraged and live in peace, she's not in pain anymore.

Sincerely
BMC962

You said your mom cried with you at the end - she was going to leave you alone with no support & that's more likely to have saddened her more than being afraid of dying - at 94 your mom was ready for bodily peace & keeping her longer may not have been the best route FOR HER

You have lost the person that your life pivoted around so thinking of yourself as a boat & your mom as your anchor - that anchor is lost & for a while the open sea will be a combination of calm days & windy days but eventually you will find a new harbor that maybe you won't anchor in but tie up to the wharf -

Your therapy is your GPS to help find a new direction in life - when you find a harbor just remember it is not the only one & you may need to go to several before you find the best FOR YOU

You have a lot on your plate learning the new normal of you life without her there - your daily rhymes are going to be changed & the extra time will hang heavy at times - think of your kind mom & would she want you too depressed ... NO because she loved you, so the best thing to do to honour her memory is go forward with your life in contentment -

You can miss her but also think of so many whose parents died young & you have so many years of love & memories from her that others were denied - so try to think of it as counting a blessing not just your loss as hard as that could be

My mother is 95 years old and she is now going through the same things your beloved mom did. She had pneumonia in December. She now has dementia and failing kidneys. Although I have 2 brothers, I am alone with my mother now and it hurts seeing her the way she is now. She keeps asking if my dad came home. He passed 20 years ago.

Great stuff, moecam! :)

I am so sorry for your loss. When I recently lost my mother, I sought out a psychiatrist and also having church friends helped me.

I am so sorry you lost your mom. Mine is in a memory unit at the NH and last week, she finally allowed them to put her in a wheelchair. She had fought it for so long trying to walk and falling. She is on a downward spiral also and I know it is only a matter of time.
I also see family members of other patients that are no longer with them come into the facility and visit with patients, read to them, do their nails, hair and just chat a bit. Since you were always there for your mom, perhaps you could do something like that also for others. So many have no one. You can see their eyes light up when someone visits for even the briefest of time. Also, there is a senior center here that has volunteers come in and teach or help them with arts and crafts. I plan to donate a lot of my moms quilt fabric to them since some are quilters. Also meals on wheels always needs help here.
Take time to grieve but, also to remember the good times. Perhaps helping others will help ease the grief and loneliness.

Thank you for the comforting words moecam! I needed them as well. It is hard to put things into perspective after losing our beloved parents. Its hard to get our minds to accept this new reality. But I keep reading your words and the words of others to try and convince my mind, I can carry on as well.

I am sorry for your loss. My Mom is in a nursing home with Alzheimer's. I have a comment and a piece of advice... Reading your post tells me that you did everything a person could do to keep your Mom safe and comfortable. I see so many people who never get visitors. At age 94, bless her soul, the body just said it couldn't take any more and it was a blessing for her pain to end. As far as advice... Take good care of yourself. Most people reading this are doing so for a reason, and we all know how hard it can be to be the caregiver. She is at peace now. Thanks for sharing.

My hope for you is to be very proud of what you were to your Mom and why you did all that you could. Grief will be part of your days, your Mama is smiling down on you always. Totally understand the lack of support, I am second of nine and often feel so disgusted with non involved full of excuses siblings, we do what we know is right and be thankful for the time and memories we have of our loved ones. Take care.