How do I deal with my husband (75) who is destroying his mind with pills and alcohol?

I agree with LindaSusan: go to Al-anon.

I did and I never forgot my first meeting. I was stunned by how people were functioning and had turned things around.

Get out of the darkness!

LindaSusan: I agree!!

You deal with it by taking care of yourself and leaving him, your house, and whatever, with only what you can carry in a big suitcase. Get out and go to a shelter until he gets clean, or never, You don't have a loving caring husband, You are living with a DRUNK. An out of control DRUNK! Go to AL anon meetings, turn YOUR THINKING AND LIFE AROUND TO YOUR NEEDS! May God send His blessings toward you AND your drunk, out of control husband.

Reformers Unanimous is a bible-based addiction support group. Churches internationally host Friday night meetings. However, this man is dangerous to himself and others. Call aps stat to let them know he is an alcoholic with a weapon!

As I have said before, I think you need to have an exit plan and use it. Call your local center on Domestic Violence if you need help. That said, in some states, it isn't that easy to quickly sell a gun. Many gun safes have combination locks. When he isn't there get the combination changed. He won't be able to open it. BUT, I think you need to get the hell out of there.

A drunk with firearms DOES NOT MIX! CALL ELDER SERVICES NOW!

Reformers Unanimous website. Find a church. Go to reformu website.

Kroskow, not only the forgetfulness but also the aggression and paranoia are definitely early clues that Alzheimer's or another form of dementia may be declaring itself. Make sure that whereever he is now, that he gets taken for a head scan and that a psychologist administers some basic cognitive testing. As soon as you know what you are dealing, medics will help you to get your husband to a safe specialised nursing facility where there will be no access to either guns or self-administered drugs, and they will be able to give him light sedatives to remove his anxiety and help him calm down. If your husband is still strong for his mid-70s he needs to be treated with more precaution than a senior in his 80s or 90s. And if he is declared with early onset Alzheimers, all the guns will automatically be confiscated. (you could sell them). So a good medical diagnosis rather than waiting for trouble and running to the police could be your answer.

What a stressful place you are in..can you move out when he is out somewhere and not tell him where you are..or that you are leaving, just go. you deserve peace of mind, you deserve your own peaceful living arrangements, please take care of yourself. Maybe call family protective services for help? Your, or a church? Take everything you can with you, especially money credit cards etc. but get out now while you can!! Even if you go without any possions just go. Many many years ago I did this and it was the best thing I ever did. I waited until my kids were grown and out of the house, found a place to move to, he didn't know or have any idea I was doing this, I don't remember even leaving a note, I was just gone and so glad I took the step to take care of ME..he was not at home when I packed up and left. I felt so relieved to be out of all the stress and turmoil..Unfortunately I do have depression and anxiety but I'm so grateful for leaving and years later finding love..Leave him alone, you take care of yourself, he is a troubled self...you cannot help him..get out of the circle of destruction you are living in...YOU are important...he is his own worst enemy, don't let him drag you down any more..you can do this...

Please heed all this good advice you've received and take action on it immediately.

All I can say is yes, yes, yes, to all of the suggestions above. And Hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dementia patient shave shot and killed people. It shouldn't happen. PREVENTION: make the house safe. If he wants to kill himself, send him a bon voyage card.

Omg, youre going to end up shot. Get rid of All bullets! Hope you find help asap

Yep - it's time to go - slip out the back door though or it could be dangerous trying to leave.
Logistic questions: Do they own a home together, rent or does one or the other own the home. This must be addressed early in the game. You don't want to find yourself homeless if the house is his or if there's high rent that you can't afford. Make living arrangements and have a place to go. Do not try to stay in the home even if the deed is in your name only, it's much too dangerous. You can always get your home back (hopefully if there is any fairness at all in our courts). Get a lawyer before progressing - and get one who deals with abuse cases. You should file some kind of legal notice like my daughter's husband did the night that he disabled her vehicle and threw her out of the house in the middle of the night. She was in the right, but almost dead right. Don't let him file something on you. Her husband just filed an incident report stating that they had an argument and she left (lies), but her lawyer told her that it put him in a better position for doing it. Oh well I'm not a lawyer, get a good one to give you advice and get the hell out of Dodge!

1RareFind, I think the situation is too dangerous for her to do these things. I think lsmiami is more on target. If he gets really mad because he can't find his gun or guns, he could kill her with his bare hands. I don't know how much you know about mentally ill people, but every day we hear of women being beat or stabbed to death. For example, with the car keys. If he starts punching her because she won't give him the keys. She could at best be crippled for life. As for guns, she is in the same situation. If the cops were called and he seems reasonable, they can't do anything except give them back. You need proof. Otherwise, it would just be like it was in the good old days when a man finds a young girlfriend, puts his wife in an asylum just to get her out of the way. The law demands, and rightly so, some proof. I wouldn't want to hide my husbands, guns, truck keys, hammers, lathes, wallet, or anything else. And he is normal. She needs to get the Hell out and do it smart.

There is a number of things you can do.

1. One of them is to take over the finances and take most of the finances and put them into a separate account with only your name so that he has only a limited amount to only buy what he needs. That way, it'll be much harder for him to buy drugs or booze.

2. If you feel comfortable with the task of guardianship, you can go for guardianship of him and use that to stop him from buying stuff that's ruining him. You can also use guardianship to remove his gun permits and all of his guns.

3. What I would do if I were you is set up a hidden video surveillance of your own and record everything he's doing. What I would do is take your smart phone (if you have one) and hook it up to a charger since will be a long video you're recording because you want to keep your battery charged. Now, get a very good recording of everything that's going on and take it to his doctor or whoever will listen. You can alert whoever granted him his gun permit, and if necessary you can start by taking that video to the cops and making a report. *Make sure though that you have a back up of that video in case your device is confiscated. If this is ever the case, immediately call your provider, report your phone stolen and, and deactivate your phone.

4. When your husband lays the gun down anywhere, pick it up and take it somewhere safe where he can't get to it. Make sure he cannot take it from you, and lastly, make sure it's not loaded. If there are any bullets in it, remove them and don't let him get them back.

5. Once you've gotten a good video of a day in the life of what's happening, definitely take that to his doctor and even the cops. You may also need to alert a lawyer who specializes in elder care cases. You need that video as direct evidence of what's going on so proper measures can be taken to remove the guns and take over all necessary affairs.

6. If he drives, immediately take the keys if he's unstable enough to be deemed unfit for driving. I wouldn't vandalize the car to disable it, just take the keys at the first opportunity you get. If he keeps them in his pocket, as soon as possible, secretly take the keys as soon as he removes his pants and lays them down somewhere for a shower or what have you. Don't let him have those keys back.

7. Whatever drugs or booze are left in the house, you have two options:

Dump them
Take them to show his doctor

The one who should know what's going on is his doctor. The doctor is the one you're going to need to get this information to, especially a copy of that video I'm suggesting you make.

Please leave, but do it safely. Although you are not alleging abuse, someone who threatens with a gun is an abuser. It is dangerous to leave an abuser.
Check the Dr Phil site, he often speaks about this and has a lot of advice on his site.
Pull your important papers together, take only what is important, if you have separate checks, open a checking account in a separate bank and have your check routed there, send the statements to a friend. Most importantly find a safe place to go. Do not return unless he goes to therapy and gives up all the guns and ammo, personally I would not return. period. what you describe is a really bad situation. Best of luck to you

After thinking about my response, it is inadequate. Bethcares40 and all the others are right on target. Also, make sure his appointments are in the morning when he is agitated.

It is imperative that your husband be placed into a nursing home that is trained to deal with both his mental health, his addiction and his many physical issues. In such a facility all of his medications would be controlled. He also needs a different physician ASAP. I would work very hard to get him evaluated and have court documents place him within the guardianship of a responsible person.

You also mentioned he has had several serious auto accidents. In California you can report him to DMV and have them do a driver's test on him. They might take away his driver's license. It probably wouldn't stop him from driving, but it just might. I agree with everyone else, you are in a very dangerous situation. What a tragedy just waiting to happen. My heart goes out to you. Even if you got his guns away from him, he would still have access to knives, shovels, etc. What a mess. Unless you are a gunsmith or have access to one, it is difficult to disable the firing pins. If he is sane enough to clean his guns he would find the problem and fix it. How about not "finding" a buyer for your house and just stay in it? Does he come over there?

I hope your lawyer advises you. Another thought, if you have a cell phone with camera and video, can you record him for evidence to show doctors or adult protective services or police? I would do that too. You are not the only one in danger in this situation. What if someone else comes to the door when he is in the paranoid state with his guns loaded? He really needs to be ordered into a care facility, and the guns removed or disabled or locked up. My Dad was not near this bad, but we arranged to 'steal' his hand gun while he was sleeping....because we feared that he might shoot Mom. Eventually he was taken by police for a 72 hr hold and then judge ordered placement for him. Once no alcohol and good drugs for his dementia he became a teddy bear the rest of his life. Adult Protective Services could be called for your benefit and they are also able to call police in. I was the one calling police for my parents because my Mom would not do it....I just asked for welfare checks whenever Dad was agitated and fighting and threatening Mom. They came three times and on the third time called, they agreed to take him for the 72 hour hold. Keep us posted as to how this is going for you.

KROSKOW, I too have been in a situation where someone made threats with a gun and felt powerless to stop the roller coaster. I did get out but not before being traumatized for years. It sounds like you have made the first steps towards safety and freedom. The attorney should be able to tell you what your financial rights are. Make sure that you have everything in order before he knows what is going on. Survival is the primary goal here.
Is there a relative or family friend who he respects or listens to? Anyone who could advocate for better health and safer behavior to him?
Good Luck

I agree with the suggestion to speak with the doctor who is prescribing the pills first of all and then the pharmacy that is filling the prescription. If that doesn't work, call the agency who regulates the doctor in your state, probably the state board and report the doctor. He/she could lose his/her license to practice.

How frightening to live your life waiting for something terrible to happen.
Please call his Doctor and discuss or at least tell him that your husband is combining alcohol and the RX medications. Would it be possible to go to a gun store and buy all blanks and replace his bullets with blanks? Make sure to put them in the boxes the bullets came in and then turn all ammunition in to the local police department and get all the love ammo out of the house. Trigger locks on guns can also prevent accidental discharge when a person is waving a loaded gun around and intoxicated.
Develop a safety plan for yourself including copies of all important papers in a second location away from your house. Stash a set of car keys outside where you can get away even without your purse. Keep money and other valuables in a safety deposit box or separate account so that money or lack of it will not prevent you from being able to leave when you need to stay safe.
Go to your local Police precinct and notify them what is going on. They need to be forewarned in case there is a disturbance call one day and they pull up and see your husband waving a gun around so they don't shoot first and ask questions later.
Perhaps attend an Al-Annon Meeting or see a Therapist so that you can stay safe.
If you really want action you will have to report him to the Police when he is drunk or drugged, and waving a gun around or threatening you. The more Police contacts the better chance that he will be either referred to treatment by the courts or Adult Protective Service.
My heart goes out to you...... families are the first line of advocacy for someone in trouble. Your must get the authorities involved in order for any agencies to get him on their radar.
Good luck..... I think you are going to need it.

Remove the guns from the house or lock them up. If at all possible, try to get his meds changed, and you might have to hand them out to him. He may not be capable of taking them himself. And just because he hasn't shot you so far, doesn't mean he won't, and maybe shoot himself. The possibilities are horrifying.

Thank you for all the caring concern. We are living somewhat separately for the time being. He has moved to a condo we recently purchased and I'm staying at our older home until it sells. I have also talked to an attorney about my options once that happens. Until I re-read my post, I didn't realize how casual I sounded talking about the situation. That was a wake-up call for me; I'd gotten so accustomed to my situation I had begun to think of it as normal. I am taking pro-active steps to protect myself and will continue to post to keep you all up to date. Thanks again for the feedback I truly needed.

I too am frightened for you. Take the wise advice of those who have posted their responses. Leave, and perhaps don't tell him you're leaving -- just pack a suitcase and go. Do you have a friend who understands? If not, call a shelter -- you are in danger here. His statement that "if I haven't shot you by now, I guess I never will" speaks volumes ... it means he's thought of it.

I was once in your situation. I was so immersed in that it I didn't see it for what it was. Re-read your post. And keep us in the loop.

Good luck.

What a scary story! I am so sorry you are a part of it.

Have you notified the doctor who prescribes the sleeping pills that he is taking them with alcohol and OTC pills? Even if the doctor can't talk to you because of confidentiality concerns, it seems to me he or she should know what is going on.

I wonder if there is a single prescription med that would give your husband the "almost unconscious state" he thinks he needs, without the addition of alcohol or other drugs. That might be safer. I kind of doubt he would accept that, but if the doctor ordered it ... who knows?

You are doing what you can to keep him from being a threat to others. Now protect yourself. I think you need him out of there. Maybe that would be a wake-up call that would get his attention.

I am so, so sorry for the situation you are in. For all our advances in medical science, we really don't have good infrastructure for dealing with the mentally ill.

I am also scared for you. Yes it will require him to do something drastic for him to be detained for a long period of time.

You can only change yourself. I was in your situation and I was almost killed...I got VERY lucky...you may not be so lucky. Please get away from him ... make that the first order of business. Get somewhere safe, put a restraining order on him and they will remove him from your home so you can return.

Once you are safe...then you can take action on the other things, such as having his guns taken away etc.

You will NEVER be able to make him choose to stop using, only he can do that. And by the looks of it, he won't himself. He is showing signs of alcohol/drug induced dementia...this is a very very dangerous situation.

Please please get out, before you get beaten and threatened for years like I did. Please learn from my mistakes.

Angel

Kroskow, hearing diabetes and alcohol in the same sentence always makes me nervous. Diabetics really should not drink, and if they do, then only a bit. It could be that your husband is going through metabolic dementia each morning. It clears some as his blood chemistry improves during the day, but he is damaging his brain. There may come a time that it won't improve during the day because the damage is too bad. I wouldn't be surprised if that time is soon, from what you wrote.

The hands of the law are tied until he commits a crime. The only thing you can do is to get away from him and not let him know where you are. Warn law enforcement people that he is a danger, and know that you did the best you could. I wish you could take the firing pins out of his guns or disable them in some other way. I do wish the police would find some reason to get the gun out of his possession. Unstable people should not be allowed to own one. (Legally they aren't, but proving them unstable is the problem.)

This is terrifying to read...yet because you are in the middle of it, you write about kind of "casually" which I'm sure you don't feel!!

You need to get away from him---better yet to get him away from everyone. All those triggers and he also owns guns---this is not going to end well.

It sounds like he needs a serious evaluation (in the am) and then being placed in a secure facility. Sadly, yes, something awful would have to happen before he's noticed. This sounds sadly like a man in my neighborhood who finally DID kill someone before the police and family could do something. Now he's serving life in prison---a life in a NH would be better than prison!!

Stay strong!! This is serious.