How can I deal with the anger that I get from my mother treating me like a child and second guessing me all of the time?

I bought a tiny punching bag at Bed.BathBeyond. I have carpal tunnel so can't do much but it really helps to punch something hard,
Do you ever have respite so you could walk or run or some other expert,Probably if you get repite you have to get groceries and do errans but just a thought.
Does your Mom qualify for any help in her home?

I am also caring for my mother who has been in progressive stage for nine years now..It's a very difficult thing to do..I have her in her own home and have only one caregiver to relieve me for part of the day during the week, other than that I am the primary caregiver. I have no family members to help out..I do however have a wonderful support system in my friends, It is so important to have emotional support. But I still feel alone and shut off from the world and we are now beginning to have finacial problems..I don't have all the answers, what you are doing is courageous and should be admired. I'll can say is to continue to reach out and find support for yourself during these difficult times..If I come up with more info I will share.

Kathie, Listen to Crowe - he has been there and done that! Great posting!
My dad is a control freak who gave up! So there is some hope. Seriously, when the dr at the hospital suggested he go to the nursing home for rehab, we had our guns ready to fire. And he said, OKAY - nearly 3 years later and he's bossing the staff around instead of me. Answers come in weird ways sometimes. Know you are tired - we have been there and done that - all of us... some more than others. Luckily, I haven't had to deal with too much. Oh, and dad still thinks he's in control.

eddiedones,
Fear can come out as anger. Loss of control can come out as anger.
You have your frustrations and she has hers. If she was not evil before... it may be a question of communication. She still thinks she is the mom & that may never change. She thinks she knows better but that may not be true. In her eyes you may still be that child and she won't trust you until you show her otherwise.
Talk to her intelligently as an adult & give her a say in the decision making (options). Another caregiver gave me the love&logic.com website. Elders have much in common with children in the empowerment department. Check the testimonials there and see if maybe you can approach this differently. It helped me and I hope it helps you.
Hope for the best & believe. God be with you.

Kathie,

It sounds like you and your brothers have reached the level of compassion fatigue and you are not a bad person for wishing for her death.

Who if anyone has medical POA? It would help greatly in contacting her doctor. Tell them what is going on and request for an order for home health care which will make part of the cost payable via medicare. Now given that you have told us that she is a total control person, I can tell you that she's not going to like this, but this is an extreme case where you and your siblings have burned out to the point where you're even burned out with each other. Extreme situations call for extreme actions. Next, I would ask the doctor to evaluate your mother and maybe even write an order for her to go to nursing home. It will be better if the doctor plays the heavy. Also, ask the doctor to evaluate her competency to make her own business decisions and get a noterized statement to that effect. With that in had and a medical POA, one should be able to get her in a nursing home for her own safety and care plus you and your siblings well being.

I'm wondering if right beneath the bitterness is some Fear of your mother; some strong sense of Obligation to do exactly what she says like you all did and were expected to do as small children; and a deep sense of guilt as seen in feeling like you're an aweful person for wishing she was dead.

Your mother is blessed to even have you or any of your siblings trying to help along with spoiling which actually might have been expected to begiin with. Many children of a total control parent do not want to care for such parents.

I wish you well in getting this resolved. You do have the power to make some important decisions about gettting your life back. Now is as good a time to do this as any. I also hope someone has durable POA. I do hope that you and your siblings can rise above seeing your mother through you childhood eyes which sounds like is trapping ya'll like FOG to see her through your adult eyes and make the kind of adult child decsions which are really best for her and for ya'll. If no one has durable and medical power, then you are left with the uphill battle and expense of having her declaired incompetent in the process of getting guardianship.

Believe me. I know about total controling mother, step-mother, Mother-in-law and wife with borderline personality disorder who thankfully has been getting help with some progress for the past 10 years. I would feel more liberated in life plus her quality of health is so low that I wish mercifully to on and die. My wife and her identical twin sister both deserve years without their 'mommy dearest' mother on earth; and my wicked witch of the west step-mom has been so mean to me, my family and my dad that I hope my dad out lives her which is very possible. Frankly, several things in my life and the lives of people directly connected with me which a few trips to the graveyard will solve for the long term.

Let me add, you are not by yourself. My sister and brothers have been taking care of my mother for almost 7 years. She had a stroke, we thought she was going to die and we spoiled her rotten. She is even more spoiled today and expects the care we give her. I am bitter and the rest of my family are also. There is a wedge between each of us as we are tired of taking care of her. I told her how we felt and to please go to a nursing home or an assisted living facility. She just ignored me.
I wish she would die and then I feel like a really really awful person. My Mom is 92, and a total CONTROL person. I am tired, really tired. I know I do not have it as badly as some of you, but I just want to quit and do not know how. I want to throw the covers over my head and when I wake up maybe this would all be over. I am living a night mare. My life is not my own....

Edward,

You comment "she still treats me like i am a little child" caught my attention and from your profile I see that you are 43. Do I hear you correctly, that your mother has treated you like a child all of your life? If so, then that is where most of this anger very likely is coming from and it springing up now is only symptomatic. I'm not a thearpist, but I have been in therapy dealing with my own issues with mom. I would recomend that you take better care of yourself, but getting some help to give you a break and used some of that break time to see a counselor, but make sure you get a real one like a lisenced clinical social worker.

Congratulations on your brother's wife having a baby! Life with a newborn is going to absorb a majority of their time and energy. BTW, are you the younger brother?

eddiedones, you are far from alone!
I understand completely. My dad has the Alz and he can be quite difficult at times. He has literally yelled at me for coming home late from dinner. 10:30 pm. With my cousin. Doesn't help that we are both stubborn and will not give in. I have told him before that he can not and will not talk to me the way he was (yelling and being very confrontational). He backed off and even came to apologize later. With the caveat that it was partly my fault too. I let that part go. He still yells. But my mom also instigates things. Oy! And I've been considering moving home as they get more ill. But then I go home for a visit and the yelling starts. So hard since I'm an only child. I want to help but I think helping will drive me crazy.
I can only say try to remember it's the disease that's talking and then go "shopping" like I do. It was really an excuse to get out of the house. Or go somewhere else for an hour or even 30 minutes. You'll cool off (hard I know-really I know) but if not you'll blow over something tiny.
Remember you're doing a great thing. And get out daily!

Glad I could help! Praying for you, my new friend and fellow caregiver! I am also preaching to myself, you know!

Thank you everyone for letting me know I'm not alone. I do feel more at ease knowing that there are others going through what I experience daily. Hapfra and gigglebox , both of you have given me great things to think about, everyday is a hill I have to climb, I just have to count to 10, and take it slowly.

I agree with Sunny. You have to take care of you first before you can be a caregiver.... it's hard parenting a parent... it's hard not to be angry when they are angry at you. They are taking out their frustrations - their loss of memory, their loss of independence. You are now making the decisions for them. It's not easy for them - someone said to think of yourself in their shoes on one of these postings. That hit me very hard, but was truthful! This is one awesome message board and I have found it so very comforting - YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

I will never please my dad - never have, never will. I cry at times b/c of how he hurts me - he criticizes and second guess me. He ROLLS HIS EYES at how I raise my kids and how I live my life... I am learning to let IT ROLL OFF MY BACK. Or to try to... it's much easier said than done.

As for the anger you get bounced off you, count to ten, pray n press on!

Hi Eddiedones!~ If what your Mom has is anything like dementia---You may be hearing your Mom's illness or medications talking to you, and not necessarily your Mom.

It sounds like you are stuck between a rock and a hard place-

Can you contact your local agency on aging for more suggestions and possible support?

Unless someone has walked in your shoes, it is difficult to understand; however as a former cargiver-I can see your frustration--peraps you need to step back-and get some help.

Remember-anger is just one letter away from danger! You may also need to find a place-like here-to vent.

Good Luck!

Hap

Been there....done that. Sounds like misplaced anger...could it be slight dementia, or has she always been this way? First of all I have found to begin to care for someone who is more than difficult, if your self-esteem is not what it should be when you start out, it will truly do an emotional and mental number on you and you may find you can no longer care for her. Can you think in terms that she is angry because she can no longer do things that were second nature to her and now you may be the only one she has to vent to? In my mother's case, I have a sister, but mom doted over her and I the "little witch", as she called me.
She smeared her poop on me, threw her pills across the room, doubled up her fists at me, but I remained with her until her death. I have no regrets, I am blessed with peace, but to take care of such a difficult person, you have to care for yourself first.

Congratulations, Dirk! Being married 57 years is amazing! I cannot think that older people intend to be mean, but their words can hurt. Have you talked with your doctor about switching to a different medicine that might not make your wife so sleepy? Or you might even increase the dosage. I have seen that done and ALL nastiness disappears! Good luck and good for you == you sound like you are doing a great job.

Like Elizza suggests, I point out to my wife (married 57 years) that what she is saying is mean and it hurts. That sometimes gets through to her. The doctor prescribed Sertraline which makes her more sleepy and less combative. During quiet times I talk with others via the computer, like I'm doing now. Also, one or more of my three children call every day to talk with me about the things in their life. Having family support is a blessing, and if you don't have an immediate family, Internet groups like this can be a virtual family.

You aren't alone, eddiedones, although I am sure it feels as if you are. A couple of little things that have helped me are: 1. ask your mother if she knows that she is upsetting you. You sometimes get good information that helps you deal with what she does; and 2. DON"T let it build up. Help yourself get over each little anger - that is easier than getting to the point where you yell and then feel bad. Talking with someone can be a help to release steam.

if u find out please let me know... I am in a similiar boat.. hugs!

i have a brother who lives in the area, however his wife just had a baby two weeks ago, and he is helping her out

eddiedones is there someone who can relieve you for a while? Siblings, any family members who can give you a break. We all need breaks.