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Does anyone have any advice on dealing with a parent who is extremely self-centered to the point of being emotionally abusive at times? My mother has been self-centered her whole life. I am a single woman, work full-time as an IT exec, and have a small horse farm. I do my best to be present in their lives as much as possible, but she is driving me away with her constant whining, nagging, and complaints. My father's 80th birthday is at the end of the month and I am trying to plan a small celebration for him. I invited my aunt and uncle to town, reserved an Air BnB for them, and made the plans for the celebration. I let my mother know so she could help make plans for the day on their end. Now she is whining and won't let it go that I should have booked the AirBnB in her town and done everything at their house. (My parents are still both fully independent and capable of driving 5 hours to the beach when they want. I live 45 minutes away.) They do have an elderly dog that requires eye drops and medicine several times a day. But the dog and medicines travel just fine.



She told me today she wasn't going to let this go and now I have 28 days to live with this constant nagging. I have paid $500 for the Airbnb, spent hours creating outdoor living space, as well as making sure my house will be ready to host.



I had to hang up today because she was just over-the-top with this demand that I switch up everything.



First, in Reddit speak, am I the for putting my foot down and keeping everything at my house? If not, how do I deal with this? I am not the crying sort, but I just want to break down and cry over this whole thing.

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It's a party that you planned, she is invited, she can either attend or not, that is her choice.

You are being manipulated; she will continue to assault you until she gets her way.

I am not in for that ungrateful, toxic behavior. Me? I'd cancel it and let her plan her own party her own way and yes pay for it too.
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Since it's your father's birthday, maybe just bring him for the small celebration, and let your mother sit and stew at home.

"She told me today she wasn't going to let this go "

And you should tell her if that's the case, that she isn't going to go.
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Mother or not, you need to set boundries especially with this type of personality. Look up the "Grey rock method". You need to learn to shut her off. When she calls you do not have to pick up the phone. When you do, you don't have to listen. Just say "Mom the plans have all been made. I am doing this for Dad not you. I am not discussing it with you any further. I am hanging up now."
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Please don’t discuss this with your mother again, or listen to her on the subject. Let your dad know what you’ve planned for him and how much those invited are looking forward to the celebration. Offer to pick him, or them, up if needed. It’s very kind of you to plan this, don’t let it be ruined by controlling, whining behavior that’s obviously worked for a long time. Going forward, refuse to participate in her behavior. The book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend has been a huge help to many here, I highly recommend you read it. Don’t let mom’s behavior rule you or your emotions. I wish you peace
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It looks like you have done a celebration for two 80 year olds without consulting whether or not this was their own wish?
I am 80 and my partner is 82. I wouldn't like that one little bit, quite honestly. Yes, we can still drive; but certainly we do that less happily and less easily and never at night. In fact I have given up my license. We are happiest with a quiet life at home. Christmas Eve is one a year here. That's about our limit on celebrations, and it is in our home, and to tell the truth, smaller and smaller tree, less and less food--hee hee. And I ofted out of presents two years ago; very happily.
Just my own opinion, but plans that involve elders, no matter how well meaning made, should first be passed by the elders. Surprise is no as appreciated as when you were young.
This was planned and is in the works. I don't know how happy you can keep your Mom throughout, but if Mom was always a bit self-centered, how happy was she ever?
I wish you the best.
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farmher Jul 2022
Hi Alva, I appreciate your answer. The.location and date were vetted by my mother since her birthday is in the middle of the month. The only change has been to add my aunt and uncle. And as I pointed out, they feel capable of making a trip to the beach (coming up) and they are constantly going out in their area. They are also planning on driving into DC to stay for 4 days to visit with friends.

She started with trying to manipulate the menu planning and has escalated from there.

If either of them had given up their license, I would have approached this differently.
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