Dad's depressed and I feel helpless. Any advice?

Does he have a computer or tablet? I live alone and am not very mobile and having a computer has pulled me through many of my darkest times. It's criminal for them not to have any programs for the residents. Can you call some local schools and other places to see if they would be willing to come and perform at the facility? This makes me so sad. I wish I could offer more solutions but I'm not familiar with these facilities. I'll be in the same situation some day as I have Medicaid and no family. I understand why he would be depressed. I'm really sorry.

Tamara, do you see for yourself that yhere are no activities, or is this what dad tells you? When you say " they told me.." who did you speak to? You need to be speaking to the Director, not aides. Do you go to dad's care conferences?

You sound so sad and defeated! As Jeanne says, try to put the guilt aside and get some help for what sounds like YOUR depression! Put on your own oxygen mask first!

Not to the Tamara but to all the other people on here. In the UK if this was happening we have a inspection / reporting system which would either enforce change or close the facility down if they failed to make the changes. Don't you have some sort of inspection system in the USA that one can go to with issues?

For me this is an absolutely necessity. If you don't have one I just wonder how many of these bloody places we could close down if we managed the audit system. The owners who take money and don't provide proper care should be in prison - it so incenses me that people who served and probably fought for their country are left to live the end of their lives in abject misery. OK so he didn't make the most of his money but that is still no reason to leave people in this state.

See #8 on page 63 of these regulations for Assisted Living in NY. The facility is required to have activities for the residents. And to have outdoor activities if at all possible. Someone has to be charge of enforcing these regulations. I'd find out and try to get it going. I know that may be something you don't have time to deal with, but isn't there an Ombudsman who help people like your dad when things are not right in a facility?

https://www.health.ny.gov/facilities/assisted_living/adopted_regulations/docs/assisted_living_residences_laws_and_regulations.pdf

There is another option. Assisted Living facilities in NC are pretty good. I know this due to the number of people who come down here from up north to get into Assisted Living, Memory Care and Nursing homes. Many are from NY, NJ, PA, etc.

They are also less expensive, though, that wouldn't matter since he is on Medicaid. You would have to apply in NC for Medicaid, but if you are considering a move, you might take a look at what states in the south have to offer. I doubt your dad would consider moving if you didn't move too.

The previous Assisted Living facility that my cousin resided sounds like something he would love.(I had to move her to Memory Care.) It had lots of activities, shopping, outings, movies, games, socials, Church service on the grounds every week, live singers every week, sometimes twice, RN on duty, a Social Director who was eager for ideas of interest to residents, 2 patios, Gazebo, activity room, living room, tv room, wonderful food and a 2 dining rooms.

I haven't read the comments. How about calling a local church and seeing if there might be someine who would go there as a volunteer and visit with your dad once a week. Another option might be to see if there is a local library that will bring books for him to read. He can call and make his selection over the pbone. Perhaps there are some students at a local community college who need someone to proof read their papers and your dad could volunteer to help them. He might be able to put an ad in the college paper and have a stream of regulars. Perhaps he could read books for the books on tape program at either a college or whatever agency helps folks who can't see. Sometimes finding ways to be useful can alleviate depression, and get people out of the rut that they are the "patient" and really quite a nice person with a lot to offer. I dont know, but these are my thoughts.

It sounds like he was a better father to you and a better friend to some of his patients whom he didn't charge for his services than a businessman. If he had drank it all away, I would have a different outlook about it but he had his reasons for not charging some of his patients even though it hurt his business. I really don't think ferris1 meant to sound so harsh and scold you for feeling the way you do. It is what it is and at this late date, there is nothing you can do about it anyway so why even mention it? So he didn't charge all who benefited from his services, maybe it made him feel better to give his patients the free dental service because he knew they couldn't afford it but needed it. Who knows? It doesn't help the situation scolding you about it though since you didn't make the decision on billing anyway so you make what you can of the situation. I didn't get the idea you felt responsible for his being there, but you were just mentioning it to let everyone know of his status. But don't let the negative thoughts or scolding deter you from having some enjoyment from your father now. Do what you can to make his days better and accept the fact that he doesn't have any money and you will be paying for some things. Make better choices than he did and see if you can make whatever time he has left as comfortable as you can.

See if there is a better facility; it could make all the difference in the world. Does he really have no income, not even Social Security? Assisted Living is usually self-pay, maybe not always. Medicaid covers skilled care facilities, and frankly, if he can qualify for that, there are lots of them that outdo the usual ALF in terms of pleasant environment and activities. It is very possible for a lower cost facility to maybe not be real posh-looking but still have a very pleasant atmosphere with activities going on, if it is run by someone who gives a hoot about the residents. And any facility might allow for volunteers to come in.

In my state, it's the state's Department of Health division of Nursing Homes, which has the oversight. Find out what your state expects the nursing home to be providing in terms of enrichment, therapy, activities, exercise and cognitive maintenance, and then report them if they are not measuring up.

Everybody's given great suggestions. Here are some tips for implementing them in the nursing home. Places like he is in, things tend to disappear. I wouldn't think that laptop would last long. Sorry to be so cynical.

Get a CD player at a thrift store. Even a cassette player and cassettes from Goodwill.

Get a plastic rolling set of drawers for the art supplies and games you will keep in his room, with each drawer labelled.

A big bulletin board for his room, colorful, for the photos of yourself and him as a younger man, and photos of your child. And a large area on the bulletin board for your messages to staff. There will be caring people there who will be glad that you posted "His snack is Yogurt and it is in the frig with his name on it." and "THANK YOU for giving him his playing cards after dinner" / "He likes a light on at night"/ "Thank YOU for your kind care of my father." "Here's my phone number, call any time"/ because, if there's lots of staff turnover, they need a quick way to get up-to-speed on him.

Give a thank-you card to a different staff person by name, each week, or each time you visit. They know you're noticing.

ALSO -- how about a Vitamin D3 deficiency? He may be low on his D3 and B vitamins.

And finally, I would go to local churches and ask or post a request for them to visit him. Maybe someone would adopt him as their compassionate service. You could make a nice flyer with his photo, and ask for someone to help by visiting him, in between your visits. Stress that he doesn't need "saved." You just want someone to visit him and be pleasant, and communicate with you about it.

You need help, and can't do this all yourself. You sound very tired and sad. I will pray that you find a good reliable volunteer who has a heart to help.

Alternately, you could see if any church would come and have singing programs there on a regular basis. I realize this is time and energy you don't have. But it is an investment n time, to save you energy and anguish going forward.

Bless you. This is a hard road. I was a single mom too. Set one priority at a time. Best Wishes.

Another idea -- do you have any extended family anywhere? Even so, make a GoFundMe page (it's free) asking for donations for him. I wouldn't stress he was a terrible businessman, just that he was a generous person in his life, and he is in need now. And a photo of him as a dentist, and now. It might get you some money you can buy him "extras" with.

One drawer of that rolling cabinet needs to be snacks for him. Depression and cognitive decline can be directly linked to just not eating enough. We thought my uncle had lost his mind forever, but he bounced back to normal after drinking Boost. Little packs of nuts. Granola bars. Sunflower seeds are very nutritious. Cheddar fish crackers. Pudding. A case of Boost. Get him a little refrigerator if you can.

Tamara, what a great daughter you are, and yes he deserves more. So, you're tapped out - as others say, you must do some things for yourself, now, mingled with some steps for him. How old is your daughter, how can she help - think creatively, kids are so generous-spirited, love to help, and are cleverer than us sometimes! To others' great comments I would also add, which friends would be willing to make some of the calls to churches and whatnot for you. Enlist help!! You sound like a superwoman, and that can be a tiring role... try sharing the burden this time and see how that goes. Especially since your dad's sort of in a hole because of altruism... it would be very fitting for others and not just you to help. Read and re-read the other responses before mine. HUGE hug, take care of you.