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I am the "absent" caregiver - I live 600 miles away from my mom who is dying of cancer (liver, pancreas, colon, intestinal) and only has, at best, a few weeks left. My three siblings are her caregivers because they all live within 100 miles of mom and can split the time amongst themselves and their children. I am a single working mother solely responsible for my son's financial well-being, have my own business (so I can't just take paid vacation time), and I am struggling financially. My car needs major repair to top it off. Recently, My fiancée, son and I went to visit my mom for a few days. When I walked in, mom made me cry because she said, "Oh, oh. . . .it smells like Lynn is here." I have a very special distinct perfume and she smelled it as soon as I walked into the door. We had such a sweet visit, but about four hours into it, my mom asked me to leave because she was afraid my one sister was "about to lose it" and she also told me that she didn't want me calling her regularly from now on because every time she hangs up after I call, there is "drama and commotion". I apologized for the pain that caused her and I left her with a hankie covered in my perfume so she would always know I was with her. I was so afraid that my sisters would wash it as soon as mom fell asleep so she would not have it any longer.

I know there is A LOT of anger and resentment from all three of my siblings toward me - they are NOT quiet about it with other family members and it all comes around to me eventually, even through my other three adult children. I have tried to get my siblings to talk to me about what is happening so that I can explain my circumstances, but all they do is yell at me about how I am unloving, selfish, and hateful because I won't drop everything and move in with mom and take care of her for them.

You see, up until a few years ago, I was married (to an abusive husband), a stay at home mom who DID jump whenever mom needed help or whenever they demanded I run. I WOULD drive 600 miles to do whatever was needed - in fact I was going almost every other month to mom's. I also had better finances and was able to pay mom's bills when she forgot to pay them. We even went shopping a number of times for food because she was low on money and food. They are all used to me being able to just drop everything at their every demand. I cannot do that any more due to my circumstances.

I am going through my own mourning and struggle right now, and not just because of my mom's illness and impending death - I can't call my mom without running the risk of being hung up on, I can't talk to my mom whenever I want because whomever is there will cause trouble after we hang up and then mom doesn't want to talk next time I call. I am hurting so much inside because the only connection I have is by phone and they are taking that from me. I am the only spiritual one in the family and mom USUALLY likes to talk to me about God because I am the only one who understands her needs in this area.

I will confess, I have not been a perfect angel and have gotten very angry on several occasions and let some of them have it because of what they say and do. It has not helped - and in fact only served to make me appear more selfish and "unstable", according to one sibling.

Noone seems to see how I feel - my mom won't be here for my son's in a couple years, she won't be here for my wedding next year, or to see how successful my business is becoming. I won't be able to take her to Hungary or Italy like we dreamed. I am so torn and hurting inside and my siblings only seem to want to strike out and hurt me more.

Soon I know they will start asking about her funeral - at this point I have decided that I do not wish to go. My fiancée has said we should have a special memorial service here, at our home and at one of the places mom used to love to visit. He said that might be better emotionally. Even my son does not want to go - he said he got to say goodbye when we visited and that is enough. If I go to the funeral, even to try to be there for my adult daughters and my granddaughter, it is going to be a mess!!! I will get flipped off by at least one niece, I will get accosted by at least two sisters, and my other relatives will certainly not want me there. I wish I could do more - financially and physically for my mom, but the best I can do is be here for her spiritually. She says I love you each time I call, she says she misses me so very much and wishes I were there, but she also says she understands and to take care of my son for her. She even apologized for not meeting my fiancée sooner and for not being able to come to give me away next year.

Please feel free to ask any questions or play devil's advocate. I don't mind - I am just so lost and confused at this point. ANy ideas???

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They also may think that you're no longer married, therefore, you can spend more time with mom while they have some 'vacation' time from caregiving. You have your own business, they don't. So, as the boss/owner, you can set your own rules, leave the company with capable hands and come visit mom for a longer time. They did all the hard work caregiving, cleaning, caring for mom. Yet you come, waltz in, and then waltz out. I'm not saying that is what I believe. But from your siblings point-of-view. And everyone else. (When my dad became bedridden 2 years ago, I now had 2 bedridden parents. Everyone assumed that I would quit my job to take care of them 24/7. Even the govt caregivers. I said over and over that I cannot quit my job. That we are not independently wealthy. We still have bills to pay. They understood. But a minute there, I felt I was being judged by them because I refuse to quit my job.)

I agree about the short time you spent with your mom. It's darn if you and darn if you don't. You stay longer, your sibs will throw a ruckus. You cut it short, and you miss out on sharing more time with your mom.

You need to figure out what it is you really want in life. What you really feel about your mom's eventual death. Are you finding excuses to avoid spending the last few weeks with your dying mom? If it's too hard for you, maybe it's time to go back to visit mom. And have a heart-to-heart talk with her. Tell her of your feelings and fears. And say your goodbyes - if you have no plans to visit her again because your sisters will throw a hissy fit. Up to you. Do what you know you can live with. No regrets.

And Lynn, you can also see it from your mom's viewpoint. She won't be here to see you marry, to see her grandkids grow, graduate and marry. But I think, if you do that heart-to-heart talk with her, you can tell her that you will miss her for your wedding, etc.... I don't know... I see your side, I see your siblings side, and I feel bad for your mom. Just do what you can live with.
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I will admit this- which I never did to anyone - here at home and here at agingcare. When my mom was dying last year, I almost did not want to tell my siblings who live in the mainland. I spent 23 yrs helping dad caregive mom. We have asked repeatedly for help from my 7 siblings. Father gave up - said he hates begging. Those 4 siblings told me that they want to come home for mom's Funeral - for closure.

So, when my friends here on AC told me that my mom was close to the end, I debated for a while. I wanted to wait until mom died and then tell my siblings that now they can come home to attend mom's funeral. In the end, I knew that I could not live with myself if I did not tell them - so that they can drop everything and fly ASAP to say their goodbyes with mom. All but 1 made it.

Then there was mom's siblings. I can count with both hands how many times they visited mom in over 13 years. I asked my siblings if we should call mom's siblings to let them know she's dying. We all voted No. Aunts/Uncles would have been like Your Siblings - all trying to rule and take over. I still feel bad that mom's own sister/brother did not say their goodbyes. But, I just have to remind myself how Rarely they visited mom, their own sister. Then I don't feel bad.

Like I said, I see both parties' side.
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This is so very sad. Trying to write about my thoughts is really difficult. What is that old saying, about you have the right side, the left side and then the "reality" lies somewhere in the middle......I don't know...Family is so complicated. All the hurt, all the baggage, all the heartache that has followed, and attached itself to you, to us all, that is now such a huge part of who we are....I see both sides.

The main issue right now, is what does your Mother need and what do you need to get through this journey together. Are there things you need and want to tell her that may be left unsaid? Tell her..find a way...Are there things she needs from you that will help her let go of this life in a peaceful way......What matters most now is peace...it would be preferable if that peace could be achieved by all of you together, but why, at these times in life, it seems almost impossible for people to be civil with one another...has always been hard for me to understand. I have been on the receiving end on the night before my Daddy's death of being cursed and threatened to be beaten up by a SIL who was angry that my Daddy's death was getting in the way of her beach vacation....I have also been on the giving end of not wanting to let a sibling come to the house because their very presence ticked me off to the point where I wanted to let them have it verbally but in the end, what truly mattered with my Daddy, is Daddy never heard the threat....and he passed peacefully at home surrounded by ALL of us....and Hospice helped with that, keeping the attitudes at bay with their social worker.....and my sibling does visit, because I know Mama needs him as much as she needs me...so it is not about me, but about Mama. How do you do it? One of the hardest things in the world to know....How do you put aside the anger, the hurt, sometimes even the "vow for eternal revenge against those who abandoned me and Mama (me as the caregiver here) ....but if you can find a way to put aside the hurt, the anger and the resentment long enough to help your Mom pass in a peaceful way....the funeral issue.....I don't know...for me, it has always been about How did I treat the person when they were HERE...because it surely does not matter once they are gone...UNLESS YOU need to be there for yourself? if you do, you have a right to be there. I am rambling...for that I apologize...the main thing I am trying to say is that what matters and what will help you Mom pass peacefully I think is to somehow put aside the drama...both sides...others have given such excellent advice...this is a very difficult situation, and not unlike so many of ours.....just different folks involved....try to find peace..try to help your Mom find peace between you and her...and when you have done all you can do...you will know ....in your heart...you did all you could...and that will help you move forward. The rest of it can be worked out...or not....after.
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Lynn, there is certainly a lot of pain youare feeling right now over the impending loss of your mom. But your siblings are iin pain too. Reading between the lines...a 4 hour visit with a terminal cancer patient? Most people who are very ill need short visits with time to rest. Is it possible your mom was using your sisters as an excuse to get a little break from what sounds like an intense time. With regard to hospice workers, do you have medical poa or HIPAA authority to get this information? Medical professionals are generally not cleared to give details in phone conversations. I would think also the doctor didn't "cut off her prescriptions"rather they've been discontinued due to hospice protocol. I could be dead wrong about all this, but I think it might help if you try to take the perspective of some of the others here.
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They know you're divorced, right? So, they know your situation has changed. You really don't need to tell them more. They don't care. That's a harsh reality, but I've had a similar situation. Some people are just always angry because they can't have their way. And their way, usually includes deciding how others live their lives.
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This reminds me of the story of someone I know. He and his wife had a critically ill child. The married couple had been fighting with each other for years. One day the man quit his job, then flew across country to be with a woman he talked to on the computer. He left wife and children. He tried occasionally to visit, but there were always the fights with the wife. The children continued to live in dread of all the drama.

Finally, the little girl was dying. When she was lying in the hospital, the father came back. The egos of the man and ex-wife were so strong that they couldn't even stop fighting then. Finally the little girl said, "Daddy, just leave and don't come back." It isn't that she didn't love the man who had walked out on them. She was just tired of all the drama.

Lynn, your mother may feel this way. She may love all of you, but she is just too sick to deal with the drama. You and your sisters need to come to an understanding without her being pulled into it. I don't know the history from all sides of this situation, but your mother needs peace. How your mother feels is the most important. Write a letter or send emails to your sisters to see if you can heal some of the hard feelings between you without pulling your mother into it. I hope that there is some healing for all of you.
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I suspect that the Dr. cut off her medications because your mom entered hospice. Hospice takes care of the medications.

I don't know why your entire family hates you but once your mom passes away you'll never have to talk to them again. I think it's a shame that you won't be at her funeral. And I think it's a shame that if you were to go to the funeral other people would act out and behave badly. We ARE talking about adults here, right?
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There's probably years of sisterly discord prior to Mom's illnesses that are turboing under the stress and pain of losing mom. The mother of a friend of mine was slipping away - she had about two months. She was perfectly aware and alert. So when the family all gathered, she heard it all. The fighting between siblings, grandchildren. Finally, one of her kids called everyone together, away from Mom's hearing and ripped into them. He said that they needed to check their battles, arguments, etc. at the door before they entered Mom's house, and that unless and until they could behave like adults around Mom, they were to stay out. He told them that they had to work together to take care of Mom. Because it's all about Mom. They did, and Mom was able to savor her time with her family. At the funeral, a friend read a letter that she dictated to her friend. She talked about her life, her love of her family and even included a little note to a particular daughter to work with her siblings because they were now all that was left. My husband and I are the intown kids for my inlaws and my mom. We know the other kids and grandkids have lives and can't just drop everything for the long trip home. But for me, it's been about attitude. One sib calls me often, check on health of parent, calls our parent regularly, sends parent little gifts (nothing major, cards, candy), ASKS how she can help and follows thru. Another sib rarely calls to check on parent, even after the parent has been seriously ill, rarely calls parents, never asks how to help - has an attitude of " you have it all covered, you call me if something changes. I have a life to get back to." As to the funeral, you could try what I plan to do with a few family members when my mom passes - hold up my hand, tell them that I will not disrespect my mother by engaging in an argument at her memorial, and walking away from them.
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Lynn, one question for you (a really hard one, but just the one). Looking back over your relationship with JUST your mother, do you think SHE feels that you have failed her in any way?
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I dont know but sounds to me that they must feel you werent there for them or your mum so i can relate to thier anger. My sister hasnt seen mum in 3yrs and never asks about her if she comes visiting when mum delclines i will do everything in my power to see she does not get to see mum and my mum does not want her near her shes never helped out ever we are not too happy about her coming to the funeral but i wouldnt stop her i want to see her sorry face when its all too late.
Sorry im not judging you as i dont know the ins and outs but the only reason i can think of your sisters anger towards you is they feel you were not much help in the past also the fact that the nurses and staff and cold with you aswell tells me its not just your sisters? My sister will be banned from seeing mum if she goes into a NH and thats agreed by me and my other siblings.
I dont know what to say but do you feel you were a huge help to them in caring for mum did they get respite did you helpout? you have to ask yourself these questions and see thier point.
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