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My grandpa is 89 years old and is widowed since 2008. His only son (my dad) passed away in 2005. My sister and I are the only immediate family to care for him. However, my sister does not even contact my grandpa or myself to check on his well being. My 23 year old nephew lives with my grandpa and always talks grandpa into giving him money or pay his bills. My grandparents raised him so he knows how to guilt trip grandpa into anything. I am POA but my grandpa has not been deemed incompetent. He is developing memory loss and does not understand how to control money or basic mon thy bills. My grandmother handled all the bills. I have tried over and over again to get grandpa to understand the nephew is draining his bank account. I am lost on what to do. The stress is killing me. I become the enemy when I try to voice my opinion. I don't want to see him lose his 80 acre property because of a thankless brat. This has been going on 7 years since grandmother passed. Any suggestions is greatly appreciated.

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Call adult protective services for financial exploitation.
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Call adult protective services for financial exploitation.
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I agree with sunnygirl. Once the money is straightened out, the nephew will melt away.
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If you have the financial part worked out, then I wouldn't allow the mooching nephew to worry me. Since your ganddad is having memory problems, he may forget a lot of what has happened. If nephew is causing him mental anguish from visits, then I would discuss that with his doctor to see how the visits or contact be supervised or put on hold while he recovers. Perhaps, once nephew realizes that their are no longer any benefits from grandfather, he will fade away or at least stop the whining.
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It is amazing how much a moocher thinks it is OK to take advantage of my elderly grandpa with dementia. Granddad has been in a rehab facility from multiple falls and memory loss. We are hoping to bring him home with 24 hour sitters. The rehab facility told me it is not safe for him to be alone and that he needs 24 hour care. I still have my mooching 23 year old nephew causing trouble. He has lived with granddad most of his life and has always gotten whatever money or material thing he wanted. My dad died 10 years ago and granddad has mentally replaced him with my nephew. He calls granddad at the rehab center and tells him I am only trying to stick him in a nursing home and take over. All granddads estate was deeded to my sister and I when dad died with a life estate for granddad. Does anyone know what I can do to remove the nephew against my granddad's wishes. Nephew is constantly trying to twist things to make me look like the bad guy. The sitters pay will pretty much take the rest of what money he has and will have to file for Medicaid. I think I can kick the nephew out but how do I handle granddad's obsession with my nephew.
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Sometimes you can't win. My mooching in laws had nothing to do with my wife or myself for over 10 yrs.. When she come home they smelled blood and started calling me and asking how she was doing. They also called my daughter and asked, What's In The Will. Believe me I wasn't surprised at all. I know them for 30 years. The last time they called I told them not to call me or come over to my home. Last week the door opened and in stepped my sister in law and asked hows my wife? She then took my wifes arm and pulled her outside. I called the police and they came right over. My sister in law was trying again to get into the house so I closed the screen door and she said I hurt her. My towns police said they filed no papers because nothing happened. Two days later a I got a , "simple assault summons in the mail which originated from their town. (this part I don't get") I have to appear in court. I also found out that simple assault isn't that simple. I could get 6 years in jail or various other sentences down to dismissed, T o make a long story short I have a lawyer who is taking the case for $1,200 to start. This is the ,Twilight Zone, right/
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Granddaughter74, because of our own situation, I was wondering if you depend on nephew for care for your grandfather? For him not to be alone? Is there co-dependency? We have a moocher also living with my MIL; have managed to extricate his tentacles from most of her funds but he continues to get completely free living and food. However, she is so dependent on him emotionally that when he thought he might be able to move into another free situation (didn't work out for him - duh) she was a basket case for three days. We were truly worried about what the emotional stress was doing to her mind (w/Alzheimer's). So now we see him as a necessary evil. We still monitor, keep his paws off her money, and do EVERYTHING that she needs from our own home, but will deal with booting him out when she is gone.
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Ask the agency on aging how your can become the rep payee.
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Grandaughter74, I did some venting here and know exactly the anguish you are experiencing. You have had no choice but to stand by and simmer as I once did.

My only suggestion is to involve the authorities; at least alert them to what is going on and ask "what can be done to protect your grandfather from further exploitation".

The county Office on Aging might have resources available to caring POAs like yourself. Now that there are memory issues, his "competence" may be called into question.
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Thank you all for the encouragement and suggestions. Nephew is still mooching and causing problems. Grandad is still letting him. Trusting God to hold me together to do and say what's right.
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I feel I have no choice. I cannot avail to his abuse again, especially knowing how ruthless he's been with my poor Dad. Thank you.
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Yah....breaking all contact with him....really the only and BEST thing you can do!!! So happy for you!
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There are some of us out here who are labeled "the mooch," but it's a load of crap! Just food for thought..................
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Yeah, it drove me nuts for years. I finally pulled back for good when brother lambasted me for some perceived slight on a family FB group I'd started several months ago (to keep everyone informed of Dad's ongoing situation, no less).

Too much to explain here; but once in making his two petulant and vitriolic posts to the group, he announced his withdrawal from said group. His name disappeared from the members list. So did his wife's.

I deleted the posts, thinking "he is POISON", and promptly blocked him. My husband blocked his cell phone from both of ours. We also blocked his wife, fellow guzzler of self-righteous Kool-Aid. We're well rid of them both.

This was mid-July. We haven't been in contact since, and I intend for it to remain that way. Dad has since progressed from living with us, to hospitalization, and now hospice.
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OMG Drummergirl..."a self proclaimed born again Christian...and 6'4!!! Wow...what a nightmare!!! And your dad just continually enables him through the years!!! UGH Truly a tragic story for all three of you...but you having to watch this continually happening and not being able to do nothing! YIKES....toooooo much for anyone's sanity!!!!
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Thank you for the hug and prayers, Salisbury!

All I know is that I've always done right by my dad. Should brother try to legally stiff-arm me into anything, it would of course be fruitless. He's been a chronic moocher, and obviously devoid of ethics. For all his Bible-thumping, it's just a tad ironic that he's conveniently glossed over "Honor thy father and mother" and "Thou shalt not covet."

Not my circus, not my monkeys.
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Ah, I see. Well, hopefully your lawyer can make some sense of this and help you. That is what they are for. I am sorry that your Dad is in hospice. I will keep you in my prayers.

Big Hug!
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Also ... to answer your Q about visiting Dad when bro is not there, I have no way of knowing when he will be there, as we are no longer in touch. I intend to avoid him at all costs.
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Dad had been living with me and my husband since 2002. He was fully functional until around late 2013, when I began to get involved with his medical affairs. Eventually I had to assume responsibility for his finances, including doing his taxes as DPOA.

At that point, he'd been supporting his son for decades. I tried to keep a hands-off (don't ask/don't tell) stance, because it was beyond infuriating—seeing all that money go out the door, of Dad's own free will.

How much anguish my brother's drama provoked in Dad is a crying shame. Of course, having Dad with us ensured that it spilled into our home. I was close by, all right—too darn close.

Last week, when a family member made me aware that Dad was still being haggled for money at the hospital, I called his estate lawyer. I made it clear that this pilfering had been going on for years, but now that Dad's cognitive function has been compromised thanks to the Alzheimer's, he doesn't recall just how much he's given over time. Preying on Dad at this point is downright cruel. The attorney supported my intentions to shut that faucet under those circumstances.

For a period of time, Dad did contribute to our household expenses via a modest check each month. Those dried up after a few years, as he began to allocate more toward the whiner. My husband and I didn't say anything, though we definitely felt slighted. After all, we were paying the mortgage and all the bills.

Now, Dad is in hospice about 20 miles away.
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Drummergirl,

I am a tad confused. Is your dad living in his own home? Is brother in the home, too?

Are you close by?

Have you spoken to a lawyer?

Can you time visits so that brother is not there?
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Salisbury and lifeexperiences, you wouldn't believe what this guy is capable of.

I won't bore you with all of the details; we'd be here a week and need quite a few gin martinis (mine).

Suffice it to say that this "born again Christian" is the most hateful, arrogant, judgmental, homophobic racist out there. Anyone who would lay a beat down on his own brother in law (in OUR house) and make "self defense" excuses is beyond reason. He's a 6'4" built-like-a-tree raving bully.

His presence has made my caregiving of Dad a nightmare at times; with nothing positive to say, and quick with a dig on anything he thought I may have done "wrong" or let Dad down somehow. Yet, he didn't want anything to do with the actual legwork involved.

Oh ... the complaints and moans that emanated from his long-suffering throat the WEEK Dad stayed with him in June while we were away! He had to take off from work! He actually had to SUPERVISE his father (hello, what part of "Dad can't stay alone" is not registering with you, toots?).

What does he think *I'D* been doing for almost two years? Guy's a peach, I'll tell ya.

So the mooching part is just a piece of that maladjusted puzzle. I can't change his sick and codependent relationship with my father, but I can make my own journey what I need it to be—no more contact, PERIOD—even if it means visiting Dad less frequently.

Yes, it's that bad.
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Granddaughter74, Ask the local prosecutor to investigate elder financial abuse of your grandfather. Immediately hire an attorney and petition for a Guardian to be appointed over Grandpa's finances. In the petition, include the evidence that nephew has already begun to decimate the estate.
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OMG DRUMMER GIRL!!! My stomach was in knots reading your post!!! Some similarities...but what reeeeeaaaallly makes my belly ache is that your dad has allowed him to do that!!! Thank god you stepped in and stopped it before there was nothing left. I'd call the hit man as someone posted!! lol
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Man, Drummergirl, what a story. It makes me gnash my teeth just reading it.
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Oh boy, can I opine about this.

My 46-year-old brother has been mooching off my father for over 20 years. Tens of thousands of dollars, including hocking a favorite classic car, have gone down that sewer, thanks to Dad's feeling of obligation - "he's my son ... he needs the help."

His son did nothing but make poor financial decisions his entire adult life, living beyond his means, and expecting Dad to bail him out every time. And Dad did.

Meanwhile, my husband and I were working steadily, saving, paying rent/mortgages, maintaining cars, and doing everything "right." Never did we burden Dad with our problems, and this was particularly difficult once he moved in with us in 2002.

Dad's Alzheimer's has made it even easier for brother to mooch the past couple of years.

He helped himself to thousands in Dad's money via use of his debit card, which I finally stopped last fall (2014). Dad hadn't been opening his mail, so I asked his permission to do so.

When I saw iTunes, meals out, tech gadgets cell phone service and other bills that did not pertain to Dad, I knew something had to be done. I begged Dad to cut the moocher off.

It continued. Months later, I showed Dad the realtime charges on his online bank account screen. I picked up the phone, dialed the bank and put him on for verification. As DPOA, I then ordered a new card and put a fraud alert on the account.

Of course, the whining white elephant had something to say about it.

On Easter 2015, Dad allowed a check for $7K to go to his son because of an apartment move and his wife had lost her job. I wrote the check and he signed it, because he wanted to give him the money. Just trying to be a good daughter.

Apparently, there was a significant amount of gravy after the move, because brother posted FB pics and vids of a Mazda Miata he’d just bought (a THIRD car!). He also picked up a 60” TV. Might he have considered putting the extra $ in the bank? Helllll, no!

In July, he then asked for $3K to “pay off the car that Dad was insuring so that they could insure it in their name.” The $3K was sent. A month later, I canceled the auto insurance because the car had been sold.

Wouldn’t you know, brother was at Dad’s hospital bedside earlier this month moaning that he needed more $ “because he was desperate.” I’ll bet my next check that he did not use the $3K to buy out that car. Yet he brags on FB about how well he and his wife are doing. On WHOSE dime???? Fraud!

I have had it with this irresponsible jerk. The Bank of Dad is now shuttered for good, and I also brought Dad’s estate attorney up to speed. The temerity is astounding.

Dad’s will bequeaths 50% of whatever is left to each of us. That will be the last of Dad’s earnings this toad will ever see.
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Oh yah Salisbury!! I have too!
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I was going to suggest chat with the Sicilian Mafia. A little dust up? Would that be out of line?

(Only kidding, of course, but I did have the thought...where are they when you need them?)
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omg ... is soooooo agreee, it's unbelievable what people do! im experiencing that in my family...thank god he has gotten the money yet, but he did take the Trust and POA and we haven't seen him in eight months!! my mother is bedridden and I am the POA and need those papers! my dad was so upset he tried to change the Trust but couldn't because he didn't have the POA to sign for my mother!!! he could only change his part of the Trust!!! GET THE LEGAL PAPERS IN A PLACE THEY CAN'T BE FOUND!!!
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This one hit too close to home! 6 sibs in our family. Oldest brother felt he was entitled to "EVERYTHING" because he was oldest. My parents lived on SS due to dad's disability at age 58--so you know they had very little. W/O the knowledge of the rest of the sibs, he slowly bled my parents almost dry. When they sold their house to move into my younger brother's home--we found mom& dad had second and third mortgaged their place to give oldest bro almost $100K. Also "loaned" baby sis $50K. A stern talking to from my brother who is an acct made dad aware that he had been manipulated and he was so embarrassed--at that point the brother who has POA had his name on all checks and mom was put on a cash only basis to pay most bills. The rest had to be checked by the POA brother. Dad made it abundantly clear that eldest brother and baby sister are to inherit nothing upon his or mother's death. Eldest brother was so angry he refused to come to dad's funeral. Brother passed away 2 year ago paying not one cent back. (In fact, mother slipped him cash every time she saw him, and then just did without, herself). My parents never saved for retirement, believing that's what SS did for you. So sad, here they were, in their 70's and 80's,still worrying about every cent. Cut that weasel off!! The takers will take until there isn't a penny--and do so remorselessly. This caused a rift in our family that will never be healed. (baby sister was forgiven her debt, but she will not inherit)--jokes on the rest of us, there's nothing to inherit but a very small life insurance policy--which my brother tells me "our portion won't even pay for a decent used car"...I don't care, I don't look at my mother's estate as "easy money" but I am still angry that my brother used and abused them so much. Baby sis at least made payments on a regular basis--a whole different story there.
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This is a tough one, cause grandpa raised him!! I helped raise my niece and I also favor her over the other nieces and nephews. Please keep us posted...thanks!
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