How do you deal with a mother so mean and abusive?

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It seems like so many of us have the same issues.
My mother has not been nice all my life. So these last few years have been even harder to deal with.
But, 2 months ago my mother had a stroke. She seems to have recovered okay from it, but it has warp sped her dementia! My 2 other sisters, well one tries to relieve me once a week, but the one that actually lives with my mother has been, well, not available. My mother couldn't go back to thier home, because it was filthy. So she came to stay with us while it got cleaned. (6 weeks later still not clean). I could deal with her I think though, if mom wasn't so nasty! She remembers things, but she cannot do everything herself. I just cry everyday, because she is just that mean. My 15 year old just avoids being in the same room, and I feel bad. Our home is usually lots of fun, but we all just tippy toe around.
I am sorry to say, I wish I could just take her someplace else till her home is ready. What do I do. I want happiness back in my home again....

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When someone is dying, people often make promises out of love or desperation. They also tell others they will, "never put them in a nursing home." It's hard not to do this. For those who have not already done it - the best answer is, "I will always try to do my best for you, but we don't know the future, so I can't promise that."

You promised your dad under pressure. That is not a promise you have to keep, while putting your own health at risk. You need help, and you need to be able to walk away from abuse.

You and your husband both need to find some respite help, even if it's paid, so you can have time to reconnect, before this wrecks your marriage. Yes, you haven't had time to grieve. I know I didn't, and it wasn't until after my mother died that I was able to slowly go back and grieve them both. It's taken years.

Keep coming on the site. We can't fix your problems, but we can listen. Please do look at some outside help, and don't feel guilty. You are doing your human best. Don't wreck your health and marriage to honor a promise that you didn't know how not to make.

Carol
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SUNSHINECAREGIVER
You are right my cat seems to know when my fibromyalgia or R.A. is bad and he sleeps next to me and leans his warm body into mine and his warmth helps me go to sleep- it is the best medician-I lucked out when I met him at the shelter 2 yrs ago and when I cry he really seems to understand.
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There is so much in all the posts that I have read that is my mother, in one aspect or another. At first, no one believed me, I tried desperately for someone to just listen, until I found this site.

I am coping better, and finally got my mother to go to the doctor, and they re-prescribed my mother her medicines. Zoloft, Xanax, blood pressure medicine, Namenda etc.... Now everyone who was on my side as far as believing me, with how she acted and how she treated me, believe that maybe I'M THE ONE with the problem. After dealing with my father's passing, all the while dealing with her, and still no help from family or friends. (They at one time believed me.) Now with mother starting back on her prescription medication, she is more calm and can hold a conversation a little longer. Soooo, it must be me now.

Now, I hear, I don't see what your saying about mom. She seems to be doing so much better after father has passed. Little do they know, but the questions they ask, and her replies are basically what I have told her. She NOW can repeat questions, from what I have been telling her. It is going around full circle again. No one called her after my father died. NOW on mother's day, no one can see any difference in her behavior from before my father passed... AM I the one lost? or is my mother still the narcisstic, pity seeking woman she has always been?

I would really like a response, from anyone so that I know I'm not the one going through mental illness. I am totally at wits end. Either that, or my sisters and brother feel, they don't have to worry as much. Maybe, I'm just helpless forever
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Hopeless, yours is truly a case of no good deed goes unpunished. You pulled off a minor miracle in getting your mom medicated and acting and feeling better, and now no one can imagine that's what made the difference. If it helps any, my daughter's fiance just got started on a little Celexa after some very angry episodes on his job, and its been the same kind of turnaround. (PTSD? What PTSD?) - He is a veteran and highly entitled to his PTSD, and hopefully will continue getting support and counseling for it - he is very good at what he does, and they made it a point that if he got help he got to keep his job.

Anyways, FWIW, *I* believe you! If I had a nickel for every time I heard "she's sharp as a tack" just because my mom recognized people and conversed a little, plus could memorize the date from the sign on the wall long enough to give the doctor the right answer...well I would not be a millionaire but I'd have enough for a couple months worth of good coffee.
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DEADRE
I found that I just had to leave the room often when my husband was verbably abusive which is how your Mom treats you.Sometimes you can talk to the person but I talked about until I was blue in the face. When it was time to come home from rehab he would agree to be better and would be for a few days and then he would go right back to being mean. Now I tell myself I am worth more than that and his power over me to try to bring me down is gone. It took a long time for him to GET IT. When I told him other people were talking about us from what they see when we are out together he was shocked he could not understand what he was doing wrong. Now I don't go out with-I go bymyself to places we use to go together. I don't think your sisters' house will ever be ready- after 6 weeks she should have had at least enough of the house ready to take your Mon back. I was told by a therapist I was waiting for someone to rescue me and that was not going to happen-I had to do it for myself--it was very very hard to change and he resised it like crazy-he was happy me being his servant-his life was good my health was going down the tubes. Keep in touch it helps to verbalize. Take care
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Sometimes peaceful non-retaliatory quietness and silence or soft music is the best answer. Mindful quietness will transport you to a peacful place where the "noise" starts to fade into the distance, much like so-called "white noise." Neither your Mom now anyone else ican give you happiness back. If you really want it, you will have to reach for it and re-create it in your world, if you know what I mean. I create my own happiness daily, and it has nothing to do with the circumstances in which I may find myself on any given day. Doesn't mean I don't cry on occasion. After all, you and I are only human. Yes, as 195 Austin has said in his/her reply, keep sharing your feelings with others who understand. That really helps.
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I'll bet your cat is more understanding than most! Enjoy that peaceful feeling within.
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Animals are intuitive in a way that most humans will never be, including sometimes when they "signal" that something is wrong in their favorite human's life and/or body. Animals "speak" volumes, if we but listen within our Spirits. That is touching how your cat is so close to you, 195Austin!
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vstefans...... Am I just feeling sorry for myself? I feel so alone and sad all the time. No friends, due to the fact, I might ask (Lord forbid) for a favor... lol I try not to be a burden to anyone and have lost everything.... my job, my health, my friends, my bank accounts and I could go on and on I guess. When I start thinking that way, I feel like I AM the one wanting a pity party ;( thanks everyone for letting me vent ;) I really DO appreciate this site and the help, good or bad from everyone who posts.. like I said before, brothers and sisters in arms!!!!!!
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when I mentioned earlier about a "farm"....it is not a working farm.... just a lot of grass and unused equipment, rusted and no longer used. I receive a small social security check from retiring early..to help mom and dad.. So don't misunderstand, and think I have the money to support a mother, who thinks everyone should work for free, and refuses to give me money for groceries, her dogs food etc..... I am totally busted. My family does not help me either. Even my whole family, uncles, cousins etc.... never ask how "I'm doing"..... just how is my mom.... I guess, sometimes I feel like the hired help, but with no monetary compensation, or a "atta girl" your doing a great job... just wanted to clarify. We are by no means well off. In fact, I don't know how much longer the house I live in, will still be standing. ""sigh"""" around and around and around we go.. thanks to all for sharing your helpful answers and suggestions. I really do appreciate them.
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