How to deal with the guilt and pain?

Xinabess, dealing with guilt and pain is universal when we are caring for a loved one or, and I believe even more so, a mother. I am a full believer in therapy for caregivers. There a support groups available. The reason support groups work is caregiving can feel very alienating and knowing there are others going through can make all the difference in the world. My other suggestion, give yourself permission to be sad. You have every reason to feel blue and you deserve time to grieve the mom she no longer is or can be. Give yourself permission to take care of you. Maybe invest in a daily caregiver to spend time with your mom for social support to give you some breathing room.

Thanks, Geronstevie,

I am not actually my mom's caregiver. She has 24/7 home care. I visit her 2-3 times a week and it's just been so heartbreaking to see her gradually lose her oomph. Her stroke was almost a year ago and at first she was eager to go out for meals and participate in PT. Then I got her out of the NH, which she hated, and set her up back at home with the full time care. Even a few weeks ago, she was talking non-stop about learning to walk again (not really going to happen, but at least she was motivated to keep trying) and eager to go out to restaurants. Now she wants to go home and back to bed pretty much right after we order food that she hardly touches.

Today I started sobbing on the phone. I NEVER do that. I always try to be perky and positive, but I fell apart and said I was so worried about her. She then got upset and called me back 3 times concerned that I was crying. I just have that awful, sick knot in my stomach terror of losing her. Really not sure I could handle it.

But this is a great support group!

Find an in person support group. Look online for groups in your are. Alzheimer's Assn, or call the Area Agency on Aging, a great resource! Or try individual therapy, there are therapists that specialize in caregiver issues. You are a caregiver even if you are not doing the hands on.

Dear Xina,

Sorry to hear how you are feeling. Its very hard. Sometimes as the only daughter and only child there is so much responsibility put on us to care for our elderly parents. We do the best we can but as our parents get into their 80s and 90s its such a rollercoaster.

Your post really resonates with me. Because I kept my dad home after his stroke because he did not want to be in a nursing home. He too went from wanting to go out to restaurants but then hardly touching his food. He too just wanted to come back home and sleep. This pattern went on for months. What I didn't realize was my dad was suffering from heart failure. He passed last year at age 84. In hindsight, I wish I was more patient with him. I took more time to understand. But I was in vicious circle of just trying to manage his day to day care that I lost my compassion and judgement.

I have to agree with the others. Seek out other supports for yourself and your mom. I wish I had tried counselling or joining a support group. I just didn't know how to ask for help or communicate better with my dad, or even understand that my dad was dying.

Thinking of you. Sending you love and hugs.

Thank you, cdnreader. My mother (84) has had so many health issues in recent years - breast cancer, a fractured verterbra, and then the stroke. She also had high blood pressure (now controlled), and Afib. She was neglecting herself terribly prior to the stroke, but once she got to the hospital, she got a pacemaker, and is been properly medicated and cared for for the first time a a while. She is such a strong woman and has bounced back a million times, emotionally and physically, throughout my life, so I think of her as having 9 lives.

The crazy thing is that our relationship was so intense and fraught througout my life. We've always loved each other madly, but we'd scream and fight and hang up on each other all the time. Now my mom is utterly mild and sweet and loving and there is no tension, which is both good and bad. We don't get angry at each other and I am not impatient with her. It feels like a gift to have this phase, but it's also breaking my heart.

I do have a lot of close friends, daughters, and family, but I think most of us here know that it's a lonely experience no matter what.

I hear you, Xina. You are right, no matter who is in our lives being a caregiver is a very lonely experience. Because we care more, love more and do more. And its hard for other people to understand our devotion.

No its true. It is a blessing to have our parents live into their 80s and 90s and yet also heartbreaking. Because we know no one can live forever. I wish so badly my dad could have lived longer. I thought he would live to 100 years old. Just like George Burns with his cigars and just make it to 100. But it wasn't meant to be. I am still emotional 5 months after his passing.

Thank you for sharing feelings with us. I can relate so well. Take care my friend.