How do you deal with an overbearing paid caregiver?

Polopony, any employee needs to be a good fit with employer. If you are in charge, you need to hire someone who can be managed by you. Maybe she has been taken advantage of herself so has set her standards. Since this is a new experience for your family, she sees that your expectations are not realistic to her.
Perhaps you can sit down with a particular job description and explain that certain light house-keeping is part of the job. If she disagrees, or if you have let this go too long before correcting the terms, you may have to let her go with a nice referral letter. Bottom line, take charge:) xo

You fire her. Get a new one. Lay down the law from the moment you interview/hire the new one. The caretaker works for YOU, not the other way around.

Thank you for your response. It is not that I am concerned about the care my parent receives it is the interaction that takes place between the spouse and the caregiver. She has the attitude of large and in charge. We are praying about this situation; hoping that a resolve can be created. If we had several people trying to tell the caregiver several different ways of doing things; i would understand, but I see a bit of OCD; my other concern is when extra things are done while caring for the patient ----the caregiver wants to charge ----sitting and reading and only caring for the patient-----no laundry done; no light cleaning; etc. Felt comfortable in the beginning, but feel like being taken advantage of since the patient is really easy to care for at this point---easy going; no outbursts;emotional problems, etc.

I am a caregiver private and agency... the caregiver is there to assist and do what is required under their license. The family is to be aware of this before the caregiver comes into the home. As for certain details should be worked out and agreed with all parties its always worked out with me. i am in a case now 4 daughters each telling me different it can be difficult but i am there for there for the client their mom..What i have read i would get another caregiver

I had this happen!! FIRED HER ASS!! Get with a caregiver agency!! Do not up with their bullshit - they work for you!!

Let this one go and hire an agency. The extra hourly rate you pay an agency indemnifies you against any claims from the caregiver for personal injury liabilities which may or may not be credible. Not to mention all the other abuses I see from reading your post.

We used independent caregivers to help us care for mom with Alzheimer's. I learned over four years that you have to realize that you are running your own agency. You have to create rules, procedures, pay scales, vacation policies, sick day procedures, plan menus and require that the caregivers fill out a daily log documenting each day of care. I would be very happy to share forms and ideas with anyone who needs help. Our independent caregiving experiences started out rocky but worked into a successful and loving environment for mom. The only true complaint that I have is a couple of our caregivers asked my dad to borrow money. I would address that in a caregiving contract in the future. Sending love, encouragement and huge hugs to you and your family.

I meant a quarterly or semi-annual review. Darn this iPad.

Whatever you want, it needs put into writing and be a legally binding agreement outlining everything, hours, care expectations, reimbursements, pets, meds, etc.

There should be a clause with care plan if caregiver gets sick or needs to be absent and who fills in short term or long term.

For gosh sakes, if its the same caregiver or they are live in, they too need a vacation and some holidays and in my mind they should be paid unless you are with an Agencyand this is built in to a monthly or hourly fee .

26 yrs ago I had an excellent babysitter for my child and had to agree to a 2 wk paid vacation and holidays, late fees, etc.

Whether its family or formal, if you are paying them, then it's considered employment and you should have the job responsibilities, compensation and benefits outlined.

If they don't meet them or not the right fit, then fire them, learn from the mistake and get everything in writing bat the next hire. Do an at rly review with the person as well letting them know the good things they've done and what needs improved, also, likely caregiving needs evolve meaning loved one might need more skilled or more demanding care needs. -- this should be acknowledged and expectations reset.

Just my opinion.

FIRE CAREGIVER!!!!!!

Dismiss this person from your employ.

As an unpaid family caregiver, I have had to establish some rules all of which are intended to make things easier and less confusing for my mom. For example, I have told family members that they need to call before 5:30 pm when we have dinner. When calls came after dinner my mom would become extremely anxious about my siblings. It was hard to get her to settle down for sleep. Since the calls after 5:30 stopped we have not had to deal with her thoughts about something tragic has happened to my sisters. Rules, while they may make family unhappy, do serve a purpose. But, if the caregiver cannot explain why she wants things done her way that is a benefit to your parent, then yes, I would find someone else.

I guess my story is unique. I move in with an elderly gentleman over 6 going on 7 years ago. After doing agency work for 12 years, I saw families struggling to pay for their love ones care. Looking back, there are times I wishes I had stayed with ageny because now I make $300.00 a month for all these years. I have no other income right now and he needs more assistance than ever. Personally I think u have spoiled your caregiver and I wish IT worked for generous families like yourself. There has to be a balance in terms of compensation for quality care. That's what I have been trying to provide with little compensation or thanks. I have worked for a variety of families with the agency or without. Somehow I always get stiffed. It is encouraging to know that there are good people left who are willing to pay well for services rendered. Since then my agency has since gone out of business because of greed. Try a compromise or give someone else a try. Still good people out there looking work. soon it could be me.

You were correct when you stated " It was my belief when you pay a caregiver you provide instructions and directions about the care. "
They can give suggestions, or make requests, but it sounds like she is giving orders and making demands. I would find someone else.

Who hired the caretaker? If it is you, you can fire her. If patient is still in charge of own affairs have a talk with him and tell him you will let her go if he couldn't.

I agree with ladee with this one..we have found an angel with a halo for our dad's caretaker. She is a retired RN and VERY flexible. She gets upset with my mom sometimes because mom will make decisions she doesn't agree with but mom is the final say. We had a "bully" before and are very grateful for all our angel does for dad. She will call me if she thinks mom has made a decision that she has a problem with and I can usually "suggest" to my mom to do her angel's way. However, I have just as often explained to angel why my mom is so set in her decision and she has respected the final solution.

We were fortunate to find this private angel so soon but I know people that have been through many before finding just the right one. Best of luck

I am a paid caregiver and do not work thru an agency... I take issue with "a lot of these private caretakers are nothing more than 7/11 employees"..... my standard of care is high, I am committed to my charge and their families.... but sometimes we work for " 7/11 families".... as Eyerishlass stated, we go in and try to do as the family wants... we do not impose our training or ideas unless they ask . I have worked for families that will let their elder set in wet depends all day, or even pooped in depends, not give them enough liquid to drink, ect, and yet they will blow a gasket if I do something other than the way they do it.... enough of my own personal rant here!!!!

Fire the caregiver.... there are excellent caregivers that work with the families, take great care of your loved one.... and do not think they are in charge.... prayers for you to find someone you trust that will have their heart in the right place....

fire her, hire another caregiver, report her for charging when not working also

We were paying 10 grand a month ( 24 around the clock in home care) at one time in 2012 for my Daddy ( a Doctor himself for 31 years) and he managed to overdose on their watch. The care giver for that 72 hour period got out of my parents home so quickly , when what she should have done was follow her patient ( my Daddy ) to the E.R. Needless to say he was in a coma for 4 days but did wake up. When you are paying its , Your way or the highway. A lot of these private caretakers are nothing more than 7/11 employees. Yes we did use a agency. But remember the agency is making the bulk of the money and the caregivers are only making between 10 to 14 dollars per hour. I did not want to pay them what was due (why would I ) but Daddy would never not pay , so we did. When people our in my home or my parents home I run the ship NOT THEM! He has since passed and now I have my Mummy in a group home , she came down with ALZ , 6 months after Daddy's passing. I feel as though I lost both my parents in less than 1 years time.

Is this person with an agency? I'm a nurse who works through an agency and while I know some people prefer to work independently an agency provides a great professional buffer between me and the patient (and the family). I know going in what the situation is because my director of nursing has already been the house, talked with the family and decided what needs to be done during my shifts. I not only have my agency to answer to but my patient and the family. It's a much more professional environment, I think, with an agency. With someone who's independent you become the boss and on top of everything the family has to go through caring for an ailing and/or aging elder all of a sudden they become employers and that's a lot of responsibility. Especially when you get someone who has their own way of doing things or is otherwise disagreeable. Then you just have a bad situation. As the employer, if you're not satisfied with the work you have to fire the person. Families have enough stress as it is without have to wear The Boss hat.

That's not how I do things. I'm there to make things easier for the family and to give excellent care to their family member. If Dad is used to being cleaned up and dressed in the bathroom as opposed to the bedroom then that's what we'll do. It's all about the patient's routine, making sure they're taken care of and establishing trust with the family. I learned skills in nursing school, basic ways of doing things, but that's not what's always best for a particular patient or the family. I have to be flexible and understand that everyone has their own ways of doing things. It might be my way to administer meds with thickened water but the patient may prefer to take their meds with pudding. Who am I to say, "That's not how you do it!"

Obviously I'm pro-agency. Going through an agency protects everyone and if someone isn't happy (me or the patient or the family) it can be worked out while avoiding an uncomfortable situation.

As the employer, create a handbook. It doesn't have to be fancy but it's a training manual on how you want things done. Create another document that includes what you expect from this person. Hours, what's the pay period, days off, that kind of thing. Who comes in if this person gets sick? Are you stuck without a caregiver in that situation? You're paying this person to care for your family member. You have certain expectations. Make sure she knows what these expectations are so there's no misunderstanding. If she's stepped out of line you need to get her back into line or find someone else who will take care of your loved one the way that works best for your family. She is an employee. How many employee's go to a job and start telling the boss how she's going to do things? She's not a guest in your home, she's on the job in your home. Make sure she's clear on what her duties are and aren't. If she can't conform to the way you do things get rid of her. Then go through an agency.

Is she with an agency? Did you discuss exactly what you want and how you want it? Are you being fair to her? Many questions. I think much can be lost in noncommunication. You need to talk frankly and respectfully to her. Let her know maybe things got off to a bad beginning. Then if she refuses to follow your instructions or does things that you did not agree to, by all means let her go.

I would let her go and hire someone new. It can be a good idea if you hire someone new, to have them first work a week-end, or week or so, on a trial basis, that way if they do not work out after the trial period is over you are not committed to them, and do not have to hire them.

This person has a lot of nerve. You aren't paying this caregiver to give YOU orders. She/he wouldn't last one day with me. Start looking for someone else who isn't on an ego trip. One who will bring harmony to your home, abide by your wishes and spend time required for the patient not thinking up ways to rule the roost.

Fire the current caregiver and sign on with a caregiver agency or independent caregiver with past experience, references and a notarized contractual agreement.