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I have noticed that things go South really fast with my mother. She is suffering from heart disease, bad and she is very depressed and anxious. It is very hard for her. I get it. I'm doing my best, 'but I guess my best isn't good enough' as the song goes. (an old song) Anyway, what do you all do when it starts to go south and you don't even know how it did ? You feel like youre walking on egghshells and that you are cracking them. Hard to explain this. So you try to explain and fix it and say that you never meant it the way they took it but they wont listen to it. It is your fault. So you apologize and they wont accept the apology. You are guilty. Then the phone gets slammed down or something. And they say "don't call me for a year" (yep that was the last comment I got).
So, then you feel guilty and bad and the next time you try harder. And it doesn't work. Since your parent was never this way before, you begin to wonder. Feeling lost and confused. Thank you.
Most times this is happening over the phone, but it can happen in person. My bro went over once and I think she didn't hear him say "Im busy I can't talk right now" and she ended up screaming at him saying 'why wont you talk to me? What is wrong with me". Am I too old and ugly for you now?".
Have to say this is a person who was the kindest, most easy-going person in the world, and now it's changed.
So what do you all do, if anyone has experienced this, that is. Thanks.

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I can only tell you what i would do in your situation. If you are doing the cooking, cleaning and shopping forom and it's not enough care, and she's been told by doctors that she needs 24/7 care and your brother isn't "getting: that, i would feel obliged to call APS and have them take a look at the situation. You've at the least then reported what you feel is an unsafe situation to someone with some authority to force action.

I would also not run myself ragged. You can only do so much.
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Wait, you're doing the caregiving? Why is that? Have you spoken with APS about this?
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You are correct Babalou, and he IS responsible for at least not having this checked out. The truth is she fallen, many times,she has been hospitalized, they have told him she needs care. In my opinion (I am not a doctor) she is cognitively impaired at the very least, And so she is not to blame.
The huge difficulty here is I love her and do not know how to detach. I can detach from him and certainly will be done with him for what he has done to me over the last eight years..Long story, I tried and he is this way with others too. I know there is little I can do, but to do nothing: to detach ... is so very hard ... I truly believe she is not capable of making the decision to collude at this point. She is not toxic; she is ill. Sure of this. I am going to back off for a while. Nothing else I can do but it hurts because I feel like I am abandoning her. I will still continue to do what I have done in terms of cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc. Rock and a hard place. yes.
You are saints for answering and having so much patience with one very distraught woman here. Blessings to all of you.
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Colludes.
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J, you told her the truth. If she doesn't get home care "something" will happen. She'll fall, she'll have some event that will put her in the hospital and your brother will be told she can't be left alone. And it will be not your fault and not your problem.

In your shoes, I think I'd leave mom and brother alone right now. Send mom a funny card each week. In reality, if our elderly parent is competent and if they've put their poa in the hands of their child who collude in their denial ( a very common pattern) then there is NOTHING you can do.

Just remember, you're not allowed to say "I told you so" when something bad happens. You just say " I'm so sorry this has occurred". Sometimes being right is a hard thing.
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so sorry for above confusion. I finally found my previous name. Had forgotten it and since JJ was taken, I used Joelle. My apologies. I will stick with Jackie J
Anyway to delete the Joelle account?
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Sorry, meant to say my brother won't have her checked out and he has the legal papers that they only talk to him, not me.
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Best maybe if I just let her alone at this point. If I am causing her to be so anxious and upset.
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She will only go to the doctor with my brother. He doesn't think she has a mental problem. Really worried that she needs at home care. She is so weak. Doesn't want antidepressants. I don't know. I lost it and said "if you won't have in home care you might have to go to a nursing home. Feel so bad I said that. She said "you are a pushy lady and don't call me for a year". Hasn't answered the phone since and I am so worried now. Homebound mostly so its very hard for me to go there.
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Please check with the doctor about some anti-anxiety medications. All that upset is not good for either one of you. Doctor may say there's a fall hazard with anti-anxiety meds, but there also needs to be a balance so that the care-givers don't feel abused.
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Joelle, your mom may be having some cognitive impairment that you need to get checked out. That can change her personality. If that's the case, her brain is involved and she can't help it and you can't take it personally. It sounds like she might have some dementia (brain changes) going on, if she was never like this before.

My mom has heart issues too - atrial fib and CHF and is on meds to slow her heart down. I think it's affected her short-term memory and that has changed her over time. She's lost her problem-solving abilities and can't remember anything. It could just be from age, or even a combination, but the thing is, I know she can't help it. So you just learn to work around it. Babalou has given you some good suggestions for other things to check out that might help you both as well. Good luck - many of us are in positions where our loved ones have changed in significant ways and we have to learn how to navigate those new personalities.
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What meds is she on? Does one of you go to the doctor with her to check that she's "hearing" what he's saying? I would be worried about her hearing, her thinking skills and her emotional state. All of these changes should be reported to her doctor.

In terms of her depression, rage and what sounds live oversensitivity, has she been seen by a geriatric psychiatrist to see if antidepressant and antianxiety meds would help?

When was the last time she was seen by an audiologist to check her hearing and whether she has wax buildup in her ears?
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