Dealing with anger about going home to visit. Any suggestions?

No I definitely would not take him home for a visit. This could set off some triggers you may not be prepared to deal with. Ultimately you will have to take him back to MC and this may cause more anger and agitation. I would suggest having him evaluated by his doctor with these new behaviors you are describing. He may need to change meds to help with the paranoia and anger issues. Good luck to you!

NO! do not take him home for a visit. Particularly if he becomes angry when you say that going home for a visit is not possible.
Tell him if he takes you to court and the judge says he can go home for a visit you then you will take him home for a visit.
You KNOW a judge will not grant that.
Tell him if you were planning on running off you would not be there with him every day. Reassure him that you love him.

Perhaps you might need to cut your visits back to just a few times a week for a while. You might want to also try just bringing lunch in to his facility for you both instead of going out for lunch, as that seems to trigger his wanting to go by the house and his anger.
His facility probably has some form of transportation that can take him to his doctors appts. as well, so you're not put in that predicament. You can just meet him there.
There's really no easy answers, so hang in there.

Perhaps its time to move to a new home! Visiting: Use FaceTime to make it short and sweet. Encourage him to spend time with his friends at the facility. Does he enjoy any board games or card games that he can engage with them?

One thing you could try would be to get a video made of your house. There are firms that do them to go on real estate sites prior to a sale, they are used to doing it and should be fairly slick and affordable. I’ve often wished that I had a record like that of other places I have lived in.

Show it to him in the facility, and see how he reacts. If the reaction is bad, it reinforces the ‘no’. But it might be just that he is thinking about it and wants to refresh his memory. It sounds as though things are getting fairly difficult now, so even a bad reaction might not make it worse. If you have changed anything at home, go prepared with a conversation about why and what has happened. It might help it to work well. It could reassure him that you are still living there in the same way, his photos are still in the same place, and you really are missing him.

It's heartbreaking for them to know their home isn't theirs anymore, but visiting makes it so much worse.

Not long after I had my mother in a nursing facility I took her to lunch, and we swung past the house because she had to go to the bathroom. I knew we wouldn’t be able to get back to her place before it was too late, so against my better judgment I agreed to go to the house. What should have been a five minute in and out visit lasted an hour and a half with her wandering from room to room crying about how her home was no longer her home. She didn’t get angry -- she wasn’t that type -- but she was so sad and so depressed I just felt awful. It was like taking her to the nursing home the first time all over again. I regret that to this day.

Please don’t do it.

Have you considered not visiting him nearly every day?

No solution here . Just want you to know that you are not alone. I was told that they settle in after 3 months. Not true in many cases. Many of them do not a accept being there where I visit daily. Good luck.

Lying to my sweet mom with dementia was the hardest thing I ever did. I told her the doctor would not allow her to leave but when she was cleared we would go. The social worker told me taking her to her apartment would be a huge mistake. I had to clean out her apartment and get rid of it while she was still alive. Lying to her and telling her I was paying the rent and everything was fine. I was always blaming things on others. Made things easier for me and her. I also cut down visits to a couple of times a week with an occasional phone call in between. So hard as I always saw or spoke to my mom all the time. When I visited I planned things like taking her to the library or to the activities room so that her mind was on something else. We colored together or watched movies or looked at magazines. Eventually she stopped asking about home but unfortunately that was in the later stages. It’s hard but you have to be creative and go on the journey with them. When she told me all the places she visited while in the nursing home I asked her tons of questions and never questioned her. Her mind took her to the White House and on many excursions outside of where she was living. Although I knew it wasn’t true I just went with her when she told me. Do whatever it takes to try to soothe him even if it means lying. It’s so hard and I understand.

He is depressed over his situation, an antidepressant could work wonders. It did for my dad, made him very up and content and positive.
this is so hard….

1. Visit less.

2. Remember, dementia is a "broken brain" which worsens over time. It is not possible to reason.

3. When he starts focusing on going home, don't answer. Instead, bring the visit to a close, and leave. It will be easier on you than having a futile discussion, and hopefully, he will begin associating the two and eventually not ask.

I am sure this is very, very hard for you and I am so sorry you are going through this.

My husband displays many of the same behaviors. Like anger, paranoia, etc. I try to visit every day, which is draining with the constant anger and complaining he wants to go home. I feel guilty going less. How would reducing visits help?

My husband did the same thing to me and said the same things. Deep down I feel that he knows how to manipulate me and will try it every chance he gets. I stole all his money, let him there to die and on and on. Personally I wouldn’t t take him home. What makes you think he will leave once he sits down on the couch? Mine broke out of the memory care, got a taxi home (how he did it no one knows) sat down on the couch and refused to go back! Yes, the police were out looking for him but once he got into the door he refused to leave. Thank goodness the police were already there. He was yelling and screaming. My son came and took his father back to the facility. I was frightened because I was afraid he would hit him.

ps. I talk him him on the facility phone once in awhile. I dare not go because of the anger issues and my mental state and physical health was suffering. The facility had to call police because he became violent . He wanted to go home.

It is really less about the house, than his old life. If he could go home a place he remembers fondly where was a capable, comfortable, and in control, he thinks his life would return to that. Perhaps a few photos in new place of previous accomplishments, points of pride, fishing expeditions, things that they built, great family vacations.... would be reassuring.

As the mind becomes more fractured, people are afraid and not sure of what is going on, the paranoia is a coping strategy, someone else is causing this, b/c in their mind there is nothing wrong with them.

Emotionally is is heartbreaking for the caregiver as well. Parenting your parent is really hard. And no matter what you do , someone will tell you are wrong.

Has anyone ever told you that almost everyone living in MC “wants to go home”?

You have been told by several posters that “going home” rarely if ever yields the result the resident OR the loving caregiver thinks it will.

If you’re saying to yourself “But my husband isn’t like all those other victim’s of dementia. His situation is different”. Well, if you’re saying this to yourself, it’s probably time for you to stop saying it.

“Highly cognizant” doesn’t really mean very much when discussing the function of a progressively breaking brain, but paranoia and hostility and saying things that are hurtful to loved ones are sadly, also typical of many AL residents

People in Memory Care need structure and support and repetition. His current caregivers are trained to deal with the behaviors he’s experiencing.

So- please don’t plan “visits” away from what needs to be HIS HOME NOW.

My LO had broken a collar bone the Spring before she entered Memory Care. The surgeon who had set it was in the neighborhood, and she was mobile, so we took her to his office for her final checkup, several weeks after she’d begun her rocky entrance to her new environment.

We had promised her that we’d take her out for a sandwich, previously a favorite activity, when we had finished with the doctor.

Much to our surprise, she quickly asked to be taken “home”, and clearly. Dictated that she meant her facility. Bittersweet for us, but she made it clear that it was the best place for her.

You’ve done what is best for him. Now stop questioning yourself, ignore his unfiltered hostility, visit a little less and for shorter time increments, and let him become part of his new life.

Get him a tablet so he can drop in at your house via internet. Please take a moment to understand what it is like to lose memory. It's absolutely awful. Living at a facility for 9 myself I hated it, with a passion. By the way he is right you know - the stories of loved ones just leaving (like my husband and my house) when I became paralyzed...his worries are not unfounded. All the people in there have THAT exact story. Husband, wife, daughter, son left them there and sold their stuff. So he hears that all day. Just a bit of perspective

No--don't do that-- don't trigger the behavior. Agree and divert, don't try to reason.
Without a short term memory your husband can't retain a thought beyond a few minutes at best, and he can't create a memory that tells him why he's in MC. He will try to come up with a story that makes sense to him as to what's going on.
The disease takes away the ability to use logic and reasoning, but lets people hang on to emotions. I guarantee you he isn't remembering the actual outings, but he is hanging on to the confusion and emotions his story creates for him each time.
These might help and will show additional topics you might find helpful: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=awBm4S9NwJ0
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EOCZInnLQd0
It takes a lot of time and routine, day after day, for a person with dementia to begin to identify new surroundings and settle in. Everything seems new, all the time. That takes up a lot of mental resources on top of the challenges already caused by the disease. It's not unusual to see some progression occur for a while during 'settling in'.
My mom wanted to be in a place of her own. She was probably late stage 4/ early 5, and it still took her 6 weeks to 'relax' and 3 months to really start to treat her AL as 'home'. I've seen some forum posters say it can take as long as 6 months.
Other posters have made great suggestions as to how to approach this by reducing visits and not taking him out of the facility if it agitates him.
Many MC's have a visiting physician on staff--consider switching his care over if that's an option, to reduce the number of visits required . Evaluate what tests, labs, and meds are really necessary. At 92, my mom's days of dexascans and mammograms are over.

sounds like he lashes out because he is scared - scared of dying and dying alone! maybe take pics of the house, every room and show him and talk about it.. see how that works and reassure him that you cannot give him the care he is getting where he is now! you have to think of you too Good luck

I’m confused.

You say he’s “highly cognizant” but in a memory care facility. If I was highly cognizant, I’d want to go home too.

Also, isn’t he accurate in your expectation that he stay at the memory care facility until he dies?

Don’t take him home for a visit! I also wouldn’t take him for outings other than the doctor. That lends a sense of normalcy when that is not the case anymore. Always keep in mind why he ended up in MC in the first place. He may appear cognizant and lucid but those times are fleeting. It’s scary and unnerving to be around his rage but don’t let it make you second guess yourself. His anger is also part of the memory problems. He makes it about you but it really isn’t, as hard as it is for you to hear. If you think things are bad now, imagine what it would be like if you took him home and he didn’t want to leave?

My guitarist brother with brain cancer is in hospice care at an excellent nursing facility. Hospice brought in a guitarist to play for him and the next time my brother played along with his own guitar as well as he could. The guitarist invited my brother a couple of times to the pizza pub where he had a gig. My brother loved it but each time they brought him back to the facility he was adamant that he didn’t live there. My poor 23year old niece had to convince him this was his home now. She wanted to bring him to her house for Thanksgiving but hospice and I helped her realize he wouldn’t want to back to the facility. It wouldn’t create the kind of Thanksgiving memories she’d want.

I’m sure it’s incredibly hard to reconcile this loving man no longer behaves lovingly but very belligerently instead. Who wouldn’t want to run away? Remember it’s the brain problem that’s masking the person you’ve always known him to be. Perhaps grieving this change in him could alleviate some of the anger. You’re responding as if he is of sound mind when he rages but he isn’t. That’s a huge loss!

Why not??? It is his house too!!! A prison no matter how nice it is ...is still a prison!!!

GET HIM OUT OF THERE!

Talk to his memory care manager. Ask if something "happened there" that might have triggered these reactions - a new unstable resident, change in routine, less sleep, if his pee smells or looks "off." If so, let them know your husband is having difficulty and may need a little more attention than usual.

If none of this is an issue, consider talking to his doctor or scheduling an appointment. He may have a physical ailment causing his odd thought processes. He might also be suffering from increased anxiety and need medication to help.

If he is highly cognizant, why is he in memory care? Something does not sound right. Does he go in and out - how did he get there? And if he is abusive and says all these bad things to you, he is certainly NOT loving. What is the real person? I need facts. And until you know exactly what is going on with him, do NOT take him home. What if he is ridden with dementia, do you know how hard it would be to move him. Don't be a food. Figure out what is going on and go from there.

Trying to imagine what it might feel like to be living in a 'foreign' place when you still remember the 'real' home; it must feel like an 'eviction'. And seeing you every day could be a 'trigger' that you still get to be 'home' so it may feel a bit cruel that he gets these frequent 'reminders' that he can't go to that home. So, hard as it might be, perhaps decrease your visits. Can you arrange his room at memory care to somewhat remind him of his former home, favorite pillows, pictures, etc.?

Earthgrammy: He is in a memory care facility for a reason - he has a disease of the brain, dementia. Thus, whatever he states albeit difficult for YOU to hear, you must remember that you are the one in control. A patient who suffers from dementia has lost the ability to reason. His brain cannot process why he's angry. For all intents and purposes, it would not be a good idea for him to visit his FORMER house. Prayers and love sent.
Llamalover47

My mother has been in a memory care for a year now. She still wants to go home. Even though I am not sure she knows what home is anymore. She is getting more abusive, calling me in the middle of the night and demanding I take her home. I tell her that the doctors said it wasn’t safe for her to be at home alone anymore, which it isn’t. I told her as soon as they allow her to return home, I will take her home. But I also point out that she was leaving the gas oven on, was unable to make her meals, and unable to take her medication. When she demands I take her home I simply tell her I won’t. She has taken to hanging up the phone on me. This is very Grueling but what can you do? There is no other option. I am disabled and can barely walk. And I have told her that I will not participate in any plan to bring her home unless medical personnel approves. And that isn’t going to happen. This is a terrible disease and I know it’s going to get worse. I feel for you and your situation, but I think you should absolutely not take him home. I know I am not taking my mother home anytime soon, and probably never. Thank you for raising this topic because I think a lot of us struggle with this issue and I have found the comments very helpful.

First off, if your husband is 'highly cognizant', what is he doing living in Memory Care in the first place?

Secondly, 'highly cognizant' people don't get super paranoid and start accusing their wives of 'selling the house & running off with another man.'

So your DH is either suffering from dementia and NEEDS to be in Memory Care (or they would not have accepted him) or you're convincing yourself he's 'highly cognizant' when he's not. If he doesn't belong there, take him home. If he belongs there, then here is my response:

When my mother started getting very angry, loud & agitated, demanding this & that from me and screaming bloody murder, I called her hospice nurse. We discussed extra medication *Ativan* to calm her down; mom was 'shaking all over' and demanding to 'get the hell out of here to see papa & mama' both dead for decades already. She had convinced herself she was being held prisoner in the Memory Care AL, so same scenario with the paranoia, which goes with the territory when advanced dementia is on the scene. Anyway, the hospice nurse called mom's NP and within 30 minutes, a new order was written for Ativan every 6 hours instead of once a day at 7 pm which wasn't doing SQUAT for her Sundowning that's now started at 1 pm every day. Voila, she's calmed down a LOT over the past couple of days & is even saying how much she loves me.

Stop getting swayed by what your DH is saying/demanding of you and remember you're dealing with dementia here which presents itself in ugly ways. It's convincing your DH that YOU are the Bad Guy now & have all sorts of secret plans to trick him. Delusions need to be addressed and calmed down with meds before they get too severe for the poor man. Speak to his doctor instead of trying to calm him down by taking him home.........that's a bad idea on every level. What do you do when he refuses to budge out of the house when it's time to go back to the MC?

Please ignore troll comments from people who are out of their realm of experience when giving out 'free advice' here. A Memory Care is certainly NOT a prison and your DH was placed there for HIS SAFETY & wellbeing. Laying a guilt trip on YOU serves NO good purpose & can also lead you to make unwise decisions for the wrong reasons. Remember that DEMENTIA is the Bad Guy here, not you, not the Memory Care AL, not anything else, JUST the dementia. Just as you'd send the man off to the hospital for care for a broken hip, you've sent him to a managed care facility for CARE for his dementia. Don't allow ridiculous comments to interfere with common sense or make you feel as if you're doing something 'wrong'. What we need here is a 'delete' button as we have on all other blog sites where unwelcome comments can be removed.

Wishing you the best of luck with a stressful situation. Sending you a hug and a prayer for peace.

Not sure why he is in memory care if he is highly cognizant...

If it were me, I would not take him out of memory care. I would bring sandwiches in when you want to have lunch with him. Take him for a walk around the building if he want to stretch his legs, etc.

I brought in donuts and coffee for mom and her friends the other morning. We all sat around and gabbed. I spoke with the nurses to make sure no one had any dietary restrictions first. It was a nice visit.

Of course your husband is going to want to come home with you when you take him out and about. You have him in there for a reason...focus on visits that make the most of his new home.

This past Christmas was the last time I plan on taking mom out of memory care. It confuses her and she was agitated for two weeks afterwards. Her idiot brother was telling her about all the family members that died. I don't even think she remembered any of them. But those stories fragmented and stayed in her head and she kept thinking my brother died or that I had died. I was getting two calls from the facility daily that she was in a panic. I know my uncles big mouth was the cause for the agitation. So I think I will visit with her to have my holidays at her place. I think it's better for her that way.

You might want to consider the same thing for your husband.

No. Not unless you want the mess to spiral more out of control. I also would encourage you to stop seeing him every day and when you do, keep the conversations on his "great" progress. Remember, he is in memory care for a reason!

I am joining the group that says... under no circumstance should you "stop" by the house with him for a visit. Nope, no, no way. This will make it so much worse for you, him and the staff at the MC. And if he refuses to budge once he is in the house... then what?

I think he being in an MC and your use of the term "cognizant" is causing many people to be confused. I think by the term cognizant you mean that he recognizes you and remembers things from his history (trips, pets, friends) but in your profile it indicates that he has a dx of Alzheimer's dementia. So he is in memory care for a valid medical reason which has been certified by a doctor. The fact that this loving man is now angry with you for putting him in an environment where he can get the help/care he needs and is accusing you of wanting to run off with someone else proves that he is no longer thinking like he did in the past. I think in your mind you know this but it still hurts and that is understandable. When we stand at the altar in our 30 and repeat those vows, we think of all the positive things in our future, home, career, children, grandchildren, travel retirement. In those dreams and thoughts, we don't think of cancer, dementia, caregiving but in reality they are real and are facts.
You are doing the best you can for him out of love and it sounds like if the situation were reversed he would do the best he could for you.

Alzheimer's can get worse. Eventually he may not recognize you and he will not respond as he used to in his previous state of mind. Do not take him on trips out of the MC. Walk around their grounds for exercise. Limit the number of days you visit him. If he becomes abusive when you visit, you need to leave. Yes.... it is unbelievably hard. I think this is where the "for worse" part of those vows comes and stares you in the face but know that you are not alone. Millions of people are walking this path. You can do this and you will survive.

Wishing you blessings and Peace on this journey.