Some facilities offer respite care for a reasonable fee (think two week vacation!) which helps if you have to go out of town or need to prepare a loved one for additional care in the future.
Anger and frustration are normal, but our loved ones feel the same even when they can't express it, so even those emotions we are still sharing!
Getting other friends and family involved if possible also helps reassure the both of you and is only fair. I wish you all the best!
my dad was up allnight . gave him sleeping pill at 9 and hes still awake ! its 530 in the morning now . i am so tired wish he would go to sleep . i would lay down and fall sleep and he hollars i gotta go pee . i have to get up an dhelp him to bathroom . i cant wait for him to sleep so i can sleep , youre not the only one that is emotionaly drain . we all . welcome to the club . its like havin a newborn baby in the house wantin a bottle every 2 hrs .....
LOL yeah thinking about having a BIG "S" tattooed on my chest my pc crashed and I'm rebuiulding everythin sdo have to round up a picture won't have np "S" tho LOL
Hi this is neonwocky at home please do not feel guilty for putting your mother in a nursing home. At this rate you will end up really sick beleive me. Thats what my therapist said and I beleive him. I will not feel guilty when ot comes time to move mine in. You and your husband deserve a happy life to . If this continues yu won't have much of a relationship left. It is time you put yourself in front of your mother. You have done your very best and you are not a failure just beccause you cannot care for her anymore. Much love and prayers for you
Do you have senior citizen housing in your area? They usually are a reduced rate and are for seniors who do not have a great deal of assets. Also, contact your local Senior Services. Start with the phone book under community services or local government agencies. Also, contact your hospital. They have numbers for you to call. Also, your church may be able to guide you. Don't give up your job or the search. She is better where she is happy and cared for. Let your brothers take a turn. Wish mine would. Good Luck
My mother has lived with my husband and I for 5 years now. I have 2 brothers that don't help much. She is in good health but is depressed because we live in the suburbs and she has no way to get around. We both work and she is lonely. I have been feeling so bad for the last 2 years that I was falling into a depression. I didn't want to leave her alone, so i left my job. The worst thing I could have ever done! The strain on my relationship with my husband is unbelievable. She has said she wanted to move back to the city, so i arranged for her to stay with my brother to be able to look for something in our home town.Closer to things she knows but she has been at my brothers for 2 weeks now and they have done nothing to help her settle. She gives me a guilt trip every time I talk to her! I am trying to find a place for her but I'm not sure if she wants to go now. I think she wants to come back here but I'm not sure if i can do it anymore (i am working again and the pressure seems too much. How do i tell her or what should i do?
My mom wants to stay in her home, she wont go to my home. So we all take turns, my kids and I and one of her close friends staying over nite and everyday so she can be at home. She does not have long, so we think, but it is hard and I hate being away from my kids every nite. The caretaker helps me so I can go home for at least half of the week. I love my mom and I want to support her to be in her home, she would never be happy in a nursing home. When she starts ordering us around like servants and gives us lists of things to do, and I have just come off of a 12 hr shift and she thinks I can just go to the store for "one more thing", I have to try and remind her that no I cannot do it all. I am not that patient some days but I try. I know I will be sad when she is gone but I also know I am giving her the best I can. I feel guilty sometimes because I know I will be relieved to get back to my life. I did not sign on for this but there is no one else to do it and no I would not abandon her. Its funny how her mother was in a nursing home for 20 years and that was ok with her but now its her turn and its different. I dont think I could ask this of my kids. My girls are amazing and they have inspired me thru this whole process. Mom had the nerve to make a nasty comment about one of my daughters and my daughter overheard her and she was heartbroken. She cried and cried. I sat Mom down and set her straight and let her know she was not allowed to hurt my kids especially since they were here because they wanted to be with her. I had a point but I think I forgot it now. oh well...tired I guess....Its such a mixture of feelings good and bad and we need to feel them all. lovingdaughter I am always encouraged by your posts. Thanx for being there...nite again.....^V^
Mom is home with me too. Almost 4 years. It isn't easy, and yes, I complain, but if I didn't have her with me, she would have no money left, and we could not pick up the bill. It is not the best solution, but it is the only one. I feel that the health system has turned its back on us. Dad died 4 years ago. Miss him daily and yes, I was his little girl, still am. Night all.
that is why alot of us keep our parents home . i just found out a dear friend of our is running out of thier fathers money to keep him in the nursing home and is now going to be coming out of the sons pocket to keep dad in nusring home . if you want them take a shower and teeth brush that is extra money added on to the bill . outrages !! i am so thankful that i am able to stay home and take care of my dad ....he s in much better care here at home , and with his baby girl ...
curly, Do not judge. You have not walked in the shoes of us who come to this site. Many of these people have not had the love and compassion of a wonderful mother. You seem to have been one of the fortunate ones. We feel for the loss you so obviously still grieve. But do not judge others such. Be compassionate and thankful that you have had such a great gift that others have not had.
When I was young, I landed my first teaching job. My problems began when I was faced with difficult children that I just didn't understand. I lectured them about the correct way of doing things and the proper outlook on life. I was coming from my point of view. I had a great childhood and wonderful parents. I just didn't "get it". My vice-principal took me for a ride one afternoon. He said that he wanted me to get in touch with the real community. What I saw shocked me. Poverty, ignorance and parents who just did not care. I saw mothers and fathers who were drunk in the middle of the day! My attitude changed that day, and I spent the next 30 years teaching these children. We came from totally different worlds, but I grew to understand theirs and love them. Take the time to read some of our posts. There is great pain in them as well as sacrifice and frustration. But you are missing the point. We may complain, but we are the ones doing the caring. What you don't read are the posts from the ones who have turned their backs and have walked away from the abusive parent who raised some of these people in a very hostile situation as no child should be raised.
You are one of the lucky ones. Not everyone is so blessed. I hope you find peace.
Curly I hope you understand that for some of us this is a safe space to come and vent so we can continue to care for our parents.....its nice to be able to say whats on our minds without worrying about being judged. This site has been a lifesaver for me and to find out that there are so many others out there who are having the same issues as me has helped my morale so much. Take care all....nite nite ^V^
I lost my mother when I was 30 because of cancer and I was her caretaker for 6 years, long hard years, watching her taking her back and forth and the 6th year she was in a wheel chair and and not only did I take her wherever she needed to go, I was her nurse and I love her enough to put my feelings aside for if I were in her shoes I would hope one of my children would love me and have enough compassion to want to help me. Afterall being a mother is not easy, what you forget about all the hardship you may have caused her while she was raising you and all she did for you growing up, she did not give up on you and she did what she needed to do. I am so sick of all of you who complain about your moms this or that, grow up it is not about you and life of luxury, she is your mother and she deserves respect and love from her own flesh and blood. If it gets to be too much, get some help or have another family member come and stay now and then to give you a break, but don't walk out and treat her as though she planned to get sick and destroy your private time. People don't plan to get sick and be a burden, but everyone gets old and things happen, I just hope you don't grow old and have medical conditions and people throw you into a nursing home like you were yesterdays garbage.
battered, You are lucky that you have other siblings who help or have helped in the past. My brother does nothing. If your sister put in 20 years, most of us on this site are wishing we had that support. I bet when mom lived with her, she was more independent and your sister was not a total caretaker!! Hang in there. It will get better. By all means, don't spend all your time at the home. You have a family that needs you. Can you sit down with her and make some kind of schedule? She probably feels that she has done her share, but we know that caring does not stop when someone else takes over. She is her daughter and needs to remain in your mom's life. Remind her of what a void it has left in your mom's life to have her back away. Good luck.
The old saying, " One mother can raise 10 children, but, ten children cannot take care of 1 mother". I am an only child, frankly, I was being run ragged before she had to go to assisted living. I sought help from a social worker. She felt that two visits a week was going to be plenty, of course I call her almost everyday. I don't know the situation but why so many hours of visiting?
I know how you feel. My biggest problem right now is one of my sisters who is not doing her fair share for my mom in the nursing home. Mom lived with this sister all of her life because my sister has been divorced for over 20 years. Now that mom is in a nursing home, my sister feels that I and my other sister need to spend all of our evenings with our mother. Not to mention the fact that my other sister and I both have husbands and famiy responsibilities besides taking care and visiting mom. We are constantly hearing you need to spend more time with mom when it is my other sister and I who have been doing all the right things by spending hours of our time at the nursing home sitting with mom while the other sister feels she should only have to stop by after she gets off work for 15 minutes and go spend the evenings with her dogs! We are getting wore out and feeling used and abused by our one other sister.
Why are you letting her call the shots?? Get her DR. involved and call senior services. Do you have power of attorney? If not, get it as quickly as possible. Do what you have to do to make her safe. Does she qualify for medicaid? Are there other family members who can help or that you can brainstorm with? I have had to get the senior services involved, social worker and started to see what she qualifies state wide . Some programs are out there that most people don't even know exist!! Do your homework and start with her DR. Good luck!
What do you do with a parent that will not let you provide outside help? My mother is blind. she lives in a retirement community, she needs things to be done for her and will not let me provide the support. She lived with me for a brief time. That was a nightmare, I cannot go through that again. I live in a very remote area. The reason I moved her back to a retirement community was for that very reason. She would not allow outside help. I need help. Money is running very low.
hangin there girl . i think ure a wonderful person for taking good care of mom for 7.5 years !!! u can learn to take care of her if she becomes bedridden . have home health care nurse come in and show u how to do it . as for getting mean , geeze i would have to put myfather in nursing home if he gets mean , my soft heart wouldnt beable to handle it if he got mean to me . i would be so heartbroken and i dont deserve that kind of abuse . my dad is still a sweet whiney old man ...
As sorry as I like to feel for myself being stuck in this situation 7.5 years caring for Mom, with complications of deadbeat sisters, I can always hear a story that makes my situation seem like a walk in the park. And indeed cause I use photography and video to document my life with Mom (and perhaps because I do, I make our lives worth photographing??)...my sisters lob insults like "all you do is sit at the computer all day long." Up and down all day and night, and NO real life at all. "My" life is cyberlife.
When I get down on myself and get snappy and play victim, I think, "Ok kiddo, you could be doing this caregiving gig on the Road to Kahdahar [see the movie], with no water, no poise pads, no food, and the banditos just stole your mom's wheelchair. And it's 110 degrees out, and as dowdy as we are, we're both women..." fill in the blank...
So many have fewer options than I do, and have much more difficult people to care for. I haven't quite figured when Mom will be nursing home material...or "they" will have to hire full time nursing professionals. I think when she can no longer walk to the bathroom and I can't give her a shower. Or if she became physically violent.
what a nightmare at 3 am ! dad woke up freakin out about a lit boy runnin around here . begme to call the police . i tol dhim that lit boy called and said hes at home with his mommy , that didnt calm him down cuz he knew i lied . ijust let him go at it . i ask him few mins ago about the lit boy he said oh yes yes must been a dream and he cried . guess it was a bad dream afterall . then he cried said the families are growing apart . i just wish in the hell his other sons and daughter would call him !!! they figured he s in good hands cuz i am here iwth him and expected me to fill in on them about him . they dont like callin him cuz he jibberish and tries to talk but cant getthe words out right ,, anxitiy.. it makes him upset then he hllars and freaks out . ksue5036,, i am so sorry that ur mother cant get up anymore . dad was like that for about 2 weeks , dying slowly , some of his meds realy bothered me and i took himoff of it and he bounce right back up and felt better . thse meds was killing him slowly . i am glad thatthe lord gave me funny errie feeling about those meds , exlon patch is one of them !!! so he dont take any of those memory meds anymore . he didnt need it he s a very smart man . dementia is what he has , i told the dr about it he was glad i took him off of it cuz he said he dont think they would work anyway . he didnt prescribe it , it was the diffrent dr from the hospital . along with 2 other meds , treat for bipolar and depressions . i didnt know what they were for untill i looked it up cuz i notice dad was going down hill . ahh i fixed it !!! hes up walkin and getting around with me behind him in case he starts to fall sideways i could just hang on to him . today is dperession day for me , its gloomey and raining out right now . ugly ugly weather .....
I love the fake boobs for your mom ddarkangle. lhardeback I had the same problem with my mom .She was getting up all night and falling. I had to sleep with her or on the floor by her so I could hear her. Than I put a bell on her walker that helped but I still was not getting any sleep. Now she is on meds. to make her sleep at night .But she also will not move at all . Not because of the meds. But she is in that stage of her alzeimers. I have to get up every 2 yrs and move and change her so she won't get bed sores. It sucks.
Austin i know what you mean. My mom is in her living room since we are staying at her place, the caretaker and i take turns. Then me and my kids stay in her bedroom which is a great refuge. We put a bike bell on her siderail, a bike horn on her walker, and we can hear her when she calls. I know soon she will start needing me to sleep in the living room again, this cancer is like that but for now its nice to be getting some sleep.
It is so hard to deal with 24/7 I use to feel better just getting it off my chest or as they say venting and you do get to feel like a pressure cooker it seems the happier are the ones who can arrange a seperate living area for the eldery family room even if it is one large room with a bathroom it is theirs something of their own I have seen that arrangement work when different generations live together -my husband use to hum and it drove me bonkers-one time while he was in rehab I fixed my small bedroom up with a comfortable chair so I could hang out there,
the ray of light is that all of us caregivers are getting a frontrow seat into our own futures, so that said, be a little bit kinder to yourself and your loved one and live for the day - sometimes good as it gets really is.
my father would not know what that commode chair is , he would think its a chairto sit in , he wears briefs and i do have padding too but he just gotta get up and go to the bathroom , givin him sleeping pills so he can sleep all night long , he still wakes up to go bathroom , if i dont come as quickly when he hollars he fights his wayto bathroom and falls down , he walks like a year old learnin how to walk . he walks with his walker .. my father forgets what i said to him , pee in ur briefs do not go bathroom ! wakes up in daze and wants to go home , just sad sad situations ...
ok ok...i have really had it now lol.....mom is in hospice and i am tryyyyinng to get everything she needs...the social worker told her that she should have whatever she wants right? she wanted a pair of "falsies" lol fake boobs cuz her boobs have shrunk so much she has nothing left to fill her bra. So dutiful daughter that i am, i go to 4 stores looking for them and find her some. My 21yr old calls them "chicken cutlets". I wish you could picture my 77lb mom with these gel like fake boobs that are sticking out of the sides of her bra. I wanted to laugh so hard I thought I would pee on myself. Then she tells me they are not soft enough. I quit. I am going to cut some more from the foam on her mattress..wont tell her where they came from this time.........she doesnt even go out. has been using her tanning lotion on her face...only.....i love my mom, i love my mom, i love my mom, i love my mom........ah this too shall pass i know.........its such a fine line between "i have to do this because my mom says i do" and "my mom is out of her mind" .....hmmmm maybe its me.....nite all....tomorrow is another day in the magic kingdom.....take care.
Anger and frustration are normal, but our loved ones feel the same even when they can't express it, so even those emotions we are still sharing!
Getting other friends and family involved if possible also helps reassure the both of you and is only fair. I wish you all the best!
i am so tired wish he would go to sleep . i would lay down and fall sleep and he hollars i gotta go pee . i have to get up an dhelp him to bathroom .
i cant wait for him to sleep so i can sleep ,
youre not the only one that is emotionaly drain . we all . welcome to the club . its like havin a newborn baby in the house wantin a bottle every 2 hrs .....
I've been dealing with my mother for the last year. I have never felt so tired in my life.
I wish you all the best.
i am so thankful that i am able to stay home and take care of my dad ....he s in much better care here at home , and with his baby girl ...
Do not judge. You have not walked in the shoes of us who come to this site. Many of these people have not had the love and compassion of a wonderful mother. You seem to have been one of the fortunate ones. We feel for the loss you so obviously still grieve. But do not judge others such. Be compassionate and thankful that you have had such a great gift that others have not had.
When I was young, I landed my first teaching job. My problems began when I was faced with difficult children that I just didn't understand. I lectured them about the correct way of doing things and the proper outlook on life. I was coming from my point of view. I had a great childhood and wonderful parents. I just didn't "get it". My vice-principal took me for a ride one afternoon. He said that he wanted me to get in touch with the real community. What I saw shocked me. Poverty, ignorance and parents who just did not care. I saw mothers and fathers who were drunk in the middle of the day! My attitude changed that day, and I spent the next 30 years teaching these children. We came from totally different worlds, but I grew to understand theirs and love them.
Take the time to read some of our posts. There is great pain in them as well as sacrifice and frustration. But you are missing the point. We may complain, but we are the ones doing the caring. What you don't read are the posts from the ones who have turned their backs and have walked away from the abusive parent who raised some of these people in a very hostile situation as no child should be raised.
You are one of the lucky ones. Not everyone is so blessed. I hope you find peace.
You are lucky that you have other siblings who help or have helped in the past. My brother does nothing. If your sister put in 20 years, most of us on this site are wishing we had that support. I bet when mom lived with her, she was more independent and your sister was not a total caretaker!! Hang in there. It will get better. By all means, don't spend all your time at the home. You have a family that needs you. Can you sit down with her and make some kind of schedule? She probably feels that she has done her share, but we know that caring does not stop when someone else takes over. She is her daughter and needs to remain in your mom's life. Remind her of what a void it has left in your mom's life to have her back away. Good luck.
my dad is still a sweet whiney old man ...
When I get down on myself and get snappy and play victim, I think, "Ok kiddo, you could be doing this caregiving gig on the Road to Kahdahar [see the movie], with no water, no poise pads, no food, and the banditos just stole your mom's wheelchair. And it's 110 degrees out, and as dowdy as we are, we're both women..." fill in the blank...
So many have fewer options than I do, and have much more difficult people to care for. I haven't quite figured when Mom will be nursing home material...or "they" will have to hire full time nursing professionals. I think when she can no longer walk to the bathroom and I can't give her a shower. Or if she became physically violent.
then he cried said the families are growing apart . i just wish in the hell his other sons and daughter would call him !!! they figured he s in good hands cuz i am here iwth him and expected me to fill in on them about him .
they dont like callin him cuz he jibberish and tries to talk but cant getthe words out right ,, anxitiy.. it makes him upset then he hllars and freaks out .
ksue5036,, i am so sorry that ur mother cant get up anymore . dad was like that for about 2 weeks , dying slowly , some of his meds realy bothered me and i took himoff of it and he bounce right back up and felt better . thse meds was killing him slowly . i am glad thatthe lord gave me funny errie feeling about those meds , exlon patch is one of them !!! so he dont take any of those memory meds anymore . he didnt need it he s a very smart man . dementia is what he has , i told the dr about it he was glad i took him off of it cuz he said he dont think they would work anyway . he didnt prescribe it , it was the diffrent dr from the hospital . along with 2 other meds , treat for bipolar and depressions . i didnt know what they were for untill i looked it up cuz i notice dad was going down hill . ahh i fixed it !!! hes up walkin and getting around with me behind him in case he starts to fall sideways i could just hang on to him . today is dperession day for me , its gloomey and raining out right now . ugly ugly weather .....
lhardeback I had the same problem with my mom .She was getting up all night and falling. I had to sleep with her or on the floor by her so I could hear her. Than I put a bell on her walker that helped but I still was not getting any sleep. Now she is on meds. to make her sleep at night .But she also will not move at all . Not because of the meds. But she is in that stage of her alzeimers. I have to get up every 2 yrs and move and change her so she won't get bed sores. It sucks.