How do I deal with siblings not providing support?

Yea...I didn't have a very good experience with aplaceformom.com.. i would not recommend them...I tried using them and the customer service level wasn't there, i mean if you think about it, I'm totally new to this whole senior care universe and aplaceformom people just left me hanging..so i told my local alzheimers association chapter and they were like thats not good so they referred me to yourseniorcare.com and I don't know how they are different but they were 1000% better than a place for mom, i mean they were on top of my situations from the beginning till the end and everything was just so smooth..maybe it was a fluke with a place for mom, but yourseniorcare.com is my recommendation

Another option for finding care is www.aplaceformom.com. However, what Tracy is talking about is common for many caregivers. I hope Tracy has contacted the adult human services people on the state level. There are federal dollars for respite care that go to waste as people often don't know about that.

Carol

THTS ALL GREAT FOR YOU, BUT SOME OF US JUST CANT AFORD THESE HELPERS, AND EVEN WITH INS CO-PAYS EVERY DAY, THEY ARE A KILLER.

I can relate to many of you as I am also a caregiver who has not had any assistance from my siblings. My situation is twice as difficult since I had to be the primary care giver for both my mom and dad who both suffered from Alzhiemer's disease. My mother was diagnosed with early onset dementia when she was only 54 years old and my father who is 10 years older wad diagnosed soon after my mother was. This was the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with in my life. Both of my brother live in other states and was not willing to relocate to help assists with caring for our parents so I was left with the burden. I had a full time job as a corporate attorney and I was also the caregiver for both parents. I was able to balance my career and caregiving for 2 years until my parents condition required full time care around the clock. I had to make a decision to either give up my career and be a full time caregiver or find another way to make things work for all of us. Fortunantely my co worker referred me to yourseniorcare.com which is a service to help caregivers who are in need of help and is seraching for a place to call home for mom and dad where professionals can take care of them. I contacted yourseniorcare.com and let them know about my situation. Within 1 week we found a perfect match for my father which was a part time caregiver to come by the house everyday for 3-4 hours. The senior care consultants from yourseniorcare.com helped me find a great Alzhiemer's care home for my mother who needed full time professional care. Now I am back to my ususal life focusing on my career and still get to see my parents everyday. Both they and I are much better off now due to the folks at yourseniorcare. com. I would highly suggest checking out thier services if you are in my situation. I have been very pleased with my decision.

Health-thank you for your insite your situation is very sad that they can not or will not see how things are for you- it is also very hard to be a caregiver for a spouse.

I have been talking with my siblings as to why they were not willing to help take care of Dad, at first it started as a argument, and then it all became to settle down. They had told me, "your unemployed at the time, and you took care of Mom while she was dying and you did a good job." But with Dad they said they had a "false sense that Dad was going to be ok and they knew he was in good hands." They were all in agreement, they didn't really think anything would happen to Dad, they knew he was sick, and thought he may just bounce back." I guess it is clear to me, being the oldest and with some medical background under my belt, it does make sense. I think they were all scared, and I was the strong one always stepped up for a challenge. My life was on hold, and me seeking a job was out of the question at the time, but again, I look back and thank God for the time I was able to spend with my Dad, the memories some fun and some sad, but we had quality time together. At least I know from my sibilings their reason for the way they acted. It kinda feels like they did trust me with his care.

I know exactly what you all are saying, it is all left up to me. When my Mom has been in the hospital, guess who always has to stay 24/7. You are so right, me. Everyone else has an excuse. Now she is in a nursing, rehab. place, after syrgery to her hip. They do actually go and see her, but it is like well we have made our little visit and it is time to go. Got things to do. I go spend time with my Mom, and I just put my life on hold, cause she is so important to me. It just makes me so mad, because they act like she is not that important

THIS IS SUCH A GREAT PLACE TO GET THINGS OUT

Mindingourelders

I apologize for over reacting. Everyone has a story, and they need to be heard. Kim

There are always more than one side to each story. I do think there are more siblings who just won't help, than those who are shut out. However, Health has a story that is not as uncommon as one would think. Most aren't as extreme as hers. Sometimes the person who starts caregiving just does it, and the others feel shut out, when if they asked they could do something. But I've heard her story before. That's why we need to withhold judgment of others, and that's why venting a bit about our own situations is really good. People can then see all sides.

Carol

Dear Health,

I knew exactly what my sibilings were doing, one would go up north every weekend, the other would go on short out of town trips to Chicago on shopping trips, the other one kicked back and watched movies and hung around his house. I on the other hand, have a husband who had a stroke almost one year ago and is a insulin dependent diabetic and he is disabled, I had just been laid off from my job before my Dad was ill, and I was the one who stepped up to the plate with my husbands blessing to stay with my Dad in his time of need. People are venting off steam in here, and they are very vulnerable at this time. My siblinigs have memories of Dad of when he was healthy, and I have the memories of all the pain he went through, don't get me wrong, I also have great memories but the ones where he was in pain will forever be burnt into me. Kim

WHEN A PARENT NEEDS OUR HELP AS FAMILY AND SIBLINGS WE ALL MUST BE THERE BECAUSE WE ALL HAVE THINGS HAPPENING IN OUR LIVES AND WOULD RATHER BE DOING SOMETHING OTHER THEN TAKING CARE OF A PARENT. IN SOME CASES WHEN WE ARE NOT WANTED YOU WOULD HAVE NOTHING TO FEEL BAD ABOUT. BUT THERE ARE MORE SIBLINGS NOT HELPING BECAUSE THEY SIMPLY DO NOT WANT TO.

OH My God I will never complain again. My prayers are with you all

In defense of siblings who appear not to care -

My Dad had been recently diagnosed with early dementia when my mother suffered a stroke in 2004. My (out of town) sister stayed in Mom and Dad’s home with Dad and took care of him while I stayed in the hospital with Mom 24/7 until she died ten days later. With blessings from my sister and me, our married brother took Dad in as a temporary solution immediately after the funeral. As the oldest sibling, I tried to remain involved in Dad's life and start the ball rolling to get us together to plan his future. To my surprise and dismay, what started as a temporary arrangement quickly became permanent without any discussion. My immediate family (husband, children) and I were uninformed and ignored when it was time to pick out mom's tombstone, and clean out and sell their home - the home I grew up in and the home my children had deep emotional attachments to.

I work from home and very much wanted and expected to be involved in Dad’s life, especially his health care since wellness is my work and my passion. I could not be at appointments I didn't know about; they refused to keep me informed. After a while I gave up the fight so as not to upset Dad. This is presented to Dad as lazy, selfish, and uncaring on my part. I love my dad dearly and would still love the opportunity to be involved in his life and care. I would love to care for him in our home, or even have a turn caring for him in our home. But now Dad is acclimated, comfortable, and happy where he is; I have no desire to confuse and upset him. I have no desire to be involved with my ex-family; today they are no more than a source of pain and tension for my husband, our children, and for me. Dad never was one to enjoy a phone conversation so now, contrary to my wishes, I have very limited contact with him.

Add to this the fact that, although my ex-family remains conveniently narcissistic and oblivious ten minutes down the road, my life has also gone on and changed drastically since Mom’s death. Two of our four adult children have emotional issues, partly as a result of the way we were all treated after Mom’s death. My husband’s MS has progressed to the point I am his full time (24/7) caregiver and advocate; he can’t get in or out of bed or use the toilet unassisted – if he makes it to the toilet. After 43 years with the company, at age 60, his job was just eliminated so now he is home full time and we have more decisions and adjustments to make. My arthritis hurts with every step to the point I can barely walk. It’s all I can do to take care of our home and my immediate family, but we would all welcome Dad into our home in a heartbeat, given the chance.

Yet they do not understand why I simply cannot go to their home and care for Dad according to their schedule, disregarding all else. My point is, please don’t be so quick to judge siblings who aren’t helping as you think they should. Perhaps you should take a look at what else is happening in their lives. Perhaps they need help too!

(continued) they refused to keep me informed. After a while I gave up the fight so as not to upset Dad. This is presented to Dad as lazy, selfish, and uncaring on my part. I love my dad dearly and would still love the opportunity to be involved in his life and care. I would love to care for him in our home, or even have a turn caring for him in our home. But now Dad is acclimated, comfortable, and happy where he is; I have no desire to confuse and upset him. I have no desire to be involved with my ex-family; today they are no more than a source of pain and tension for my husband, our children, and for me. Dad never was one to enjoy a phone conversation so now, contrary to my wishes, I have very limited contact with him.

Add to this the fact that, although my ex-family remains conveniently narcissistic and oblivious ten minutes down the road, my life has also gone on and changed drastically since Mom’s death. Two of our four adult children have emotional issues, partly as a result of the way we were all treated after Mom’s death. My husband’s MS has progressed to the point I am his full time (24/7) caregiver and advocate; he can’t get in or out of bed or use the toilet unassisted – if he makes it to the toilet. After 43 years with the company, at age 60, his job was just eliminated so now he is home full time and we have more decisions and adjustments to make. My arthritis hurts with every step to the point I can barely walk. It’s all I can do to take care of our home and my immediate family, but we would all welcome Dad into our home in a heartbeat, given the chance.

Yet they do not understand why I simply cannot go to their home and care for Dad according to their schedule, disregarding all else. My point is, please don’t be so quick to judge siblings who aren’t helping as you think they should. Perhaps you should take a look at what else is happening in their lives. Perhaps they need help too!

In defense of siblings who appear not to care -

My Dad had been recently diagnosed with early dementia when my mother suffered a stroke in 2004. My (out of town) sister stayed in Mom and Dad's home with Dad and took care of him while I stayed in the hospital with Mom 24/7 until she died ten days later. With blessings from my sister and me, our married brother took Dad in as a temporary solution immediately after the funeral. As the oldest sibling, I tried to remain involved in Dad's life and start the ball rolling to get us together to plan his future. To my surprise and dismay, what started as a temporary arrangement quickly became permanent without any discussion. My immediate family (husband, children) and I were uninformed and ignored when it was time to pick out mom's tombstone, and clean out and sell their home - the home I grew up in and the home my children had deep emotional attachments to.

I work from home and very much wanted and expected to be involved in Dad's life, especially his health care since wellness is my work and my passion. I could not be at appointments I didn't know about

EVEN THOW IM THE ONLY ONE THAT TAKES CARE OF MY MOM, BOTH MY OLDER SISTERS MOVED AWAY, ONE A LONG TIME AGO BUT THE OLDEST ABOUT 3 MONTH AGO, BECAUSE I CLOSED THE ENDLESS BANK SHE THOUGHT WAS HERS TO TAKE ANYTIME SHE NEEDED ANYTHING.. WHEN IT DOES COME TIME WHEN MY MOM HAS TO LEAVE HER HOME OR GOES TO HEAVEN, I WOULD LET BOTH MY SISTERS IN TO TAKE ANYTHING THEY WANT OF MY MOMS. THOW MY MOM HAS ALREADY GIVEN ME THE MOST IMPORTAIN THINGS SHE HAD FROM HER MOTHER SO THAT I CAN PASS THEM TO MY DAUGHTER IN TIME.. MY SISTERS WILL HAVE TO LIVE WITH ALL THEY DID NOT DO FOR THERE MOTHER, WHEN SHE NEEDEDE THEM THE MOST. AND THEY HAVE BEEN THE GREATEST TEACHERS FOR THERE KIDS. MY DAUGHTER KNOWS ITS HARD AND MAKES YOU CRY EVERYDAY WHEN YOU SEE WHATS HAPPENING TO YOUR MOM OR DAD. BUT SHE WILL BE THERE FOR ME AND SHE IS ALREADY TEACHING HER SON HOW REAL LOVE WORKS. I WILL HAVE NO REGRETS WHEN THIS CHAPTER IS OVER, I WILL SLEEP WELL. BUT THEY WILL NOT, MY PAYMENT IN THE END WILL BE TO SEE THEM CRY, AND BECAUSE BECAUSE IM MUCH YOUNGER THEN THEM, GOD WILLING I WILL SEE THEM NEEDING THERE KIDS BUT THERE TEACHING WAS TO LEAVE THEM ALONE. I HATE THE THOUGHT BUT HOW SWEET IT WILL BE.

I have learned in the past weeks just how much my Dad means to me now that he is gone. The sibilings are moving on, and now I am faced with what to do next, I had hoped I could move on right away, but that is far from the case. My brother is the executor of the will, and Dad was by no means well to do, he lived SSI check to check. My 2 brothers decided to have some place come to his apartment and bought out all of his belongings, knick knacks, furniture and so on.......... for a lousy 2000.00. My little sister and I were allowed to take on momento to remember him by, Dad still had things from when our Mom was alive 5 years ago, it is all gone. I pray everynight for strength to get through all of this, and wish at times I just had a bad nightmare. It is so amazing as a caregiver all you have done, and when your job is done now what to do? I have learned I have a special place in my heart for all of those who are plugging away, while others are trying to run the show. The bitterness will hopefully one day subside, cause we are all we have left (2 brothers

My husband Dick has a son and a daughter that live in the same town, a very small town. Not only do they not help, they have abused him financially. I am the stepmom and said no more money.We are not well off and they are trying to squeeze as much as they can. I am now the bad person after telling them to learn to live on their income. They do not even take him to get a cup of coffee and spend no time with him. They really are wishing he would hurry up and die but I have news for them. He is in very good health and I intend to keep him that way. He is better after trying several medications. He was my first boyfriend 58 years ago. We have been married 6 years now and I am keeping him around as long as possible

Carol,

You are correct about the resentment issue, it really started to nag at me and I found myself starting to snap at him sometimes for no reason at all. I am not holding on to it the way I did before. Some siblings are just a bit stronger in some situations than others, I can respect that. As you stated, I am pleased that I was here to assist my dad the same way he assisted me throughout my years growing up. He wasn't alone and that was most important! Sure wish I knew about this site back then.

Thanks

Im so sorry to hear all you guys stories. I have a sick dad in rehab and all my mom and sister do is hid their heads in the sand. Yes they go to visit but Im the one who deals with DRs and meds and making sure he goes home. Now I have surrendered to the fact I cant control anyone. I no longer hear from my sister and they keep secrets from me. Like my dad fell in the rehab and they never told me. How weird is that. These situations magnify who they are and Im not sure I like what I see. Good luck everyone and remember this too shall pass....

Hi

I just found this site, I have a similar problem. As I have been taking care of my mother in-law for over 2 years, she suffered a stroke in 04. Had been in a nursing home than back home with my father in-law, and was taken away from him (that's a whole nother story.) My husband has 3 siblings, one lives out of state, he does send money, and visits when he can. The oldest does help out a lot, but will cancel at the last minute, if she's not feeling up to it, well what about when I'm not feeling up to it? The other sister comes once a week, she claims, because she is a single mother, she doesn't have the time.
It becomes VERY FRUSTRATING, because if you say anything, they just get mad or become very defenses. It's a no win situation.

You've got a right to feel the resentment, but I hope you can eventually work through it. You know you did what your dad needed. Your brother couldn't make himself do it. That is sad, but happens often. You are the winner in this, even though it was horribly hard at the time.

In the end, though, the resentment will hurt you more than him, so if you can't eventually let it go, you may want to talk it through with a counselor. You don't want this to turn you into a bitter person, which will hurt you even more.

You will always carry the joy of having cared for your father when he needed you. Those are precious memories to hold on to. Congratulations for your courage and your hard work. Unlike your brother, you'll never regret how you handled his last months.

Carol

I took care of my father for 8 months until he succumbed to cancer. I did everything alone although I have an older brother. He rarely even came to this hospital before I took him home, because he didn't want to see him in that state. He didn't see half of what I saw, the bed sores, and the pain. I was closer to my dad and felt that I was the best person to care for him, but I needed assistance. My dad was bed ridden, with tube feeding, and tracheotomy. It was a situation that really exhausted me physically and mentally. In those times your siblings should be there, but he wasn't. I can say that I feel resentment, although I don't voice this to him. All I can do is feel at comfort that I did all I could to make my dad feel that he was not alone. I couldn't force my brother to be there, but I sure wish he was.

Hello All, I'm new here. I sympathize with all of you as I too am in the same circumstances. Although I have a few suggestions, it's basically a personal choice.

My suggestion is that if your loved one is a "dependent" individual meaning that he or she is unable to care for themselves, for example, a person with dementia or Alzeheimer's, you could contact your local Adult Protective Services. As far as I know, they are the only agency who has the legal authority to order the family to hire a respite worker or nurse. I suggest that you do your research because each APS office may have different requirements before they get involved.

Oh another suggestion might be that you ask your nearest Public Health Office for assistance. They may be the first step in getting other agencies involved.

As for me, since my brothers have gone out of their way to block any attempts for me to care for my mother without their "approval or more importantly their denial," it has made it 10 times harder to care for my ailing mother. I have had to contest his request for conversatorship, and now I have to pay an attorney for this lost attempt. Oh in addition to all of these problems, I am unemployed, have a number of chronic medical conditions. Now, I have mental health problems which my siblings have only contributed to worsen. Oh yes, the human services dept. may cut me off if they find that my condition is stable enough that I may be able to work. Since my siblings have conspired against me, I too am finding it difficult to care for my mother; Let alone try to care for myself.

Anyway...I hope my suggestions helps. We are in the same boat. Our morale support may be one of the things that may help us to keep "rowing our oars."

Happy Halloween All!, Leiko

do good deeds for that God sees the deeds and so his prophet and the faithful believers. Be a role model for those selfish, so they may regain insight,or do not forget that God delay those selfish but never neglects them.





Emman

do good deeds for that God sees the deeds and so his prophet and the faithful believers. Be a role model for those selfish, so the may regain insight,or do not forget that God delay those selfish but never neglects them.





Emman

THANK YOU KIM, IM SO GLAD TO HAVE FOUND THIS SIT, JUST TO KNOW THERE ARE OTHERS LIKE ME, THAT FEEL LIKE ME AND HAVE BEEN LEFT TO GO IT ALONE LIKE ME. EVEN MY MOMS BROTHER WONT HELP. I HATE TO SOUND SO MEEN OR TO WISH SOMETHING ON SOMEONE SO BAD AS WHAT MY MOM IS GOING THROUGH, BUT THATS THE ONLY WAY THESE SELFISH ONES WOULD EVER LEARN WHAT THEY HAVE DONE. I WISH THEM ALL (NO ONE TO HELP THEM IN THERE TIME OF NEED). IT WILL DEFFINETLY NOT BE ME HELPING. DEMENTIA RUNS IN MY MOMS FAMILY. IM TEACHING MY DAUGHTER HOW TO LOVE AND GIVE. THEY ARE TEACHING TO WALK AWAY AND NOT CARE. IT WILL COME BACK SOMEDAY TO BITE THEM...

TRACY

I think the caregiver does greive in a different way, it is more silent, the memories flow like a calm river, knowing the caregiver gave so much of themselves to be there, we saw the pain we shedded the tears, we felt abandoned by others who could have helped out, it is such a mixed bag of emotions and exhaustion. I really think the caregivers greiving process is more focused on the what do we do next, it almost feels like being fired from a job, our life becomes our own again, and we seek refuge within ourselves. It does divide many families, for that is what is happening to me now, almost as if they are jealous of me. I do feel lost at this time in my life, but I know one day, I will be ok. I see a hawk or two in the sky and imagine it is either Mom or Dad flying above and watching over me, it gives a sense of peace. Now I have memories to share with my children and my grandchildren, and that is such a special gift. Tracy hang in there, the road is difficult and may not be easy, but knowing you did what you could do without help from others, can be rewarding, for you will be filled with memories. Kim

I HEAR ALOT SAY THE ONE THAT CARE FOR REALLY DOES NOT GRIEVE AS MUCH AS THE SIBLINGS THAT DONT HELP. DO YOU THINK THAT WE GRIEVE WHILE THEY ARE WITH US, WE CRY WITH THEM, I CEY WITH MY MOM BECAUSE SHE DOES NO THAT SOMETHING IS HAPPENING TO HER, SHE DOES NOT REAMEMBER OLD FRIENDS THAT SHE KNOWS SHE SHOULD, WE CRY ABOUT THAT STUFF. MY SISLINGS WILL NEVER GET A CHANCE TO DO THAT WITH HER. I FEEL SORRY FOR ME, BUT I FEEL VERY SORRY FOR THEM BECAUSE I WONT HUG THEM AND SAY WE DID ALL WE COULD AND WE LOVE HER SO MUCH, I MAY SAY, OH TIERS NOW...FUNNY....YOU MISSED IT ALL

TRACY