My controlling 81-year-old father makes me check in with him where ever I go. How do I tell him that I am an adult and that he doesn’t have to worry about me?

deedee: welcome to this forum...lots of good advice and caring people here. Your dad is continuing his "alcoholic behaviors" even though he is older and, apparently, no wiser. You are returning to the "victim" role which is quite common.

Was it your decision to move in with them? Is there an alternative: moving out, but living nearby, having a paid in-home caregiver come in a few days a week so you can get some "me time", finding an assisted living center in your town?....there are other ways of caring for your family, you do not have to live with an abusive father. You owe them a safe and comfortable environment and that is it.

For now, when you go out, do not "call in." Turn off your cell phone. If there is a true emergency, I am sure they both know how to dial 911. Do not "rush around" just so dad is happy.

Let the passive/aggressive behavior roll off your back if you can. If it starts to diminish your spirit, my advice is to start looking for another place to live. Please do not think that, out of obligation, you need to put up with this. Just reading your note made me sad - I couldn't stand it for a day!

Please take care of yourself, value yourself, and get out of there....just my opinion....Lilli

Sigh. Here it is again. YOU feel guilty because your FATHER did bad things. Guilt is such a simple concept. How do we humans (the only animal with a conscience or a need for one, as far as I know) get this so screwed up? :)

Here is how it is supposed to work: You do something bad. You feel bad about it, a special kind of bad we call guilt. You make ammends/and or resolve not to repeat the action and/or clean up your act. Life is better. Simple, eh?

But we complicate it by carrying around guilt we don't deserve. Often this guilt was planted by persons exploiting our vulnerability such as when we were children or when we are going through difficult stresses. However it gets there, we didn't earn it and the natural course of repenting and moving on doesn't work.

Here we go again. Your dad does something bad, or at least inappropriate, expecting you to report in to him. Your dad does something else bad by childishly not speaking and trying to push your guilt buttons. And YOU feel guilty and obligated to make things right. What's wrong with this picture? :) :)

Stand your ground. Jettison the irrational guilt. You can do it (and life will be better)!

DD:

Poor guy feels like he owns you, and every "check in" reinforces that behavior. Give them both the heads up before stepping out, and leave the cell # in case of emergency. (He'll probably dial it a few times just to send you on a guilt trip. Answer the first 2 calls, put it on vibrate afterwards.) If he gives you lip and attitude when you come back, don't feel you have to explain where, why, and what you did.

My mother used to emotionally blackmail me with the "I worry about you," "You could've been dead on the side of the road and I'd have never known," and "I love you and want you to be safe." Crock. ... The old Duchess of Discipline just wanted me at her beckoned call, and insisted I checked in too. ... Every hour on the hour. Of course I got sick of it after a while. And even sicker when she started interrupting my full-service Saturday night dates. "Where are you?," "What are you doing?," "Who's that trifling trick in the background?," "Do I know her?," "I'm worried sick," blah, blah, blah. ... So I told her to get used to it. Indignant, she said "I'm sorry I called," and I answered "Next time you better be dying, or moving out."

DD, I'm not suggesting you do what I did. But a line needs to be drawn if you're to have a life outside caregiving. He'll keep trying to erase it while you struggle to find a balance between asserting your rights as a grown woman and pleasing them as you've done since you were a little girl.

Don't argue with him. Just ask him if he respects you. If he really did, you wouldn't be going through all this stress and aggravation.

Wish you the best my friend.

-- Ed

I'm a paid caregiver. I cared for a gentleman who was this demanding - drove everyone crazy! But I got a lot of insight at a training recently. This kind of behavior can be brought on by grief. Your father MAY be grieving his loss of one or more things: Freedom, physical abilities, decision-making, mental capacity... So, while it's torture to go through, thinking of some of the process going on inside of HIM might make it a little easier. I wish I'd known this when I was so angry with the Colonel that I quit doing overnight shifts. Even though your dad is giving you the silent treatment now, I'm sure it won't last. When he speaks (is it the "whoever speaks first loses thing???) you can use the strength you get from others on this site to speak up for yourself and not feel guilty!!!

First of all your dad knows you're grown up, so that's not the problem. Ask him exactly WHAT he wants to know, and WHY he thinks after all these years he needs to know your every move. Is it because he's afraid something will happen to you, then what happens to him as a result? If it were me, I'd be sitting them both down and talking about this. Maybe your mom can shed some light on it too.

Is he trying to make up for being neglectful during his alcoholic years? Is he, as naheton suggests, worried about what will happen to him if something happens to you? (If you are going to be in a car accident, you are going to be in a car accident, whether you are supposed to call me or not. This short leash he tries to have you on is not preventing anything, of course. It is just distressing you.) Is he just a controlling person?

Whatever his reason, this isn't healthy, so I'm glad you stopped it. He can pull the shade down. He can pout. He can give you the silent treatment. He doesn't want to listen to further explanation because he knows what you meant and he probably knows you are right, but he still wants his way. Sorry Dad. It's not going to happen.

Do not back down. Sure, try a "sit them both down" discussion. Maybe Mom's contribution will help smooth things over. But make it clear that you are not checking in when you leave the house. Whether Dad speaks to you or not, go about your business cheerfully. Act as if you hardly notice that he is in a snit. If he changes from silence to trying to argue with you, don't get sucked into an argument. You are not checking in and that is the way it is. It is a condition of your being in their home to help them out. It is not negotiable.

Draw the line now. If he gets away with this who knows what irrational control he'll try to put in place next?

Let us know how it goes.

I read that you had a "sit down" with them... Good for you...just two thoughts I want to leave with you..one, when we were children we were victims, as adults we "volunteer" to be victims unless we set boundaries... which you did!!!, Two, courage does not mean we are not afraid, it means we do it anyway... then we also acquire more courage and self confidence.. which you did!!!!!!
It is so refreshing to see someone post, ask for some guidance, and then follow thru... I am very proud of you deedee, keep up the healthy path you are on... You take care of yourself.... hugs across the miles..

jeanne - agreed! I have had adult shildren living with me and would never expect them to account for their comings and goings other that that required by common courtesy or as you mention, safety. Controlling behaviour is common with alcoholics and personality disorders. Ed - I can relate - my mother did that kind of this to me - my way of dealing with her was to ignore the many, many, many phone calls or even now - up to 20+ emails day. It is very intrusive. deedee you come across as a very caring person working to achieve a balance in your life. I commend you for what you are doing - including setting healthy boundaries. Give yourself a pat of the back. You are doing well!!! Blessings Joan

I feel so blessed by all of your comments and helpful guidance. You are all angels and thank you so much. Update since my "sitdown": Another good day. Went to the grocery store this morning, asked Dad if he needed anything....made my list and shopped peacefully without him calling or feeling the "pressure" to check in. It's a great day!!! Hugs to all of you!!!!!

deedee, am so happy to hear your "sit down" was so successful.. You sound happier, and I feel Dad will be too, you are a sweetheart and I pray for you to continue standing strong on this part of your journey... hugs across the miles...