How to deal with parent who "worship" of out of town siblings?

How about a simple...." My feelings are hurt" and a ..."how would you feel if you were in my position" discussion? I am reminded of my children when they were very young. Their Grandfather who never paid any attention to them growing up would visit and my kids would fall all over him trying to get his attention, while my parents who were so loving and attentive were ignored when "HE" would visit. It was a simple case of trying to get him to love them cause they were so sure of my parent's love they didn't have to try so hard. Please tell her how you feel ...while you can!

Novelty value, Grace. That's what I think it is, anyway. Mother sees my ugly mug day in, day out; my sister two or three times a month; my brothers… once so far this year, at my aunt's funeral. The next time will be at my nephew's wedding, over Easter. And if they duck out of mother's 90th birthday in the summer I won't be answerable. But stir their stumps to get down here to see her? Or pick up the phone? Or send her a post card? Nope. Nix.

I confess to a moment's tetchiness about it a couple of days ago. As part of a lengthy exercise to do with deciding next steps, I am insisting that mother pays proper attention to where she would like to live after we sell our house. And her first idea? "I need to talk to M_. He'll know what to do."

What flashed through my brain with white heat was "Darling wonderful M_ doesn't give a flying f*** where you decide to live for God's sake you daft old bag - !" This was unspoken, of course. Sadly it remains, while perhaps vividly expressed, largely true.

Having taken a deep breath, what I actually explained was that M_ could not possibly know what she, mother, would like best. He is not telepathic. It is therefore down to her to think carefully about it, and I will help her weigh up all the pros and cons.

But one word from him and she'd settle for a tent under a railway bridge. Sigh.

Yes it is frustrating isn't it???

So sorry for your hurt feelings. I have the opposite problem. Brother who lives near mom is god himself and I am worthless because I live in a different state. I have to settle for crumbs while brother gets his pick of anything he wants. I can understand the parents making a big deal over the missing children but in my family it works this way: if you live nearby you are rewarded, if not, you are punished.

I understand your hurt feelings for being ignored and my hurt feelings for being ignored. I have voiced my unhappiness and if you do the same I hope you have better luck than i did. No one gave a s@&t in my family. Good luck

My experience is somewhat different as I'm an only child of a narcissistic mother with Parkinsons, stroke and dementia, who has been in a nursing home for 18 months. She has no friends. In the past 18 months an acquaintance (they'd see each other at a weekly event many years ago and kept in touch by phone, sort of) has visited twice, one of those times at my request. Apart from that she sends the occasional card yet she is "golden". I've been visiting 3x a week bearing chocolates, cookies, flowers, gifts and anything she asked for and had to listen to a tirade of imaginary problems, wants and woes. I'm just the gopher/slave,punching bag, as I have been life long, but that is what narcissists are like and it's ruining my health so I'm going low/no contact.

Sweetness my mother has been a mean, manipulative and spiteful narcissist all her life. When I was about 6 she knocked me about and put me in hospital and it never got better after that.. I still have the scars. I've spent a lifetime avoiding her and only cared for her for four hellish years out of duty. Since being in the NH for 18 months she's been on the phone constantly, screaming at me, picking fights until I changed my number, and causing chaos with staff and other residents.

In her demented state, she recently told a NH inspector that she didn't know where the money had gone from the sale of her house so now, like a common criminal, I'm being accused of stealing her money and having to produce paperwork to the government, which I can easily do. I'm no angel but I've never even had a parking ticket! Of course when her house was sold she was kept informed every step of the way, but she wasn't so looney tunes then and in any vent it was in both our names as joint owners. I have quite a lot of money of my own so I don't need hers tyvm.

Due to the extreme stress over the years I've had a mini stroke, I have eczema on my hands, brown skin spots that flake off on my skin and my hair is falling out. Going low/no contact may just well save my life at this point.

How about moving out of town?

ashlynne, I'm afraid if you go to no contact you might regret it. If your mom has dementia, does she realize how she is treating you? Have you talked to the acquaintance how she does, or join a support group. I could see not visiting as often, but not sure how you would feel if you cut off all contact. You do have to worry about your health though, that comes first. hugs to you ashlynne, I know hard it can be.

I have the same situation. I think Countrymouse nailed it. my parents see my face every day. they don't really ask about my classes or internship. every once in a while when something cool happens I will tell them about it. My sister is works a lot and has severe health issues. I think its nauseating the way my mother coos and oohs and aahs over her. (I am not criticizing my sister - no one can help health issues - I am criticizing my mother.) and of course I have a younger brother who is not only the youngest, the only boy, but has produced the first grandchild. (my sister is infertile due to her health problems and i prefer dogs to children :). So I think its nauseating the way mom gushes over my brother and his wife when they visit but it is how she treats all guests. Pulls out all the stops, makes all their favorite foods (his wife is a vegetarian). They live abroad and have their first child so their world is pretty rosy right now, and I don't think they really realize the aging thing. i think Mom enjoys the preparation. She has always said that it takes a visit from someone or some outside influence to really get her moving. I think I have inherited that. I suffer from depression too. I don't mind the visit but I do mind the preparation. Mom leaves everything to the last minute. she is a saver so last minute preparations include HUGE projects and stuff thrown in bags and taken down to the basement, rather than sorted out and disposed of. She gets nervous so she snaps at me a lot. My brother is coming for a visit and will be here April 10 or 11. we are nearing the end of the semester and i have a LOT of work to be done. My task is to help mom as I can but put my studies first before being roped into huge projects. That means saying "no" which is very hard for me. But if I have to leave the house to say no, I will. Good luck to you.

I can only say that it is hard to hear my mom praise the "loving ones" out of state, while I am doing everything for mom. I actually told my mom that she needed to go visit them for a week, that they would love to have her. Of course that has never happened because it is never the right time for her to visit, according to them. The praises have about stopped. And now mom thanks me for all I do. Thank God this is my home, and not hers. Her loving ones sold all she had before I had to go out of state to get her, and now they have the audacity to tell me they want an accounting of her Social Security checks when she dies. She never treated me good growing up, always screaming and yelling so I married and moved away very young. I knew what it would be like to take mom in. So when she starts yelling I suggest she calls to take a visit with her "loving ones" and she straightens up. 4 yrs and no regrets because we have found a middle ground. Now just to figure out my siblings ..UGH!

In my mother's case (narcissist), she never did that golden child/scapegoat thing with my brother and me. She's always been deeply disappointed in both of us, and pities herself for having such mediocre, unremarkable kids. However, she's always brought up distant cousins, or friends of ours, or neighbor kids, and praised them to the high heavens. She never actually had real relationships with any of these people, but it was her version of Golden Child/Scapegoat. She's 84 now, and to this day, I get to hear all about how wonderful Cousin Jenny is (my mother met cousin Jenny ONCE, 14 years ago, and it was Jenny's wedding, so I doubt Jenny has any idea or recollection of my mother). Sorry if this isn't exactly what you're describing -- it hit a nerve :) Thanks for listening!