How do I deal with siblings not providing support?

Hello,
I too am going through the same thing with my sibilings, I have asked for help, and been paying out of pocket for expenses for my Dad. I have 3 adult sibilings, who live less than a mile from our Dad, I live 30 miles away and have been residing with my Dad since he was released from the hospital August 22 of 2008. My sibilings don't even stop by to assist me with a thing, I have even asked for a couple nights off to spend sometime at home with my husband, but all I hear is we have plans, it has caused so much tension with my sibilings that if I do see them it becomes a shouting match. I wish I has some answers for you, but like me, I am at a lost for a solution. Hopefully someone on this website will give some insight to this. Good luck to you.

I stopped working to care for my mother. One likes to think that siblings are going to be willing to help. Some do. I wasn't that lucky. I guess they belived there was a money tree in the back yard. I am lucky if they call. I have hinted at first then yelled nothing. The stress of dealing with them made me sick. Did anyone care nope. They continued on with there lives. Now if I got sick who would care for my mom? So I let it go. What I have learned is that you can not make someone do what they are not willing to do. Apply for grants to help pay for things. I don't mention it anymore. Me and my mother are happy. And in the long run all I care about is that my mother is happy and safe. Take care of yourself and your mother.
For breaks apply for respite grants. That way you can have time for yourself. Just don't fight over it.

Thank you for your words of wisdom, since I found this site and posted, my Dad has passed away, now I am faced with those who didn't help are crying the loudest, and making the mourning process so difficult. I was told to leave the apartment where my Dad had resided the locks were changed that day by my youngest brother, and today they let me go in and pick up my belongings. I am know back home with my loving husband, but the pain is so deep, I have screamed and yelled and picked arguments with the other sibilings, I feel like I have been used and spit out. I do thank God for the time my Dad and I had together, but it just hurts so much, I have never in my life felt so alone. It am at a loss for words that family can be so hateful and hurtfull, and so ungreatfull. Since I lost my Mom back in 2003 and again I was her caregiver, and the same thing happened, but at least my Dad was there for moral support, but now that my Dad is gone, I just have me and my husband, and I am thankful for that. Thanks.

Kearly, I wish I could tell you the experience you've had is not the norm. Sadly, it's all too common. Topaz it right- let it go. You can only control what you can control. As much as you'd like to change the way another acts or feels, you simply can't do it. If others don't wish to help, you can't force them. The stress it creates literally can make you sick. It saddens me to hear how your younger brother treated you and I understand how you feel used up and tossed out. The best you can do for you and your husband is to simply forgive your siblings. Any anger you feel will not affect them in the slightest. They don't care. So why let the anger burn inside of you? To what end?

Hold on to the good memories you have of your dad and mom. Let your heart rest knowing the good you have done. It sounds like you have a good relationship with your husband. Nurture it. Bask in it. Let that love heal your wounds and carry you into tomorrow. Your parents were blessed to have someone like you be there for them. Service like that helps you get fitted for angel wings. Can't say that about your siblings, though, can we?

Amen.

IM IN THE SAME PLACE YOU ARE, TAKING CARE OF MY MOM ALONE WITH2 OLDER SISTERS THAT BOTH MOVED AWAY BECAUSE THEY WANTED NO PART OF IT ALL. TODAY WHEN I WAS AT MY MOMS APARTMENT I SAW A CARD FROM MY OLDEST SISTER TO MY MOM. A BIG FLOWER ON THE FRONT AND IT READ "THINK ABOUT YOU EVERYDAY" HOW SWEET IS THAT. ALMOST MADE ME SICK. SO I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL AND HOW MAD IT CAN MAKE YOU

TRACY

You have a lot of company. You can try to divide up the care, letting everyone know their part. But if they don't come through, there isn't a lot you can do. One thing I've seen repeatedly, is that the adult children who don't help out have more "grief," when the elders die. I believe it's then that they wish they'd been around. The one doing the hands-on caregiving knows that they did what they could. So there is peace.
Carol

Thank you. You are so right, I did the caregiving for both of our parents, and I have memories that will never be taken away from me. You really don't realize that until they both pass away, and those who grieve the most are the ones who didn't have any time to help out. We have become a busy society and most think of only themselves and they forget where they came from, and who raised them, they don't realize this is a passage for the adult children. Keep in mind that you will walk away with a sense of peace knowing you did all you could to make them comfortable, and give them the unconditional love they gave us when we came into their lives. I wish to remain a member since I lost my father 2 weeks ago, cause I am still healing, and many have brought a sense of family on this website and for that I am very thankful. Kim

And we are thankful to you, Kim. Our condolences. There's an emptiness when reality hits and we realize that they are really gone, but there's a relief for most of us, as the suffering and hardship are over. Your healing will take time, but you can be peaceful knowing you did what you could. Please stay with us as long as you want. We can always use your insight.

Blessings,
Carol

I HEAR ALOT SAY THE ONE THAT CARE FOR REALLY DOES NOT GRIEVE AS MUCH AS THE SIBLINGS THAT DONT HELP. DO YOU THINK THAT WE GRIEVE WHILE THEY ARE WITH US, WE CRY WITH THEM, I CEY WITH MY MOM BECAUSE SHE DOES NO THAT SOMETHING IS HAPPENING TO HER, SHE DOES NOT REAMEMBER OLD FRIENDS THAT SHE KNOWS SHE SHOULD, WE CRY ABOUT THAT STUFF. MY SISLINGS WILL NEVER GET A CHANCE TO DO THAT WITH HER. I FEEL SORRY FOR ME, BUT I FEEL VERY SORRY FOR THEM BECAUSE I WONT HUG THEM AND SAY WE DID ALL WE COULD AND WE LOVE HER SO MUCH, I MAY SAY, OH TIERS NOW...FUNNY....YOU MISSED IT ALL

TRACY

I think the caregiver does greive in a different way, it is more silent, the memories flow like a calm river, knowing the caregiver gave so much of themselves to be there, we saw the pain we shedded the tears, we felt abandoned by others who could have helped out, it is such a mixed bag of emotions and exhaustion. I really think the caregivers greiving process is more focused on the what do we do next, it almost feels like being fired from a job, our life becomes our own again, and we seek refuge within ourselves. It does divide many families, for that is what is happening to me now, almost as if they are jealous of me. I do feel lost at this time in my life, but I know one day, I will be ok. I see a hawk or two in the sky and imagine it is either Mom or Dad flying above and watching over me, it gives a sense of peace. Now I have memories to share with my children and my grandchildren, and that is such a special gift. Tracy hang in there, the road is difficult and may not be easy, but knowing you did what you could do without help from others, can be rewarding, for you will be filled with memories. Kim

THANK YOU KIM, IM SO GLAD TO HAVE FOUND THIS SIT, JUST TO KNOW THERE ARE OTHERS LIKE ME, THAT FEEL LIKE ME AND HAVE BEEN LEFT TO GO IT ALONE LIKE ME. EVEN MY MOMS BROTHER WONT HELP. I HATE TO SOUND SO MEEN OR TO WISH SOMETHING ON SOMEONE SO BAD AS WHAT MY MOM IS GOING THROUGH, BUT THATS THE ONLY WAY THESE SELFISH ONES WOULD EVER LEARN WHAT THEY HAVE DONE. I WISH THEM ALL (NO ONE TO HELP THEM IN THERE TIME OF NEED). IT WILL DEFFINETLY NOT BE ME HELPING. DEMENTIA RUNS IN MY MOMS FAMILY. IM TEACHING MY DAUGHTER HOW TO LOVE AND GIVE. THEY ARE TEACHING TO WALK AWAY AND NOT CARE. IT WILL COME BACK SOMEDAY TO BITE THEM...

TRACY

do good deeds for that God sees the deeds and so his prophet and the faithful believers. Be a role model for those selfish, so the may regain insight,or do not forget that God delay those selfish but never neglects them.





Emman

do good deeds for that God sees the deeds and so his prophet and the faithful believers. Be a role model for those selfish, so they may regain insight,or do not forget that God delay those selfish but never neglects them.





Emman

Hello All, I'm new here. I sympathize with all of you as I too am in the same circumstances. Although I have a few suggestions, it's basically a personal choice.

My suggestion is that if your loved one is a "dependent" individual meaning that he or she is unable to care for themselves, for example, a person with dementia or Alzeheimer's, you could contact your local Adult Protective Services. As far as I know, they are the only agency who has the legal authority to order the family to hire a respite worker or nurse. I suggest that you do your research because each APS office may have different requirements before they get involved.

Oh another suggestion might be that you ask your nearest Public Health Office for assistance. They may be the first step in getting other agencies involved.

As for me, since my brothers have gone out of their way to block any attempts for me to care for my mother without their "approval or more importantly their denial," it has made it 10 times harder to care for my ailing mother. I have had to contest his request for conversatorship, and now I have to pay an attorney for this lost attempt. Oh in addition to all of these problems, I am unemployed, have a number of chronic medical conditions. Now, I have mental health problems which my siblings have only contributed to worsen. Oh yes, the human services dept. may cut me off if they find that my condition is stable enough that I may be able to work. Since my siblings have conspired against me, I too am finding it difficult to care for my mother; Let alone try to care for myself.

Anyway...I hope my suggestions helps. We are in the same boat. Our morale support may be one of the things that may help us to keep "rowing our oars."

Happy Halloween All!, Leiko

I took care of my father for 8 months until he succumbed to cancer. I did everything alone although I have an older brother. He rarely even came to this hospital before I took him home, because he didn't want to see him in that state. He didn't see half of what I saw, the bed sores, and the pain. I was closer to my dad and felt that I was the best person to care for him, but I needed assistance. My dad was bed ridden, with tube feeding, and tracheotomy. It was a situation that really exhausted me physically and mentally. In those times your siblings should be there, but he wasn't. I can say that I feel resentment, although I don't voice this to him. All I can do is feel at comfort that I did all I could to make my dad feel that he was not alone. I couldn't force my brother to be there, but I sure wish he was.

You've got a right to feel the resentment, but I hope you can eventually work through it. You know you did what your dad needed. Your brother couldn't make himself do it. That is sad, but happens often. You are the winner in this, even though it was horribly hard at the time.

In the end, though, the resentment will hurt you more than him, so if you can't eventually let it go, you may want to talk it through with a counselor. You don't want this to turn you into a bitter person, which will hurt you even more.

You will always carry the joy of having cared for your father when he needed you. Those are precious memories to hold on to. Congratulations for your courage and your hard work. Unlike your brother, you'll never regret how you handled his last months.

Carol

Hi

I just found this site, I have a similar problem. As I have been taking care of my mother in-law for over 2 years, she suffered a stroke in 04. Had been in a nursing home than back home with my father in-law, and was taken away from him (that's a whole nother story.) My husband has 3 siblings, one lives out of state, he does send money, and visits when he can. The oldest does help out a lot, but will cancel at the last minute, if she's not feeling up to it, well what about when I'm not feeling up to it? The other sister comes once a week, she claims, because she is a single mother, she doesn't have the time.
It becomes VERY FRUSTRATING, because if you say anything, they just get mad or become very defenses. It's a no win situation.

Im so sorry to hear all you guys stories. I have a sick dad in rehab and all my mom and sister do is hid their heads in the sand. Yes they go to visit but Im the one who deals with DRs and meds and making sure he goes home. Now I have surrendered to the fact I cant control anyone. I no longer hear from my sister and they keep secrets from me. Like my dad fell in the rehab and they never told me. How weird is that. These situations magnify who they are and Im not sure I like what I see. Good luck everyone and remember this too shall pass....

Carol,

You are correct about the resentment issue, it really started to nag at me and I found myself starting to snap at him sometimes for no reason at all. I am not holding on to it the way I did before. Some siblings are just a bit stronger in some situations than others, I can respect that. As you stated, I am pleased that I was here to assist my dad the same way he assisted me throughout my years growing up. He wasn't alone and that was most important! Sure wish I knew about this site back then.

Thanks

My husband Dick has a son and a daughter that live in the same town, a very small town. Not only do they not help, they have abused him financially. I am the stepmom and said no more money.We are not well off and they are trying to squeeze as much as they can. I am now the bad person after telling them to learn to live on their income. They do not even take him to get a cup of coffee and spend no time with him. They really are wishing he would hurry up and die but I have news for them. He is in very good health and I intend to keep him that way. He is better after trying several medications. He was my first boyfriend 58 years ago. We have been married 6 years now and I am keeping him around as long as possible

I have learned in the past weeks just how much my Dad means to me now that he is gone. The sibilings are moving on, and now I am faced with what to do next, I had hoped I could move on right away, but that is far from the case. My brother is the executor of the will, and Dad was by no means well to do, he lived SSI check to check. My 2 brothers decided to have some place come to his apartment and bought out all of his belongings, knick knacks, furniture and so on.......... for a lousy 2000.00. My little sister and I were allowed to take on momento to remember him by, Dad still had things from when our Mom was alive 5 years ago, it is all gone. I pray everynight for strength to get through all of this, and wish at times I just had a bad nightmare. It is so amazing as a caregiver all you have done, and when your job is done now what to do? I have learned I have a special place in my heart for all of those who are plugging away, while others are trying to run the show. The bitterness will hopefully one day subside, cause we are all we have left (2 brothers

EVEN THOW IM THE ONLY ONE THAT TAKES CARE OF MY MOM, BOTH MY OLDER SISTERS MOVED AWAY, ONE A LONG TIME AGO BUT THE OLDEST ABOUT 3 MONTH AGO, BECAUSE I CLOSED THE ENDLESS BANK SHE THOUGHT WAS HERS TO TAKE ANYTIME SHE NEEDED ANYTHING.. WHEN IT DOES COME TIME WHEN MY MOM HAS TO LEAVE HER HOME OR GOES TO HEAVEN, I WOULD LET BOTH MY SISTERS IN TO TAKE ANYTHING THEY WANT OF MY MOMS. THOW MY MOM HAS ALREADY GIVEN ME THE MOST IMPORTAIN THINGS SHE HAD FROM HER MOTHER SO THAT I CAN PASS THEM TO MY DAUGHTER IN TIME.. MY SISTERS WILL HAVE TO LIVE WITH ALL THEY DID NOT DO FOR THERE MOTHER, WHEN SHE NEEDEDE THEM THE MOST. AND THEY HAVE BEEN THE GREATEST TEACHERS FOR THERE KIDS. MY DAUGHTER KNOWS ITS HARD AND MAKES YOU CRY EVERYDAY WHEN YOU SEE WHATS HAPPENING TO YOUR MOM OR DAD. BUT SHE WILL BE THERE FOR ME AND SHE IS ALREADY TEACHING HER SON HOW REAL LOVE WORKS. I WILL HAVE NO REGRETS WHEN THIS CHAPTER IS OVER, I WILL SLEEP WELL. BUT THEY WILL NOT, MY PAYMENT IN THE END WILL BE TO SEE THEM CRY, AND BECAUSE BECAUSE IM MUCH YOUNGER THEN THEM, GOD WILLING I WILL SEE THEM NEEDING THERE KIDS BUT THERE TEACHING WAS TO LEAVE THEM ALONE. I HATE THE THOUGHT BUT HOW SWEET IT WILL BE.

In defense of siblings who appear not to care -

My Dad had been recently diagnosed with early dementia when my mother suffered a stroke in 2004. My (out of town) sister stayed in Mom and Dad's home with Dad and took care of him while I stayed in the hospital with Mom 24/7 until she died ten days later. With blessings from my sister and me, our married brother took Dad in as a temporary solution immediately after the funeral. As the oldest sibling, I tried to remain involved in Dad's life and start the ball rolling to get us together to plan his future. To my surprise and dismay, what started as a temporary arrangement quickly became permanent without any discussion. My immediate family (husband, children) and I were uninformed and ignored when it was time to pick out mom's tombstone, and clean out and sell their home - the home I grew up in and the home my children had deep emotional attachments to.

I work from home and very much wanted and expected to be involved in Dad's life, especially his health care since wellness is my work and my passion. I could not be at appointments I didn't know about

(continued) they refused to keep me informed. After a while I gave up the fight so as not to upset Dad. This is presented to Dad as lazy, selfish, and uncaring on my part. I love my dad dearly and would still love the opportunity to be involved in his life and care. I would love to care for him in our home, or even have a turn caring for him in our home. But now Dad is acclimated, comfortable, and happy where he is; I have no desire to confuse and upset him. I have no desire to be involved with my ex-family; today they are no more than a source of pain and tension for my husband, our children, and for me. Dad never was one to enjoy a phone conversation so now, contrary to my wishes, I have very limited contact with him.

Add to this the fact that, although my ex-family remains conveniently narcissistic and oblivious ten minutes down the road, my life has also gone on and changed drastically since Mom’s death. Two of our four adult children have emotional issues, partly as a result of the way we were all treated after Mom’s death. My husband’s MS has progressed to the point I am his full time (24/7) caregiver and advocate; he can’t get in or out of bed or use the toilet unassisted – if he makes it to the toilet. After 43 years with the company, at age 60, his job was just eliminated so now he is home full time and we have more decisions and adjustments to make. My arthritis hurts with every step to the point I can barely walk. It’s all I can do to take care of our home and my immediate family, but we would all welcome Dad into our home in a heartbeat, given the chance.

Yet they do not understand why I simply cannot go to their home and care for Dad according to their schedule, disregarding all else. My point is, please don’t be so quick to judge siblings who aren’t helping as you think they should. Perhaps you should take a look at what else is happening in their lives. Perhaps they need help too!

In defense of siblings who appear not to care -

My Dad had been recently diagnosed with early dementia when my mother suffered a stroke in 2004. My (out of town) sister stayed in Mom and Dad’s home with Dad and took care of him while I stayed in the hospital with Mom 24/7 until she died ten days later. With blessings from my sister and me, our married brother took Dad in as a temporary solution immediately after the funeral. As the oldest sibling, I tried to remain involved in Dad's life and start the ball rolling to get us together to plan his future. To my surprise and dismay, what started as a temporary arrangement quickly became permanent without any discussion. My immediate family (husband, children) and I were uninformed and ignored when it was time to pick out mom's tombstone, and clean out and sell their home - the home I grew up in and the home my children had deep emotional attachments to.

I work from home and very much wanted and expected to be involved in Dad’s life, especially his health care since wellness is my work and my passion. I could not be at appointments I didn't know about; they refused to keep me informed. After a while I gave up the fight so as not to upset Dad. This is presented to Dad as lazy, selfish, and uncaring on my part. I love my dad dearly and would still love the opportunity to be involved in his life and care. I would love to care for him in our home, or even have a turn caring for him in our home. But now Dad is acclimated, comfortable, and happy where he is; I have no desire to confuse and upset him. I have no desire to be involved with my ex-family; today they are no more than a source of pain and tension for my husband, our children, and for me. Dad never was one to enjoy a phone conversation so now, contrary to my wishes, I have very limited contact with him.

Add to this the fact that, although my ex-family remains conveniently narcissistic and oblivious ten minutes down the road, my life has also gone on and changed drastically since Mom’s death. Two of our four adult children have emotional issues, partly as a result of the way we were all treated after Mom’s death. My husband’s MS has progressed to the point I am his full time (24/7) caregiver and advocate; he can’t get in or out of bed or use the toilet unassisted – if he makes it to the toilet. After 43 years with the company, at age 60, his job was just eliminated so now he is home full time and we have more decisions and adjustments to make. My arthritis hurts with every step to the point I can barely walk. It’s all I can do to take care of our home and my immediate family, but we would all welcome Dad into our home in a heartbeat, given the chance.

Yet they do not understand why I simply cannot go to their home and care for Dad according to their schedule, disregarding all else. My point is, please don’t be so quick to judge siblings who aren’t helping as you think they should. Perhaps you should take a look at what else is happening in their lives. Perhaps they need help too!

OH My God I will never complain again. My prayers are with you all

WHEN A PARENT NEEDS OUR HELP AS FAMILY AND SIBLINGS WE ALL MUST BE THERE BECAUSE WE ALL HAVE THINGS HAPPENING IN OUR LIVES AND WOULD RATHER BE DOING SOMETHING OTHER THEN TAKING CARE OF A PARENT. IN SOME CASES WHEN WE ARE NOT WANTED YOU WOULD HAVE NOTHING TO FEEL BAD ABOUT. BUT THERE ARE MORE SIBLINGS NOT HELPING BECAUSE THEY SIMPLY DO NOT WANT TO.

Dear Health,

I knew exactly what my sibilings were doing, one would go up north every weekend, the other would go on short out of town trips to Chicago on shopping trips, the other one kicked back and watched movies and hung around his house. I on the other hand, have a husband who had a stroke almost one year ago and is a insulin dependent diabetic and he is disabled, I had just been laid off from my job before my Dad was ill, and I was the one who stepped up to the plate with my husbands blessing to stay with my Dad in his time of need. People are venting off steam in here, and they are very vulnerable at this time. My siblinigs have memories of Dad of when he was healthy, and I have the memories of all the pain he went through, don't get me wrong, I also have great memories but the ones where he was in pain will forever be burnt into me. Kim

There are always more than one side to each story. I do think there are more siblings who just won't help, than those who are shut out. However, Health has a story that is not as uncommon as one would think. Most aren't as extreme as hers. Sometimes the person who starts caregiving just does it, and the others feel shut out, when if they asked they could do something. But I've heard her story before. That's why we need to withhold judgment of others, and that's why venting a bit about our own situations is really good. People can then see all sides.

Carol