Dealing with death...

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Dealing with death...

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My BIL passed away on Friday 9/11 ‘yeah, bad day all around’. He lived in a nursing home up in DE, we live in Florida. Today we ( MIL ( w/dementia), BIL (mentally retarded), hubby ( bad back) & myself) are preparing for the 1200 mile car ride, what fun!! Last minute flight would’ve cost us $2k+ One way!! and MIL refuses to fly. I did not want to take a chance of putting out that money and having her have a meltdown at the Airport. In the past 24 hours we have explain to her many, many times, that Johnny had died. Backstory: Johnny at 17 years of age was in a car accident on Christmas Day 1985. He has been in a nursing home for literally 34 years. It truly is a blessing that he has passed. Sally keeps thanking that Johnny died in the car accident. Or she completely forgets Johnny all together. I am leaving in about one hour to start this 20 hour trip, any suggestions to keep me from killing everybody in the car with me I kid, of course. But the quote “and that’s why I killed them Your Honor”, Will not hold up in court. Gotta laughter, right? Cause you cannot scream into a pillow while driving.

End of Life Family Caregiver Grief Travel

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what are your plans when you get to DE?
Arrange a funeral...that almost no one can attend?
Why not skip the trip, arrange for a funeral home to cremate him and send the ashes to you. You can then have a celebration of his life.
There is no need to bring MIL with you and your husband with a bad back does not "need" to make the trip if it will cause him pain, discomfort and aggravation. You can easily take care of things for them

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Funeral HAS been arranged, and paid for. Nothing to pack for Johnny as he was in nursing home and we told them to simply give it away.
I honestly appreciate everybody’s input letting me know that there is an easier way to do this, but as I’ve stated before, I am actually looking forward to going up north and seeing my family. I just have to get through the next 20 hours. Ativan anyone?

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Linda, I'm with grandma.

Have poor Johnny cremated and hold a Zoom service if there are others who need to attend a memorial.

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This was wise. I always appreciate your wisdom and clarity!

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Perhaps it would be best if just your husband went -

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Well we’re 1/2 there. I could ask him to just drop me off

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Hire a company to pack up whatever is wanted to be kept. I cannot imagine there is that much.

And what grandma said.

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COVID Has caused us all to have to rethink how we would normally do things. Going go DE sounds like a knee jerk reaction. There won't be much you can do there that you couldn't do from FL.

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This definitely was not a knee-jerk reaction. As Johnny’s condition deteriorate over the past several months, we knew that this was going to happen. Trust me this was definitely planned.

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My mom is a 3 day drive from me, even if I flew, I could not stay with my aunt because of Covid. I will be doing what you indicated... I’m sure I will take some heat from aunts and uncle

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I appreciate all comments about the funeral. The funeral has been prepaid. There is no wake, but will be a mass. Plot already purchased. We could just lie to her and do the cremation which WILL make everyone’s life easier, but my husband couldn’t do that, this is also HIS wish. My 2 Children, actually they are men now, live up in New Jersey and I am looking forward to seeing them and all my grandchildren so it’s like a win-win

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I think you knew all along that seeing the rest of the family would be the upside of this trip. One day at a time.

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It seems to me you are asking the equivalent of how to walk across coals hot without burning your feet. Since you are determined to go and the trip is imminent I doubt there is really anything helpful we can offer beyond grit your teeth and prepare for the worst - engage the child locks on the car, make sure someone competent is sitting beside MIL at all times, prepare yourself for bathroom problems and take along some ear plugs or headphones. And of course you need to assume that you may encounter covid at every stop along the way.

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Quick question: do you really, really have to attend this funeral?
All things considered-including COVID-19- you gotta pass on this one.
And then PLAN a trip to see your sons.

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Too late now! Haha But yes, because I really really really want to stay married LOL

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Maggatha gave gentle questioning to where I would go with all this, in that I wouldn't be going with all of this. I would be staying home. The logistics, the reality of the whole thing is more than I can begin to imagine. As you have said, this death, in so far as any CAN ever be, is more or less of a blessing.
All of that said, my own perspective is not yours, or you wouldn't be doing this, and you ARE doing this. As you describe it, and as I imagine the trip, I kind of hope you will blog the whole thing to us here.
You seem very level headed about it all. If anyone can have this together--or better yet know that it cannot and will not BE together--you do. I wish you the best of luck and hope you will update us.
Perhaps you should take up writing. Take a journal with you, OK?

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Been in the car for two hours and MIL is already stuck on her loop.... “have I been on this road before?”, “where’s Billy?” (BIL in backseat), “where are we going”, “where’s his body”, “have I been on this road before?” Ahhhhhh.... and it’s only been two hours!
Thanks for your kind thoughts. I’ll do my best to update the journey

Dealing with death...

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