How do I deal with abandonment by others after Dad's death?

Hm. This is odd.

Yes, I'd agree that you would expect your best friend and your boyfriend to be the most understanding of your feelings. Or at least the most interested in trying to understand them. So what's going on? Is the lack of contact with your best friend mainly your doing, or hers/his, or a bit of both? How were things going with your BF before that abrupt rift?

It sounds as though there is some sort of "Do Not Disturb" sign hanging round your neck. How it got there, quite possibly without your even being aware of it..?Maybe if we can think about that question, the answers to it might show a way forward?

Caregiving is overwhelming and time consuming. It's entirely possible that you spent so much time doing it, that the rest of life went on without you.
And without you noticing how little you were part of it. Now you have all this unoccupied time and you feel abandoned. But in reality, the rest of the people in your live haven't changed at all. They are living as they always have. You are the one who's different. Yes they should have said, "I'm sorry for your loss". When it happened. Not every time they talk to you now. It's been three months, and while you are still grieving, you can't expect others to continue to act like it just happened. Nor expect them to suddenly move in and fill all the empty space in your life. And if that is what you expect, they people may actually be avoiding you. But I get the feeling that they are only going about life as usual. In the past you would have been way too busy for them. Now you have all t his time and it feels like avoidance. It's just MHO but you really might benefit from some counseling. You're impulse to attend that support group is a good one. Follow it.

A bereavement group would be very helpful. You can find such groups by contacting a local hospital, hospice, or a religious organization. The help and support you need right now cannot be supplied by people who have never experienced what you have been through. Please take care of yourself, and don't worry about fair-weather friends.

My dear one, This is a very hard time for you. Let yourself feel toward yourself as you would to a small child. Feel the love and protection and caring for your own dear self. Feel the pleasure of just being able to breath. Drop down into your senses - seeing beauty, hearing sounds. In some way we are and always will be alone but at the same time connected to all that is. Let yourself rest when you want; do not have expectations of yourself and do only what you want to do. Treat yourself, get to know yourself. We are each such a mystery and such a challenge to ourselves. I am feeling loving and protective toward you. I wish I could hold and hug you. You are a magic being.

My husband died 15 months ago. His memorial service was on the day of the biggest snowfall of the year. Many friends were unable to attend, but all send cards with personal messages. I responded to each of them. A few people close to me reached out to include me in social activities. These were not necessary better friends than the others, but more experienced in dealing with people in mourning. Most people, after expressing their sympathy, allowed me to make the next contact. I never felt abandoned.

Back a century or so there were expectations that were well understood by society. I was surprised to learn that the black arm band and other markings of mourning was not really a sign of respect for the deceased, but a signal to others that this person was fragile emotionally, and needed to be treated gently.

We don't have such well-defined expectations today, which is a good thing in many ways, but it also means we don't quite know what our roles should be relating to someone who has recently lost a loved one.

I can't imagine why your boyfriend hung up on you. Perhaps your grief-driven behavior was strange and upsetting to him, and he never really learned what to expect and how to relate to it. (Or maybe he is a jerk and doesn't really deserve you. I don't know him.)

Try not to hold what you perceive as "abandonment" against your friends. When you are ready, reach out to them and re-establish social relationships.

You will never stop missing your dad, but the pain will become a less central part of your life. Give yourself time to heal. Get help from a grief support group and/or a personal counsellor if you need help dealing with the pain. You deserve to find peace, and to be ready to resume your social life.

Lifes too short
Love the people who treat you right!
Forget about the others!
Believe everything happens for a reason!
I know the feeling also:0(
Hang in there, be strong,make new friends, build a new life, life is wonderful.
XO

Jeanne, your advice as always is humane and thoughtful. I was especially interested in your comments on the rituals of mourning, and the trade-off between having defined paths laid out for us and having the freedom to choose how we deal individually with life events.

Speaking for myself, only, I regret the loss of formal ritual. In the case of mourning, we need that schedule laid out for us that says: "don't expect to feel better for at least a week, then a month, then a year. After that, we'll see." I do feel it's one of the babies that got thrown out with the bathwater.

Hi Hawkwings7,

I'm so sorry. Your suffered a big loss and your life has suddenly changed but those closest to you don't know how to react. A counselor / therapist will be able to help you through your grief and examine what is happening in your relationships. Your boyfriend hung up on you but you don't explain what preceded that so it's hard to see what's going on.

GayleV's thoughts are similar to mine. Perhaps your best friend no longer feels close to you. Or perhaps she has no idea what you need right now. I urge you to join the support group soon and start therapy to work through where your life is going now. You need to connect to others who understand.

I also lost my dad recently my closest friend texted me? that's it? never called up to see how I was? other friends couldn't do enough but I wanted to be alone. ive just found out that my friend now has a boyfriend and since she met him shes not available anymore? Eh shes no longer my friend! I know from past experiences ie a divorce that true friends are there for you no matter what and the same goes for boyfriends. Grieve for your dad then move on and make some new friends genuine ones. No matter what crap ive had in my life ive always been there for my friends and I expect the same from them. To be honest my friends are a lot more understanding of my caring than my family are? how sad is that! so sorry for your loss I still don't feel that ive had time to grieve for dad while caring for mum but I do know hes around me and I hope looking out for me!

I have found some people can't stand to be reminded of their own mortality. Since I am bathing in it everyday I can't understand the concept. However, I have had 2 great losses this past summer. My mother died on July 27, 2013. My youngest son did not pass away but as it has affected my life he may have by now & I wouldn't even know about it. I do not know if he still has the same job, lives at the same house, has the same wife I saw him marry in October 2013. I don't mean to be over-dramatic but I only have the eldest son & his wife as my grown children now. I am an only child as well & have no extended family in the state I live in or nearby. I have 22 first cousins but we are scattered around the country. My husband & father of both sons moved out in 2000. I have been alone for many years & am okay with that. When mom & dad had to move near me because of alzheimer's my youngest son was still living at home & just graduating college. As soon as mom (grandma) moved in & he could see her frailties I lost him as my son. I don't know why. He wouldn't talk about it but he went through a very painful self-journey of his own watching his Grandma suffer. It was almost as if it was too much for him having lost his father & older brother at 12 & then lose Grandma to this plus the fact that my parents would now be my sole focus (not him). All too much for him to internalize or work out. He didn't know how to properly work it through but I knew how he felt losing so many key people in his life. He has since married and his older brother, father & I never hear from him. We wouldn't know if he died or got sick. He lives 10 mins. away from me.

I can't explain what happens when you are a caregiver or there is a family loss like this but I know there isn't much you can do about it because I have tried everything. My dad is still living but went through medical "hell" recently & is declining in ill-health. I had very few people in my life because of a small family & have lost most of them due to no fault of my own. My ex-husband has a 101 yr. old mother & he is an only child. He will not face her mortality or his own & it is affecting my survival, my sons survival & his mother's care.

People need to face that at some age they will die & make preparations. I believe that is all you are facing. As for support groups I don't know. It will depend on the groups available & the ppl in them. I would say take care of yourself.

This too shall pass.

If I could lose the only son I was a single mom for because my parents got alzheimer's & needed me - then one died - he talks to us even less now because she died then who knows why anything happens. I still would love to know but his new wife & her family scare me so much that I am glad I am not speaking with him. The wedding was unpleasant as were it's preparations.