How do I deal with siblings not providing support?

I to have a problem with none supportive siblings. My mom became ill after the death of my oldest brother. I live close to her so it is easier for me to do things. I was off work for nearly two months caring for her between hospital visits and making the transition from recovery center to the Board and Care where she currently lives. I didn't complain about the loss of money. I have two living brothers, one is 150 miles away which might as well be 15000 miles away and one 1500 miles away in Texas. There is aways an excuse, I live so far away or I have my own health issues. Boo Hoo. I am so so tired of excuses. I have helped mom out financially when she needed medication, personals items and such. Didn't complain I worked two jobs to help her. Now she is out of money and her S/S is about $2500 short of her Board and Care expenses. I took on extra work to cover half of Nov. and of Dec. but as of Jan. she will be kicked out of the Board and Care with no where to go. I do care that they don't make an attempt to help with money for her living expenses knowing the situation. Both my Brothers make more than I do with less expenses and not a nickel. They say they wish they could help me, but don't. I told them that the help wasn't for me, it was for their mom. I told them I would not beg for help for mom and if they expected me to they can live their lives with one less brother. They need to man up and grow some eggs.

Rachel, welcome, and I sure hope your local social service agency will be able to assist you and your Mom. The situation you describe would drive any caregiver to desperation. The sooner you contact them, the better, I would imagine. Also, some cities offer transporation for senior adults who are also disabled. If available in your city, it may be one way to leave your residence under someone else's watchful presence. Even though that may be small consolation, it may be better than you and your Mom going outside all alone in a dangerous neighborhood? I don't know, but am trying to think outside-of-the-box with you. Check out NC's Department of Health and Human Services web page as a starting point. URL is: http://www.dhhs.state.nc.us/ocs/, or call their care line: 919-855-4400. Be prepared for long call waits as often happens for government services, unfortunately. The care line number is reportedly staffed 24-hours.

Rachel, you need to get your mother (and probably yourself) on Medicaid, if you aren't already. Please call you county social services for a welfare check on you and your mom. They will get the wheels in motion.
Carol

hello, this is my first time here and would like to share my problem and would appreciate any helpful advise i can get...i am 69, have allergies bad...have a desease that makes my legs hurt 24-7..this i was born with, but has got worse with age..also, nuerophy in my feet and ankles, for i am now diabetic...my mom is 92 and legally blind, has arthiritis all over her body and in pain most of the time...still will not ask for help..i re-located to n.c. from the coast to care for her 10 years ago..she cared for her parents for a total of 47 years and she became the owner of the home and land when they were gone..kept in her brothers name...my younger sisters tricked her into signing mortage papers, (there had never been a mortage on this land) telling her it was for 1500.00 to keep irs from putting my sister in jail...needless to say, the home is gone and has been since 1995..we r living in a small town outside of charlotte, in low income housing..it is bad here..we have to keep our door locked cannot get any maintaince done and i cannot get hold of a human voice when i call the housing authority..i get no help finnacially or other wise from any one...i need a break badly for my nerves r shot..we r not making it and bills r getting behind, and now mom has alhimezers and is accusing my of all sorts of things..i do not know what to do..can some one please help me?...rachel

Dimsie, you are right that one size doesn't fit all. There are many families - and you read about them here - where taking the parent into the home is a bad idea from the beginning and doesn't work out at all. All care centers aren't bad.

You can help in many ways without having them live with you.

People who have jobs out side of the home (most of us) would be leaving the elder alone, if they don't hire help.

When it works, it's great. But if often doesn't make sense, or if people try it, they often regret it. So, moving parents into your home has to be carefully thought over. How much room is there? Can people have privacy? How about personalities?

A caregiver is still a caregiver, even if the person they are caring for is in a care center. I can't say strongly enough that the elder needs an advocate and to still be connected to family (barring abusive situations).

I had seven elders to contend with, and had all kinds of arrangements. But I saw each of them every day, whereever they were (not all seven were alive at the same time. This stretched over two decades).

Anyway, each situation is different. You put it well.
Carol

Trust me when the end does come, the time spent and all the feelings we bottle up (anger, frustration, alone, exhausted, burned out, walking in the fog, mentally abused), it was worth the time I spent with my parents before they passed. We did have some great times together, and some difficult times, but in the end, I have something that the rest of the sibilings won't have, and that was the time I spent with my parents when they passed away. Life is to short like you said valecom, shorter than we think. My Mom passed when she was 62 (I was 44), and my Dad was 69 (I am 49 now). Keep you head high for you are not alone, and take advantge of this site, it is very informative. Good Luck. Kim

Listen, folks .... truth be told ... no one as an adult really WANTS their parents living with them. That's not the point --- hell, if we based our decision on whether we WANTED dad with us, we'd have never brought him here. We're happily married for 21 years, with two great teenage sons. We value our privacy and free time. And donating our TIME to care for dad is actually harder than paying money to have some facility do it. We don't need the hassle of extra work for our elderly parents, or listening to their unsolicited (and sometimes angry) advice, and their embarrassing comments in public. We don't need all the extra errands, and work, and encroachment on our time. But HE needs us. So, the decision, instead, was based on what was best for my dad -- in lieu of all the different kinds of help he needs at his age, and whether we could trust strangers to do it as we would. It can be hard on us, and annoying, and seem like it's never-ending.

We DON'T get help from my only sibling, and we've given up expecting him to even have dad on his radar.

But make no mistake --- it's no "walk in the park" commiting to the indefinite care of an elderly parent. But if they don't HAVE to be warehoused somewhere with strangers taking care of them, than that's better. Some people don't want to do this and would never consider it. But life on earth is short. And I'm sure we'll look back on dad's last years and be glad we spent them with him and helped keep him company and ensure his happiness.

I'd just like to add to my post above, that my husband and I will always be willing to help my mother with time and money; we have no intention of abandoning her. Indeed my husband has always done more for my mother (and for my father, when he was alive) than for his own mother, simply because his mother had more family members living nearby who helped out.

I feel very strongly that there are various ways of helping an aging parent, not that the only way is to have them to live with you. I am not at all surprised to read on other threads in this forum and elsewhere that so many people bitterly regret taking on the care of an aging parent, having moved them into their home and now wishing they hadn't. Help takes many forms - I hope that those who've posted here get some help from the rest of their families and that no one comes to blows over it!

(Sorry for truncated post above. I don't think I've learnt yet how this board actually works.)

I'd just like to add to my post above

While I think it's unfair for other family members not to help out, with their time and if necessary financially, please remember that not everyone feels the same way about caring for a parent. My sister would like me to share the care of my mother, ie she would live one month with my sister, then come to me for a month, etc. but there is no way I can do this. I have various health issues and would feel enormous resentment if anyone said I had to have my mother to live with me, no matter whether I want it or not. My sister has her own health problems, but if she is prepared to take on the role of carer to my mother then that is HER decision.

No one knows how other people think or feel. Both my husband and I have always done all we could for my mother and we always will BUT we don't want her living with us. My sister doesn't really want my mother living with her either but is too afraid to say so, as she is the sort of person who shies away from any sort of confrontation. If my mother goes to live with her will my sister be complaining to her friends that she has had no help from me or my husband? I sincerely hope not, because it wouldn't be true.

As someone has already said, no one holds a gun to someone's head and tells them to take on a role they eventually begin to resent.

To everyone who listened to my anger and tears. I left everyone a note on my wall to wall thank you to everyone.
Bennie

In general, our parents to the best they can with what they have and what they know. I try to remember that and remind others of that, as well.

You seem to have adjusted to many things and your family is thriving, as well. Your attitutude is wonderful. Sometimes the way we look at things makes a huge difference.
Blessings,
Carol

Dear MINDINGOURELDERS--
Thanks for your note as well. Believe me, there are times when I think we made the worst decision in the world to put our lives on hold and care for dad. But mostly, I don't feel that way at all. My dad sacrificed greatly for our entire family, and lost his job several times during layoffs in the '70s and '80s. I remember it happening during my college years and the financial struggle he endured keeping me in school.
Now is our chance to take good care of him and let him enjoy his life without unnecessary stress, to do the things he never had time or inclination for -- like his artwork, and his socializing. He does blurt out "politically incorrect" comments in public, curses under his breath once in awhile at loud or misbehaved kids, and the like, but we've learned how to deal with it and where we can safely bring him :-)

It is really a test of our unselfishness and generosity to be charitable to our parents when we'd really rather be travelling, or remodeling our house, or sitting on a Caribbean beach. But the rewards are huge. My home-business is thriving, my kids are well-adjusted and doing well in school, and our health is fine. Cannot ask for more than that. Thank the Good Lord for dad, and our ability to spend this time with him.

What an uplifting note! Thanks for writing. When this kind of care is possible, it's wonderful for all.

Not everyone can care for an elder at home, but even when the parent is in a care center, they are part of the team, and the security of having an adult child in charge of their care is a great gift.

Take care and thanks so much for writing. Keep us posted.
Carol

I have been taking care of my widowed 81-year-old dad for the last four years, as we moved him to our home and built an apartment onto the house for him. I'm still raising my teenage sons (one is in college) and of course, caring for my home, husband and my home-based business. It's a lot to deal with --- and at times, I become hugely resentful of my only brother -- who visits dad about 3 times per year, and usually gripes about his own financial situation.

But you know what? If you do right by your elderly parents, there's indeed a God up above to sees it all. We have managed to have stability with our jobs and with our family life here at home. So don't listen to people who say "just put them in assisted living or a nursing home." If you can do right by your parents and care for them personally, do it. We signed dad up for several classes -- he loves his weekly art class -- as well as seniors groups. He's happy, secure and knows he doesn't have the stress to dealing with everyone alone anymore.

PUDINPIE1, I understand the topic and discussion thread in its entirety. For me only, I am responsible for myself and am a caregiver to my Mom. That is plenty on my life plate for me to ever consider adding resentment about what all else could be happening or should be happening to help me in my caregiving role or to balance my own life. Caregiving is not something I started doing with any expectation of reward. In fact, it is simply one tiny way for me to express appreciation for all I have been given by my parents throughout my life's journey. I was not trying to persuade anyone in terms of what I hold true as a caregiver. Every single caregiver, including me, handles things differently and it is as it should be because our circumstances, though very similar, vary from individual-to-individual. Minister Robert Schuller, Senior, put it best when he repeatedly said, "If it's going to be, it's up to me." I choose to only focus on what Mom and I are able to accomplish together. The rest is not mine to worry about. It's like child support. If it is not in a person'sheart to financially provide for his or her children without being remanded to do so by a court, I choose the path that is most peaceful for me to make my way. Court and lawyers are far from peaceful. I choose to direct positive energy to being a caregiver and to living my life. Mine is merely a single point of view and I fully respect your perspective on the same topic.

Children can be raised the same, but personalities are so different. I believe there is a certain personality that takes on the caregiving role - though sometimes there is an only adult child or it falls to the one who lives closest. Even then, there's almost always someone who is "it." There are rewards, though sometimes they are hard to see. Doing the right thing for one's parents, when possible, generally leaves good feelings once they are gone.
Carol

BENNIE, THANKS SO MUCH. IT'S JUST SO SAD THIS HAS TO EVEN BE A TOPIC OF CONVERSATION. CHILDREN RAISED ALL THE SAME BUT ACT SO DIFFERENTLY.. I GUESS ONLY GOD UNDERSTANDS. AS FOR ME I JUST PITY MY BROTHER AND HAVE LEFT HIM IN GODS HANDS.

Well! whoever knew that so many people would be found in the very same boat!
I am the youngest of 4 and have had sole care of my mother since 2004. My problem is how to respond when my mom is so full of respect for my 3 siblings. She gets one visit a year if she's lucky and yet they can do no wrong in her eyes.We never get time off, and I have to just keep my mouth shut when they send their travel postcards from their vacations.

Well! whoever knew that so many people would be found in the very same boat!
I am the youngest of 4 and have had sole care of my mother since 2004. She lived in my home with my newly married husband and 2 teenage boys

Hi, you have joined the ranks of finding out the people you know as family are stingy with there time unless they will benefit from it. This is a sad lot in life. Just know you are not alone in this.I was just told by my younger sister "I don't have permission to do something as simple as take our mother(I am 4th of 5 childern) to the doctor for anything . Mother lives with me because she does not want her around. I feel your pain and anger over small minded people.Believe me when I say in the end you will know you did everything to make your mother's time left here easy and cherish the time and laughs you have had with her. You will always be able to say "I did my best and mother was happy" You are in my thoughts. Bennie

SUNSHINECAREGIVER.

I TOO CHOSE TO TAKE CARE OF MY MOTHER AS I KNEW MY ONLY SIBLING AN OLDER BROTHER, WOULD NEVER DO IT NOR WOULD HIS WIFE. BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN THEY SHOULD BE ABSOLVED FROM HELPING OUT WHEN NEEDED.
I HAVE HAD MOM FOR THREE YEARS NOW LIVING WITH ME. I HAVE ASKED MY BROTHER FOR HELP THREE TIMES IN THREE YEARS AND NEVER ONCE DID HE HELP ME. HE WAS EITHER BUSY AT THAT TIME OR WAS GOING SOMEWHERE WITH HIS WIFE. THEY MAKE CURSORY ONCE A MONTH VISITS TO MOM AND STAY LESS THAN AN HOUR.
THERE IS NEVER A CONCERN FOR MY MOM FROM HIM ONLY UNTIL MONEY IS INVOLVED IN THE PICTURE. HE FIGURES ITS HALF HIS AND I SHOULDNT USE ANY OF IT AT ALL FOR HER LIVING EXPENSES HERE.
I LOVE MY MOTHER DEARLY AND WOULD LAY DOWN MY LIFE FOR HER, BUT HAVING NO HELP FROM ANYONE ELSE IS A VERY DIFFICULT THING. WERE IT NOT FOR GOOD FRIENDS AND NEIGHBORS I THINK I WOULD HAVE LOST IT ON MANY OCCASIONS. WE ALL NEED A BREAK ONCE IN AWHILE... HELL EVEN MY SICK MOM REALIZES THAT. HOWEVER IF YOU HAVE NO ONE THAT IS WILLING TO STEP IN FOR A COUPLE HOURS THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT.
I KNOW WE ARE ALL THE BETTER FOR WHAT WE ARE DOING FOR OUR PARENTS, BUT I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND THE MENTALLITY OF A SIBLING STANDING BY DOING NOTHING BUT WAITING FOR HER TO DIE TO GET HIS SHARE OF THE MONEY..

HI FOLKS,
THANK GOD I FOUND THIS WEB SITE!. MY PROBLEMS ARE ALL VERY SIMILAR TO ALL OF YOURS. I HAVE CARED FOR MY MOM 24/7 FOR THE LAST THREE YEARS. HER HEALTH IS DECLINING RAPIDLY. MY PROBLEM NOW IS MY ONLY SIBLING.. A BROTHER WHO IS THREE YEARS OLDER THAN ME AND LIVES 9 MILES FROM OUR FRONT DOOR HAS STATED TO ME HE BELIEVES I AM STEALING MONEY FROM MY MOTHER DUE TO THE FACT THAT SHE AND I SHARE COSTS IN THE HOUSE. I MAKE THE HOUSE PAYMENT, PAY THE TAXES AND INSURANCE, WE SPLIT THE GROCERIES AND PAY OUR OWN PERSONAL BILLS AND MOM PAYS THE UTILITIES.
WHEN SHE TOLD ME SHE WANTED TO MOVE IN WITH ME I HAD A SMALL DUPLEX WITH ALOT OF STAIRS, SO THE ONLY WAY WE COULD DO IT WAS TO SELL HER HOME AND GIVE HALF OF THE MONEY TO ME AND THE OTHER TO MY BROTHER. WE EACH GOT 54K OF WHICH MY PORTION ALONG WITH 30K OF MY OWN MONEY WAS USED TO PURCHASE A NEW HOME IN ORDER TO ACCOMADATE MOMS MOVING IN WITH ME AND ME CARING FOR HER. MY BROTHER ON THE OTHER HAND BOUGHT HIMSELF A NEW HARLEY AT THE TUNE OF 38K.. WHICH IS NONE OF MY BUSINESS.
HOWEVER, THIS IS A MAN THAT HAS NEVER OFFERED TO HELP ME IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM WITH MOM, NOR WHEN I HAVE ASKED HIM FOR HELP HAS HE HELPED ME. ITS ALWAYS IM BUSY OR WERE GOING SOMEWHERE.
I DO NOT CHARGE MY MOTHER A CENT FOR TAKING CARE OF HER. AS SHE SAID , SHE PAID UTILITIES IN HER OWN HOME AND THIS IS THE LEAST SHE CAN DO FOR ME TAKING CARE OF HER. SHE ALSO AT TIMES HAS GIVEN ME MONEY OR BOUGHT THINGS FOR ME OUT OF THE GOODNESS OF HER HEART AS A WAY OF SAYING THANKYOU TO ME FOR CARING FOR HER. MY BROTHER TELLS ME ITS HIS MONEY TOO AND THAT I AM STEALING FROM MY MA.. HE THINKS I SHOULD BE SUPPORTING ALL OF THIS MYSELF. HELP!,,,

evelyncobb

Welcome, you have started by reaching out and hopefully you will find this website to be very understanding, and many listen and offer some ideas. I too had a similar issue with my sibilings when caring for my folks, since then they have passed away, but when I found this site, it gave me a new insight that I was not alone. I was told by my mom years ago, "they who anger you control you". For some reason that seemed fitting for you. If you have had the chance read some of the entries, and you may just find and answer. Good luck too you, and again welcome. Kim

I have a slightly different take since I voluntarily chose to be the caregiver to my Mom. Back when I did, I never for one second asked myself whether my sibling wanted to share caregiving or not. I simply assumed that if my sibling wanted to step up to the plate, he would have said something; otherwise, as I see it, no one held a gun to my head and I am still happy about my long-ago choice to be a caregiver to my Mom. May sound odd, but I am just saying that it was a conscious choice on my part, so I did not give it a second thought in terms of anyone else helping out. Just another caregiver viewpoint....

My parents are in a nursing home. My younger sister lives about 10 minutes away. She comes to visit when she can. However she is in the process of moving and works full time. My older sister lives about 20 miles away and we have not seen her since sometime in September. My older sister does not drive and claims she does not have the money to come on the bus. What is causing my anger at my older sister is that my little sister and my aunt sent her a bus pass, so she can come visit our parents and she still has not come. I sent her a phone card for her cell phone and still she does not call. My two children got together and bought her some stamps, envolopes and some writing paper and still she does not write. I have even writen her to ask if she is ok and does she need anything else, no response. I am very angry with my sister, older one. Part of my anger is based on the fact my husband and I live on a very limited income, as he is partially disabled. But somehow we manage to go to see my parents at least every other day and do all there laundry.The time and energy I spend on and with mom and dad, especially mom, as she is in end stage kidney failure puts alot on stress on me and my relationship with my husband. Does anyone have any suggestions?

Thank-you Carol. If some one out there could help me find away to take power of att. away from my sister it would help. I live in Tn. I have found out that because Daddy was in WWII mother is due something called homebound. About $800.per month and all I get out of my sister is mother can't afford asst.living. She is holding all mother's medical records and will not give any information. I can only get 2 weeks meds at a time for mother. My sister controls my mother's bank acct.I would like to use some of this potential found income for adult center time. I believe mother needs to inter act with people her age-81- besides me all the time.
Thank-you again........Bennie

Good for you, Bennie. Your attitude will help you a lot.
Carol

I know how you feel. I removed mother from my sister's home due to screaming and threats of putting her in a nursing home. I helped my sister but was slapped in the face by her lumping me in with my older sister and 2 brothers. No one else would help. It's sad but life goes on. When it's all said and done, you can look at everyone and hold your head high because you did the right thing.
Bennie

That's really good news about www.yourseniorcare.com. I'll check them out and start getting the word out. I've had good reviews from aplaceformom, and everyone has different needs, so it's good to hear all angles.

I'm sorry you had a bad experience. I do like to have several sites besides the government search at www.eldercare.gov, to tell people about and I like to hear the good and not good about them all. It helps people make decisions. Thanks so much for the information.
Carol