Dad won't consider moving into an apartment that's wheelchair accessible. What can I do?

Adding up all the "he wants" issues, you're in a situation that many have faced. Your father doesn't want to change, and his wants exceed his physical capacity. On the scale of equal wants and demands, your side is at the bottom because your father is demanding so much.

It's understandable that he wants life to go on w/o change and to believe that he can handle things that have probably long since become ungovernable. To admit that he's not in control of them is probably too much for him to conceive or accept. And it's a challenge for you or anyone to deal with these obsolete desires.

This can't work if you accede to his demands and perceived needs. I've found that it only does after a lot of frank talks, some resistance, but more importantly but sadly, when the parents reaches the point of being severely compromised physically and recognizes how much help he/she really needs.

There are tough and more gentle ways to deal with this. I'll only offer what I've found works; there are others here with more experience and insight on this problem.

Sometimes taking "sick time" can work as the parent realizes the son/daughter carer is human too, and gets sick too. Sometimes it doesn't work and the parent gets angry and resentful.

You can provide a list of what you and can't do, and it's non-negotiable. Ask him to provide solutions to what you can't. It may seem cruel, but you're shifting the obligation of maintaining all the stuff to him, and excluding yourself. This may just cause a stalemate though.

E.g., you can suggest difference methods of getting rid of the antiques - list different places that might take the stuff, provide estimates of the cost of delivery or pickup. I suspect he'll reject all of them though. But then, you have the right to remind him you've tried to offer solutions, he doesn't accept them, and there's nothing more you can do. Period.

It's hard to put a parent in that situation, but sometimes it's necessary.

But emphasize what you have done and can't do, and stick to your guns.

Sadly, there may come a time when your father falls, or has some kind of accident, and is forced to deal with his limitations. That might prompt a more realistic evaluation, but he may dig in his heals and resist even more b/c he doesn't want to deal with losing his mobility.

I don't know at this point that there's anything you can do except stand your ground, and recognize that he's trying to manipulate and control you, and giving in will only be a win situation for him. Then he'll expect more.

You're already stressed from trying to find solutions, knowing that he'll reject them.

This isn't much of an answer b/c there's not that much you can do when he won't cooperate, but I wanted you to know that you're not alone in this dilemma.

WindyRidge faces a similar situation. I'll PM him and ask him to offer perspective from a man's point of view. He always had good advice, and as a man, I think he's more able to not feel intimidated or tricked into feeling obligated and responsible for some of our parents' more inflexible demands.

First off: DO NOT move dad and all his junk in with you. Just do not do it.

We all could make a list of stuff we want to have/do/own...etc. An adult understands that just because you really, really WANT something, doesn't mean you get it.

Your dad is acting like a kid and "wanting" everything to be his way, and it just simply cannot be. He's a quadriplegic? HE MUST have some help, right? Or is he chasing everyone away with his attitude?

He can't safely live in a trailer in some remote area when he's wheelchair bound. You see that. He needs to be in a safe, wheelchair accessible housing where he has access to the basics. Sadly, it probably cannot be on the farm. And he can't keep all his junk, either.

Have you posed it to him like that? He sounds a tad difficult to deal with. He CAN live "alone" but within reason. Like in a group home, or an ALF. There are options.

You can facilitate all the help for him that you can muster, but if he chooses not to accept it, you can't force him.

In the bitter end, you can call APS and report his as a senior in danger, or whatever the terminology is. If he will not work with you, sometimes letting the state step in is an effective tool. A wheelchair bound, quad living alone on a farm...nope, that's not going to work.

DON'T help him to stay there. And DON'T move him in with you. Start looking for some assisted living facility and prepare yourself for the inevitable anger that will come. I'm so sorry, aging, uncooperative parents are so difficult.

Oh I love how elders think their stuff is worth a fortune, and in reality is good for goodwill or the landfill. My FIL saved 20 years worth of magazines.. crap. he brings tons of old glass wear to the river house.. said he paid lots for it..(Old chipped corell etc) while I am trying to empty the place out.. (behind his back) And I grew up with an antique business.. so I know todays values! You won't win! So try to just stay strong, and keep offering options to him.  And as to the wheelchair adapted apartment.. good idea! My daughter bought a handicapped condo because it was laid out better and on the first floor, and it's a blessing when mom visits!

Thank you!! It helps to talk it out!! I will stay strong!!

We often say "you'll have to wait for a crisis, such as a fall, to resolve this." But your Dad's crisis is here now. His rental agreement is not being renewed. There is no choice but to move SOMEWHERE. Your first priority is his safety and his is his independence. Not a lot of room for compromise, but keep trying.

Since your dad is of sound mind (is he?) he gets to say where he will live (within his financial means). I don't think that APS could interfere until he actually moves and is having trouble. But you might call them and explain the situation and see what they suggest.

If he moves to somewhere you consider unsafe, maybe he should hire his own movers.

Your dad is like my folks, legally competent but screwing things up more every day. You and I can't force our folks to anything. Old folks lose executive reasoning. Add that with macho stubborness and it's pretty hopeless to do anything with them.

I do what little they will allow then step away. Your dad and my folks will have some crisis/disaster that will force the issue.  About all you can do is keep on eye on things (any neighbors or contacts in the area?) and when he's found half dead in his stuck wheel chair call APS.  Work with them getting him placed.  DO NOT MOVE HIM IN WITH YOU. That will end badly.

It's so hard not to worry but after years of this I'm getting pretty hard hearted.

I'm guessing all this old man junk/hardware belongs in a junkyard. You and your hubs should not spend one minute messing about with that mess.

I know old guys like this. They have their beloved personal junkyards, live in old filthy places and there always the smartest guy in the room. My greatest fear is becoming one of these guys in my 80s!

Yes!!! My father is like this!! We went today and found a water pipe broje downstairs. Called landlord. My husband and son clean up the mess getting water up. My dad wants to save the ruined smelly rug!! What!! Like almost a fight bc i said no. He will not budge. He has a skeet machine just needs to be fixed. Im like when the heck are you going to use it? Now he has an open sore on the back of his leg above the ankle. Its getting cleaned by his cna. But its bad and larger then a baseball. I said ok you goung to doctilor monday then? Well no bc they will just give me a tube of neosporin like i have. I dont know what to do. We did what we could and left after several hours. Thank you for listening!!!

Been there, done that. I finally just put my foot down one day and informed my father that he WOULD be moving to an assisted living facility, because it was unsafe for him to remain at home any longer. My husband came along and together, we rented a U-Haul and moved my dad to an ALF with his favorite recliner and a few other sentimental items. Best decision I ever made.

It's also possible that your father has some early dementia, based on his irrational stubbornness. If that's the case, then for his safety and others, he cannot live in the farmhouse any longer.

Stick to your guns and put your foot down. Your father is acting like an adolescent who thinks he should be entitled to anything he wants and is invincible.

I actually understand his not wanting to move to an apartment. You lose a lot of 'freedom' in an apartment. I lived in one for 25 years and would prefer to never do it again.

You have 'wide open spaces' when you live on a parcel of land. The neighbors don't hear if you sneeze.

Is is possible to get a piece of land (1 acre) and move a handicap-accessible trailer onto it? My dad had to leave his house and move into a trailer on my property and he loved it! I placed it so he didn't have to see my house every time he went to sit on his porch and he had all the privacy he needed. BTW, I was not allowed to co-sign his loan for the trailer - they gave an 85 year old a 15 year mortgage for it, all on his own income. He was in it for a little more than 3 years. He just had to put down a bigger down-payment which amounted to about $6000 if I remember correctly. And the payments were cheaper than rent, coming in at under $350 month.

Just another option to be considered.

What a situation! I have no brilliant advice, except to remark that it reminds me of a letter to a columnist seeking advice. Elderly parents always had a huge garden while all the kids were growing up, and now the kids were all busy adults but the parents still wanted that garden. They were unable to rototill, dig, plant, hoe, or anything else, being in their 80's, but they demanded the children drop everything, come over, and plant/water/fertilize the huge garden. And of course, pick the vegetables, prepare them for canning and freezing, and do THAT, too, just like in the good old days.

Yes. The details change, but it's the same old story. "I want to pretend that nothing has changed since I was 30 and its up to you, daughter (or son) to make my illusions happen. I don't give a hoot how I'm wearing you down". So yes, make a list of what you are willing and realistically able to do. Cut it in half and present it to him. Tell him he can do whatever he wants but these are the only thing you will do. I had to do that to pry my mother out of her own pile of treasures. She hated me for while but she got over it.

I agree with calling APS. It sounds like there is no reasoning with your dad. Be the way he always was or if he has dementia, in his eyes, you are forcing him to change his lifestyle, and in his eyes you are the enemy. In a "perfect world" so to speak, Dad would be admitted to the hospital and from there to an Assisted Living. Then, you could have an appraiser come into his house and evaluate whether or not he really does have anything worth selling. You know, "one man's trash" and all that.

Right now, it's a battle of the wills and you're going to lose. You can't reason with someone who is in your father's state of mind and pushing him will only make it worse for you. APS can help, and they aren't personally connected so they won't back down if he needs to be removed for his health. It won't be sunshine and roses, but it certainly sounds like something that needs to be done. Good luck!

The solution would be to talk to the owner to see if they would help make the farmhouse wheelchair accessible. By law, they must let you have a ramp if you're in a wheelchair or use one to any level. I would work this out with the owner, start there. My next move would be to try and find a company that builds handicap ramps and call them. A friend who since left town had one built but I don't know the process for getting that done but I know it starts with getting a prescribed chair through your doctor. If you've ever noticed, most places are not handicap accessible when you're looking at private homes, most of them are just not built with wheelchairs in mind because most of them have steps  leading to the door. This is why you're probably going to need some help making the farmhouse handicap accessible

Digital, the owner of farmhouse wants the tenant to move out so that the owner can live in farmhouse. Insisting on making farmhouse accessible is not an option.

Hmmmmmm....... In that case, it would definitely be a tough situation. Is the elderly man competent? If so, then he can make his own decisions even if it means hurting himself. Has this elderly man been given a written notice to vacate? If so, then it's a good idea to get a copy of that notice for your records and let him keep a copy. What you can do if he really needs to move his rent a storage unit for his stuff. This is about the only other option unless someone else has room for his stuff. As for the broken down machinery, you can have it all taken to the shop and fixed so that it can be sold if you can't use it such as the jet skis. He probably will need a car to get around (if he can still drive). Is there any possibility of him walking again? If so, it would be a good idea to get him into physical therapy to make that happen

smilebeth, that ulcer needs more than neosporin! I had a spider bite on the my ankle a couple of years ago that didn't heal, turned into a very painful ulcer. Finally was referred to wound care at Kaiser, and they said that this kind of thing only heals with compression--tight wrapping or compression socks, in addition to whatever ointments are appropriate. It did heal with the compression socks (still have a huge scar).

Tell him the new location is too remote from neighbors and assistance, should he be in need. Additionally, you will support his location of choice only if it meets specific criteria such as being close enough to neighbors to get help if needed, good roads/access for emergency vehicles, ramps and doorways that accommodate his wheelchair etc. then let him find an acceptable location - his life, his preferences, makes it his job to find his new home.  Do not let him move in with you.  I took care of my parents until their deaths, but they were not in the least demanding and I did not have a husband.  Given what you have described it would likely be a devestating decision to bring him into your homes to live.

As suggested by someone else, you may have to become sick and inaccessible for him to comprehend how much he leans on you. I do not know how much time you have before he must move out, but if you can be sick for the next scheduled monthly visit he may be less inclined to run off his hired help in the future.

This will be a rough road. Set limits and expectations. If he has money to put a trailer on an acceptable lot, let him. If he can't put all his collections on the property, he can rent a storage unit for some items and sell what he must. You have a solution for him, if he does not accept it he will need to find something he prefers for himself.  Stand firm and set boundaries as far as what he can expect of you.

Your dad has the money but won't hire out for himself. Fine, he can handle this himself. He's trying to use your free services to get what he wants. He has several months beyond his notice date until he will be evicted. His story may change once he is served eviction papers. My vote is to let him handle his messes all by himself. I'd call Adult Protective Services and tell them your dad won't allow you to help, so you can't do anything to help, but please keep your contact info on file for when he needs rescue.

Mthr was also a hoarder and ridiculously stubborn. Her things were more important than me or her grandchildren. APS found me 500 miles away in another state. We saved her, hired out the demo and donated the land to the neighboring church. She's happily ensconced in a memory care.

I wish I had the money to get my dad what he wanted so he can live his days out like he wants. My point is he won't have anywhere to live soon. I thought the wheelchair apartment would be a solution until he finds what he wants. Property is not cheap. Rent is not cheap. I live 100miles away. Im the one who has to cut grass, snow removal, and help with bills and even tho I spent 10 plus hours I can only do so much. He needs to have aides help him shower and dress. I was just venting. My father will figure it out or not. Its just frustrating for me bc it will be winter soon and I had hoped to have him settled. I work and have a family. My sibilings can't help. His sister is fed up and can't help. I'm trying to do the best I can. I love my dad. Its hard to see his health fading.

Thank you for all your thoughts and advice! It helps to vent it out. I pray and know there are only so many things I can do. I will be there for him and do what I can. But on the things I can't he can figure that part out. I just wish he would focus more on his health then buying things to sale. But it is who he is. So I will pray, breathe a lot, and do what is in my power and leave the rest. Thanks again!!