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MY mother is currently in rehab but will be back home soon with my dad, who isn't in the best health. She has had several strokes and has dementia. She seems to take out her frustrations on my dad the most (I am second in line I guess but I have the privilege of leaving and going home). Any practical tips to help him? I don't want to put her in a nursing home, but I do worry about his happiness and health too. He has help that comes in, but I am afraid she is going to drive them off. My mom was never easy to deal with per se, but this is a new ballgame.



She accuses him of:
- having an affair with the help
- holding her prisoner
- what ever else you can think of.



I miss my real mother. I have a friend that says "at least your mom is still alive"... no, she's really not.

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Have you consulted her doctor about a med that can help calm her negative behavior? Can dad get out of the house for an activity he enjoys, even if the helper needs to take him?
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She really can’t help it, this is dementia and she’s sick. Also stroke victims have emotional lability, which means they’re on a roller coaster and you never know if they’re going to explode or freak out or exhibit any other extreme behavior that is impossible to live with. If she could go to memory care now, it would likely be in her best interest and his. I hope you can do this because it’s the only way your dad and you will get any peace. If she does have to go home to your dad, ask for strong meds for her, which might help. The strongest possible meds, in fact. You and your dad need to rein this in and make sure he’s okay. I hope you can work it all out.
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Its a no win situation you're all dealing with here, let's face it. With dementia, everyone loses. You've lost your mom, dad's lost his wife, and if you're not careful, you'll all lose your minds and your health trying to jump down the rabbit hole with mom and figure out how to keep her calm. It's a very difficult situation, to say the least, but mostly for dad who's bearing the brunt of the emotional toll it's taking on him.

Do they have the financial resources to place mom in a Memory Care Assisted Living facility? If so, that may be what's best for her and for dad, too. She'll get round the clock care and activities there and dad will get his life back. He can go visit her daily once she settles in, if he'd like. Same goes for you. My mother lived in a Memory Care AL for nearly 3 years and received an excellent level of care there from a team of people who really loved her, and vice versa. Look into it, that's my suggestion.

If there aren't financial means to fund this, look into daycare for her so dad can have respite from the chaos she causes him.

Speak to her doctor about calming meds for her agitation, too. Accusing dad of all those things is a sign of agitation.

As far as tone deaf friends telling you how lucky you are to still have your mom go, the most relief I'd felt in years was the day God finally took my poor mother out of her misery and to heaven with Him. People who make such statements need to spend a few days in your shoes to change their tune. I hate dementia with everything in me, I really do.

Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation
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gardnergirl2, has your Mom had a recent Urinary Tract Infection test? If not, that could be the cause why your Mom is acting that way.

If the UTI test comes back that there is no UTI, then it is the phase of dementia. Sadly it will only get worse.

Sounds like your Dad is the main caregiver any time the caregivers are not there. Please note if your Dad's caregiving is becoming exhausting and stressful for him, he has up to a 40% chance of dying, leaving behind your Mom. That in its self should be reason enough to place your Mom either in Memory Care or into a Nursing Home.

Otherwise you would be finding yourself next in line to be a caregiver 168 hours per week, with no help if your Mom keeps driving off the caregivers.

My own Mom did that, and eventually after she fell, had rehab, Dad and I placed Mom into a Nursing Home because she now needed a professional village to care of her.
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If you want Dad to die first, bring her home. Otherwise, put her in a memory care facility where she can be cared for and you can focus on Dad and his health and visit her.

You can't do everything for everyone, and her needs are such that they're dangerous to others around her. Memory Care knows how to handle people like her and they don't get driven off by nasty behavior.
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