Hubby is in a really good memory care place 15 mins from home. I see him nearly every day. He's still highly cognizant. When we're out for lunch or a doctor visit he always wants to stop by the house. Everyone says this is a really bad idea. That it turns out to be cruel and they don't want to leave, and it creates a mess. I've been honest about it since he doesn't "fool" easily with made up stories. But he's so angry now, calling me up to say that I WANT him to die in this place (memory care) and he's going to get out of there even if he has to go to court, and saying really hateful things. It's amped up some paranoia about me wanting to sell the house, run off with someone else, and so on. He's such a loving guy, this is really over the top for him. Any suggestions? Should I take him home for a visit?

It's heartbreaking for them to know their home isn't theirs anymore, but visiting makes it so much worse.

Not long after I had my mother in a nursing facility I took her to lunch, and we swung past the house because she had to go to the bathroom. I knew we wouldn’t be able to get back to her place before it was too late, so against my better judgment I agreed to go to the house. What should have been a five minute in and out visit lasted an hour and a half with her wandering from room to room crying about how her home was no longer her home. She didn’t get angry -- she wasn’t that type -- but she was so sad and so depressed I just felt awful. It was like taking her to the nursing home the first time all over again. I regret that to this day.

Please don’t do it.
Helpful Answer (13)
Reply to MJ1929

Perhaps you might need to cut your visits back to just a few times a week for a while. You might want to also try just bringing lunch in to his facility for you both instead of going out for lunch, as that seems to trigger his wanting to go by the house and his anger.
His facility probably has some form of transportation that can take him to his doctors appts. as well, so you're not put in that predicament. You can just meet him there.
There's really no easy answers, so hang in there.
Helpful Answer (11)
Reply to funkygrandma59

Lying to my sweet mom with dementia was the hardest thing I ever did. I told her the doctor would not allow her to leave but when she was cleared we would go. The social worker told me taking her to her apartment would be a huge mistake. I had to clean out her apartment and get rid of it while she was still alive. Lying to her and telling her I was paying the rent and everything was fine. I was always blaming things on others. Made things easier for me and her. I also cut down visits to a couple of times a week with an occasional phone call in between. So hard as I always saw or spoke to my mom all the time. When I visited I planned things like taking her to the library or to the activities room so that her mind was on something else. We colored together or watched movies or looked at magazines. Eventually she stopped asking about home but unfortunately that was in the later stages. It’s hard but you have to be creative and go on the journey with them. When she told me all the places she visited while in the nursing home I asked her tons of questions and never questioned her. Her mind took her to the White House and on many excursions outside of where she was living. Although I knew it wasn’t true I just went with her when she told me. Do whatever it takes to try to soothe him even if it means lying. It’s so hard and I understand.
Helpful Answer (10)
Reply to Birdymom

First off, if your husband is 'highly cognizant', what is he doing living in Memory Care in the first place?

Secondly, 'highly cognizant' people don't get super paranoid and start accusing their wives of 'selling the house & running off with another man.'

So your DH is either suffering from dementia and NEEDS to be in Memory Care (or they would not have accepted him) or you're convincing yourself he's 'highly cognizant' when he's not. If he doesn't belong there, take him home. If he belongs there, then here is my response:

When my mother started getting very angry, loud & agitated, demanding this & that from me and screaming bloody murder, I called her hospice nurse. We discussed extra medication *Ativan* to calm her down; mom was 'shaking all over' and demanding to 'get the hell out of here to see papa & mama' both dead for decades already. She had convinced herself she was being held prisoner in the Memory Care AL, so same scenario with the paranoia, which goes with the territory when advanced dementia is on the scene. Anyway, the hospice nurse called mom's NP and within 30 minutes, a new order was written for Ativan every 6 hours instead of once a day at 7 pm which wasn't doing SQUAT for her Sundowning that's now started at 1 pm every day. Voila, she's calmed down a LOT over the past couple of days & is even saying how much she loves me.

Stop getting swayed by what your DH is saying/demanding of you and remember you're dealing with dementia here which presents itself in ugly ways. It's convincing your DH that YOU are the Bad Guy now & have all sorts of secret plans to trick him. Delusions need to be addressed and calmed down with meds before they get too severe for the poor man. Speak to his doctor instead of trying to calm him down by taking him home.........that's a bad idea on every level. What do you do when he refuses to budge out of the house when it's time to go back to the MC?

Please ignore troll comments from people who are out of their realm of experience when giving out 'free advice' here. A Memory Care is certainly NOT a prison and your DH was placed there for HIS SAFETY & wellbeing. Laying a guilt trip on YOU serves NO good purpose & can also lead you to make unwise decisions for the wrong reasons. Remember that DEMENTIA is the Bad Guy here, not you, not the Memory Care AL, not anything else, JUST the dementia. Just as you'd send the man off to the hospital for care for a broken hip, you've sent him to a managed care facility for CARE for his dementia. Don't allow ridiculous comments to interfere with common sense or make you feel as if you're doing something 'wrong'. What we need here is a 'delete' button as we have on all other blog sites where unwelcome comments can be removed.

Wishing you the best of luck with a stressful situation. Sending you a hug and a prayer for peace.
Helpful Answer (10)
Reply to lealonnie1
Llamalover47 Jan 23, 2022
Lea: OP's profile states that her husband suffers from dementia.
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Have you considered not visiting him nearly every day?
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to GAinPA

No I definitely would not take him home for a visit. This could set off some triggers you may not be prepared to deal with. Ultimately you will have to take him back to MC and this may cause more anger and agitation. I would suggest having him evaluated by his doctor with these new behaviors you are describing. He may need to change meds to help with the paranoia and anger issues. Good luck to you!
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to Caliliving
Helenn Jan 23, 2022
I don’t think the solution is more medication !!!!
hubby wants to go home … that’s a very real request … wouldn’t you ???
when my hubby did ask same … I was very honest… said I couldn’t take good care of him at home … it was dangerous stairs falls .. meds not regulated properly… Visits to GP’s useless … it was hard to convince because they’ve lost ability to think logically…. But he came to realize that was true… and MC provided all the care we couldn’t at home no matter all the aides !!!
Also it was lonely and boring at home … few visitors after initial drive bye’s… visit as much as you can .. let him know you haven’t abandoned…
continue outings … bring treats …
some do well with occasional visits home … I didn’t think my husband would .. do whatever you think right.
but I surely wouldn’t cut back visits !!!! Tell him you don’t like situation either but ‘we have to make best of it’ … you know LO best so do whatever to cut down on their anxieties and confusion!!
best luck
It is really less about the house, than his old life. If he could go home a place he remembers fondly where was a capable, comfortable, and in control, he thinks his life would return to that. Perhaps a few photos in new place of previous accomplishments, points of pride, fishing expeditions, things that they built, great family vacations.... would be reassuring.

As the mind becomes more fractured, people are afraid and not sure of what is going on, the paranoia is a coping strategy, someone else is causing this, b/c in their mind there is nothing wrong with them.

Emotionally is is heartbreaking for the caregiver as well. Parenting your parent is really hard. And no matter what you do , someone will tell you are wrong.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to robinasq

Don’t take him home for a visit! I also wouldn’t take him for outings other than the doctor. That lends a sense of normalcy when that is not the case anymore. Always keep in mind why he ended up in MC in the first place. He may appear cognizant and lucid but those times are fleeting. It’s scary and unnerving to be around his rage but don’t let it make you second guess yourself. His anger is also part of the memory problems. He makes it about you but it really isn’t, as hard as it is for you to hear. If you think things are bad now, imagine what it would be like if you took him home and he didn’t want to leave?

My guitarist brother with brain cancer is in hospice care at an excellent nursing facility. Hospice brought in a guitarist to play for him and the next time my brother played along with his own guitar as well as he could. The guitarist invited my brother a couple of times to the pizza pub where he had a gig. My brother loved it but each time they brought him back to the facility he was adamant that he didn’t live there. My poor 23year old niece had to convince him this was his home now. She wanted to bring him to her house for Thanksgiving but hospice and I helped her realize he wouldn’t want to back to the facility. It wouldn’t create the kind of Thanksgiving memories she’d want.

I’m sure it’s incredibly hard to reconcile this loving man no longer behaves lovingly but very belligerently instead. Who wouldn’t want to run away? Remember it’s the brain problem that’s masking the person you’ve always known him to be. Perhaps grieving this change in him could alleviate some of the anger. You’re responding as if he is of sound mind when he rages but he isn’t. That’s a huge loss!
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to katepaints

My mother has been in a memory care for a year now. She still wants to go home. Even though I am not sure she knows what home is anymore. She is getting more abusive, calling me in the middle of the night and demanding I take her home. I tell her that the doctors said it wasn’t safe for her to be at home alone anymore, which it isn’t. I told her as soon as they allow her to return home, I will take her home. But I also point out that she was leaving the gas oven on, was unable to make her meals, and unable to take her medication. When she demands I take her home I simply tell her I won’t. She has taken to hanging up the phone on me. This is very Grueling but what can you do? There is no other option. I am disabled and can barely walk. And I have told her that I will not participate in any plan to bring her home unless medical personnel approves. And that isn’t going to happen. This is a terrible disease and I know it’s going to get worse. I feel for you and your situation, but I think you should absolutely not take him home. I know I am not taking my mother home anytime soon, and probably never. Thank you for raising this topic because I think a lot of us struggle with this issue and I have found the comments very helpful.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to Conniejay
cherokeegrrl54 Jan 25, 2022
You are correct in saying no to mom…..blame it on the dr…..he says your here for a while, we will see. Under no circumstances take her out of the facility. I would let her dr know what she is doing. Maybe he can give her meds to calm her.
Not sure why he is in memory care if he is highly cognizant...

If it were me, I would not take him out of memory care. I would bring sandwiches in when you want to have lunch with him. Take him for a walk around the building if he want to stretch his legs, etc.

I brought in donuts and coffee for mom and her friends the other morning. We all sat around and gabbed. I spoke with the nurses to make sure no one had any dietary restrictions first. It was a nice visit.

Of course your husband is going to want to come home with you when you take him out and about. You have him in there for a reason...focus on visits that make the most of his new home.

This past Christmas was the last time I plan on taking mom out of memory care. It confuses her and she was agitated for two weeks afterwards. Her idiot brother was telling her about all the family members that died. I don't even think she remembered any of them. But those stories fragmented and stayed in her head and she kept thinking my brother died or that I had died. I was getting two calls from the facility daily that she was in a panic. I know my uncles big mouth was the cause for the agitation. So I think I will visit with her to have my holidays at her place. I think it's better for her that way.

You might want to consider the same thing for your husband.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to Jamesj
cherokeegrrl54 Jan 25, 2022
Seems like there’s always one big loud mouthed person in every family that causes problems for someone….
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