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This is more of a vent than anything. I am a caregiver for my 89 year old mother. I have a sibling, a younger sister who is about to turn 64. I myself, am 65 and retired. My mother was remarkably active up to her 89th Birthday, but has declined tremendously in the last month. Since I live with my mother, I can see her day to day decline. She is now lying in bed, very weak, not eating, or doing much. She responds but haltingly. She is in pain due to a compression fracture in her back and is taking narcotics. On top of that, she has started suffering cognitive/memory problems, i.e. asking for her mom, asking about my father (dead since 2003),etc. I'm starting to get help from the local medical establishment after two ER visits in a week. To date, a nurse from the local hospital paid a visit, a social worker came by and supposedly a PT nurse is supposed to visit.


On top of all these relatively new developments, my relation with my sister who lives 5 minutes away has completely disintegrated. After a recent shouting episode at home and a scene at the ER where she was told to lower her voice or they would call security, she has ceased to have any contact with mom. She makes a 5 minute phone call every day. Her children are grown and she lives with one child at home and her husband. My mother needs help in showering, which she doesn't understand why my sister doesn't come and help her. My mother jokes that she only cares about the money she will receive when mom is dead, which is unfortunately, believe an accurate assessment. I'm starting to get community help and will get get someone to help her but in the meantime, I am her support system. Furthermore, I believe my sister is the executor of the will. I asked my mother and she said Father did it over 25 years ago. Suggestions, comments?

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As soon as you except you will be getting no help from sister, u will feel much better. She probably figures ur the one living there and retired so your "it". I do hope you hold the POA. Makes it easier to make the decisions when Mom can't.

As Executor Sister has to carry out the wishes of the Will. I hope if your father is dead that Mom has a Will of her own. Usually couple have what is yours in mine. The survivor then writes up a new one. Did Dad have something in his Will that is carried out after Moms death? I would ask where are the Wills.

When sister probates the Will, she has to inform all beneficiaries of probate and provide a copy of the Will. It will be filed and become public. She will be responsible to pay all outstanding debts. Whatever money is left will be distributed the way the Will reads. She is entitled to an Executor fee. An accting has to be made to Probate. If you do not agree with the accting, you can contest it.
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In my own experience, there are siblings who will make a unilateral choice to be non participants in family care, for reason(s) they may or may not share.

Attempting to “guilt” someone in that situation are never helpful, and will sometimes lead to the end of any relationship.

Your sister has established the fact that she will respond angrily to attempts on your part to engage her. Your mother should be told something noncommittal and innocuous. You are already assuming the caring role in her life, and you will not benefit her by attempting to acquaint her with what you are probably justified in assuming is lack of concern on your sister’s part.

It’s just an outside possibility that there may be issues in your sister’s life that you don’t know, that have caused this to have gone as it has. I’m not suggesting that you just hang in there and take it, but your mother needs help, and if you can maintain your own lifestyle without your sister’s (dubious) help, you may be better off.

Since she attempts to continue making a small daily connection, allow it to play out in that way for the time being.

Nothing to suggest, but you need to know that a lot of us here
deal with situations similar to yours.
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Not sure part of your post you wish help with, there are many issues at once.

I'm sorry your mom is in such pain from her back injury. At 89 I think you will need to have tempered expectations about what (if any) recovery looks like for her. I'm not sure much can be done about a herniated disc outside of surgery and pain meds, which she is already on. PT will only be able to do so much with someone her age and cognitive condition and if she doesn't progress or cooperate, Medicare won't pay for it. Perhaps you should consider having her assessed for hospice. Please read up on hospice so you understand what it is and what to expect.

You don't give us any reason why your sister made a scene at the ER and is now not on speaking terms. Sometimes a sibling live-in caregiver expects or assumes another sibling to participate in the care of a parent. They are under no obligation to do so. Please tell us what the rift is about.

If your sister is the executor of the estate (will) this only means she has the responsibility to dispense with your parent's wishes that are outlined in it. Doesn't your mom have a copy of it? What happen when your dad passed? Who was the executor of his?

More importantly, who is currently your mother's PoA? This is much more important right now. If there is no PoA this can become a point of contention in your mom's care so it needs to be sorted out before your mom's cognition fails further. If she is mostly lucid most of the time she may still be able to create a PoA and a Healthcare Directive (Living Will). The financial PoA should use your mom's savings to pay for whatever care is appropriate for her benefit and be careful to not manage things in a way that will delay or disqualify her for Medicaid (and in many states the Medicaid application has a 5-year look-back period).

It may be that you will need to go through a family mediator if your sister is at odds with how and what care your mom is receiving and neither of you is the PoA. Guardianship will legally give someone the control but is expensive and time consuming as it has to go through the court system. I wish you a peaceful family resolution and successful therapy for your mom's pain.
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