This is more of a vent than anything. I am a caregiver for my 89 year old mother. I have a sibling, a younger sister who is about to turn 64. I myself, am 65 and retired. My mother was remarkably active up to her 89th Birthday, but has declined tremendously in the last month. Since I live with my mother, I can see her day to day decline. She is now lying in bed, very weak, not eating, or doing much. She responds but haltingly. She is in pain due to a compression fracture in her back and is taking narcotics. On top of that, she has started suffering cognitive/memory problems, i.e. asking for her mom, asking about my father (dead since 2003),etc. I'm starting to get help from the local medical establishment after two ER visits in a week. To date, a nurse from the local hospital paid a visit, a social worker came by and supposedly a PT nurse is supposed to visit.
On top of all these relatively new developments, my relation with my sister who lives 5 minutes away has completely disintegrated. After a recent shouting episode at home and a scene at the ER where she was told to lower her voice or they would call security, she has ceased to have any contact with mom. She makes a 5 minute phone call every day. Her children are grown and she lives with one child at home and her husband. My mother needs help in showering, which she doesn't understand why my sister doesn't come and help her. My mother jokes that she only cares about the money she will receive when mom is dead, which is unfortunately, believe an accurate assessment. I'm starting to get community help and will get get someone to help her but in the meantime, I am her support system. Furthermore, I believe my sister is the executor of the will. I asked my mother and she said Father did it over 25 years ago. Suggestions, comments?
Attempting to “guilt” someone in that situation are never helpful, and will sometimes lead to the end of any relationship.
Your sister has established the fact that she will respond angrily to attempts on your part to engage her. Your mother should be told something noncommittal and innocuous. You are already assuming the caring role in her life, and you will not benefit her by attempting to acquaint her with what you are probably justified in assuming is lack of concern on your sister’s part.
It’s just an outside possibility that there may be issues in your sister’s life that you don’t know, that have caused this to have gone as it has. I’m not suggesting that you just hang in there and take it, but your mother needs help, and if you can maintain your own lifestyle without your sister’s (dubious) help, you may be better off.
Since she attempts to continue making a small daily connection, allow it to play out in that way for the time being.
Nothing to suggest, but you need to know that a lot of us here
deal with situations similar to yours.
As Executor Sister has to carry out the wishes of the Will. I hope if your father is dead that Mom has a Will of her own. Usually couple have what is yours in mine. The survivor then writes up a new one. Did Dad have something in his Will that is carried out after Moms death? I would ask where are the Wills.
When sister probates the Will, she has to inform all beneficiaries of probate and provide a copy of the Will. It will be filed and become public. She will be responsible to pay all outstanding debts. Whatever money is left will be distributed the way the Will reads. She is entitled to an Executor fee. An accting has to be made to Probate. If you do not agree with the accting, you can contest it.