Dad has always thought he rules the world. He makes the rules; he doesn't follow them. NO one tells HIM what to do. Today I was already fed up with his daily disregard for me and my time, despite the fact that I make all of his meals, do their laundry, clip his and Mom's toenails, get their house repairs done, mow their lawn, clean up their many spills, pick them up when they fall, make all of their dr appointments and take them to them. Whenever I tell him something, he doesn't respond or says "ok" as if he's in another world. I've found that he never registers what I've said, which is really frustrating when it's time to go somewhere and he asks "where are we going?" and isn't ready.
His hearing is fine but he tunes in to only certain people in specific situations, like doctors. All others are beneath him. Today I told him I'd not eaten in over 24 hours due to having to take Mom to the hospital and he hadn't eaten breakfast, so I asked if he wanted to go get groceries with me. He said yes and just wanted to change into other pants. 25 minutes later, he's in the bedroom eating popcorn and isn't ready. I'm furious because we're late as always, so this time I leave without him.
When I return, he wants the keys and wants me to wait while he drives back to the store to get what HE wants without seeing what I bought. I've taken his keys since he had a one-car accident a week ago, and wouldn't give them to him so he berated me for that.
At the hospital he brags about his country club life to random, usually black, nurses because...well, what black female in the south doesn't want to hear some old white man brag about his former country club and who was there?
Today, he wanted to give Mom "holy communion." I stopped him and pointed out that oral fluids and food of any sort were strictly forbidden and there was a sign in the room stating that. Instead of just saying "Oh, I didn't know," he said "to hell with them!" I got mad and stopped him but an hour later, he tried again. I got fed up and said "why are you so arrogant?" why do you think that NO rules apply to you?" he got mad back and said something is wrong with me, so I left and told him I hope he finds his way home (It's only a mile but he'll get lost).
Right now I'm disgusted with him. Mom says he's never uttered an apology in his entire life. She spent decades yelling at him because he doesn't even acknowledge her otherwise.
I need a different perspective.
Your father was going to give your mother communion. Is he ordained? Does he think she is dying? What was the communion thing all about? I understand that as a narcissist he makes the rules, but where did this particular notion come from? Does he have dementia or some kind of cognitive impairment? (Maybe it is hard to know given his mental illness. Has he always been this irrational?) Not getting ready when he agrees to go to the store with you might just be his typical lack of consideration, or it could indicate failing memory. Which do you think is likely?
If he's never issued an apology in his entire life, don't expect that to change now. You can't change him, but you can decide on your own actions.
I agree with jeannegibbs. Find a professional caregiver for your parents. You don't have to do it.
Even though he may have been a difficult and annoying person for most of his life, if there is something going on like mental decline, he may not be able to reason, recall what has been said or use proper judgment. So, I'd try to figure out what's going on with him right away.
I know it's difficult to sort out which is which, but, I'd not assume he's being difficult on purpose. I mistook by LO's dementia for her being spoiled, aggressive and difficult, but, later we saw the truth. It was dementia and it progressed pretty quickly.
I'd try to get him evaluated by a doctor to see what is going on. There could be any number of issues, like UTI, other infections, medication issues, etc. I'd try to rule out other things to see if there is some other cause.
Seniors can be challenging, especially if he's having mental decline. Often, you have to pick your battles, not take things personally, lower your expectations and have a lot of patience. And if you are just not comfortable with it, get someone else to do it. There are professional agencies who provide care. Can your dad afford this type of care? If not, he may qualify for help, based on need, as stated by his doctor and financial qualification.