How do I deal with a sick mother who expects too much to visit her in the hospital and to stay overnight?

I paused to look at your profile. Has your mother had heart problems since you were 18? Are the strokes recent, as part of the current episode? It is unusual to be in the hospital for several weeks. Is she in the transitional care unit? (Sometimes called the "swing bed" unit.)

What is the long-term plan for her? Are they expecting she'll be able to return home, or have they suggested you start looking for a care center for her?

Has she lived with her partner long? How is that person holding up?

Here is the simple truth: You do not owe your mother financial support. You do not need to give up your life taking care of her. See that she is taken care of? Sure. Do all the caring yourself? Nope. That is not your responsibility.

This isn't going to all resolve itself with a conversation with the social worker. But that will be a great first step. If you are on disability you should also talk to your caseworker about options for housing for you on your own.

The situation is so bad that you wish you could kill yourself. That is pretty severe! So it needs to be fixed. The good news is that it can be! Things can be improved greatly once you are in touch with the right resources.

Please continue to post on here. We'll be your cyber friends!

And if you have suicidal thoughts, PLEASE call a suicide hotline at any time of the night or day. Things look bleak now, but you deserve to look forward to a better life. Reach out for any help available to keep you on that track.

Please take care of yourself first!!

The feelings of "wanting out" of what seems to be a never ending situation are normal, but don't act hastily!

As far as staying overnight in the hospital--well--my hubby had a liver transplant and then a horrible post op infection. He was in and out of the hospital several times. He never wanted me to leave his side..BUT, I still had a kid living at home, I had a yard and a house and all that goes along with it. Staying at the hospital meant trying to sleep sitting up in a plastic chair....I did, a couple of times and then wound up with a migraine from stress and lack of sleep.

Hubby would sleep all day, every day. I was getting sick. Finally I did talk to the social worker and she talked to his drs. They made a point of telling him, many times, that I was going to be stressed to the gills caring for him AT HOME when he came home and by insisting I never leave him alone and never getting my rest was jeopardizing his chances of being able to go home and not to a rehab facility. Then they would actually MAKE me go home. He'd call at 5 or 6 am whining "why wasn't I there yet?"...when I had left him 6 hrs earlier.

Tough love is what it took. Also I assigned some of the kids days to stay with dad. I called his brother in from Iowa to stay for a few days.

I barely made it through his very long and difficult recovery. I'm glad I learned t self-preserve. A sick caregiver is useless.

I hope you find some respite--and try not to let mom guilt you. There are plenty of people in the hospital taking care of mom. You take care of you first.

Musician, please get some good rest and talk to the social worker
at the hospital. Tell the social worker about your situation.

I hope you continue to read all the good information posted above.They can be daily reminders that what you are doing is what is best for you. You need a break . Do you have any local friends? And believe it , any form of exercise for you will help...it can clear your mind and hopefully help you rest better. How old is Mom? Will she likely continue like this? She spends your check??? Maybe you need a social worker to help you find a group home or other environment to live in. After 20 years, this is a lifelong habit and you might need some gentle counseling to learn how to break the cycle. It is not abandoning your Mom. Your desperate solution..."to end it all" is being heard. Please answer your own call for help! You certainly deserve it. Keep us posted.

I'm going to echo yogagirl here. Get some rest and talk to the social worker at the hospital.

If you tell her or him that you can't continue to stay with your mother every other night, she/he will probably tell you to stop doing it. That is not a medical requirement or an adult child's duty.

It is very hard on the elderly and especially on persons not in their right minds to stay in a hospital. It is not surprising that they want a familiar loved one with them. When my husband was in the hospital (he had dementia) I made sure that one of our children or I were with him all the time. But their were several of us, and that was for 5 days! So I can't say that your mother's wishes are unreasonable, but, gee, that is really too much to ask of you. You should be able to get a little respite while someone else is caring for Mom, not spending every other night in a hospital.

thank you all for advice and guidance ......i am humble to see you all care ......i sure could use cyber friends ......thank you all from the bottom of my heart ....god bless you alll.......i will keep you guys updated........once thanks so much

yesterday they had to debride a wound she expected me to be there.....but i told her no i need a day .....and at this point let me know when she wants me out of the house cause i rather live homeless than live like this forever .....she told me that she was better off dead than asking me for a favor .....so i finally told her ...dont you dare tell me that after all i ever done for you .....so i didnt go she told me i should have been there ...so i told her you know what ley me know when you want me out of the house cause i cant think this anymore .....she called me back and said everything fine

musician - you need to put yourself first and let the professionals look after your mum. As others have suggested, get help in finding a place for yourself - even a shelter for now as they will help you get independent. You need to build your own life, and be independent in all ways. Unfortunately dysfunctional narcissistic mothers train their children to be servants and have no concern for the child and their needs. That is what you are caught up in.

A very good friend had a husband in hospital with cancer. She visited him daily but stayed at home at night and took mornings for herself. She had coffee, read her newspaper and then went out for late breakfast with friends. She told me that she knew her hub wanted her there sooner but she needed that time for herself. They had a very good marriage. He died from the cancer, but she had no regrets and her life went on afterwards. It taught me a lesson. At various times my mother would have had me give up my life to look after her needs. It was an ongoing battle to look after myself. I would never have lived with her. Keep in touch and let us know how you are.

I agree with some of the other answers. You have been caring for your mother for 20 years, it's time for you to look after yourself. Your mother is in hospital and can be care for by the staff. If she doesn't like it, that's too bad. You need time for you. Elderly people can get very self centered when it comes to those who care for them. They think they can dictate to loving family what they want. Trouble is, people like you need a break and she doesn't realise it. If you weren't there to look after your mother, who would do it? She would be in hospital care anyway. All the best. Arlene Hutcheon

thank you so much........i will and have already little by little......i will continue to do so......cause i feel suicide is my only option out