It seems like so many of us have the same issues.
My mother has not been nice all my life. So these last few years have been even harder to deal with.
But, 2 months ago my mother had a stroke. She seems to have recovered okay from it, but it has warp sped her dementia! My 2 other sisters, well one tries to relieve me once a week, but the one that actually lives with my mother has been, well, not available. My mother couldn't go back to thier home, because it was filthy. So she came to stay with us while it got cleaned. (6 weeks later still not clean). I could deal with her I think though, if mom wasn't so nasty! She remembers things, but she cannot do everything herself. I just cry everyday, because she is just that mean. My 15 year old just avoids being in the same room, and I feel bad. Our home is usually lots of fun, but we all just tippy toe around.
I am sorry to say, I wish I could just take her someplace else till her home is ready. What do I do. I want happiness back in my home again....
I still do love it here, I do not live with her, but I do live about 100 yards away. I refuse to give up my sanctuary to live with her. My family wants me to move in, but remember, "mother" seems normal to us..... They all want what's here when she is gone, but no one helps with the upkeep and "mother". She has no will, poa etc..... the only thing I have is her medical poa.. but, I was informed recently, that any decisions should go through all the siblings first... she is 83
Anyways, FWIW, *I* believe you! If I had a nickel for every time I heard "she's sharp as a tack" just because my mom recognized people and conversed a little, plus could memorize the date from the sign on the wall long enough to give the doctor the right answer...well I would not be a millionaire but I'd have enough for a couple months worth of good coffee.
I am coping better, and finally got my mother to go to the doctor, and they re-prescribed my mother her medicines. Zoloft, Xanax, blood pressure medicine, Namenda etc.... Now everyone who was on my side as far as believing me, with how she acted and how she treated me, believe that maybe I'M THE ONE with the problem. After dealing with my father's passing, all the while dealing with her, and still no help from family or friends. (They at one time believed me.) Now with mother starting back on her prescription medication, she is more calm and can hold a conversation a little longer. Soooo, it must be me now.
Now, I hear, I don't see what your saying about mom. She seems to be doing so much better after father has passed. Little do they know, but the questions they ask, and her replies are basically what I have told her. She NOW can repeat questions, from what I have been telling her. It is going around full circle again. No one called her after my father died. NOW on mother's day, no one can see any difference in her behavior from before my father passed... AM I the one lost? or is my mother still the narcisstic, pity seeking woman she has always been?
I would really like a response, from anyone so that I know I'm not the one going through mental illness. I am totally at wits end. Either that, or my sisters and brother feel, they don't have to worry as much. Maybe, I'm just helpless forever
My mother has Parkinsons, has had a number of strokes (which she's come back from) and has had dementia for some years. She has life long been a narcissistic, mean and evil woman, knocking me about and pushing me away since I was very small and all I do and have done for her is merely duty. I gave up my home and career to move 200km and spend 4 years as a slave/punching bag, trapped in her basement, unable to go anywhere due to her constant falls and demands. Every ER in that small city has a chair with my name on it and I was almost on a first name with the paramedics. Eventually she had a major fall and spent a month in hospital, bitching all the way. Our doc advised that I put my foot down and not take her back as the social services agencies will just keep tossing them back to you and write them off.
Planning to move back into the country and lead a simpler lifestyle, I got her into a lovely NH not far from the wee cottage I bought. She's Jekyll and Hyde - she'll be reasonable for a few days, then she'll be on the phone ranting, raving and bashing me over the head. Of course it's just the dementia and she'll nap and have forgotten all about it but each episode leaves me rattled. I get to the stage where my stomach thunders at the mere thought of having to deal with her.
I recently took a stand and when she gets nasty I don't call or visit for a few days, when I get weepy messages on my phone "Don't abandon me, you're all I've got". Eventually call her and sort her out and she's fine ... for a while. She has no friends, having alienated the few she had over the years so I'm "it".
This afternoon I got a call from her.
(1) Someone called her between 8 & 9 last evening, was it me? Nope. I know to call just after breakfast or lunch as she sleeps most all the time. Well she was mad about it and bashed me for ever daring to think I could call in the evening.
(2) "I've been thinking (that's always bad for my health!) I should get a little house like yours". Really? Reminded that she can't look after herself, can't get groceries, cook (hasn't used more than a microwave in 15 years), clean, deal with garbage or take care of a house she screamed at me "Yes I can" - she can't even walk unaided! When she gets on these toots her answer to "Who's going to take care of you?" is "YOU" ... nope, not happening, I can't do 24/7 which is what she needs.
Spent today up a ladder - in the middle of renos to this wee cottage which needs a lot of work, along with 2 acres which takes me 3 hours to mow with the tractor. In the middle of nowhere surrounded by fields and forests I love it here and am prepared to work to make it a nice little home.
I am NOT prepared to take any more of the cr*p I've taken for a lifetime. My phone just went and I let the machine pick it up. It's her again and I'll listen and take a nap with my dogs/cats. I will not call her back. I may eventually change my phone number so she can't get at me. I've been considering it for some time.
My point is that, eventually, you have do the best you can, give it your all and have the courage to walk away. The relief is incredible.
Think about how you would feel and your own children that you took care of since birth turns their back on you?
Can you do that? Turn your mother over to Social Services and walk away? In the 5 years I've been caregiving and researching caregiving I've never heard of that. I've even had a class in elder law and nothing was ever mentioned.
It kind of sounds like those people in Nebraska who were dropping off their troubled teenagers at the hospital because the law on no questions asked for unwanted infants was written too broadly. I've got to admit I had some fantasies when that story was in the news.
My mother sounds like a duplicate of Magicanne's mother. Mean, mean, mean and always has been. I know age with dementia and strokes and lack of blood to the brain can change a personality, but this is just the same old personality. Her hearing and sight are diminishing but her mouth still works loud and clear.
Any ideas on how I can defend myself against this form of elder abuse? She can't be turned loose on her own. That would be inhumane. But I'd sure like to get rid of her. Do you really think Social Services would take her on?
Believe it or not, the idea that your mother is totally different when others is around is common. The frustration for the caregiver is nearly overwhelming, at times, when we have to deal with this. You see this woman charming those around her and acting normal, and when they leave you are the whipping post. People here understand that.
Was your mother always like this, or is this a personality change? That does make a difference. Aging brings on many loses, and even basically nice people sometimes take out their own frustration on the person closest to them. But if she was always abusive, and is just more so now, then you are dealing with something different.
Either way, you need to find a way to get some relief by getting away for awhile. I hope you'll check out your state aging services. There should be a phone number online. They could direct you to local help - perhaps your Area Agency on Aging.
However, if the situation if bad enough, you may have to turn your mother over to Social Services (along with her finances), and separate your living quarters. You can't go around feeling like you want to kill yourself. Thankfully, you do have your spiritual life. But, honoring your mother doesn't mean destroying yourself. Please look for some relief, and keep coming back here to vent. It does help to talk it out with those who understand.
Blessings to you too. :)
Just don't forget that you need to take care of YOU as well. We're here, we care and many are or have been where you are right now. I hope you return to share more when you can. Blessings to you, Rainbow Painter
I just found this site and I am so glad I did. I hope this will be a place where I will be welcome and where I'll feel free to tell some of my story and vent because I definitley need to do that. I am just about at my wits end and don't know how much more I can stand. I live with and care for my 92 year old mother (and 7 cats) in her home. I'm never happy and, after saying goodbye to one of the few friends I have (she went back home today after visiting for a few days) and the
experience at the doctor's today and another upsetting talk with my mother after we got home, I am so depressed, sad, lonely, and discouraged that if it wasn't for my religious beliefs, I would kill myself. I really would.
I feel like taking Tigger, my cat (thank God for her), and just leaving and let my mother get along the best way she knows how. She is not a loving mother. I am convinced that she has no love for me whatsoever as her daughter, that she only thinks of me as her servant and that that is my purpose for being on this earth. Not only does she not show any love for me, she doesn't even show me any respect.
She is so contrary and has a very nasty disposition when something doesn't suit her, and getting old and her condition in general doesn't suit her at all. She puts on a front when she's around other people. She doesn't act at all around other people the way she does when it's just me and her. And when something doesn't suit her, she takes it out on me by snapping at me as if it's my fault. She would never talk to anyone else that way, including to my sister. Most of the time she sits in her chair with her hands in her lap. She is very depressed and doesn't care about anything or anybody. It's pitiful. I'm so glad that I have a room where I can be in when I'm not having to do something for her. I couldn't stand to be around her all the time.
I desperately need someone to talk to about these things, someone who's willing to listen and who will understand exactly what I'm feeling.
I have to go now but I hope to come back here soon if I'm welcome to.
Good luck to all of you. My situation is bad but after reading about some of the situations with people on here, I see that there's others with a lot worse problems than mine.
Also, parents often "get" something, even when you don't think they will. I felt I had to see my mother at the nursing home every day, and do her "special things." After dementia and some other issues put her in occasional abusive moods, I'd struggled. One nurse said, "Just don't come tomorrow!" I couldn't imagine that. I just put up with it. But one time, I'd had enough. The next day, I just couldn't go up to see her. I didn't even call. Boy, when I visited the following day, she was sweet as pie. I learned something about standing up for myself that day (I'm still learning, a little at a time).
If my Dad were still able to understand what was going on around him, he'd be so furious with my Mother for what she's putting me through. She's on her 5th attorney and still fighting me. Dad doesn't have long to live and I'm trying to spend as much time with him as I possibly can. And yet, my Mom is spending all of her time inventing things to accuse me of. When my Dad passes, I am ready to walk away and never see or talk to my mother again. She will (probably) live a very long life....the mean ones always do....but it will be lonely and miserable because she has cut herself off from most of the family. I hope I won't worry much about it when that happens.
As for you, I will pray that you and your husband will support each other and grow closer as you work at repairing the damage your mother has created. Don't let her have control over your marriage. Don't let her destroy what is so important to you.
You promised your dad under pressure. That is not a promise you have to keep, while putting your own health at risk. You need help, and you need to be able to walk away from abuse.
You and your husband both need to find some respite help, even if it's paid, so you can have time to reconnect, before this wrecks your marriage. Yes, you haven't had time to grieve. I know I didn't, and it wasn't until after my mother died that I was able to slowly go back and grieve them both. It's taken years.
Keep coming on the site. We can't fix your problems, but we can listen. Please do look at some outside help, and don't feel guilty. You are doing your human best. Don't wreck your health and marriage to honor a promise that you didn't know how not to make.
Thanks for the cyber hug! Things are calming down a bit with my Dad. He's been in his new Intermediate Care Facility for a week now. The daytime staff there is great. I'm not sure about the night shift, though. They don't seem to have the same sensitivity as the day shift. But one thing's for sure....they all know that I'm there as a permanent fixture and can see what's going on. I make sure that I'm there for at least one of his meals. And I also go back in the evening to help get him settled in for the night. Because this is the weekend, I know there are a lot of other family members who will be visiting, so it takes some of the responsibilities off of my shoulders.
My mother continues to visit every 4 to 5 days for about an hour or less. My brother came with her on Thursday. In a fit of his anger, my brother ripped all of the family pictures off of my Dad's wall. I can't even imagine what caused him to do this. I spent the time yesterday to put the pictures back up, taping the ripped ones back together, smoothing out the creases, etc. As my Dad's guardian, I now must make a decision on whether my brother's visits are harmful to my Dad.
I did get a new attorney...a woman this time. My other attorney was fine for geting the guardianship, but he seemed to turn into a milktoast lately. He was more about giving in than fighting for what I needed for my Dad. I finally had 'enough' and started searching for a new attorney. This one isn't afraid of going into a courtroom. I've found there's actually a term called "Court Phobia" where a lot of attorneys try to resolve things out of court rather than have to actually go into a courtroom. My new attorney is going to fight for me and, consequently, for my Dad. Yea!
Things are starting to settle down. Dad is in a good place. The staff there knows that I'm doing what's best for my Dad. They all seem to be on the same page as I am.
Dad has come out of his 'fog' a little and is starting to be able to carry on conversations again. He continues to talk about things from other times of his life and so doesn't always make sense. But he's back to having a sense of humor and enjoying his visitors. He's still on Hospice and isn't expected to be around more than a few months. But I'm grateful for his improvement, no matter how small. Oh, by the way, the care facility staff said that a lot of patients come to them from the hospital and are sleep-deprived. That's why they sleep almost non-stop for the first few days when they get there. Last Sunday, my Dad slept most of the time my husband, sons and I were visiting. Last night, my husband visited with him and they had a great conversation. Big difference!
I will keep you all posted as to what happens next! Thanks for your continued support.
I am sorry for all you are going. At least the hospital staff intervened at times which is great but unusual. I know there is nothing I can say to bring any comfort to you except that when I talk to God I will ask for some measure of comfort for you and wisdom for that family of yours. I can not imagine how you are coping with all that you have going on at this time and all I have to offer is my friendship. I do not know if your reading the bible esp. the psalms would help take you away from your life for a while. I so wish I could be there in person for you and give you a hug.
My 67 year old father-in-law was diagnosed with Parkinson's approx. 5 years ago. After my mother-in-law died (3 years ago) we noticed that he was not caring for himself. He showed lack of concern of personal grooming, doing things outside of the home, or even energy. After a several discussions with my husband I reluctanely moved into my father-in-law's home with my husband, myself, and my three children. (my father-in-law has always been an ungrateful person and very degrading of my husband - therefore my reluctance) I agreed because I saw the concern in my husband's eyes when he thought of his dad being alone across town.
At first his needs were basic, laundry, preparing meals, preparing his daily medications, transporation to doctor's appts. etc. However, in February of '08 my nightmare started. My father-in-law began to swell in the feet and legs. After taking him to his Cardiologist he was diagnosed with Congestive Heart Failure and placed in the hospital. He spent the next 8 months in and out of hospitals 11 times. During this past 8 months he has been diagnosed with Congestive Heart Failure, COPD, Sleep Apnea, Kidney Stone, Deterioration in his back and ankles, Depression, and Anxiety.
Now, he is considered "home bound" and needs help doing pretty much everything on a personal stand point (banking, paying bills, meals, etc.) His physical care varies. He has his days when he needs help putting on his clothes, obtaining things cuz he can't walk, and then he has days when you wouldn't know he suffered from all these conditions.
Although his physical health has stabled his mental health has gotten out of control. And so has mine!!
I won't trouble you with every little detail but in the past year and a half of living here my father-in-law has not only degraded my husband on a almost daily basis but he has also began degraded myself and now my children. (I have a daughter that is 17, a step son that is 17 and a son that is 6).
My father-in-law name calls, has been in my face screaming at me, has called the police on my husband (trying to have us removed from "his" house), has been in my step-sons face telling him to get out of "his" house, downgrades the way I cook, look, and handle my life. He fights us on his care. He refuses to use his medical assistance devices and cancels half the doctor's appts we set for him. He even complains on a daily basis to us and anyone else that listens that he wants supper at 5 o'clock and I should do it when he wants it now when the family wants it. I was not brought up in a family environment of such distress I am like on eggshells. I never know what he is going to do and say. I have been to my wits end and packed my things up and was heading to my mom's house but then both my husband and my father-in-law beg me to stay. For the sake of my husband, I do. But now it's getting very hard to keep a positive attitude.
I want to move out for the sake of my children but my husband avoids the situation. What does someone do?
This whole thing has been the worst nightmare in the world. At a time when I want to be spending with my Dad, I'm constantly having to get on the phone to talk to attorneys and put out 'fires' that my brothers are setting. This afternoon, the hospital quality control manager asked for a meeting with me because my brother called and complained about what I was doing. She looked at my legal documents and said she'd call him back and tell him that everything I was doing was legal. He even complained that the hospital staff was 'spying' on them last night when they had Dad sign whatever that form was.
The nurses tell me that everyone responds to terminal illness in their own way. And that may be what is going on with my mother and brothers. Thank goodness my two sisters are supportive of me and what I'm doing for our Dad.
Has anyone ever had someone like this to deal with???