How do you deal with mean and miserable old lady?

For starters, you can't make her happy. She chooses the behavior for whatever reason. I would look into assisted living since she is so noncompliant about getting a social life.

My mother is 84 and she is a walking, breathing pity party. Refuses any social contact with other seniors and whines non stop about herself.

If you look back to your mother's behavior before aging and ailments and see a similar pattern, well she is just being more of herself. There is no way I would allow her to yell at my young children. For their sake, make other arrangements for her. She won't change. And your children deserve peace in their home.

Palmtrees has some excellent advice. If your mother was always self-centered like this, there's likely not much you can do but arrange for her to live elsewhere.

If she used to be a nice person and has changed drastically, she may be physically healthy as far as her general doctor can see, but she should have a neurological checkup. From what you say, even getting her there could be an issue but you could try. If you don't tell her that this is for her mental health you may have a better chance of getting her to the appointment.

If that's not the issue, then you need to change the situation. We can't force competent people to do things, however you are not bound to keep her in your home. Her treatment of your children makes this unwise long-term. Maybe you can tell her that since she is so unhappy with you it's time for her to find another place to live. Tell her you'll arrange things if she doesn't want to be in on choosing where to live. They do it.

I know this is all hard but think how hard it will be if this goes on for years. You mother could destroy your family.
Take care and please let us know how things are going.
Carol

We feel responsible for taking care of our parents and you have done your part. She is damaging your children with her meanness and unless you move her out, you will have huge problems with the kids. Tell the healthy horse to find another pasture. Take her on tours of senior apartments or ALF. She can pay for it with her SS/pension and help from the VA if she was married to a wartime veteran.

Stop trying to make her happy. You can't do it and it's only going to drive you nuts. And if she continues to be mean to your children I agree that an AL would be better suited for her. You don't open up your house to someone out of the goodness of your heart then allow them to treat your children badly.

Thanks for the responses...........And my kids is the main reason I am even doing this........My main concern now is getting her to leave the house which is not going to b an easy task and she has pretty much indicated she is staying put til she is gone........and honestly who knows how long that will be. I am in contact with her primary care doctor and am hoping that she will be able to help me out but I am sure I am going to have a fight ahead of me as she is a stubborn set in her ways old woman..........

Sometimes there are goals that trump mom being happy. How about mom being safe? Safe from others and herself, especially if there are neuro issues going on. There are so many flavors of senior housing out there now it's just amazing. Independent 55+ communities all the way to 24/7 assisted living with all kinds of services on site. A lot of our folks only know about the old-fashioned nursing home that scares them, and it's not like that anymore. There are all kinds of price ranges too, and it does NOT come out of your money.

My mom is quite toxic to be around due to personality disorders she's had her entire life plus dementia and a host of medical issues. She lived with us for a little less than a month and we were all near suicidal by the end. She had to go.

I found a place for her, took her on a tour, and asked her which apartment she preferred. Did the paperwork right there, and waited to find out her move-in date. She's been there ever since. Happy is not a goal for her. She wouldn't be happy in the penthouse in Heaven. She's safe, she doesn't have to cook, clean, do laundry, or anything really but get up and get dressed. We can visit when it works out for all of us.

To make the situation change, you are going to have to be assertive and cause the changes to happen. Welcome to the club. There's a lot of us in here. :-)

Well if you move her somewhere, it doesn't sound like she can be much more difficult than she already is, and then you can control how much your kids are exposed to her.

Thanks for your post it made me laugh which I seriously need right now.........and you are right on the nose with the stick of dynamite :):)

Love your mom for whatever reason, mom is mom, make her Happy at the end of her life, dn't regret after all. Be strong n take care your mom as she's take care u when u'r still in her stomach. Good luck. Sometimes silence is golden.

I feel your pain. My dad is the same way. Right now he is staying at my sisters and she has 6 kids ages 6 to 20 and he yelled at them for various reasons everyday sometimes numerous times a day and it's so upsetting. Thankfully he is buying a house and going to move into that house by himself however he can't really take care of himself and we pretty much do everything for him but bathe and dress him and feed him and so I am the odd man out in the family and I'm going to have to go live with him because he refuses al and he refuses in home care so until he gets where he doesn't know who he is or who I am I'm the one that's going to be responsible for caring for him and I wish I could be happy and thankful that I can take care of my dad at the end of his life which I am sometimes but mostly he just treats me like a slave literally from days gone by and I just don't want to do it but I feel like I have no choice. I hope your situation gets better.

and I have to add that my dad is 80 years old, does have numerous health problems but can still do things for himself he just won't and thinks that everyone should wait on him especially female people should cater to his every whim and I think that's just his generation and if we try to talk to him about Medicare and Medicaid and making a five year plan and getting things in order now while he still knows he gets angry and says I don't want to talk about you taking care of me and yells at us and it's just so frustrating.if you can get the Oprah Magazine for this month it has numerous pages of different caregiver stories with good advice and if nothing else it will make you feel like you're not alone kind of like this website it has some really insightful stories and advice

sandwich42plus
really great advice, it seemed as if I was reading my own thoughts, my grandmother has gotten to the point she is not happy is in a rage if anyone is happy.
I have guardianship, she tries to turn everyone against each other and has her own reality of untruths, It has been a life long thing with her but the addition of early onset of Alzheimer s has really pushed the sanity of everyone

one word: evict

If Mom is competent (in the legal sense) you won't be able to get guardianship, and you won't be able to tell her where to live. BUT you certainly can determine who lives in your house.

You may actually have to go through eviction proceedings -- even if she isn't paying rent. Look into what the entails in your community. You will have to give her written notice of a certain length of time so do not leave leave this until the last minute.

I hope that when she sees you are serious and that she cannot live there until the end she will accept your offer of help finding her a suitable arrangement, but even if she refuses your help and refuses to look herself, you need to move forward with the eviction. If she is totally uncooperative, I would notify APS.

This is going to be extremely hard on you. Who wants the sheriff showing up to remove their mother? But you need to do this for your children, your marriage, and your sanity.

I am hunting for a job ,move to Laveen, Az 85339 two weeks ago and like to do same thing ,with my time.

hair drasser

I have work with elderly lade

Hi People, I found this site because I needed to blow off some steam... My Mother in law is a really nasty piece of work and unfortunately my wife thinks we have an obligation to put up with her constant complaining. Well I read all the above comments and agree that when this affects small kids, in my case my 9 year old son then it is time to take action and move to another city! I see my son crying with frustration and it wrenches my heart. Not to mention that I am under stress from the constant nagging. I would move out this minute if it were not for my son. So all of you in this situation you must take action to preserve the happiness of your children. Their rights come first. When I was small I suffered with an extremely abusive father and now I look at my mother with no love or respect as I can't understand how she allowed this to happen. So don't think your kids will understand when they get older, they won't. TAKE ACTION ASAP. Either put her in a home or move away and allow your kids to have a happy childhood.

Good luck Freddy with trying to get your wife to stop having your children abused by gramma. Your wife is perfectly willing to have her own children destroyed by this woman in an attempt to gain grammas support, love, whatever. I never cease to be amazed at this kind of behavior: grizzlies will tear apart anything they perceive to be a threat. Not human females: they will offer up their own children...
Again, best of luck. If you can't stop wifey, try going with them and when gwamma gets abusive, take the children, leave the room, and let wife deal with the abuse.

Hi Two Cents, thanks for your reply and support. She is abusive 24/7... If I leave the room she just shouts... The big problem is she is our next door neighbor and there is no fence, wall or minefield, between the houses... So she just walks in and out of our house whenever she feels like it, even if we are all still in bed... Every time I hear her back door door open I get a cold sensation in my gut as I thinkshe might walk into my house... She even has a key so if I lock the door she uses that... I hid her key and she was really angry trying to find it, haha. I told my kid it was me and he thought it so funny he told his Mommy and she insisted I return the key... My current plan is to rent a nice house near the beach about five hours drive from "Grumpy Grandma" and invite my wife and kid to come and live with me there. You are right about grizzlies, haha. I really can't understand my how my wife accepts this situation.

I Have a bitter old catholic aunt that helped raise me as a child. She was better than my own biological mother but perhaps not the best example. She suffered from co-dependence, narcissism, and fear of being alone. So much so her husband molested her nieces including myself and she stayed with him while I was growing up. She is 85 years old now and has all sorts of ailments, pill popper, addicted to drama, angry, critical, overweight, mean, guilty and its eating her away. It is very hard to witness and watch. It breaks my heart. I am loving and gentle with her. She can't even give back a loving hug. I can tell she suffers from depression as well. She lives in a house full of men some are relatives that can barely pay the rent or not all. She gives her money away to random people that befriend her. She takes me for granted and talks behind my back. I forgive her. She is jealous of me. Sucks. We are very different people with not much in common so that is also challenging. A part of me has a hard time letting go because it's all the love I ever had as a child. Yet logically, tell myself I am grown up now and untouchable. To this day I tolerate all her antics and bad humor. I don't argue with her because she has highblood pressure. And the last thing I want is to be blamed for her death because I decided to give it to her and send her to h*ll. Because deep down inside I've rehearsed it a million times in my head. So I'm writing . To be heard and to learn from all of you here. I am listening to Pink Floyd "breathe in the air" right now and it's helping me release all this sadnness & anger I feel inside. Luckily I am not bitter or broken. I see the glass half full. I naturally hold a happy deposition. Give a lot of love and receive it equally. Happily married, great friendshealthy, strong, and charismatic. You would never guess walking down the street. I feel grateful overall. It's a mental challenge I can overcome. Grateful because I've learned life is all about perspective and it will show in your old age.