I have not talked to my Mother in over five months. She has lied to me over and over again. How do I deal with her lying and preferential treatment to my brother?

madge: The world just does not want to believe that a parent can be toxic...especially when they become old and white-haired. Our natural reaction is to "forgive and forget." However, constant emotional abuse is not acceptable from anyone. If you told counselors about a distant, non-caring, lying, passive/aggessive spouse their advice would be to protect your own mental health. But when it is a parent who is the perpetrator, we envoke the "honor thy parent" rule.
If distance from your Mom is what you need right now, so be it. She has already distanced herself. However be prepared for a phone call when she becomes ill and needs YOUR help. Decide now how you will handle that scenario now. Be armed with assistance for her, but do not take her into your home. (I've seen this so often.)
Don't let anyone "guilt" you into feeling the way they feel. They may have a different relationship with her. Do none of this out of vindictiveness...I have never ascribed to the "eye for and eye" philosphy.
I do not know if you will regret stopping communications with her in the long run. But, for now, you need the peace, she is able to take care of herself, and it will give you a chance to figure out what relationship you want with her on YOUR terms.
My Mom has selective memory, too. She does this to start an argument with me or get me frustrated. Then she is happy because someone is as miserable as she is. If you begin communicating with your Mom, set ground rules. When she starts the lies, disengage. Say, "Mom, I would love to chat, but there is someone at the door." It is a calm little fib that still sends the message that her words are inappropriate. It also relieves her of an audience. But you need to do this EVERY time. It won't change her behavior, but she will have to find another venue for her negativity.
You deserve a good life, you are a good person, and you are an adult separate from your mother. Take charge and live guilt free.

Madge, the further information you provided in your second post puts a different light on the situation. The "water under the bridge" is not just recent concern about who has POA. It goes back to childhood. And you are not seriously asking for advice about what to do, you are just venting.

It is truly painful and sad that you do not have a loving mother. Vent away! And do what you have to do to protect yourself from a toxin in your life.

Something that I did RIGHT...I know we always feel guilty about what we did wrong. My parents were divorced when I was 4. My dad didn't pay child support and when we did see him every few years, he was drunk. About 15 years ago, we got a call that he was dying and needed care. He moved to the area and I spent the following 5 years shopping for him, taking him to appointments, cleaning- you know the drill. He didn't appreciate a thing and was very demanding. Everyone
told me I was nuts and didn't owe him anything. He died 10 years ago and I never got the love or even an apology that I deserved. But you know what? I did what was right for me and I can feel proud of myself for that. It wasn't easy, but in the end, we have our self respect and less regrets. Now, Im taking care of my mom with alzheimers. Maybe I needed to remind myself of that story, to get thru it this time. It sure didn't get any easier. Good luck to you Madge!

I agree that it would be best to tell the people that pass on the gossip that you don't want to hear anything anymore. It's all just lies so why put yourself through hearing them? All you might want to hear from your brother and from your friend, "Ann", about your mother is if she is drastically ill or something to that effect. Do what is best for YOU. Your mom seems to be doing fine and your brother, who doesn't know who to believe (!!!), can do what he wants with his mother but he shouldn't be telling you what YOU should do. Now, go have a good life with your husband!! :-)

So you haven't talked to Mom in 5 months. How's that working for you? I guess you are not satisfied with it or you wouldn't be posting here.

You did a foolish thing in complaining to your parents about your marriage problems. OK. You were young and you're human. Forgive yourself and move on from that.

If your mother is truly lying to you, she is behaving badly. If she is honestly remembering things incorrectly, she is being human and elderly. Either way it is painful for you. An in-person heart-to-heart with her on this topic might pave the way to forgiving her.

Each person needs to assign a POA and a medical proxy. If there are two equally suitable candidates, they still need to pick one. If she put you in charge of finances, would your brother then complain that he was equally qualified and why didn't he get the assignment? Hubby and I have 5 kids. Ain't no way we are giving POA to 5 people. It would be utter chaos. If you have a good relationship with your brother he can get your input when decisions have to be made.

You may be justified in feeling betrayed and lied to. You may be justified in severing ties with you mother. But would you rather be "right" or be on reasonably good terms with your mother? What would really make you feel better?

It is not true that you can't call your mother because there is too much water under the bridge. You choose not to call her. That is your choice to make. It doesn't seem to be making you happy, though. Perhaps it is time to try another choice.

Having gone down this road with both my parents and with the relative I am currently caring for, I think the best thing to do is to follow what your husband says...disengage. She will most likely never see what she has done to you or maybe she doesn't think she has done anything wrong. She has a debt to you that she can never repay in the rejection. The past is closed to both of you so there is nothing she can ever do to fix this. I'm pretty sure there is not much you can say or do that will change any of that.

You can't control her, but you can control yourself, and exposing yourself to the toxic relationship. Even so I recommend the high road with disengagement which is what I did and am doing. I think you can remember birthdays with cards/and or flowers and send get well cards/flowers if needed. There are cards out there that are kind, well-wishing cards and don't involve you telling lies about how you feel about her personally. If your brother is POA and or executor/trustee, let him do it.

If you are not geographically close then send a note once a month updating your mom on your family and extended family...just positive newsy stuff. If she likes a special food you can send it.

If she is geographically close then decide on a calling OR visiting thing but limit it. If you bring someone with you that would limit her feeling comfortable to disrespect you by yelling or cutting you down, then bring that person...maybe a relative. If you feel calling/visiting is too toxic for you, older people like to get mail so send nice notes about how you and the family are doing or drop of favorite foods/dinners every now and then.

Looking to the future, if the time comes for her to get a higher level of care, and your brother brings it up, tell him to do what he thinks is best--but be clear that best will not include you in giving her direct care, POA, executor or anything financial. Given the toxic relationship I would keep the responsibility ball in his court. You can give disengaged positive support, but nothing that will expose you to unmitigated toxic exposure to her.

You will never regret taking the high road of giving someone grace: unmerited, undeserved kindness, favor and good will. While she has chosen to reject and to disrespect you and the family, you can choose to show her undeserved kindness. As I am currently taking care of a difficult relative, I know how very hard it is to maintain the high road. But in the long term, the high road will protect you from any regret and will leave the way open for her to have a change of heart if that ever happens.

I understand- I had a toxic mom - and she refused to care of our dad - who I might add took care of her for years- with all her imagined illness 's . To keep what sanity I had left I had to distance myself from her-funny thing she is fine up and around and giving orders to her home health and her church friends who run all her errands. She had me and dad changing her bed pans -now we all realixe that for those 20 to 30 years she wasn't that ill.

Of course you will feel regret but if you did go over wouldn;t you just subject your self to more abuse ? There isn't an easy answer and I have no peace either way. My mother is a toxic person who abused me as a child and an adult -I m still trying to come to terms with it -

And rereading your first post, it is terribly unfair and hurtful when a parent favors one child over another. I am in that situation also. I had to really work on toning down my expectations of my parents because that situation has never changed and the only person who was getting hurt by it was me. So to take care of myself I changed my expectations and found comfort in relationships with my other relatives and friends who truly value me. Given the history you might have to do that too...change your expectations in order to take care of you and your heart.

madge, I had a similar relationship with my dad. I was very ok with finally "divorcing" him, and putting much needed distance between us. It was others that tried to make me feel bad, feel guilty.. The man lived to be 98 yrs. old, was miserable everyday of his life, had no friends,was afraid I would want or need some of his precious money. It is a sad statement to our relationship, or lack of, that this past Father's Day, I did not even think of him, someone mentioned it was Father's Day and I felt nothing... So you do what you need to do. As someone stated earlier, if it was a spouse they would be telling you to leave...and I do understand that just because they are our parents does not mean there is automatic love there... As a child I was powerless over things, today I am an adult and get to choose who is in my world. I rarely had anything to do with him his last years. He was in Assisted Living, and if I went there and he got stupid , I left... And yes I have had all the guilt trip lectures about he did the best he could, blah, blah, blah, but the fact remains, I did not have to be abused to have a parent... I could volunteer to be an orphan...I was, and still am a better person for not continuing to try and fix something I never broke in the first place...So take care of yourself, follow your heart and your gut and set yourself free from phoney obligations.... life is too short.. hugs to you.

Yup. Love them unconditionally. Forgive them. Don't judge them. And stay the heck out of harm's way, by distancing yourself as far as you need to for emotional and mental health.