How do I deal with my mom when she suddenly gets mad at me, on the phone, and tells me she won't call me again?

Daisy, I have been through this exact situation sooooo many times with my mother. I'm not an only child; but feel like one as my brother is deceased and my sister lives 3,000 miles away and detached long ago from my mother. My mother even complained about the same things you described your mother is complaining about. My mother constantly hangs up on me. Tells me I am not a good daughter, etc. All for reasons of not agreeing with her or not saying the things she wants to hear. I don't know if your mother has always been like this (mine has) but it became worse with age.

My mother has depression as well. I use to take it so personally, always trying to please, say the right things, etc. Years ago, during a conversation with a therapist, I described the hanging up, the constant guilt trips, etc. He said no one can make you feel guilty - said I was "trained" to feel guilty. Told me not to call her back if she was the one to hang up on me. He said he understood how I was hurting over this (as it has been a lifetime of if), but said to remember anyone who acts like that is hurting too - and she is a very troubled person.

I took his advice and did not call her back and still don't call her back when she hangs up on me. It was difficult to do, but it truly works, in my case anyway. By calling her right back everytime she hung up on me, I was just perpetuating this behavior. She is on medication now for depression and other mental health issues; but the medication truly helped.

Your mother could also be in the stages of developing dementia. You mentioned she stays in bed most of the time due to physical problems. This in itself is very depressing. God bless you for raising triplets and working full-time. Your plate is full. Perhaps her doctor could prescribe depression medication. Also, would she be open to an assisted living situation? or having someone additional come in to help her - Elder Services can help in so many ways with suggestions for all situations.

It's difficult going it alone; but you will find a lot of support on this site by extremely caring people with wonderful suggesions. Blessings and hugs to you.

"...she is a rich woman and saves the money (we give her) to give her son who has a great job and is married to a woman who does not want to work and by choice have no kids (unlike my sis and me who have children and households to support)."

There are two possible scenarios here.

1. Your description is a wild distortion of what has actually happened.

2. Your description is true and accurate, and you and your sister were idiots to give her money.

Either way. You describe a mother who hasn't spoken to you in nearly five years and you're wondering now what to do about it? Why now? And how does a woman who refuses contact convey to you that she expects you to support her?

I think perhaps you should see a therapist. You seem very sad and confused.

Daisy, you need to think back to who your mother was when she was at her best years ago. Remember how hard she worked to take care of you in your teen years, your childhood years? The person who did that is not the same person you can talk to now. Today, your mother is losing control of her life, her environment, her mind. She's panicked, she's helpless, she's mad as heck and not going to take it anymore. Whatever she's feeling as her life slips out of her grasp, she's going to take it out on you. Don't distance yourself from her; just protect yourself from her. Put up a mental fence between you. Empathize, listen, comment, but don't expect her to react as if she was 40 years younger. You are making her final years what they will be. Take care of her, but take care of you, too. Give yourself the strokes she doesn't give you anymore. Forgive yourself. Forgive your mother. Try not to agonize of the things you cannot control and the things your mother cannot control. No point. Be with her. Do your best. Celebrate your victories. Be good to you. Good luck. God Bless You.

If you can count on her hanging up on you with whatever you say can you just use caller ID and not answer the phone very often-and whenever she started raging on me I would be the one to hang up on her-she may just want to pervoke you and enjoys doing it.

My mom started doing this when she was in very early dementia. Maybe it's time to have a geriatric doc check this out? There are meds that can help. Mom finally admitted to me that she only felt safe when I was around. Maybe that's the same with your mom. She's starting to feel unsafe and alone? Just a thought from someone who's been there. Hugs and I hope everything gets better. We only children (my brother hasn't seen mom in 7 years), are easily guilted aren't we?

They tend to pull this with the children who will let them get away with it. My mom does this to my sisters. As for me I have never tolerated this and to this day she seems to respect me more for some bizarre reason?

People learn by how others react. By arguing or by allowing anything other than acceptable behavior you only reinforce the behavior. My mother used to call me to report every single injustice every did to her. She would tell the same stories over and over. I didn't speak to her for a long time because she was being manipulative. I wrote her a letter explaining the behaviors that I found to be unacceptable. I told her that I loved her but that I loved myself as well, as so would not allow her to monopolize conversations, intentionally try to upset me, or bring any negativity to my door. That if she could leave the BS behind, she was welcome into my world, but if she was unable to do that, she should leave me alone. It was a couple of years later, when my brother died, that I spoke to my mother again. I have boundaries and Mom recognizes my boundaries now. Still I sense some negativity at times, but she tries to curtail it with me. If she does that enough, it will become habit, just as the way she has learned to control herself when speaking to me. I love my mom, she did the best she could with what tools she had. We all need someone to keep us in check at times.

Happiness1, when your mother needs care your brother will probably start pressuring you and your sister to do it. Stand firm! He the Golden Boy son should be the one to take care of the mother who thinks he is more important than her two daughters.

Countrymouse, what makes you think it is only NOW that I am wondering what to do? You are making a ton of assumptions as to the situation I am describing. It is clear from my description that this is something that has been evolving -- you must be daft not to realize that. Anyway, if you can assume so much and be so negative and sound so angry, maybe it is YOU that needs a therapist as to why you get so angry over a stranger's situation. You have said nothing in your reply to be constructive, but have just struck out in anger. I suspect your reply has its impetus in some unhappy situation in your life or guilt in you, and has nothing to do with my post. Good bye and don't respond to me. I don't need another abusive entity. Go do something else with your time.

CTTN55 Thank you for your reply and support. You are absolutely right in your prediction. That is something my sister and I talked about too. Thank you for your good energy!