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Dad moved in 2 years ago. Mom died almost 3 years ago. She did all the finances for the house and business. I took over his finances then slowly turned it back to him (sink or swim). He finally was able to get a handle on things. Pay his insurance and car expenses and entertainment. The problem is he is about $200 short each month due to his now getting out and being social. He joined a church and now is going on weekly lunches. I want him to be social but every time I turn around he is going out to dinner and lunch. It is a double edge sword. I wanted him to be social it is good for all of us but at the end of the month he is coming to me for money. He was pretty good about paying me back. Its not that I don't have it but at the end of the year I get tight on money myself (I own my own business), Between him and my kids I cant afford the dollar and hundred (nickle and dime is no more). I pay all the house expenses food etc... He was like this with mom, he would over spend then she would call me crying and there was many times I fronted them money (not paid back much but that was OK). All he has is SSI which is enough to cover his insurance and regular expenses. My sibling covered his $6000 car repair last year and also covers his smart phone. I had to front the latest car repair. It is almost like he doesn't care and its fine to ask me for a couple hundred expecting me to have it in my pocket (OK I do but that is for me). Do I go over a budget with him and tell him he has only so much a month for entertainment? I did that when he moved in. Now it is dinners and lunches out (I am not talking fast food here). I can't track all his expenses online he has taken to using cash from the ATM ( I set him up online and have all access to his accounts). I don't want to stifle his activities lord knows I want him to get out of the house but it was like this with him all along trying to keep up with the Jones's. They would go on trips and cruises and vacations and live in huge houses and buy new cars lavish on the grandchildren all while declaring bankruptcy twice. This is the reason I don't spend lavishly and due in part to my wife who grew up in an immigrant household where money was to be saved. He is not aware that I watch his spending, he just got his check and he is a like a sailor on leave...... This is worse than having kids again!

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Instead of a monthly budget, I'd give him a weekly amount. He has no concept of budgets or time, so to me, a month is too long a time. A week is a much easier concept to understand and maintain. Then if he runs out, he has a shorter time to wait until he can get more spending cash.

And you can be social without breaking the bank. He can still go and have something cheaper on the menu (I'll just have an appetizer - I'm watching my weight)...so he doesn't have to spend so much to be social. Or soft drinks instead of wine or a cocktail.

You're being a soft touch, not harsh at all! So set some limits with dad and stick to them. Good luck!
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Oh boy.

I think you know, don't you, that your father doesn't have a handle on spending. He can keep it up for a while to impress you with how responsible he's being, but as soon as he thinks you're not watching he'll be paying his 1. entertainment 2. car expenses and 3. oh dear not enough for insurance...

You're looking at a tough love scenario, I'm very much afraid: you have this much money this week/month. Run out? Too bad.

Get your sister on board and thrash out a good, structured budget for him that you both agree on, because it's going to be miserable enough without added vagueness or anybody "cheating"; but hey. Why the heck should you make all the sacrifices, just to perpetuate his terrible lifelong spending habit?

And who's he treating, by the way? Maybe remind him that real friends don't need to be impressed.
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It sounds as if you've been a pretty soft touch for quite a while. Certainly setting boundaries will seem harsh to both you and to him. But it needs to be done. After a life of lavish living, anything less will seem like deprivation.
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Thats a good point is he treating? I was lucky, my Mom knew she was having problems and let me take over. First, I would take the ATM card away and credit cards. I assume u have sat him down and explained you can't spend more than u have coming in. Maybe you r going to have to let him sink. By loaning and getting repaid he is always going to be short. Tell him no more loans. Explain again he can't spend like he is rich, he isn't. When he has no money at the end of the month, oh well,will have to do without. This is part of retirement. They become like children. Its hard but that is how they need to be treated with respect. Explain, if he doesn't pay his car insurance than he can't drive. Then u will need to take the keys and the car away. Pretend he is ur tenager.😃
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It's like you are between a rock and hard place... you want your Dad to go out and have some fun, but in the mean time he's racking up costs like the national debt.

Sounds like Dad isn't going to save for those "rainy days"... maybe stress to Dad that down the road if he needs a higher level of care, it could cost him $5k a month, so he better start saving. Or Dad might think, might as well party now in case there is no tomorrow.... [sigh].

If Dad is going to act like a kid who has no concept of money, then he needs to be treated like a kid. Time to take away the credit cards, checkbooks, saving account books, and give Dad an allowance. No more ATM machines.

That allowance will cover everything for the month.... show him a budget [if he is willing to listen and not have his eyes glaze over]. Therefore if he needs car repairs, then he will need to give up something else to help pay for it. No more you or other relatives bailing him out.
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Tgengine, I don't recall - can you control his finances? Are you proxy under a DPOA so that you could take over his accounts and institute a budget? Is anyone presenting him with a list of his expenditures so that he can see for himself his spending is out of control?

I dont' at all think you're being harsh. If he runs out of money, he'll probably expect you to pitch in.
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omg! just tell him that if he comes up short at the end of the month because he is going out to lunch so much that YOU WILL NOT BE LENDING HIM MONEY! do that a few times and see what happens.
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Have you looked at the restaurant bills? Is your dad being taken advantage of? Is he frequently treating all these "friends" to lunch?
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I want to clarify my post, the frustration comes from TG refusing to accept that he owes nothing and that he really does deserve to be praised for his efforts, despite what his relatives and inner conscience try to have him believe. He has done more than enough to earn their respect, the reality seems to be that dad is a perpetual child who will never change and the sibs will probably never give him his due either. So please TG, stop tying yourself in knots trying to please them, you are an amazing son!!
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I am not sure that is it my frustration to to accept that I owe nothing, it is more of reality. It was reality that my dad didn't have enough money to live on his own nor take care of himself. It was reality that my siblings if pressed would have helped a bit but are fine with me taking on the bulk of the care. It was reality that my dad while a generous man is in someways self centered. I am not a neophyte in this situation it was just reality that I have voluntarily put myself into this situation. The frustration is that my father has put himself in this situation without preparing for the future and allowing others to manage it for him. It is my frustration that he does at times thank us for our help but at a moments notice will tell everyone that I don't let him do anything and that I gave away all his tools and wont let him climb a ladder (the words he used in-front of my friends this week). I finally had to let off some steam and raise my voice that was not the truth and stop telling people that. I know his life is upside down but yet so is mine. It is just frustrating when he tells people the things he wants them to hear. Apparently he has plans to visit home next month (has not told me yet). I guess I will let him do what ever and hope it works for the best. Later this month my child and spouse are moving in until they find a place to live..... this should be fun..... I am excited that they are moving back home for work, it will be interesting on how it all goes....... Yes, I did put a 30 day limit on it.
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