How do you deal with a parent you never got along with?

Its very hard to not take negative comments personally. Does your mother say negative things about most situations/people in her life? Some people have a very negative world view, everything that comes out of their mouths is negative. The negative stuff they say to us/about us sticks to us and we are hurt. Think about the general tone of all the things she says. If it is all negative or mostly negative, then its her world view showing through. Realizing that my MIL has a negative mindset helped me to disregard the negative crap she throws my way verbally. Even her neutral or positive talk is framed in the negative. "You're not sewing anymore are you, I didn't think so." instead of asking "Do you still sew?" Its not about me, its her mindset and how she sees the world. She sees what is wrong, not what is positive and good. It is really emotionally draining to spend time with someone who is so negative. Too bad we don't have deflector shields for flying negatives. It made it easier to not take her negativity personally when I realized that its universally how she interacts with the world. its not just me.

lovetoplay~My mother has a personality disorder....she is always right, everyone else is wrong, has to be the center of attention, verbally/emotionally abusive to family, a perfectionist in regards to everyone else...only she can make a mistake and it is ok, can't handle day to day responsibilities such as the washing machine quit working, or the car is not performing as it should....all these things threw my mom into a tailspin and she was a victim. She is/was sweet as pie to people outside the family, she has relationships with people she worked with who thought she was the kindest person they ever met. How she treated her family....my father and us...her children was a different story.

Set boundaries with your mother is very important. I know my mother well enough to know when the temperature in the room is changing....I would leave her house before it became explosive. I would end conversations on the phone the same way. If she accused me falsely, I would tell her the truth and leave. There were times I did not talk to her for a couple months at a time until she got the message. I suggest you google setting boundaries with a narcissistic parent, detaching with love, and also google the site daughtersofnarcissisticmothers. I this may be a lot of information that could overwhelm you, but learning to detach is very important. Hugs to you!!

Hi, lovetoplay- You mention that "everyone else thinks she's the kindest, sweetest, person on the face of the earth" My suggestion is to arrange for some of these people to assist with her yard and transportation needs.

I'm guessing she is still relatively healthy and that being the case it is important for you to draw the line now on what you will and will not accept as far as her attitude and comments go.

I'm with akasun - stay away from her. Tell her that her comments are hurtful and you're not going to accept them any more. The next time she starts in, cut the visit short and tell her you're not going to do her work any more. I don't understand why so many caregivers put up with so much trash talking from their parents. We're not helpless children any more! You don't have to take it - you're now an adult with grandchildren of your own. You need to protect yourself and your family from her toxic mouth. If she has dementia, my position would soften a bit, but I'd still say take yourself and your grandchildren out and away from her hateful comments. YOU DON'T HAVE TO PUT UP WITH IT! Let her hire some people who can run a marathon and aren't overweight to do her lawn and garden work if that's so important to her. I'd also tell her I was "too fat" to help her anymore, since she seems obsessed with weight.

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, blannie the fat comment is great. Never thought of that one.

Why would you want to stop personalizing her behavior? You do not have to take care of a toxic person. She can hire people to do the responsibilities you are doing. You owe nothing to nobody. but to yourself and those who are positive in your life.

I agree that you should avoid her, but if you want a way to depersonalize your response, try dysfunctional family bingo. Google it.

Get together with a few friends, tip a few glasses, and make a list of the typical unpleasant comments she always makes. You can put them on a bingo card, or print up a list. When you have to talk to her, every time she says something nasty, pull out your card and check it off! If she has any sense of humor, tell her what's going on. If not, then just keep track of how many items you checked off. That way, you can almost be happy when she gets in a zinger, because you earn a point!

It's just a way to reframe an unpleasant situation that is not going to change. It hurts, I know. Best wishes.

Severely limit the time you spend with her. Tell her she can hire a lawn service. Show her how to arrange transportation. Bow out.

You had to put up with this when you were a child. You do not now. She "calls it as she sees it." Time for you to be as blunt. "I'm sorry that I can't do anything right for you Mom, and I think it is time for you to find someone who can, or at least who is getting paid to hear your criticisms." "Our trips in the car always wind up with you criticizing me. I am not going to take that anymore. If you want, I'll help you find transportation. But I'm not driving you any more."

If you continue to put up with this, remind yourself that it is by your choice.

My mother knows everything about everything. I, of course, am stupid (even though I can fix things and have a grasp of subjects that she's never attempted herself). She is, generally, a negative person and does put things in a negative context, but in a sneaky way.

For instance, due to several foot surgeries, I've been unable to exercise as I had for many years and I've gained way too much weight, which I'm now starting to lose. Instead of telling me I'm fat and I need to exercise, she asks, "So, do you think you'll ever run a marathon?" She already knows that answer to her question.

I HATE having to visit her or take her anywhere because I always have to be on my guard so I don't say or do the "incorrect" thing. It's wearing me down!

One thing I should mention....everyone else thinks she's the kindest, sweetest, person on the face of the earth!

She sounds toxic. Awful place for you to be. Can you give her feedback like: "I probably won't run a marathon but I'll able to do your yard work more easily." (that was a little snarky but I couldn't resist) Or when the comment is really pointed, not a sneak attack - "Would you say that to a friend? I'd appreciate it if you'd treat me with the same courtesy you'd show for a friend."

Think about things she has said in the past (sorry this will be painful) and plan standard responses to use for common themes of her attacks. Speak from your heart, not in retaliation. Give her feedback that will help her understand that she is beyond the boundaries of an Adult to Adult relationship.

Make sure she has what she needs to be safe, fed and warm then LIMIT THE TIME YOU SPEND WITH HER. When you do visit, make the conversations all about her, it may limit the openings she has to do sneak attacks if she has limited information about you and your activities.

Lastly, realize that there are some people you will never make happy no matter how hard you try. Use your time and energy elsewhere. Spend time with positive people. Give yourself positive self-talk, as you did in your most recent post, about your abilities.