How do I deal with negativity of my aging parents?

wjjlyi, Been there, done that. All I can say is that you have to ignore their neg as much as you can. I kinda pretend some gorilla is talking to me and is not to be taken seriously. I know it is a weird thought.

I wish I knew the answer to this. My mother oozes negativity, from the look on her face, to the talking she does at me (not a conversation if its her ranting at me - nothing is good enough and I'm her audience.). Complain, complain, pity party... that's what I get from her. I try to distract her, pointing out a bird in the yard, or a cute baby in the store, just anything to divert her attention. Sometimes it works, sometimes, she doesn't want the bird in her backyard (its making a mess or eating the cat food or pooping on the patio) or the mom pushing the cart has a big ass (she likes to point out fat people and I'm not skinny by any means, so its a dig at me) and that's what my mother focuses on rather than the cute baby. I've learned to tune her out for the most part. But, I've got to deal with her tomorrow, and so far, I've eaten everything I can get my hands on today and haven't even showered yet. I've packed on the pounds since spending time with her. Talk about pity party! I like brandywine's gorilla idea. I'm going to try that tomorrow. Thanks, brandywine! :) ... so, wjjlyj, I feel your pain... maybe try distraction? Try to learn to tune it out? Imagine the gorilla? Be careful about pointing out the good things in their lives though. I tried that. My mother took great pleasure in shooting everything I mentioned down in flames! She lost her voice once and I was so happy. But, she dug up a dry erase board and tormented the crap out of me with it! Good luck!

I can relate to both of the above - (this does not include my father who was a saint). But, mother thrives on negativity. It is so draining and not healthy to listen to on a routine basis. The negativity can actually suck the energy out of me - so I redirect or stay away for a time. It does help.

You seem to be burnt out and not appreciated from what you said. Negativity is a choice - and you don't have to listen to it. When my mother is negative on the phone - I cut the conversation short. If she is negative during a visit - I leave.

My nephew's wife has breast cancer and two young children. She never ever has complained; I live with debilitating chronic pain and don't take it out on my family. So - constant negativity feels like a poison to me. And I am getting frustrated by all the negativity just because one is getting old. It is part of life - they need to learn to deal with it. Take care.

My mom, bless her heart, was very negative too. Sometimes it would get me down because I didn't know what to do to help her, but you know, what does someone 92 years have to look forward to. Even though I went to the nursing home almost daily, she still would call me at work in the mornings and tell me how lonesome she was. I would take her stuff, take her out for a ride while she was able to, or sometimes just push her around the home to get her out of her room. You just have to do whatever you can to cheer them up and try not to let it get to you. Mom is gone now, and I would give anything to be able to talk to her again, negativity and all. God bless.........

As you can see, you're not alone. I too, live nearby and hear all the negativity about the heat, about the cold, about my father, about teh neigbors, about the past, about the present, about the future. It's exhausting and draining. I'm sorry to say the only way you can stop feeling so defeated and have it ruin every day is to stay away. I have taken a huge step back in caring for both my parents because they are sucking the life out of me and out of my marriage. I only do what is totally necessary. Dad in a NH now so the situation keeps morphing. But my mother is such a negative Nelly. To the point where we just don't want to be around her. Yes, it's extremely sad but I have a life to live. My two selfish siblings are living their fairytale lives while I do ALL the work. Enough. So my advice is to just back off. You will be amazed at how you feel. And if you get the guilt trip and she says why don't come around as much, TELL her!!! You're not being mean, you're just being loyal to yourself.

Much luv - SS

It's very hard to do, but assume that absolutely none of the words she uses is actually what she means to say. For five minutes at a time, try translating every single thing she says that's negative into her saying "I'm feeling out of control"."I'm scared." "I feel really terrible about myself." I say five minutes because the other thing you have to do is not hang around all the time. Get in there, take care of PRACTICAL matters, and get out. Don't just offer yourself as a punching bag. JudymW, do you want to let your mother to not only make you miserable in the meantime but also actually kill you? You see the connection between how empty you feel in response to her and your emotional eating -- use that knowledge. You're way ahead of the people who are in trouble with eating but don't have any idea why. If you can't afford any kind of therapy or professional support -- but it's cheaper than diabetes -- then do this: For a month, just notice and track both your eating and your feelings. Keep a diary. Practice not beating up on yourself about anything, just notice. Paying attention to yourself in a way that's understanding and non-judgmental -- unlike what your mother does -- may be more healing than you can even imagine. Everyone (including me!): It's the negative messages we say to OURSELVES that is the most damaging. Example: When we hear ourselves think "This is really hard on me, I feel like I can't cope another minute" that's fine. But what comes next?" "I SHOULD be able to cope with this just fine. I should be stronger than this..... therefore... I'm weak. I'm a failure....." We may not even hear ourselves make those conclusions. But THAT's where the trouble is.

My mom who has alzheimers never used to be negative, however, in the last month or so she oozes negativity. While I can understand it is a by product of the disease it can be hard to take 24/7. My brother and I are looking into a alzheimers assisted living residence as hopefully some socialization will have a good effect.

I, too, am caring for my elderly mother....who is very moody, negative and verbally abusive. I walk on egg shells and pins and needles from sun up to sun down. It is absolutely breaking my spirit. I feel as though I am slipping into a depression because of it. Everything I do, say, think, feel is wrong. If she is hungry, she demands that I go out (to the farthest restauraunt she can think of) and get her something to eat. Then, when I get back with it, she barely eats any of it. If I make something to eat for her, it doesnt taste good, its not seasoned enough (or too much) and she barely eats any of it, either. She is very demanding and bossy. And nosy!!!! OMG she has to know what I'm doing, when, where, with who, etc. She complains when I'm on my laptop or cell phone. And dont let me even think of watching tv. That is out of the question. She deliberately throws digs to aggravate me. And everything I say or feel is shot down. She will go to the ends of the earth to find negativity in everything. She screams and hollers daily. I have tried reasoning (doesnt work). I have tried ignoring (doesnt work). I have one and only one person in my life who has been my rock through all of this. If it werent for him and this fantastic web site, I dont know if I would have an ounce of sanity left. This is the absolute hardest thing I have ever done in my life !!!!

My mother has always had the tendency to be critical and negative but have developing ALZ those personality traits have become magnified. At times I could really understand how elderly people could be abused! One day, after I couldn't take it anymore (I tried distraction, ignoring, reminding myself of her condition, etc.) I just agreed it was shi**y day. She paused and took a breath and continued. I eventually asked her if she really thought everything was horrible and there was nothing "okay" in her life, because if so I was worried about her and thought she was depressed. My mom actually responded to me and said she wasn't depressed. I asked her if she realized that she sounds very negative and complains about everything? I was able to do this in a very calm manner, reminded to keep my voice level. I asked if maybe it wasn't just a habit? I have to say she continued to be negative but it has reduced and when she gets on a roll, I ask her if it's one of those days, she'll chuckle and either stop or she will ignore me and continue, which I guess is an affirmative. I have learned that I need to take a break when she is too much, because the negativity is poisonous and toxic. Our visits are not going to go well and so I do whatever errand/task I need to do with her and let her know the visit will be short and I will talk to her later that day (by phone-short call) and will visit another day. This is a tough one and a struggle.

I have that situation, as well. My father was a saint and passed away 3 years ago. Now I know what he put up with, and I don't know how. My mother is 96, in excellent health, well off financially. Despite that, she moans and complains about every little thing. As a previous poster said, my mother also points out everyone who is fat, ethnic, different from her in any way. I finally twisted her arm enough to get her into an independent/assisted living facility in her own town (I live 2 hours away) 3 months ago, and now all she does is complain about it. Everybody is in walkers, has canes, etc. there's nothing to do there, the van doesn't go enough places, yadda, yadda. I have a sister who lives 45 minutes away and she does nothing, yet my mother makes excuses for her, and abuses me every chance she gets. I visit her about once a month (I also have my own family to take care of!), call her every night. I finally just said to myself, "She is an unhappy person, and has always been that way." It doesn't help to tell her how lucky she is to have her health and her wealth. Some people just thrive in their own misery. When I see her like this, I tell myself, "This is a lesson for me. I will NEVER treat my son this way if I am lucky enough to live to her age." I can empathize with you all. Hang in there, but don't forget to take care of yourselves first.

I too am caring for my aging/ill mother. It is not easy and has been a "journey" at best. I have found the only way to "disarm" mother is to walk up to her and give her a great big hug and a heartfelt I LOVE YOU. Try it, it works. She is so shocked everytime I do it that she can't say a word. I feel like she feels unloveable and that is where the negativity comes from..... Good Luck guys. Right there with you!

My heart goes out to you because dealing with aging parents is difficult. I came to the realization yesterday that it is not my fault. My dad's negative attitude has everything to do with him and not me. I am the daughter and it is my job to be respectful, compassionate, care for him, take him shopping, call him and make sure he is fed, watered and living in a clean home. But, it is not my job to make him happy. My mom always tried to make us the keepers of their happiness and now that I have given up I feel better. Whenever he starts in on my teenagers, my husband, my yard, my home, my piles of laundry, my weight (30 lbs gained, lost and regained in the last 3 years) I excuse myself for a minute and go wash my hands. I don't know why but the act of washing my hands washes his negative energy from me and I find the courage to go back out and face him. I try to remember that he is not the father I knew in my childhood. He is old, scared and lonely. Take it one day at a time, you are allowed to be angry, sad and overwhelmed. I found that writing in a journal helps, reading the posts on this website helps and drowning my frustration in ice cream helps. I would not recommend the last one but we want you to know that we are here for you in this community supporting you and your parents.

I had a professor in college who said, " All the way to Heaven is heaven."
I am convinced that happy people exude joy and are joyful to be around. The converse is true with unhappy people. If you are happy, and you put forth a positive attitude every day, it may catch on and IT MAY NOT. After that, there's nothing you can do about it. Avoid conversation with her when she goes "negative".

I can relate to this too...my mother is the poster child for negativity. I've been her punching bag for so long...and it hurts. However, I've learned to use humor to deflect some of the comments, I try to say something equally absurd to get her to laugh a bit...lighten it up as much as I can. It's not easy and it will get harder as her health continues to decline. I just try to remember how hard it must be for folks as the age and lose so much: freedom, dignity, health, safety, family, friends, jobs, social, church, etc...
I don't take it personally anymore. I don't try to get her approval anymore. I just love her for her quirks. I see her as a "feral kitty cat" who wants to be loved and sweet, but just doesn't know how. She hisses and spits, sometimes bites and scratches...just like a feral kitty. She has never been warm and fuzzy. She herself was horribly abused as a child and has never learned how to be very loving. But that's her, and I get it. Yes there are times I'd like to run away, change my name and pretend I'm not in this family (almost daily!) ha! But, I try to find the things she can teach me, try to let the nastiness go...just remember...YOU are who you are as a adult because of the parent SHE/HE was... perhaps that will comfort you. I'm so glad I read this post because it reminds me that the elders are a tough bunch. "Old age is not for Sissies!" it's been said. Keep smiling and don't let it get you down. Just recently I joked that the Lord Jesus Christ Himself could bring her chocolate chip cookies...and she would proceed to tell Him the cookies were "too sweet/too soft" or "Not sweet enough/too chewy" That keeps me laughing! I love this web site, it helps me through so much. Hugs to all!

I'm with selfishsiblings above. If you are not the sole caretaker, and you know her needs are being met by the home in which she lives, then limit yourself your exposure. Your siblings certainly are not having any problem doing so, and you being the dutiful daughter are not going to be appreciated. Instead, in lieu of your other family coming in to visit her, the unloading is going to be done squarely upon YOU. All the anger and frustration your mother is feeling because of the lack of participation by your siblings (even if she is not vocalizing it) is going to be unloaded upon YOU, whatever is wrong in the facility, with her health, etc. is going to be levied upon YOU. Not fair, you don't deserve it. Set certain times to see her, bring her a little special treat to eat, keep it light and airy and change the subject whenever it is going down "Negative Lane." You need to keep up your own sanity and health. Trust me, I am living this RIGHT NOW and have broken the ties. There is no remorse on the side of my mother, she dismissed me from her life and opted for her favorite child to handle her affairs--I say bully for her and thanks for setting me free.

Wjjlyj, as you can see, many of us deal with this and you are most certainly not alone, even though it feels that way. I am an only child to a three times married/three times divorced dad who is in AL due to paralysis from the waist down among many other things. I am grateful that he doesn't lash out at me anymore; this was helped by the AL as I am have much less day to day responsibilities for his care, but I still go see him 3 times a week, sometimes twice, and handle all of his doctor/health stuff and many other affairs. He has always been depressed even before his legs stopped working and his health declined. He is very resistant to doing anything to regularly help himself so that has not helped his conditions. He is generally negative and he ruminates on his life. It IS hard to be cheerful and positive when you literally feel like this person is sinking, not wanting to even try to swim and you are going down with them. You do so much and try to make their lives better, and when you have good news to report, you are ignored or just reminded of the next project in the works that you have to do. You said that you live nearby, and your parents are not with you 24/7, as is my case. What helps me is to have my sanctuary - my home and my husband. That is where I can feel the life surge back after a tough visit. I also try to remember that one day my dad will no longer be here, and that helps me deal with his negativity too. I told my dad that it is not like I expect fireworks and thanks for what I do - even though he will thank me sometimes - all I ask for is a smile once in a while, even if he has to fake it. Not even every day, maybe once a week to start. Just a smile. After he has finished baring his teeth at me, I can glimpse a smile from happier times.

I sympathize with you all - I am a single daughter. I thank god I have my job. It has saved my sanity - I live with my father, who raised me alone. My mother abandoned us when I was little. My father said I was an "accident" - he blamed my mother, said "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree" and that I follow him around like a dog at his heels, denied me medical care, clothes, no furniture in the house, no telephone, no friends, slept on an old mattress with no stuffing , dirty slum 4th floor walkup apartment. He has saved all his money, the only thing he values. He never married my mother who was 25 years younger than he, He was a tailor from Europe Tailoring is just seasonal work. He gets only $90 a mo. Social Security. He lays in bed all day - like a dead cow! When I come home - it starts- he demands I give up my job - stay in the house - no TV, have nothing, expect nothing. I get so mad I have to push or strike him. He calls me mean! He refuses any outside assistance although neighbors have sent people. He will not open the door, will not sign up for Medicare because he will not pay or it. Would they take an 83 year old to a mental hospital if I reported him as insane and sign the papers?
Redhead

Red you have to get away before you hurt him and end up in jail-call social services and explain the problems and tell them you have to get away and he need someone to help and it will not be you-if you have to stay in the house take your cell phone and lock yourself in a room and if he gets crazy call the police even if you have to go to a shelter it will be safer for you-you have already hit him-you need to get away-you have a job so just leave-why let him abuse you any longer. You can call the police from another place and report him crazy-they will have to go see him and will probably admit him to a phych hospital-you are not safe there in that house.

Pumpkin, you can say that line again that, "ole age it not for sissy!" I like the part that you mention about your mom like a 'feral kitty cat.'

Debi, it is hard to hug someone that is not huggable. Especially like Pumpkin mention about familie members that comes from abusive background and did not receive hugs as well. Count myself in that one. I just try to do things to show my love. I know it not the same and the hugging part we are working on it in our new generation.

N1K2R3, I like your advice and I do try to start everyday with an optimistic-positive attitude. I do try to get away from mnl when she get negativity but that is hard too when she is my shadow. She is only in moderate stage of AD and i know I might have my hands even more fuller than it is now and I need to get it all together.
My worse part of myself is that i always have worried about what other people thought about me. Like the mnl Neice incident yesterday. I couldn't hardly fall asleep for hours late last night for wandering does she think I am mean to the mnl and etc? I know they both walk off talking in the yard and mnl was just complaining. I wanted to tell the mnl if it that bad here then you can go to a nursing home. But, I bit my tongue. I am normally a nice and pleasant giving person yet by end of the day sometimes I am not.

Today, I just took the mop bucket and mopped the walls where the toliet paper is located n yes I did take toilet paper off and I just mopped and bleach the wall to get what look like shit again on wall by toliet paper! Also on toliet handle a litttle. I cannot afford get sick and my stomach was messed up for two days either from germs or my acid reflux. back on Gingerale. I bleach n pine oil the sink, tub,wall and did all the floors while I was at it and just wore myself out! That way, I be too tired to argue with the mnl like a dummy. ; )

Maybe she needs to hear about the nursing home-someone had to put my Mom in her place a few weeks ago after one of her meltdowns-why should they get away with childish behavior.

Austin, I read somewhere that was not a nice to do and it would probable just scare her more from what ever she fears now. However, sometimes I do feel like saying that to her just to wake her up. Yet, I know partly she will understand n partly she will not. I am trying to understand the childish behavior by education myself and then sometimes like yesterday, just plain forget! Venting....

@Redhead--this is a very strange situation you are in. You are trying to do right by him, but he is mentally and physically ill and you are not going to be able to fix this, even if you had the resources to do so. I do not mean to come off callous in my post, as thought I simply can write off a verbally, mentally and (as a child) physically abusive parent with a great deal of ease. I did not come to a decision to back away easily--it has been brewing for years. People who are nice throughout life are usually nice elderly people, and those who were nasty young people only grow nastier and more miserable as they age. I kept waiting for the "mellowing out" but it never happened. In fact, more manipulative and meaner than ever. I can't imagine any one person being able to live the way you are, particularly if you are getting up in years too. Call your local Health and Human Social Services agency and advise them of your situation and see what they might suggest. I wish you luck and blessings. Keep us posted.

Red--sending you a hug and mental escape. As others have said...get help, contact social services and get some help for yourself before someone gets seriously hurt or you end up in jail. I understand the frustration and anger but please take a step away--even if it's just to leave the room until you calm down.

You are right. They are unhappy. My mom was very mean to me verbally the past two years. Everybody notices it. I did say firmly one day, stop saying mean statements to me.. You don't make those statements to others like that, all she can answer is "your different". I keep comming back because I am her daughter. if she was mean to other people, they didn't have to come back. I had a friend talk to her when she observed her being negative to me. It helps, but doesn't make it completely go away.

Gee, I thought the mnl would mellow out from her mean streak and now I know that's not going to happen. She has always been bitter-offish yrs ago and I guess I can see why is she going to change now. At least we have some good days with a little bit of smart mouth n self pity attitude. Even the lady from the Aging Agency said that she does very good for her age and with AD.
Sorry cannot help yall on this one.

I know this is not an easy situation. In fact, it might very well be the one thing that makes caregiving so draining and leaves us feeling utterly defeated and worthless at the end of the day, dispite the love and devotion we provide. It is quite often a thankless job...and we may even be OK with that, but then the constant negativity is almost too much to bare.

I experienced that while caring for both my parents at different times in my life. I now have a dear friend, who is a senior citizen living with us in our home. He too gets very negative. No matter what blessings come our way he sees beyond that to what still needs to get done, or what we haven't yet accomplished or what ailment he still has and on and on. What I do to get through this is look at the complaining as being around me and not to me, through me or about me. I look at him objectively as someone portraying a very predictable behavior. I find that by doing this I can almost anticipate what he is going to say and this gives me the opportunity to keep my "teflon shield" up and it slides right off. I can prepare my come back before he even says a word and at times (though rare) he has even agreed with me a time or two.


This is in now way a true cure/solution, but I'm not becoming more thickskinned and developing that really, really helps. It occured to me that doctors and nurses and others who work with people in distress also deal with such things daily. They can't allow such things to get to them or it means their career. It was then that I decided to not let it get the best of me or I wouldn't even be there to do for my loved ones what they needed....and who was gonna take care of me? I hope this helps at least a little. God bless you for your hard work, patience and love you have for your mother. I pray that she one day realize just how blessed she is to have a daughter like you.

I understand these feelings, for sure. My mom is 85. She has had a good life. She and my dad were married for over 50 years and she has enough money to have enough help that she can remain at home. I have not had it so easy. I've been divorced most of my life and do not have the kind of financial resources she has and never will. So it is hard to listen to her complain. If I complain about anything she will either say "I wish you could DO something about that!" (as if I don't try or I don't want to change it) or she changes the subject.

I am new to this site but I heard about it from the weight watchers website, caregivers group. I have been caring for my mom and dad for about 2 years and in October they moved in with my family. Dad died in April but I care for mom full time. I started weight watchers online in late April and had great success but was really excited to find the caregivers group. There are groups for most needs. I think you should investigate it. It has been really therapeutic. Please take care of yourself no matter what you do.

Mrsribit, welcome to the site and how is the weight watcher working for you? My husband cut out all sugar in his diet including the red wine and he has already lost 20 lbs within 5 months. He has went from a size 44 and as of today he wearing 38 yet a little snug. He is having trouble getting anymore off and now trying ride a bike at least once a wk about 8-10miles. any tips feel free let me know.

Why is it that some of our parent(s) have treated us and treat us like they own us. That we were born into this world to serve them, that they have never set us free nor will they. That the pathology has created a dependency from a very young age. This dependency is all we know and we hold onto them and this.
Now that my mother is dead. I am still in the mist of trying to obtain my inheirtance however she set up my share to be under a trust with a trustee, one of my brother's. Stomach that. I have tried to break the trust until my only daughter said no grandma was justified! Of course as a mother I understand that my daughter is blind. She has stopped talking to me 9 months ago. All of the family dynamics of this very small family have blown up. Me I am in therapy trying to become aware and know myself for the first time in my life. I am a trauma survivor with an ambivalent attachment resulting in a dependency disorder. I do not blame myself but realize that the very small child in me survived the best way I could. Now I am going for healing....I want to be set free before I die. I want my own life. I am so sad that my brothers and daughter cannot even ask me how I am doing, where I am at. Life is sad and very difficult. I have a lot to be thankful for, food, clothing, shelter, and maybe some money. I want my freedom too. I am going to have friends and a life.
So in answer to your question, if you haven't gotten what you want from your parent by now, realize that you will never obtain it from them. It's an inside job. I look back on my own life and wonder what I was doing when I cared about my mother. I wonder if I did not waste so much of my life caring for her, controlled by her, but I cannot change it. I can change now with help, step by step. Be true to yourself. Live here now.