How to deal with my Mother's loneliness?

Sometimes, when you are lonely, you can get used to and enjoy your own company more.
A psychologist (forgot who) wrote that after her divorce, she went down to the pier, and waved back to someone on a tour bus. The whole busload of tourists waved back. Simple, but it made her feel better.

I GREATLY appreciate the answers you've both provided! My mom is on the computer, DAILY, and that does help a bit. The ideas of reading groups, library sessions, etc., are WONDERFUL. I want to get her out of the house, so these solutions are very helpful. However, we live in a somewhat rural area, and believe it or not, in this development of about 80 homes, I have yet to find ANY SENIORS at all. The development, which has beautiful homes, is somewhat isolated in an area that has a number of other very secluded sub-divisions. If there are seniors around, I have yet to see them. Most people work outside the home of course, but my mother and I are both retired. Another MAJOR challenge is that my mother smokes, and can't seem to quit, no matter what! Therefore, she is hesitant to be around others for any length of time, and doesn't want to go too for away from the house, even though I will drive her anywhere she wants to go. Still, I will try some of your suggestions, and I thank you again for responding.

LuvMyMom, I just P'M'ed several links for Downton Abbey forums and one for the DA costumes as well. I'm assuming that DA lovers enjoy the fashion changes as much as the characters.

I accidentally made the message private, but if anyone else wants these links, let me know. I didn't post them here because some non-aging care related links get deleted.

Texarkana, I think trying to help your mother "fix her emotional state" might not be possible. I don't have that much experience with narcissists on a regular basis, so I don't really have anything to offer, but just wanted to share my sympathy for your situation.

This just might be one of the times when there is no solution, especially as I get the impression your mother would reject your efforts.

Or perhaps if you just dropped the issue your mother would initiate some effort on her own. She may be relying on the fact that you'll continue to try to find some method of pleasing her. If/when you stop, maybe she'll act differently, as i assume that as a narcissist she's used to the attention she gets, expects it, relies on it, and uses it as reinforcement for her behavior.

I assume she reads a lot as well - does she enjoy novels? Is she interested in a groups such as the classics books discussion groups?

If she likes drama, there are Shakespeare groups throughout the country.

If she has a degree, she could join the American Assn. of University Women; the local one in my area has a current events/foreign events discussion group. Unfortunately, they do require a degree, although I was told that at least one of the subgroups was open to someone who has the equivalent of an associates' degree.

Libraries are good for stimulating discussion groups; I check libraries in several of the surrounding areas. I've found the ones in the upscale areas have the most diversified groups.

One local library had a display and discussions on The Silk Road. Another recently hosted a discussion of the age old question of why Hamlet "procrastinated" in his actions, led as I recall by members of the Canadian Shakespearan group.

Try community colleges as well; one in a neighboring county used to have annual series based on specific countries. The topics were wide ranging and from the titles appeared to be quite diversified and thought provoking.

You might also check with local universities to see what clubs they have and whether they're open to nonstudents.

If you can't find any, start one yourself. Contact a library to discuss it, create some flyers, put them up in grocery stores, ask the library to post it in its newsletter, let people in the area know about it. But think up some good topics first; you might have to do research on specific topics to be prepared to lead a discussion group.

It's too bad Borders went out of business but it was the perfect place for discussion groups. One of the local ones had groups ranging from needlework to French - conversations were to the best of my knowledge all in French.

Find some forums on the computer for her. She might have a blast. How about ancestors website? I can't imagine where you live that there are no seniors. What do they do with them all? ;)

Check with your town/township/county/surrounding towns for senior centers.

There are some good literature forums online that she might enjoy. No one knows she smokes, or her age, or anything else.

There might be more groups in the areas surrounding your rural area - check with the next good sized town. It might be a drive, but since you're willing, you could make a trip and intellectual adventure out of it.

There used to be a PBS forum on which folks discussed the various PBS programs, but last time I tried to find it it appeared to have been shut down. It was interesting to read the comments on such popular series
as Downton Abbey.

If she's a Jane Austen fan, there's a JASNA organization (Jane Austen Society of North America), with chapters in many states and even a few chapters in some states. She would definitely find kindred spirits there.

I may have some forums that discuss Downton Abbey in the database I create for web sites. I'll check and PM you if I can find them.

It sounds like your mom may have to learn to adapt if she's going to insist on living there. If not, she may want to consider relocating to a retirement town. There are retirement town out there if you search for them. You may also want to move her into a retirement villa in another town. This will put her in contact with other older people like herself. What you want to watch out for though is if she gets so lonely that she starts magnifying health issues and other matters. I'm recovering from dealing with someone like this myself, and let me tell you it's definitely very hard. Just like your mom, this other person is also very lonely to the point of becoming very possessive. This is a subtlething that you may not even realize is happening at the time. Hindsight is a very good teacher, and it's not until something has already happened that you learn a lesson. If things get too far out of hand for you to handle, You'll definitely want to seek professional help with the matter and even consider putting your mom into some kind of facility that can help her. Sometimes things get so out of hand that it's actually more than you're able to handle on your own, and sometimes a facility is definitely needed.

Excellent! I'd appreciate that!

These are great suggestions for a mother that uses a computer, mine does not and would not even in the years her health was better.How do I help the loneliness of a lifetime narcissist? I mean really, how do I? I found her a church to attend as she would not put forth the effort to do so when she moved in with me, I found her art lessons thru my friend's connections,I make sure she calls her Very few friends on her cell phone as she does not do this spontaneously(she is more interested in her own problems). I cannot fix the unhappiness within someone yet I feel responsible but have no idea how to "fix" her emotional state.