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I have full medical and financial POA. My father has lived like a zombie for 3 years, doing and saying next to nothing in his recliner. He can still walk and only has occasional incontinence. He has bad cataracts and glaucoma. I finally got him to doctors, took his vehicle keys, hired people to clean him (he hadn't used soap or shampoo in 3 years and only changed clothes when he pooped in them), and confirmed a diagnosis of frontotemporal dementia presentation but most likely atypical frontal Alzheimer's. The house is 39 years old and falling apart. I'm getting estimates for some repairs. He shows no interest in getting involved with that. I've been doing all his mail and finances for more than two years because he wouldn't. One thing I haven't done is try to be the one (not him) to pull money from his IRA and deposit in to checking. His cleaning care is about $1000 a month, and that will go up when I need someone there more often (when he starts falling, becomes more incontinent, etc.). A bathroom renovation is likely to be over $20,000 (first estimate was $40,000 if you can believe that). The bathroom is covered in mold, leaking shower, holes in the floor and walls, etc. I want to make it safe for him (elevated toilet, grab bars, shower seat, etc). My brother, who married and moved out 19 years ago, thinks spending any of my father's money is horrible, that it must be saved (most likely so he and his wife from h*ll can inherit half of it). So, my question is this. When I have estimators in, my father asks nothing but last time, he did ask "How much?" I didn't tell him because his brain is still 30 years back so any amount is too much. How do I hide/lie to him and get money from his IRA without him knowing and not feel like a criminal? They will write a check out to him. What do I tell him? What do I tell my brother so he doesn't hate me? I am 100% alone. My father replies to most questions (after I ask them multiple times) with "no" like a toddler. In fact, when I stated someone was going to clean him Tuesday, I didn't even ask a question, and he said "no!" But, he soon forgets.

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Oh, I wanted to add something "funny." Last week, when he refused to be cleaned by the caregiver, I said to him, "Do you want me to call adult protective services, have myself arrested, and have you put in a nursing home?" He said, "Yes!" He's always been against a nursing home. It's so expensive, and he sleeps 20 hours a day.
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when I looked at your post and how unsafe the house is and the expense to fix it up, I don't know why you don't look at a nursing home - they are not the institutions your dad probably remembers. My dad doesn't want to be in his nursing home - but he praises the care, the food, the activities, and having other guys his age that he knew in his youth. Plus, he is being well taken care of - the main thing.
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If you have full financial POA, you should not have any problems moving his money around. If you are using all of the money for his care and wellbeing, you should not worry about feeling like a criminal.

I also don't tell my mother what things cost. Her prices are back in the 1980's and she would freak out if she knew what I was spending.

You should weigh the benefits of fixing the place up against how long you can realistically expect him to be able to live there. I did a $16K renovation on my mother's bathroom to make it fully handicapped accessible with the belief that she would be using it for many years. So far, to years in, I have no regrets. It has paid for itself many times over. But, would I have done it if I thought she would not be able to live somewhat independently much longer,...no
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Zombie, are you living with your dad in his home? After reading your account it seems to me the obvious answer is to move him to a more senior friendly place rather than sink $$ into renovations and repairs. If you add up his average monthly expenses and factor in the costs of renovations you may see that it doesn't make good business sense to continue as you are, depending on your location an AL could include room, food, and care for $3K/month. Or you could both move to a IL apartment if it is your choice to remain his primary caregiver.
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I moved to this house in 1977 at the age of 4 when my parents had it built. I want to die there. I've endured a lifetime of emotional, verbal, and physical abuse from my parents just so I could stay there. Why? I was rejected by humans so animals are my life. We have five acres and lots of animals. I need the renovations but my father needs them too. Trust me, it's not fun to be in the laundry room and look up to two gaping holes in the drywall ceiling covered in mold from the leaking shower above. Dad has enough money in IRA's to cover both care for him (even if he ended up in a nursing home) and renovations.
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Zombie, you are behaving perfectly correctly: getting estimates from reputable tradesmen and comparing them to ensure best value for money. If your father and brother still don't like the numbers, tough! Your father is no longer capable of making these decisions, which is why he has entrusted you with that responsibility.

I know it's hard not to feel hurt and in the wrong when you're criticised by people it's your habit to defer to, but those times are past. You are in the driving seat now, and for very good reasons. Trust yourself. Hugs.
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Uhm, I have to ask, how can you plan on staying in this house after your father passes away? Will the estate not have to be divided between you and your brother? I don't expect an answer, I just hope you aren't planning a future based on hopes and dreams.
Putting that aside, as your father's financial agent you have a duty to make wise financial decisions, ensuring that there is proper maintenance of the house would be part of that, and any renovations to make the home safer and more accessible for him would be the responsible thing to do as his medical proxy.
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After my brother married an evil and greedy woman, my parents changed their will from the usual 50/50 split to try to protect me. I get 50%. My brother gets 40% in trust to be given to him at his death (yes, I can't make that up; it would then go to his daughter unless I die first; then, he'd be trustee of his own trust so it could be dissolved). His daughter gets 10% at age 25 (she's 11 now). I am trustee of both trusts with him as secondary. A lawyer said I had to pay rent to them unless we come to an agreement but, otherwise, they have no say. My brother keeps saying he's going to move home but, if he hasn't divorced that woman in 19 years, I doubt it would happen. If he moves home, the lawyer said I don't have to pay him rent. All the liquid money is outside the confines of the will (IRA's, life insurance) and split 50/50. My brother makes a lot more money than I do so he doesn't even need it. His wife is controlling and cruel so he tries to be that way with me since he never gets his way with her. To my brother and his nasty wife, safety (mine or my father's) is not as important as money, money that never gets spent, saved for my niece's education and a rainy day that probably won't come before I die.
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Zombie, as for remodeling the house, from what you describe about your father's health, chances are he might need to move to Memory Care or a nursing home before the remodeling is done. Save that money and use it for his care.

Sell the house "as is" as there are flipper out there that will purchase a house that needs work. The equity will go to your Dad's care.
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Why would I sell the only home I know and sentence all my animals and plants to death? He has enough money for his care without selling the house.
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Zombie, I see from your profile that your Dad is only 77 years old. My parents lived in their mid-to-late 90's. Hopefully your Dad has enough to cover for the next 10 to 15 years. My boss's wife had Alzheimer's for 15 years. So one doesn't know how long this journey will be, or what the costs will be.
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Yes, I wish we all could predict life spans. My father has been sedentary for 3 years in his recliner, sleeping and staring at the TV. He can't really communicate. His blood pressure is low enough that the doctor was concerned. His skin is cold and pale from lack of circulation. He has Type 2 diabetes and very high cholesterol. He gets no exercise. He has some kind of rare dementia that presents like frontotemporal dementia. Do you really think he will live 15 more years? It matters because I will never consider putting him in a nursing home for that long at $100,000 a year. His money would run out in just a few years. I'm paying $1000 a month just for twice a week cleanings. I'm "lucky" that he just sleeps when I'm gone and doesn't really need someone to keep him from getting in to trouble. He's had more fecal incontinence though, and he doesn't even know he does it, and he won't even change his clothes unless I insist.
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Zombie, water damage does need to be tended to and repaired. It gets worse the longer it is left. Get three estimates from good companies and move the money to cover the cost. You can tell others the simple truth -- that maintenance needs to be done if your father wants to keep a roof over his head. Pipes will be expensive, but if they are dripping, they can cause thousands of dollar damage or potentially ruin a house. Same with the roof and gutters. Your brother is probably hesitant because you live there. He is probably seeing your service as a caregiver to be of no consequence. Some siblings are like that. Your father's money is to make sure he has what he needs. That includes a safe place to live. Spending the money will also protect the property that is part of the estate, so your brother is being short-sighted in not wanting to spend the money.

My advice would be different if your father wouldn't be there much longer and there were no heirs interested in the house. Houses often do have large maintenance costs, particularly old houses, so the money needs to be spent to maintain them.
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About the "no" part. I have found the easiest thing for an elder to say is no. I hear no so much that it shocks me when I hear yes. I usually don't consult with my mother except to tell her we need to have something done. She won't want to spend the money, but also doesn't want the house to fall down since she wants to die here. So I tell her how much it will cost. She is always shocked, but seems to know the world is more expensive now than it used to be. It cushions the shock a bit if I tell her what the high estimate was. It makes the accepted lower estimate sound like a bargain!
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Zombie, some of us here have described our parents as being energizer bunnies with low batteries, they may have slowed down but they just keep going and going. I would have never believed my own mother would still be with me at age 97 and seemingly no closer to dying when I started caring for hers 5 years ago (when I thought her death was imminent). Even though your father spends his days sleeping he still needs supervision, the days when you can safely leave him alone for more than a little while may be numbered. He is in much the same position as a small child would be, unable to help himself in an emergency and unable to make safe reasonable decisions when left alone.
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Zombie - I'm afraid that your own desire to live in your father's house for the rest of your life may be clouding your judgment about what financial expenditures (and living arrangements) are in his best interests. I'm not saying you're wrong, just that you're not able to look at it objectively. You believe that your father's funds are enough to cover both the home repairs and his care expenses, but you don't really know that. He's a relatively young old man, he could live for many years. Your father can't really express his views on this, which makes the situation even stickier. I would not move forward without a much better idea of what his prognosis is, and what the trajectory of his illness is likely to be.
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When his psych nurse talks to him, he says he does not want to go to a nursing home. He is clear about that. The bathroom has not had anything done to it in 39 years, there is mold on every surface, a large hole in the subfloor due to the shower leaking (tiles coming off), holes in the drywall from the leaks (not plumbing, it's the tiling and shower pan that leak), and so on. My old father would have patched it himself and not hired someone. My mom would have had it fixed. She hired someone right before she died, and that person flaked out. Why was it ok for mom to hire someone and not me? Is it because she had legal right to the house? She never worked after the age of 19 when she got married. She lived it up (acting, having affairs) while I have always worked full time and used to give my parents 25% of my earnings and did most of the housework since I was about 13 and did 90% by 10 years ago as far as house and yard work. I now do 100% of course. Mom always told me, "This is not YOUR house." But, I've only lived here. I care about the house and every plant and animal on the 5 acres. I cannot live elsewhere. It's my life. I have some money of my own by the way and will use it for some renovations that my old dad would have covered just to avoid questioning (mostly from strangers). Is dad really going to use up nearly a million dollars? That seems ridiculous.
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Zombie - to answer your question: yes, your Dad could use up a million dollars, considering his age and the nature of his illness. If his psych nurse is asking him about a nursing home, that means he is probably eligible already to go into a nursing home. Of course he says he doesn't want to go - almost all infirm elderly people say that, and in his case all he says is "no", right?

The issue is not that it's not your house. The issue is that it's not your money, and it may be money that your Dad will need further along for his care. It may be spending money he needs for his care on a home is can no longer safely live in. I know you desperately want thing to work out so that the house gets fixed and you get to live in it forever, but I think your own needs are clouding your judgment about what's best for Dad.
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Yes, I must put my dad first so I should continue to ignore the house falling apart. He should continue to use a bathroom covered in mold with holes on the floor. He doesn't need grab bars, a useable shower, or anything of that. I always put myself last. Here are some examples of my father putting me first growing up:

1. When he was beating me a dozen times or so with his belt, and I begged him to stop, he would eventually oblige. The welts sometimes lasted a week.
2. Growing up, he kicked the dogs down a flight of stairs regularly while I listened to them yelp in pain.
3. Most of my life, he would drop something at least once a day and lovingly say something like, "God d*** f***** C**** f***** son of B****. God just KEEPS f***** me!" Mom would pray every day for him to die. Can you feel the love?
4. One time in my life, my father said he loved me. One time in his life, he kissed me. One time in his life, he hugged me. He did the same with my mother and brother at the same time. It was the first time he was insane in the ER. Wonderful times to remember!

So, that was all very lovely. I take care of my parents out of responsibility. You can see why I selfishly think I maybe deserve to live here and have enough money left to do some renovations.

By the way, nobody can make my father go in to a nursing home. He wouldn't allow it. He won't respond to me but he's able to string a few words together for strangers. He can still walk. He is only rarely incontinent. So, he doesn't qualify for any hospice care. It has been a battle just to get someone to clean him because there's nothing wrong with him.
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So he's a terrible father and a terrible human being. You would be more than justified in moving out and ditching him. You are not entitled to use his money for things that may not benefit him.

The problem with costly renovations is that your father would have to live in the home a very long time to make them cost-effective for him. For him, not you. Those considerations need to be examined and weighed, by someone more capable of being objective than you are.
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Zombie, there is no doubt your father owes you. He owes you for the care you give him now, he owes you for the lack of care and abuse he heaped upon you in the past. The unfortunate thing is that life isn't always fair and we can't count on collecting what is owed to us.
I don't think there is anything wrong in fixing up your father's house with your father's money. Where I see a problem is in your assumption that it will all be yours one day. Your father, despite his illnesses, may live a long time. Skilled nursing care can easily eat up $100K a year, and when the money is gone the assets will need to be used too... so where does that leave you? We don't want to see you tied to a hateful old man for years only to have the rug pulled out from under you in the future. I think you need to talk this through with a good financial planner and an attorney that understands the intricacies of elder care and medicaid (in case it is needed some day). A little therapy for you might be good as well so that you can find a way to deal with your dysfunctional past and connect with the world outside your farm and animals. ((hugs))
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So, I should give up my entire life's journey because of something that may or may not happen? I will stay here as long as I can. I would sell anything of any value, turn off the heat (not while dad's here obviously), etc. just to stay here. My father may not live but a few more months. Could he live years? I wouldn't doubt it. But, why worry about the future. I'm trying to live in just today. Today, he's ok, sleeping per usual. He does go with me to the grocery store, and he still insists on bringing in the groceries. Since he does not much else, his breathing was labored when he was bringing in the bags. I told him I would do it but he doesn't acknowledge anything I say. I don't have a farm. I know life isn't fair. I'm 44, have no friends, have never had a significant other, have never been on a real vacation, haven't had a week off work since the week my mother died (Thanksgiving 2013), have a Masters degree but make what somebody with no degree makes, take care of hundreds of plants and animals by myself, and people think I'm absolutely amazing; they just don't want to help.
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I need to stop asking opinions. I thought it would be nice for my father's caretakers to have a clean and elderly equipped bathroom to use with my father. I thought it would be nice not to have mold spores being pumped all over the house as they have been. I thought it would be nice not to have a hole in the floor. I guess I was wrong. I'd rather leave it as it is than sell the house. I will still get the estimates but then just hold them, perhaps for years as my father rots away, as the water damage gets worse and worse, until such time as my father can no longer live here. Then, I can use my own more scant money to make repairs. That was my original plan until water started actively dripping to the room below. But, yeah, he doesn't need any repairs done because it's not necessary when you sleep 90% of the time. You don't know what h*ll it is to watch someone do and say nothing for three years straight, to not care about anything. He never did care about me but he always kept up the house and land. He used to be out chainsawing all day. Now, there are probably 1000 dead trees out there, each one reminding me that my father is already dead and that so am I.
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Zombie, I'm not sure why you are focusing on the one or two replies that told you not to sink money into the house, since you posted your explanation many more of us have told you it makes perfect sense and you are well within you rights, in fact are obligated to do so if you plan to care for him at home....
Your father may benefit from an anti depressant, but you say he is resistant to medical intervention. YOU have immersed yourself in a living h*ll and are clearly depressed and need some help of your own. PLEASE see a doctor, medication and therapy could help give you your life back.
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My father is not depressed. He is apathetic, devoid of any feeling. He is typical frontotemporal dementia in his behavior. He is on psych meds for being bipolar but we've weaned him off of those. He refused to go to a doctor for 5 years. I got it done this year. I just couldn't let him be as he wanted anymore. I am not clinically depressed. I have low self esteem because my family has taught me that I am worthless. I had therapy in 2010 (after I couldn't sleep due to fear of having my wisdom teeth out), and she told me that I was already doing everything right, and that I was amazing. These days, they charge about $250 for an hour with a therapist. Per usual, her only suggestion was to put on a pound of makeup and sexy clothes and hit the bars. I don't drink. I don't want a hook up just to say I had one. If people can stand me the way I am naturally, that's their problem.
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Oops, I meant "can't stand me."
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It's my understanding that a full POA will not include access to IRA or banking accounts--it might vary with different states. Is it possible you can add your name to your father's IRA as well as other checking/savings accounts? You might be able to contact the institution and request a form that allows someone to be included on it. Good luck.
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You sound tired and frustrated, find a support group. Check with Library, paper, or craigslist for a group of people going through this process too. You can also check with your bank for some answers, many times they have information/contacts who can provide no or low costs information that may be helpful for long term planning. Your Dad needs meds on a solid schedule for dementia, this will help him, caregivers, and you. People with dementia seem to feel scared and do not want to make any decisions, in my experience. My Mom wore glasses everyday of her life and wouldn't say yes to a pair she loved costing $200 (8 years ago) so I bought them for her...anything over $10 was too expensive to her. Try getting a Realtor to price house as is and with "their" suggested upgrades. It sounds like bathroom will be on their list. In VA if someone lives in house Dad/Mom can go into nursing home and not have to sell all property and exhaust other financial accounts, but if they live alone and go (after a time) all assets are used up before Medicaid pays. If house has to be sold and money used in future there may not be much of an estate to haggle over with family. My parents home had very basic maintenance thru the years and sold for 1/2 of the market priced home in the area, it was very sad but great for investor who upgraded bath & kitchen and sold for a little over 3 times purchase price. Finally, your Dad gave you POA because he trusted your decisions, you need to trust yourself. Gather some good information and make the best decision you can and start planning possible next step. Good luck and hugs!
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I have no doubt You are giving Your Dad the very best Care, and You want the best for Him, but $40,000 being the cheapest quote for a bathroom upgrade is day light robbery. All Your dad needs is a wet room where He has a walk in shower, and a wall mounted seat for Your Dad to sit while He's being showered, and hand rails fitted in appropriate places. Spare Your money and forget about massive up grades, since You Dad may need every dollar as the condition worsens. l WOULD NOT ADVISE YOU TO HIDE/LIE TO YOUR DAD SO YOU CAN EXTRACT MONEY FROM THE IRA, only to be honest and truthful to Your Dad, after all when this journey is over You will have to Live with You conscience.
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Repairs to house helps keeps its value up - doing these are to help him - at $3000 per month into $16000 = 5.33 - so it is break even at 5months 10 days -

When/if house needs to be sold to help keep him in a NH then it can be advertised as newly renovated & with some handicap aids - aging baby boomers are looking for that type of housing & they have the $$$ -

You most likely would recoup all those expenses + but check with a real estate agent to see what keeps house values up [not paint etc but bare bones things]
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