How do you deal with mean and miserable old lady?

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I hate even calling her that but there are no other words to describe her. We decided to move her in with us after an auto accident and she is beyond mean to the kids (ages 8 & 10), DH and myself and she is my mother. She is 85 and still wants to drive which I think is part of the problem since we told her not until she would need to get hearing aids which of course she wants no part of. She is constantly yelling and I think part of it is not hearing what is being said to her. I told her she could gladly leave and go elsewhere but she doesn't want to do that either. I have spoken to her family care doctor who says other than the hearing issue and problems with her wrist from the accident she is healthy as a horse and unfortunately we cannot force her to get hearing aids. I have suggested she go to Senior Centers just to get around othes her own age but she wants no part of that either. I am not sure what we can do to try and make her happy but I am about at my wits end in trying and totally losing it with her. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. TIA

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Palmtrees has some excellent advice. If your mother was always self-centered like this, there's likely not much you can do but arrange for her to live elsewhere.

If she used to be a nice person and has changed drastically, she may be physically healthy as far as her general doctor can see, but she should have a neurological checkup. From what you say, even getting her there could be an issue but you could try. If you don't tell her that this is for her mental health you may have a better chance of getting her to the appointment.

If that's not the issue, then you need to change the situation. We can't force competent people to do things, however you are not bound to keep her in your home. Her treatment of your children makes this unwise long-term. Maybe you can tell her that since she is so unhappy with you it's time for her to find another place to live. Tell her you'll arrange things if she doesn't want to be in on choosing where to live. They do it.

I know this is all hard but think how hard it will be if this goes on for years. You mother could destroy your family.
Take care and please let us know how things are going.
For starters, you can't make her happy. She chooses the behavior for whatever reason. I would look into assisted living since she is so noncompliant about getting a social life.

My mother is 84 and she is a walking, breathing pity party. Refuses any social contact with other seniors and whines non stop about herself.

If you look back to your mother's behavior before aging and ailments and see a similar pattern, well she is just being more of herself. There is no way I would allow her to yell at my young children. For their sake, make other arrangements for her. She won't change. And your children deserve peace in their home.
Sometimes there are goals that trump mom being happy. How about mom being safe? Safe from others and herself, especially if there are neuro issues going on. There are so many flavors of senior housing out there now it's just amazing. Independent 55+ communities all the way to 24/7 assisted living with all kinds of services on site. A lot of our folks only know about the old-fashioned nursing home that scares them, and it's not like that anymore. There are all kinds of price ranges too, and it does NOT come out of your money.

My mom is quite toxic to be around due to personality disorders she's had her entire life plus dementia and a host of medical issues. She lived with us for a little less than a month and we were all near suicidal by the end. She had to go.

I found a place for her, took her on a tour, and asked her which apartment she preferred. Did the paperwork right there, and waited to find out her move-in date. She's been there ever since. Happy is not a goal for her. She wouldn't be happy in the penthouse in Heaven. She's safe, she doesn't have to cook, clean, do laundry, or anything really but get up and get dressed. We can visit when it works out for all of us.

To make the situation change, you are going to have to be assertive and cause the changes to happen. Welcome to the club. There's a lot of us in here. :-)
We feel responsible for taking care of our parents and you have done your part. She is damaging your children with her meanness and unless you move her out, you will have huge problems with the kids. Tell the healthy horse to find another pasture. Take her on tours of senior apartments or ALF. She can pay for it with her SS/pension and help from the VA if she was married to a wartime veteran.
Stop trying to make her happy. You can't do it and it's only going to drive you nuts. And if she continues to be mean to your children I agree that an AL would be better suited for her. You don't open up your house to someone out of the goodness of your heart then allow them to treat your children badly.
Thanks for the responses...........And my kids is the main reason I am even doing this........My main concern now is getting her to leave the house which is not going to b an easy task and she has pretty much indicated she is staying put til she is gone........and honestly who knows how long that will be. I am in contact with her primary care doctor and am hoping that she will be able to help me out but I am sure I am going to have a fight ahead of me as she is a stubborn set in her ways old woman..........
Hi People, I found this site because I needed to blow off some steam... My Mother in law is a really nasty piece of work and unfortunately my wife thinks we have an obligation to put up with her constant complaining. Well I read all the above comments and agree that when this affects small kids, in my case my 9 year old son then it is time to take action and move to another city! I see my son crying with frustration and it wrenches my heart. Not to mention that I am under stress from the constant nagging. I would move out this minute if it were not for my son. So all of you in this situation you must take action to preserve the happiness of your children. Their rights come first. When I was small I suffered with an extremely abusive father and now I look at my mother with no love or respect as I can't understand how she allowed this to happen. So don't think your kids will understand when they get older, they won't. TAKE ACTION ASAP. Either put her in a home or move away and allow your kids to have a happy childhood.
Thanks for your post it made me laugh which I seriously need right now.........and you are right on the nose with the stick of dynamite :):)
one word: evict
If Mom is competent (in the legal sense) you won't be able to get guardianship, and you won't be able to tell her where to live. BUT you certainly can determine who lives in your house.

You may actually have to go through eviction proceedings -- even if she isn't paying rent. Look into what the entails in your community. You will have to give her written notice of a certain length of time so do not leave leave this until the last minute.

I hope that when she sees you are serious and that she cannot live there until the end she will accept your offer of help finding her a suitable arrangement, but even if she refuses your help and refuses to look herself, you need to move forward with the eviction. If she is totally uncooperative, I would notify APS.

This is going to be extremely hard on you. Who wants the sheriff showing up to remove their mother? But you need to do this for your children, your marriage, and your sanity.

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