How do I deal with siblings not providing support?

Mindingourelders

I apologize for over reacting. Everyone has a story, and they need to be heard. Kim

THIS IS SUCH A GREAT PLACE TO GET THINGS OUT

I know exactly what you all are saying, it is all left up to me. When my Mom has been in the hospital, guess who always has to stay 24/7. You are so right, me. Everyone else has an excuse. Now she is in a nursing, rehab. place, after syrgery to her hip. They do actually go and see her, but it is like well we have made our little visit and it is time to go. Got things to do. I go spend time with my Mom, and I just put my life on hold, cause she is so important to me. It just makes me so mad, because they act like she is not that important

I have been talking with my siblings as to why they were not willing to help take care of Dad, at first it started as a argument, and then it all became to settle down. They had told me, "your unemployed at the time, and you took care of Mom while she was dying and you did a good job." But with Dad they said they had a "false sense that Dad was going to be ok and they knew he was in good hands." They were all in agreement, they didn't really think anything would happen to Dad, they knew he was sick, and thought he may just bounce back." I guess it is clear to me, being the oldest and with some medical background under my belt, it does make sense. I think they were all scared, and I was the strong one always stepped up for a challenge. My life was on hold, and me seeking a job was out of the question at the time, but again, I look back and thank God for the time I was able to spend with my Dad, the memories some fun and some sad, but we had quality time together. At least I know from my sibilings their reason for the way they acted. It kinda feels like they did trust me with his care.

Health-thank you for your insite your situation is very sad that they can not or will not see how things are for you- it is also very hard to be a caregiver for a spouse.

I can relate to many of you as I am also a caregiver who has not had any assistance from my siblings. My situation is twice as difficult since I had to be the primary care giver for both my mom and dad who both suffered from Alzhiemer's disease. My mother was diagnosed with early onset dementia when she was only 54 years old and my father who is 10 years older wad diagnosed soon after my mother was. This was the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with in my life. Both of my brother live in other states and was not willing to relocate to help assists with caring for our parents so I was left with the burden. I had a full time job as a corporate attorney and I was also the caregiver for both parents. I was able to balance my career and caregiving for 2 years until my parents condition required full time care around the clock. I had to make a decision to either give up my career and be a full time caregiver or find another way to make things work for all of us. Fortunantely my co worker referred me to yourseniorcare.com which is a service to help caregivers who are in need of help and is seraching for a place to call home for mom and dad where professionals can take care of them. I contacted yourseniorcare.com and let them know about my situation. Within 1 week we found a perfect match for my father which was a part time caregiver to come by the house everyday for 3-4 hours. The senior care consultants from yourseniorcare.com helped me find a great Alzhiemer's care home for my mother who needed full time professional care. Now I am back to my ususal life focusing on my career and still get to see my parents everyday. Both they and I are much better off now due to the folks at yourseniorcare. com. I would highly suggest checking out thier services if you are in my situation. I have been very pleased with my decision.

THTS ALL GREAT FOR YOU, BUT SOME OF US JUST CANT AFORD THESE HELPERS, AND EVEN WITH INS CO-PAYS EVERY DAY, THEY ARE A KILLER.

Another option for finding care is www.aplaceformom.com. However, what Tracy is talking about is common for many caregivers. I hope Tracy has contacted the adult human services people on the state level. There are federal dollars for respite care that go to waste as people often don't know about that.

Carol

Yea...I didn't have a very good experience with aplaceformom.com.. i would not recommend them...I tried using them and the customer service level wasn't there, i mean if you think about it, I'm totally new to this whole senior care universe and aplaceformom people just left me hanging..so i told my local alzheimers association chapter and they were like thats not good so they referred me to yourseniorcare.com and I don't know how they are different but they were 1000% better than a place for mom, i mean they were on top of my situations from the beginning till the end and everything was just so smooth..maybe it was a fluke with a place for mom, but yourseniorcare.com is my recommendation

That's really good news about www.yourseniorcare.com. I'll check them out and start getting the word out. I've had good reviews from aplaceformom, and everyone has different needs, so it's good to hear all angles.

I'm sorry you had a bad experience. I do like to have several sites besides the government search at www.eldercare.gov, to tell people about and I like to hear the good and not good about them all. It helps people make decisions. Thanks so much for the information.
Carol

I know how you feel. I removed mother from my sister's home due to screaming and threats of putting her in a nursing home. I helped my sister but was slapped in the face by her lumping me in with my older sister and 2 brothers. No one else would help. It's sad but life goes on. When it's all said and done, you can look at everyone and hold your head high because you did the right thing.
Bennie

Good for you, Bennie. Your attitude will help you a lot.
Carol

Thank-you Carol. If some one out there could help me find away to take power of att. away from my sister it would help. I live in Tn. I have found out that because Daddy was in WWII mother is due something called homebound. About $800.per month and all I get out of my sister is mother can't afford asst.living. She is holding all mother's medical records and will not give any information. I can only get 2 weeks meds at a time for mother. My sister controls my mother's bank acct.I would like to use some of this potential found income for adult center time. I believe mother needs to inter act with people her age-81- besides me all the time.
Thank-you again........Bennie

My parents are in a nursing home. My younger sister lives about 10 minutes away. She comes to visit when she can. However she is in the process of moving and works full time. My older sister lives about 20 miles away and we have not seen her since sometime in September. My older sister does not drive and claims she does not have the money to come on the bus. What is causing my anger at my older sister is that my little sister and my aunt sent her a bus pass, so she can come visit our parents and she still has not come. I sent her a phone card for her cell phone and still she does not call. My two children got together and bought her some stamps, envolopes and some writing paper and still she does not write. I have even writen her to ask if she is ok and does she need anything else, no response. I am very angry with my sister, older one. Part of my anger is based on the fact my husband and I live on a very limited income, as he is partially disabled. But somehow we manage to go to see my parents at least every other day and do all there laundry.The time and energy I spend on and with mom and dad, especially mom, as she is in end stage kidney failure puts alot on stress on me and my relationship with my husband. Does anyone have any suggestions?

I have a slightly different take since I voluntarily chose to be the caregiver to my Mom. Back when I did, I never for one second asked myself whether my sibling wanted to share caregiving or not. I simply assumed that if my sibling wanted to step up to the plate, he would have said something; otherwise, as I see it, no one held a gun to my head and I am still happy about my long-ago choice to be a caregiver to my Mom. May sound odd, but I am just saying that it was a conscious choice on my part, so I did not give it a second thought in terms of anyone else helping out. Just another caregiver viewpoint....

evelyncobb

Welcome, you have started by reaching out and hopefully you will find this website to be very understanding, and many listen and offer some ideas. I too had a similar issue with my sibilings when caring for my folks, since then they have passed away, but when I found this site, it gave me a new insight that I was not alone. I was told by my mom years ago, "they who anger you control you". For some reason that seemed fitting for you. If you have had the chance read some of the entries, and you may just find and answer. Good luck too you, and again welcome. Kim

HI FOLKS,
THANK GOD I FOUND THIS WEB SITE!. MY PROBLEMS ARE ALL VERY SIMILAR TO ALL OF YOURS. I HAVE CARED FOR MY MOM 24/7 FOR THE LAST THREE YEARS. HER HEALTH IS DECLINING RAPIDLY. MY PROBLEM NOW IS MY ONLY SIBLING.. A BROTHER WHO IS THREE YEARS OLDER THAN ME AND LIVES 9 MILES FROM OUR FRONT DOOR HAS STATED TO ME HE BELIEVES I AM STEALING MONEY FROM MY MOTHER DUE TO THE FACT THAT SHE AND I SHARE COSTS IN THE HOUSE. I MAKE THE HOUSE PAYMENT, PAY THE TAXES AND INSURANCE, WE SPLIT THE GROCERIES AND PAY OUR OWN PERSONAL BILLS AND MOM PAYS THE UTILITIES.
WHEN SHE TOLD ME SHE WANTED TO MOVE IN WITH ME I HAD A SMALL DUPLEX WITH ALOT OF STAIRS, SO THE ONLY WAY WE COULD DO IT WAS TO SELL HER HOME AND GIVE HALF OF THE MONEY TO ME AND THE OTHER TO MY BROTHER. WE EACH GOT 54K OF WHICH MY PORTION ALONG WITH 30K OF MY OWN MONEY WAS USED TO PURCHASE A NEW HOME IN ORDER TO ACCOMADATE MOMS MOVING IN WITH ME AND ME CARING FOR HER. MY BROTHER ON THE OTHER HAND BOUGHT HIMSELF A NEW HARLEY AT THE TUNE OF 38K.. WHICH IS NONE OF MY BUSINESS.
HOWEVER, THIS IS A MAN THAT HAS NEVER OFFERED TO HELP ME IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM WITH MOM, NOR WHEN I HAVE ASKED HIM FOR HELP HAS HE HELPED ME. ITS ALWAYS IM BUSY OR WERE GOING SOMEWHERE.
I DO NOT CHARGE MY MOTHER A CENT FOR TAKING CARE OF HER. AS SHE SAID , SHE PAID UTILITIES IN HER OWN HOME AND THIS IS THE LEAST SHE CAN DO FOR ME TAKING CARE OF HER. SHE ALSO AT TIMES HAS GIVEN ME MONEY OR BOUGHT THINGS FOR ME OUT OF THE GOODNESS OF HER HEART AS A WAY OF SAYING THANKYOU TO ME FOR CARING FOR HER. MY BROTHER TELLS ME ITS HIS MONEY TOO AND THAT I AM STEALING FROM MY MA.. HE THINKS I SHOULD BE SUPPORTING ALL OF THIS MYSELF. HELP!,,,

SUNSHINECAREGIVER.

I TOO CHOSE TO TAKE CARE OF MY MOTHER AS I KNEW MY ONLY SIBLING AN OLDER BROTHER, WOULD NEVER DO IT NOR WOULD HIS WIFE. BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN THEY SHOULD BE ABSOLVED FROM HELPING OUT WHEN NEEDED.
I HAVE HAD MOM FOR THREE YEARS NOW LIVING WITH ME. I HAVE ASKED MY BROTHER FOR HELP THREE TIMES IN THREE YEARS AND NEVER ONCE DID HE HELP ME. HE WAS EITHER BUSY AT THAT TIME OR WAS GOING SOMEWHERE WITH HIS WIFE. THEY MAKE CURSORY ONCE A MONTH VISITS TO MOM AND STAY LESS THAN AN HOUR.
THERE IS NEVER A CONCERN FOR MY MOM FROM HIM ONLY UNTIL MONEY IS INVOLVED IN THE PICTURE. HE FIGURES ITS HALF HIS AND I SHOULDNT USE ANY OF IT AT ALL FOR HER LIVING EXPENSES HERE.
I LOVE MY MOTHER DEARLY AND WOULD LAY DOWN MY LIFE FOR HER, BUT HAVING NO HELP FROM ANYONE ELSE IS A VERY DIFFICULT THING. WERE IT NOT FOR GOOD FRIENDS AND NEIGHBORS I THINK I WOULD HAVE LOST IT ON MANY OCCASIONS. WE ALL NEED A BREAK ONCE IN AWHILE... HELL EVEN MY SICK MOM REALIZES THAT. HOWEVER IF YOU HAVE NO ONE THAT IS WILLING TO STEP IN FOR A COUPLE HOURS THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT.
I KNOW WE ARE ALL THE BETTER FOR WHAT WE ARE DOING FOR OUR PARENTS, BUT I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND THE MENTALLITY OF A SIBLING STANDING BY DOING NOTHING BUT WAITING FOR HER TO DIE TO GET HIS SHARE OF THE MONEY..

Hi, you have joined the ranks of finding out the people you know as family are stingy with there time unless they will benefit from it. This is a sad lot in life. Just know you are not alone in this.I was just told by my younger sister "I don't have permission to do something as simple as take our mother(I am 4th of 5 childern) to the doctor for anything . Mother lives with me because she does not want her around. I feel your pain and anger over small minded people.Believe me when I say in the end you will know you did everything to make your mother's time left here easy and cherish the time and laughs you have had with her. You will always be able to say "I did my best and mother was happy" You are in my thoughts. Bennie

Well! whoever knew that so many people would be found in the very same boat!
I am the youngest of 4 and have had sole care of my mother since 2004. She lived in my home with my newly married husband and 2 teenage boys

Well! whoever knew that so many people would be found in the very same boat!
I am the youngest of 4 and have had sole care of my mother since 2004. My problem is how to respond when my mom is so full of respect for my 3 siblings. She gets one visit a year if she's lucky and yet they can do no wrong in her eyes.We never get time off, and I have to just keep my mouth shut when they send their travel postcards from their vacations.

BENNIE, THANKS SO MUCH. IT'S JUST SO SAD THIS HAS TO EVEN BE A TOPIC OF CONVERSATION. CHILDREN RAISED ALL THE SAME BUT ACT SO DIFFERENTLY.. I GUESS ONLY GOD UNDERSTANDS. AS FOR ME I JUST PITY MY BROTHER AND HAVE LEFT HIM IN GODS HANDS.

Children can be raised the same, but personalities are so different. I believe there is a certain personality that takes on the caregiving role - though sometimes there is an only adult child or it falls to the one who lives closest. Even then, there's almost always someone who is "it." There are rewards, though sometimes they are hard to see. Doing the right thing for one's parents, when possible, generally leaves good feelings once they are gone.
Carol

PUDINPIE1, I understand the topic and discussion thread in its entirety. For me only, I am responsible for myself and am a caregiver to my Mom. That is plenty on my life plate for me to ever consider adding resentment about what all else could be happening or should be happening to help me in my caregiving role or to balance my own life. Caregiving is not something I started doing with any expectation of reward. In fact, it is simply one tiny way for me to express appreciation for all I have been given by my parents throughout my life's journey. I was not trying to persuade anyone in terms of what I hold true as a caregiver. Every single caregiver, including me, handles things differently and it is as it should be because our circumstances, though very similar, vary from individual-to-individual. Minister Robert Schuller, Senior, put it best when he repeatedly said, "If it's going to be, it's up to me." I choose to only focus on what Mom and I are able to accomplish together. The rest is not mine to worry about. It's like child support. If it is not in a person'sheart to financially provide for his or her children without being remanded to do so by a court, I choose the path that is most peaceful for me to make my way. Court and lawyers are far from peaceful. I choose to direct positive energy to being a caregiver and to living my life. Mine is merely a single point of view and I fully respect your perspective on the same topic.

I have been taking care of my widowed 81-year-old dad for the last four years, as we moved him to our home and built an apartment onto the house for him. I'm still raising my teenage sons (one is in college) and of course, caring for my home, husband and my home-based business. It's a lot to deal with --- and at times, I become hugely resentful of my only brother -- who visits dad about 3 times per year, and usually gripes about his own financial situation.

But you know what? If you do right by your elderly parents, there's indeed a God up above to sees it all. We have managed to have stability with our jobs and with our family life here at home. So don't listen to people who say "just put them in assisted living or a nursing home." If you can do right by your parents and care for them personally, do it. We signed dad up for several classes -- he loves his weekly art class -- as well as seniors groups. He's happy, secure and knows he doesn't have the stress to dealing with everyone alone anymore.

What an uplifting note! Thanks for writing. When this kind of care is possible, it's wonderful for all.

Not everyone can care for an elder at home, but even when the parent is in a care center, they are part of the team, and the security of having an adult child in charge of their care is a great gift.

Take care and thanks so much for writing. Keep us posted.
Carol

Dear MINDINGOURELDERS--
Thanks for your note as well. Believe me, there are times when I think we made the worst decision in the world to put our lives on hold and care for dad. But mostly, I don't feel that way at all. My dad sacrificed greatly for our entire family, and lost his job several times during layoffs in the '70s and '80s. I remember it happening during my college years and the financial struggle he endured keeping me in school.
Now is our chance to take good care of him and let him enjoy his life without unnecessary stress, to do the things he never had time or inclination for -- like his artwork, and his socializing. He does blurt out "politically incorrect" comments in public, curses under his breath once in awhile at loud or misbehaved kids, and the like, but we've learned how to deal with it and where we can safely bring him :-)

It is really a test of our unselfishness and generosity to be charitable to our parents when we'd really rather be travelling, or remodeling our house, or sitting on a Caribbean beach. But the rewards are huge. My home-business is thriving, my kids are well-adjusted and doing well in school, and our health is fine. Cannot ask for more than that. Thank the Good Lord for dad, and our ability to spend this time with him.

In general, our parents to the best they can with what they have and what they know. I try to remember that and remind others of that, as well.

You seem to have adjusted to many things and your family is thriving, as well. Your attitutude is wonderful. Sometimes the way we look at things makes a huge difference.
Blessings,
Carol

To everyone who listened to my anger and tears. I left everyone a note on my wall to wall thank you to everyone.
Bennie

While I think it's unfair for other family members not to help out, with their time and if necessary financially, please remember that not everyone feels the same way about caring for a parent. My sister would like me to share the care of my mother, ie she would live one month with my sister, then come to me for a month, etc. but there is no way I can do this. I have various health issues and would feel enormous resentment if anyone said I had to have my mother to live with me, no matter whether I want it or not. My sister has her own health problems, but if she is prepared to take on the role of carer to my mother then that is HER decision.

No one knows how other people think or feel. Both my husband and I have always done all we could for my mother and we always will BUT we don't want her living with us. My sister doesn't really want my mother living with her either but is too afraid to say so, as she is the sort of person who shies away from any sort of confrontation. If my mother goes to live with her will my sister be complaining to her friends that she has had no help from me or my husband? I sincerely hope not, because it wouldn't be true.

As someone has already said, no one holds a gun to someone's head and tells them to take on a role they eventually begin to resent.