When elderly parents live with their adult children who are their caregivers, and are disrespectful towards them and their friends. My mom who is 82 was living in Massachusetts on her own and was feeling she needed help, so she asked if she could live with my husband and I. We agreed, since we've cared for my father in law who had dementia and also for my dad for many years. Both have since passed on. So we moved her out of state and in with us. We have one roommate renting a room from us, which we've known for over 20 years, and my mom has a room to herself.
Within the first week of living with us, she informs us that (in her own words)
" I can't stand that idiot we have as a roommate." All within ear shot of our
friend. I took her aside and asked her why she felt that way. I told her how long we have known him, and that he is an honest and trustworthy individual. I also told her that we need that room rented out and could she try to be more respectful towards him. It's been one month now and she just ignores him and gives him the cold shoulder. When we come home from an outing or a doctor appointment and she sees his work truck she says " Looks like the asshole is home". Today she had another smart ass remark and I jumped down her throat for it. She says she dislikes him because when he comes home from work he has a couple of drinks,( doesn't get drunk) and he has a sleeved tattoo.
I don't want to put her in assisted living, but since she has been with us our home is not what it use to be. Calm quiet and relaxing. Do you think there is anyway I can get this grumpy odd lady I call my mom to change her way of thinking? She calls herself a God fearing Christian, and she does her bible devotions every night in her room. I've tried to tell her that this is no way for a God fearing Christian to act and reminded her what the bible says about respecting others, all to no avail. Has anybody else had to deal with a disrespectful parent? Please help!!
There is also such a thing as too much change at one time. Human nature is to fight back.
I agree with the advice to have her go to senior living with people her own age and ability. She can have her own space the way she likes it and participate in activities intended for people her age. If she wants alone time, she can go to her apartment.
My mother could not wait to redecorate my house to the way she had hers, which is NOT the way I wanted mine. She also could not handle our hectic schedule with kids, activities, and such. She would pitch a fit if my husband & I went on a date together without her. It got worse and worse and worse because of her dementia, but needless to say, things were better when she did not live in a home that was never going to be hers or reflect her wants.
It seems to be coming on very slowly. I'd say she is fine maybe by 80% of her waking hours. And I think this is also a case of too much change at one time like sandwich42plus brought up. I have an appointment to speak with someone from our local aging and independence organization and I'm sure she will bring that up. If she doesn't, I will. As far as moving her into Assisted Living....Good idea but I'm afraid what her reaction to that would be. Especially since her cognitive decline is not that severe yet. She's only been living with us for a month, so I feel I should try to keep her here with us for awhile longer and see where it goes. If and when it comes down to putting her into assisted living I'll be able to say I did all I could. We were able to handle my father in laws dementia, before he passed away without putting him in a home, and we were also able to keep my father with us. I just need to know I gave it my best shot.
You also have to realize your Mother had moved from her *home* in Massachusetts leaving behind her memories of that place, her friends, her hairdresser, her doctors, etc. She's like a teenager who has been pulled from her friends to move with the family to a new location.... she's not a happy camper, going to grumpy, pout, and say mean things.
It seems like your Mom has her own stereotypical mindset of someone who has tattoos. Is there a reason she doesn't like someone who has a couple of drinks? Someone from the past? Someone she might had dated in her youth who broke her heart? You never know.
The additional info you've written (her believing you're snooping on her, believing your roommate is stealing from her, reporting you to police repeatedly) are all classic signs of dementia. Go to Youtube and check out Teepa Snow videos on dementia. And start reading the threads here. Your mom will only get worse, particularly if she doesn't allow you to help her.
Understand that with dementia, her paranoia and threats will continue where ever she is. Medication might help her with anxiety and the paranoia, but if she won't let anyone talk with her doctors, your hands are tied until she's in much worse shape.
I'd say call brother's bluff and get him more involved. Maybe mom will listen to him and he can come to understand that you're not doing anything wrong - that mom's brain is broken. Good luck and keep us posted on how you're doing.
The room-mate may be just fine - because its not his mom, he can probably see that mom is not coming form a logical perspective and that it is on relfection on his actual worth as a human being.
Get copies of the "unfounded" letters that you should have from APS, and send them to the siblings, along with photos of your one plant, your card, your home, and Mom sitting there glaring...as you said, they simply found it more acceptable to think you were failing her than to disbelieve her messed-up perception of things; maybe they can even get on here and be educated on what dementia is. Invite them to visit - they will be treated like gold, of course, but MIGHT be able to see at least that the situation is not inappropriate. They should have the option to take her into THEIR homes then too. There should be a comprehensive geriatric evaluation including her cognitive status that would be shared with them. to make clear what is probably already obvious, that she can't safely live on her own. You have a right to ask to be put back on the medical POA list if you are going to continue to try to care for her, and it may take someone getting a guardianship to make the whole thing reasonable.
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