How do you deal with a parent who is becoming very critical of you?

My mom, who was my biggest cheerleader my whole life, became extremely critical, nasty and demanding in her final years. I can relate to how hurtful that is and surprising ... from someone who was kind to me, my whole life.

One day I sat down with my mom and related some examples (just 2). I asked her why she was feeling that way and what had changed. She was introspective and said she didn't know. I told her that I thought she was afraid and even though I understood that might be the reason she was nasty, it still hurt me none the less.

She acknowledged what she was doing and said she would try to be better, but she never really was. At one point, my brother, who only visited her once or twice a year (her "prince"), told her she was killing me with her unreasonable demands. She tried again to be nicer, but she wasn't.

In retrospect, I think she was afraid. Afraid of what was happening to her physically and scared. It still hurt my feelings all the time and I was always on edge.

Someone on this site told me to tell her I love her every day and hug her if I could. I tried and a few short years later, she passed away. I'm glad for the kindness I could show her... even though I was far from perfect.

The night before my mom passed away, I changed the nail polish color she hated and I made a lovely pasta dinner with her. I tucked her in bed with a warm blanket and gave her water and fruit by her bedside. She was worried about whether the sheets were well made... I remember how snippy she was that night, exasperated with me. I will be forever thankful that I was kind because I will never have the chance to be kind to her again. I was blessed that she was a good Mom for many years when I was little.

It's a very difficult time. Try to find a way to sit calmly and talk about it and then try to not let it hurt so much (I know that's impossible).

You will remember the kindnesses you shared for the rest of your life and that will be a blessing in the long run.

It's a challenge! You are so right when you say you have to adjust your attitude since you can't change hers. It is so hard to see the loving part of your loved one go away. I remind myself that my mom isn't saying things to anger me; she can't help herself. So I make jokes and tease her and she laughs. I picture sending a big cloud of pink love from my heart to envelope her and warm her spirit. It helps! I also have friends I can vent to when needed, and I work out regularly as a stress reliever. I've also taught my brother the trick of saying "Ouch!" and smiling when she says something particularly hurtful. Sometimes she gets it and sometimes she doesn't, but saying ouch out loud helps relieve the tension. The bottom line is not to take it personally!

My mother had a tendency to be that way. She was attractive and talented, from a very young age. So, if you didn't measure up, she said something hurtful - but mostly only to my sisters. everyone else loved her.

After my sister died and Mother had to go to the nursing home, she got her self esteem back, because she is among her peers. She isn't just sitting and wasting away. She had lots of bowel problems that kept her house bound - but the NH is helping with that.

I am for hiring whatever help that YOU need, to deal with your mom. This is your life and you deserve to be treated well. If it means sending Mom to respite care, then, do it.

Hi Roxanne, it is very difficult. My father's mouth can be very very bad. For years, I used to cry so hard when he told me that I was a Bad Daughter. What's worse, he would tell people this - and they believed him. I have 7 siblings, I stayed home to help him with mom. Yet, relatives would tell ME that I should do more. What about my 7 siblings? Only this year, when he tells me that I'm a bad daughter, I repeat those words right back to him -and say that if he says I'm bad, okay, I will be bad. Then I walked out and left with the car. Another time, he accused me of this, so I did Exactly What he accused me of doing. But, that's the temper of me responding. Which I don't recommend, really.

I have found very helpful Teepa Snow. She has helped me to see how my father would see my actions as "treating him like a child." Maybe if you watch her mini YouTube videos, you WILL learn a lot. I learned how to deep breathe from her - without getting dizzy/lightheadedness. She also has several other kinds of videos. Just click it all and learn.

Google: Teepa Snow - Making Visits Valuable.

Anxiety is creeping up on her, frustration with not being able to see and hear and move as well she would like. She needs a complete check up with her MD and you should go with her. Tell him about the personality change, he may want her to see a neurologist specializing in aging. She may know something is wrong, but won't admit it. It could be as simple as sore feet or a bad bed or something more complex that needs bloodwork or CT scans. See the MD.

My father recently told me I was the "bad seed". I feel your pain. I was told my his psych nurse that they hurt the one's they love the most. Good luck dear, to quote my friend Rick who is going through liver and pancreatic cancer... "just keep swimming" (and Dori from finding Nemo too) dang I'm tired. lol

We have seen her doctor. He's assured me that nothing is physically wrong. I've been assured by the director at the Adult Day Care that unfortunately, this is not unusual for an Alzheimer's patient. I'm just trying to figure out how to cope with this behavior and not take it personally when she makes a rude comment. I realize that the "filter" that she used to had is slowly fading and she now makes comments that she NEVER would have made in the past. I need to work on changing me and my attitude, as I can't change hers. How do you all cope with the changes that you see in your loved one?

Extremely good advise by Maryannebn, that is how they will be from now on, you will have to keep on convincing her you doing the best you can and try to make her understand that you are doing your best, being a daughter it will be hard on you but the reality is she's talking her mind you just have to accept it and keep on convincing her that you are trying and you are on her side.

Snoozi that was a very good answer. My mom has gotten meaner with age and with the dementia. Same critical, hurtful and downright hateful outbursts. I don't even want my grown children and nieces around her for fear of her saying something hurtful aimed at them.

But you asked how we cope. Ain't easy. I have to be really calm and get in the right frame of mind to call or visit. I steel myself ahead of time for a good time or bad time, always expecting the bad and relishing the brief good times when they happen.

My coping mechanisms. I come here for understanding and support for all those who have journeyed this hot mess before.

Secondly, I've read several books, talked to aging and senior services, and educated myself to rationalize that this is just the disease. NOT to say I don't feel bad! or feel that little girl hurt from mom at the moment and a few stinging hours after...but I have a nice cup of tea! or a vodka tonic! Lol and allow myself to vent, be angry at mom and then get over it and start anew.

This happened to me last night, and I'm putting one foot forward today as I have to work and attend a dinner mtg tonight.

Hugs to you. I'm reading "36 hour day" and wow, what an eye opener and empowerment to know what we are going thru and outbursts are SO universal???I'm blown away as so many paragraphs could have been written about my mom or FIL. Read it. I got mine from the library.

Her doctor says nothing is wrong physically? Based on what? Has a brain scan been done?

To me, the key word in your question is *becoming.* This type of behavioral change is typical of dementia. Do you have a diagnosis for her? If not, you might want to pursue this and it could help you understand that it's the disease talking and not your mother.

Based on experience with my own mother (95 with dementia), the best way to react to this type of abuse is to NOT react. Either I make a joke of it or at least keep the conversation (and I use that term loosely) on a light note. If all else fails and I feel myself reacting emotionally, I walk away or just keep quiet.

It doesn't get easier, so it's best to start now and lovingly detach your emotions. God bless and good luck.