I'm new here, trying to find some support or at least a spot to vent about my crazy situation. My husband always dealt with major life stress in his bottle. Two family members passed in 2020, he started drinking tons, not eating too much and since Covid put his job on hold he sat around watching Netflix, wasting away then put in for early retirement. And of course, screaming at anyone that might mention he should take care of himself because he like most alcoholics doesn't have a problem.
Last year he basically burned his body out. Trip to the ER found he developed liver failure and that his body had even been pulling from his bones to survive. He couldn't behave enough for me to even work part-time before we got him sorta stable or at least not seeing lil green men in the house. He played around refusing to eat if something wasn't just perfect. Best example is eggs, over easy to be specific, if the yoke broke even just on the plate he'd tell me throw it out and do it again.
He tells everyone he speaks to that I won't buy food, cook ect to the point I'm scared someone will eventually call APS if they don't understand he's basically crazy. Claiming I starve him to death while he's got a table full of snacks and regular meals, even if they're not at regular times because he doesn't sleep at night anymore. He's obsessed with me going shopping for food even if I put what he's asking for in his hands, he doesn't want to eat it but I've got to buy more. We have a full pantry, fridge and freezer. He always needs the one thing I don't have and once I buy it he doesn't want it.
I've been physically hurt moving him - ribs out of place, back going out and hip problems. His denial means he's convinced he can walk ect but reality is I'm carrying most his weight so I started refusing because there is no one else to do anything! Seriously people offer to help with outside chores but it's constant diapers that are breaking my body and nobody wants to do those. And he actively tries to make it worse at times. He'd do things like pee off side of the bed because it's just water and resist rolling for diaper changes if he was mad about not getting his way about something. And he's convinced my injuries are fake or not his fault. My personal favorite is telling me if I'm not doing what he wants he'll divorce me, shocked I asked who's going to take care of you and he said divorces take a long time. He actually thought he could divorce me but keep me as a slave until it was finalized.
Somehow he believes my not working for 11 months and only recently going back for 2 short shifts per week is about my injuries or being lazy. And through all of this knowing he has liver failure (which has progressed despite him mostly not drinking) he asks everyone that visits to bring him alcohol and is obsessed with getting to and checking old booze hiding spots. Just had a doctor's appointment about him without him present to ask about just going ahead and giving him what he wants and letting him drink hard liquor again. And how to manage meds if hes drinking. I'm at whits end and obviously being dry and having someone prepare him food isn't fixing the situation after a year and he won't follow any plans to help him. It feels wrong to buying someone dying of liver failure booze but it's been a year of horribly angry alcoholic that wants his drink more than he wants to live.
I desperately tried to help him. I ended up having to walk away. I couldn’t take any more of his crap.
You may end up having to walk away as well.
Have you spoken to a therapist about your situation? It might help. I went to a therapist and I found that it does help to discuss these issues with an objective individual who has experience with these issues.
I would also attend Al-Anon. It helps to speak with others who have walked in your shoes.
Best wishes to you.
Look online. It doesn’t seem like a big deal, but when you are trying to maneuver someone, to hold them steady, it helps.
you may want to check out harbor freight, for a belt or something they sell to people who lift heavy things.
Yes, I know the damage is done; your ribs etc.. have you tried getting a massage? (like you have time).
I’m sorry you’re going through that.
What happens if you are physically unable to care for him?
"Just had a doctor's appointment about him without him present to ask about just going ahead and giving him what he wants and letting him drink hard liquor again. And how to manage meds if hes drinking."
What did the doctor say?
How much longer do you think he will live?
(And to think you took care of HIS parents..._)
What did the doctor say about “letting him drink hard liquor again”? Quite honestly it seems reasonable to me. It is probably very wrong to provide it deliberately on the table. But from the sound of it, you still have visitors and he asks them to bring liquor. He also ‘checks old booze hiding spots’. Perhaps he could find a couple of dozen bottles of spirits?
You my dear will be the one who's going to die before he does if you don't make some changes soon. You CANNOT continue on like this!
Please either hire some in-home help or look into placing him in the appropriate facility. And if money is an issue you can apply for Medicaid for him.
But most importantly is you and your physical and mental health, so please start attending your local Al-Anon meetings, as they will help you see things from a more healthy perspective.
And it wouldn't hurt to talk to an elder care attorney and divorce attorney as well.
Please do now what is best for you!
Quite frankly - you're better off without him. For heaven's sakes, he's pissing on your floor - on purpose.
I agree with with you Olddude, she is better of without him.
Obviously he can make a phone call so you can give him access to a phone and leave. Or call your local social services.
Filing for divorce is a no brainer and should be done. Yes you will lose somethings but waiting for this POS to die which could take years is worth it. Your salvation is you are capable of working and getting a job which means you can find a place to rent.
Has he been evaluated for hospice?
But then I would have been suggesting that for years now, perhaps for decades.
As to getting his own drink, that's easy; you order something and it's at your door in 20".
Alcoholics are one thing. I accept it's a disease/addiction. MEAN alcoholics are ANOTHER thing. I wouldn't accept that for 5 seconds.
You will soon be on your own. Spare some time to think about your plans for the future, because you have one.
Liver failure is inevitable for most cases of untreated alcoholism.
I am here to tell you, you do not need to take this type of behavior. Hire an in home caregiver (using his own drinking money) and get some of your freedom back. Establish some boundaries with this individual. If he chooses to drink, let him order his own poison. An alcoholic has a right to choose not to recover. I don't mean to sound harsh, but you did not cause it, can't control it and can't cure it.
Join Al-Anon.
Me? He’d get 3 TV dinners a day and if he didn’t like it, he could for real starve.
It sounds to me that he is a candidate for hospice or pallative care in an institution. The constant drinking has already affected his brain. Lactaloose is probably worthless at this stage of the game.
APS would be my next step and having him removed from the home.
His primary doctor is only going to. manage symptoms at this point. Hospice MD can do the same.
You need to take care of yourself. If you get injured and can't care for him (very likely to happen), where will he end up?
A trip to ER and then nursing home placement as has no community caregiver.
You've given him a lot already. His disease has affected his brain so his focus is the bottle and he feels free to abuse you. You don't need to take this anymore. He sounds like nursing home level of care - needs help with bathing, dressing, toileting, transfers, and mobility. All 5 ADLs. (activities of daily living). He needs access to a nurse 24/7 to administer and assess response to medications used to treat unstable disease.
Medicaid rules and how much income the community spouse can keep are variable so contact your community's Council on Aging for where to get info on this.
You deserve some peace and joy in your life. You have done the best you could for as long as you could. Time to 'share the burden' with home care or nursing home care staff.
He was not abusive. He was never abusive. Yet I had to get divorced from him because of the drinking. It was sad that he had so much regret and was so sorry that anyone had to take care of him.
I'm going to speak plainly here and I want you to know that it's out of the spirit of friendship and with your best interests at heart.
Your husband is an a$$$$le. Stop taking care of him personally.
Start by bringing in some homecare today or find out about residential care facilites.
You go back to work full-time and file for divorce. You don't have to leave your home if you don't want to.
You also do not have to take care of him.
I want you to try on a new way of thinking. Every time you offer to change his diaper, you're doing him a favor. If he's going to get nasty about it, leave him in it and walk away.
When you bring him some food, if he complains and acts up because he doesn't want what you've brought, take his plate and throw it in the garbage. Then he goes without eating.
You do not buy him any booze. When he gets abusive about it, call the police and an ambulance. Tell them he's threatening to hurt himself. They will take him out.
Then you tell the hospital that you are staying with a friend and there is no one in the home to take care of him and you will not be returning. That's an unsafe discharge and they will turn it over to APS to handle.
If they let him return, you make sure you aren't there.
Then join an Al-Anon group like Scampie1 suggests. It really helped me.
It's time for you to walk away. No one has to live with abuse. You did the best you could and please don't become a martyr at this point.
Your husband's bad choices and abusive behavior are the reasons why he is sick and will be cared for by hired strangers. That's not your fault.
It is time for his reckoning, not yours.
I really don't know how you can live like this. I think I would get to the point that he gets what you want to give him. What can he do physically if he is bed bound. To me your kind of in charge at this point. I would feed him his 3 meals a day. Leave him snacks and drinks. If he doesn't eat what u serve him that's his problem. Check on him every so often for a diaper change. And I would call them diapers. I think I would get my digs in when I could. Then, I would go off to a room as far away as I could and put ear plugs in my ears. Go outside. Have lunch with a friend. Go to a park and read. He needs you at this point more than you need him.
If he ever hits you, call the police and have him them Baker Act him. Tell them the liver disease is effecting his mind. He will be evaluated and then you refuse to take him back. Tell him his verbal abuse and physically taking care of him is killing you. If you have any assets, see an Elder Lawyer. Medicaid allows assets to be split. His split going to his care. When almost spent down, you apply for Medicaid. With Medicaid you become the Community Spouse, remaining in the home, having 1 car and enough of you monthly income of SS and any pension to live on.
If he ends up in the hospital, also a good time to refuse to take him home. He gets sent right to a NH from the hospital and you see an Elder Lawyer about splitting assets so all your money does not go to his care. If he becomes handful for them, they can give him meds to calm him. Maybe that is what you should tell the doctor, your husband needs to be medicated for anxiety. If it dopes him up, thats good for you.
Think about Hospice. You do most of the work but you will be given an aide to bathe him. See how many hours u can get. Leave when she/he is there. You will be given any equipment he needs. Meds given him for anxiety and pain are paid for by Medicare as are diapers, wipes, chuxs, etc.
Now if someone tells me they have a problem with alcohol I am there for any support I can give. It can be treated, I've seen it, but for some people it just can not be - once they feel the euphoria that alcohol brings them they can never go back. Alcohol is really that bad. Evil more like it.
By the way, Welcome back!
His liver is now actively putting out toxins in his body, even if he's 'dry' and the damage is done.
My DH had HepC and never drank and was healthy enough to receive a liver transplant 17 years ago. He was lucky. Your DH will not qualify for a transplant, which is probably just as well.
I would have had no problem putting DH in a rehab facility, which is what I should have done. You probably should have your DH moved to a NH. Divorce him if you think that's right.
Save yourself. If you are like most the people on here--you're going it alone and frustrated and sick of the unending and gratitude-less work that caring for a mean, sick person can be.
Hugs 🤗
Are you sure about that? What is the definition of "handle"? I don't have any reliable statistics but in my experience ALMOST EVERYONE who drinks, or drank, socially has had some negative issue with it. Issues such as acting stupid in public, losing things like wallets, jackets, etc., falling, DUI's, vomiting in public, urinating in public, losing jobs, getting into fights, accidents, causing noise, a nuisance, etc.. These are, or were, "mature" adults mind you with professional jobs.
By "treatment" I meant only for stopping drinking, not treating the damage done, such as end-stage liver disease. Three people I knew throughout my life developed alcoholic cirrhosis of the liver. It was all the same story. Everyone knew they drank all day. You'd see them puttering or shuffling around in a kind of stupor. Then their stomachs grew very large, protruding outward. I swear the last person's stomach was like a bean bag chair! Then I never saw any of them again. Ages 40, 55 and 65. The only other thing they had in common other than excessive alcohol consumption was that their family hated them.
”The Straw that broke the camel’s back”. Well she has physical issues, ribs, back, etc..It’s just a brick in the wall. But all those bricks…
I did choose the smallest issue. They all add up..
im sorry you’re going through this. I agree, divorce is not the answer. You’d probably feel guilty about that.. you do need a break. Ask if he can be evaluated for palliative or hospice care. It sounds like he is declining more so.
It’s hard for some people to understand that they do not have control anymore. The more he lashes out at you, the more he realizes he has less control, of his body, situation, and you. He’s probably scared too..
do talk to his doctor and yours. You did get hurt by trying to move him.
My friends hubby got ALZ. nicest man up to that point. The facility called the police and moved him into lockdown nursing facility.
He got that violent.. he was a very gentle man… it was so sad..
I think it’s because they’re scared.
Just know you really tried, you did your best.. and now it’s time to think about what is best for the both of you..
He needs more care than he will allow you to give him, and you need help giving the care he needs. Do ask about hospice care.. and if they yes, have him placed so you get the quality time you need to heal.
Having me say this may make it easier for you to think about it as an option, without guilt.
I've refused to buy him alcohol for 15 years because I didn't want to support his problem. So the idea of buying alcohol is very odd to me but he's unable to go shopping. We don't live where there is delivery and his friends don't visit frequently so if HE CHOOSES to drink which he's repeatedly indicated that he wants to I have to bring it home.
Yes, I haven't divorced over the years of living with an alcoholic for many reasons that don't involve HIM. Lots of people stay married for all sorts of reasons. These were choices made repeatedly before this happened. Personally I was always afraid he would die in a wreck because he would still be intoxicated from the night before. I'm very glad that if he's going to die from alcohol he's not taking anyone else with him in a real tragedy. I also feel horribly betrayed and abandoned that his choice wasn't to attempt to get well. I've not purchased for him until he's been unable to obtain for himself for over a year and after getting guidance from the doctor and pharmacist on which medication he can't have while intoxicated that could possibly endanger his health further. The point I discussed with the doctor is he's still dying, symptoms of liver failure continue to get worse without him drinking and he's miserable being sober. I consulted the doctor exactly because I don't want judgemental people to think I did this to him. He was abusing alcohol long before we married (not that I had a clue then), he's had friends drink themselves to death and he still asks for it.
BTW he was threatening to light things on fire in the house while screaming at me this morning. He stopped that and started being nice when I told him I asked the Dr and did he want me to buy him something and he ASKED for rum.
I just can't imagine putting up with someone for so long because of those reasons, especially an alcoholic. But maybe that's just me. I'd rather live in a shack with the man I love than to have to put up with what you're dealing with.
And now you're his enabler. I know is your hope and prayer that it will be soon, and by supplying his alcohol it more than likely will be.
Is it worth it really??? I mean REALLY???
I am really sorry you are going thru this. I am glad u spoke with his doctor. At this point your husband is slowly dying anyway. Its not so much that the alcohol will hasten his death, its that it makes him happy and life easier for you. He is dying and depriving him of alcohol will not change that.
Remember when this is all over, you did enough. If you don't grieve, don't worry about it. Your doing it now. Please up date us.
As you say, all we can do is wish her well and hope that she isn’t going to be continually harmed by her situation.
That is true BUT even small amounts of alcohol can cause issues, both acute and chronic. There are countless people who have met tragic ends that had less than a drink in them. If they didn't have that partial drink that would not have happened. There are countless people who just had couple a drinks a day that destroyed their body and brain over time. I've seen it with my own eyes.
Even the people at the bar who just have a "couple: of drinks: and are not drunk usually turn into a group of stupid people. I have seen this and I have been one, too!
The major problem with alcohol is no one knows who will get addicted. Sometimes it's the first drink or the 1000th.
I posted earlier on your thread, before you shared more details.
I am going to speak about my experience with an addict. Of course, you have the right to choose whatever you feel is best for you.
Personally, I couldn’t justify staying with my husband if he was like your husband. Nothing could keep me there. I would give up everything and even enter a woman’s shelter if I had to.
My physical and mental well being would cause me to leave a husband such as yours.
I am glad that you are aware that your husband can’t quit cold turkey. He has a disease and is quite far gone. Most likely, a lost cause at this point.
My childhood was robbed from me due to my brother’s addiction. I saw and heard things that no child should ever be exposed to.
I saw my brother overdose on heroin on our front porch and I ran inside to get my mother.
I didn’t understand why my brother collapsed. I just remember that my younger brother and I were outside playing and we saw him fall. We looked at each other and wondered if he died. We were young and scared.
Naturally, all of this brought so much confusion into my life.
I would climb up to my treehouse in our backyard to escape the mayhem between my parents and my brother. When I got older, I would hop on my bicycle and ride for miles and miles to get away.
I couldn’t bear the emotional pain that I felt when I was near my brother.
I was embarrassed in front of my friends. I stopped inviting friends to our house. I went through times of loneliness, along with anxiety and depression. I couldn’t eat without getting an upset stomach.
I felt many different emotions, perhaps being sad the most prevalent, yet I did well throughout school. I knew that a good education would lead to becoming independent. School was a great distraction for me.
I think I felt a huge responsibility to please my parents because my brother caused them so much grief.
I do have compassion for addicts. It is a horrible disease. Still, I feel that they must assume responsibility for their actions no matter how difficult it may be.
When I sought out therapy as an adult I discovered that my confusion in my youth came from the fact that before my brother became an addict he was a terrific older brother that I loved. Plus. I was seeing things through a child’s eyes.
Before my brother was an addict, I have some memories of being in a happy family.
I was 6 years old when when he started using at age 13. A friend at school asked him to try heroin. Parents didn’t warn kids about drugs at that age back then.
My brother was very intelligent and a good person when he was clean. He even had his own business at one point. He lost everything due to his addiction. He became homeless at one point.
As an adult, I desperately tried to help him. We can’t help anyone who doesn’t want help. There were times when he would get clean but it never lasted.
When my mom was living with us, she asked me if my brother could move in with us to avoid becoming homeless. She had taken him into her home when things were rough for him.
I am married with two daughters. I told my mother that I had no choice but to live with him as a child but I have a choice now. I said that I would never place my children in the same situation that I was in.
My brother died in 2013 in an end of life hospice facility with liver failure. I cut all ties with him years before. His friend called me to tell me that he was dying. I did take my mom to see him before he died. I forgave him and he died peacefully in hospice.
Nothing is better than having peace of mind. It’s priceless.
I really do hope that you will be able to work things out to where you can have what you want.
I chose to protect myself and my family from my brother. I certainly hope that you will protect yourself. An addict will do anything to get their next fix.
I wish you the very best. I feel your pain.