How do you deal with relatives who are no help?

Sparky15,
Ugh! That's awful ...so sorry...hang in there...take one thing that is sentimental to you and hide it...that way you will have something to remember your parents by when they are gone.

go get a POA, or become her guardian, at all costs avoid a guardian at litem,
unless it is absolutely necessary, the guardian ad Litem should be the last resort.

The GALs do not act in your best interests, even though you may see things right,
they do not have to agree with you and can turn ugly in a hurry leaving you with no recourse.

It is so sad how some people become and turn greedy....bless you for taking care of your grandmother

Who has POA for your grandmother? It sounds like you need to all sit down and discuss with your grandmother who gets what. You do not mention her medical condition. Does she have dementia? In the meantime before the meeting, take all the jewelry and put it with an attorney. You may have to hire an attorney to keep all the accusations, and stealing at bay. Families are at their worse when hovering around someone they think may die soon. Get all the documents and assets in one place and if need be, get your grandmother a guardian ad litem to act in her best interests. Thanks for writing and I hope your family can resolve their issues before anything untoward would happen.

Yes when my 86 year old was still living in her own home,
the vultures had keys but they were her children
and they should have keys...I said what for??
They were always snooping for her money because
she always wanted some cash money in the house,
in case of emergency.

We offered to put it in a bank account with an ATM card,
but she would not hear any of it, to my knowledge,
there were never any bank deposits made.

Protect yourself and her stuff because YOU are the only one who can...GOOD LUCK!

I sooooo feel your pain. As a concerned family physician once told me "If you ain't in the trenches, you don't get a vote" I also deal with out of towners who think they can come in and "take over" meaning complain and complain and COMPLAIN saying how much better it would be in THEIR state. God Bless you. Those of us who are caretakers know how much we love them!

I'm dealing with something similar right now. Unfortunately, because he is 6'4" and 250+ lbs., my dad presented some physical challenges that I just couldn't manage, so he was placed in a care facility nearly 3 months ago. My brother, who lives an hour away, has been to see him once in those 3 months for about an hour, then he came to the house afterward and let it be known that he didn't think it was necessary for dad to be in "that place". He had several questions about the way dad was cared for and by his tone it was very apparent that he thought I was just too lazy or didn't want to deal with him. I've been caring for both mom & dad for 3 years without any help at all from my brother...he was here twice last year. As for my sister, she's even less help & in fact, first thing she does whenever she's around is con my mom for money or pain pills. She comes "shopping" at the house & takes things she wants to sell on ebay whether they're hers or not...usually not. Several months ago my mom informed me that good ole sis talked her into pawning mom's diamond rings (including one I bought for her and my grandma's rings) to finance my sister's trip to TN. Mom agreed on the condition that she get the rings back...well...you know what happened. She got her $1000 to go shopping in Gatlinburg, but she just couldn't manage to pay to get the rings back, so $10K worth of diamond rings with priceless sentimental value were sold by the pawn shop. When I told my sister that if she can't help around here, the least she could do is not cause problems or not come around, she called the police and told them I was abusing my mom & that I was taking all of her money! All you (and I) can do at this point is help our person as much as we can. Make sure they're comfortable and try to protect them as much as we can from the human jackylls!

What could I say is that everyone wants something for nothing..... I took care of my mom for 10 years of my life juggling marriage, 4 kids, and a very sick 24hr care parent. All I could do was go to the dang store.. nothing else. My siblings bragged about careers, vacations, elaborate honeymoons, ect... Nobody helped with nothing, there were times we had no gas or food or anything, it all relied on my hubby's job. Now that shes gone even relatives from far away flocked to see what they could get.... Such a shame.... Even my mother-in-law wanted me to sell stuff..... these items are more sentimental than value. Watch your back deary because they won't stop.... "the greedy just get greedier".

Wow - those types of family members - who needs them. My best advice is to have everything set legally because these types of family members can cause big problems when a loved one does finally pass away and they feel entitled to her "stuff" even though they have not helped. Disgusting, selfish behavior on their part.

PS Once you take charge and dont give them what they want the visits will dwindle down to 3-4 times a year. And btw, all of the caregiver money I received for 3 years of 24/7 care went right back to my moms care for the next 3+ years, but hey, she is still here and I support her fully.(yes I am about to start year 7) Its ok, love her more than anything and have a great husband for support. I feel good that they money went fully to her care and not the siblings who did nothing, no matter how many times in the beginning I begged for help.

Oh an all too familiar story of the relatives looking for a hand out! First of all, who is her DPOA? The DPOA can put a stop to all of this. Put everthing away, hidden! Dont answer their questions other than "you dont know, etc." How dare they take pictures. I wouldnt let them in until you see a lawyer. Anything and everything you say will be twisted and used against you. (believe me!) Who is paying the "Aide?" If you are her fulltime caregiver and she cannot be alone you are entitled pay if she or the POA makes out a caregiver contract. IF the wont pay you tell them to hire a fulltime Aide. A fulltime 24/7 caregiver should be getting a minimun of $100 a day. Do not think you are taking your grandmothers money, you aren't, you are taking the siblings inheritance . Think about it, if you do all the care for free and grandma dies, the money pot will be divided among who inherits it. IS that fair that you do all the work and they go on living their lives? Oh there is so much you can do, the DPOA has to see a lawyer asap! Beware, money is the root of all evil. Can you tell it makes me mad just reading your post? Been there, but I now am the one who tells them when they can come and they go into her bedroom only (with cameras) because they have said things to my Mom to set her off and we both suffered later. Good Luck, dont let them walk over you please.

I have a one liner that I have been using..."It's not an inheritance until someone dies!" At that point I just walk off. Interesting how people react when they don't get the response they were looking for. Sometimes it shuts it down other times they just keep pushing. Good luck and just know that you are not alone with this problem.

Get a large boa constrictor and tell them they can only visit with the snake wrapped tightly around them. (pardon my humor). You have all my sympathies and I wish I could loan you a shotgun. Keep that room messy and add a pet skunk to it, preferably one with a bad attitude. I get so upset when I read about greedy relatives. When my father was 80+ I had him sign a Will leaving every last nickel to his 3rd wife. My two sisters were madder than wet hens. LOL

Wow I thought my nephews were bad, your relatives take the cake for being a horrible family!

Yes, take legal action to bar them from coming around, they are creating a very negative environment by their accusations of physical abuse, their greed over wanting your Grandma's items, etc. This is not good for you, the aide and definitely not for your grandma; this is going to create so much agitation for your grandmother which is not good for older people who after a fall make suffer confusion anyhow, from all the crap your relatives are creating it could upset your grandma so much she could fall again and it may be even worse than that first fall. If they are not there to help your grandma and are only there looking for items to take and making false claims of abuse there is no reason for them to be there. Talk to your grandma's dr to see what he or she says about your relatives and the impact it can have on your grandma's well being, if your grandma's dr treats a lot of elderly patients he or she may have some good ideas on what you can do; you can also call the any senior citizen organizations in your community and look up elder care in your phone books and call the people there, look online too to see specifically what you need to do to keep those vultures away from you , the aide and your grandma.
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Take your own photographs of items that have monetary and sentimental value. That way there is no denying what was with what and you can put in a newspaper to prove on a date the photo was taken.

The health aids are the only ones with grandma sometimes and they are not bodyguards. Is that right? If someone comes to the door, they will let them in. Changing locks and trying to limit access to grandma will not work, it sounds like to me. I think the best advice is to remove all the valuables as someone else said. Remove the reason for their visits, in other words. They will give up and stay away when they know their greed will not be satisfied. I'm so sorry for these additional problems. You are handling it well and doing a wonderful thing for grandma, too. Trust yourself, you have good ideas and instincts.

How very sad. Thankfully, you, your mom, and your aunt are all on the same page. Your grandmother is blessed to have the 3 of you in her life to help deflect those vultures. Got a chuckle out of the messy room comment, though it might be best in a safety deposit box you 3 angels have access to. That way other important items could be added to it as time goes on. Good luck.

If grandma is able to have outings, I too would vote for going out to a restaurant and meeting them on neutral territory. It would solve a lot of problems just to never have them in the house.

If grandma is more housebound, and she wants to see them, you should specify that it would be by appointment (making sure one of the caregiving family members is present). Where you live is not THEIR home, after all. And it isn't grandma's home either, so they can't be allowed to believe they have free access. They should be kept in the living room/den for visitation or ushered into grandma's room if that is appropriate. If they don't cooperate, you can wear them and then bar them from visitation.

You may get challenged legally about her care taking if you have to end up borrowing them, so I would suggest that right now, if you haven't already, start documenting their behaviors in a journal so that you could present a contemporaneously written log of the things they've done, should the need arise.

It's pitiful that you, your mom and your aunt have to put your energies toward grabbing relatives or others instead of being able to focus on the loving care you are obviously trying to give your grandma!

I agree that it sounds like you are handling things well. It's amazing and super sad what happens to people when their elders are not able to advocate for themselves and when money is an issue...I have seen it in my own experiences...as soon as someone is old or sick, people start coming out of the woodwork for things...jewelry, furniture, etc. Recently, a family friend's distant cousin drove about 15 hours in a new pick up truck from their home to my friends home..looking to get in...Why? Take a guess? The friend was recently put in a nursing home. Obviously they were going to help themselves to her belongings. It's so awful! Luckily, the friends POA who has the keys, refused to give them to the cross country cousin. Shortly after that, the landlord tried to take my friends bed...she no longer needed it so he and another acquaintance to the lady thought he could take it. They asked her and she said yes....but she has serious dementia and the next day she didn't even remember it and didn't want to give it away. When I asked her about it she said it was the first piece of furniture that she ever bought, over 70 years ago....ugh...it's probably an antique too. People are awful. I called the landlord and told him he could not take the bed. I have learned that people get very greedy when they think they can get something from an elderly person. It's super depressing. Good luck.

Poor Grandma. She is blessed to have you and your aunt. Messy rooms have some advantages.

I have had to learn how to set boundaries with people in my life. In a very kind, yet assertive, manor I will say "That is none of your business." Or "I don't care what you think." Both of those stop the conversation from going any further.. period. And I may have to repeat it. It took practice but it has gotten easier and easier. And it has been worth it just to see the look on their faces!!

If you haven't already, change the locks! The “vultures” should not have access.

Then send them sweetly worded notes saying that they must visit by appointment only at times when one of you will be there. And tell them that when they come, they should keep conversation light to avoid upsetting your grandmother.

Since she still wants to see them, could the visits take place elsewhere? Does she like to go out for meals or snacks? Perhaps you could meet these people away from the house. They have seriously abused the privilege of being invited in and perhaps can't be trusted to behave properly in the future.

Nobody should have to suffer the sort of stress you describe, and especially not the hired caregivers. I send blessings that you will be able to neutralize the trouble-makers and make your grandmother's remaining days more enjoyable for everyone.

I wouldn't let them in the door! Who needs that stress, especially your grandmother? They bring bad vibes. And yes, put them in a safe deposit box, then when they threaten you, ask them to show you their papers. What a bunch of vultures is right!

Good, it sounds like you're doing the smart thing to keep the valuables out of the reach of your grubby relatives. It also sounds like you're doing a good job with your grandmother and have some good support in your aunt and your mom. Overall, it sounds like you've got it well under control.

Blannie, POA belongs to my aunt who I live with. Yes I live with my grandmother, she 92 and barely sound of mind. Some days she's more alert than others, but she is well aware that my uncle and his family only come around looking for a hand out. Yesterday my mom and I went through most of the jewelry and it's tucked away in a safety box in my room that I have the only key and I keep it with me on my house keys, and my room is such a mess they would never even know where to look. It's just these 3 people we have to worry about. Everyone else trusts us with the care we're giving my grandmother.

First thing I'd do is to get all of the jewelry (and other valuables) out of there and into a safety deposit box at a bank. The relatives can fight it out at a later date. What a bunch of VULTURES! Maybe if they know the jewelry isn't there, they'll leave grandma alone. Who has the power of attorney in the family? Do you live with your grandmother? How old is your grandmother and what's her mental state?