I have a father with early onset Alzheimer's whose attitude and rudeness is becoming intolerable. He treats my brother poorly and it even came to the point where child protective services came. We cannot receive much help because he does not qualify for medical insurance and we do not make enough to pay out of pocket. I know there is other resources I can use like low cost hospitals where they can assist me in finding a skilled nursing facility, but my mother does not want to do it. She is still in denial about her husband having dementia and worse yet would rather take care of him till she gets physically and mentally tired of it, even if it means receiving little to no help. How can I her twenty one year old daughter convince her that this is not right?
You're looking at it from the perspective of an adult child. But this is your mom's husband, her partner, and the father of her children. From what you wrote she is very devoted to him.
As time goes on your dad will get worse and your mom may be more amenable to listening to your point of view but until that time comes just try to be supportive of her and help out when you can. That's about all you can do right now.
One thing about insurance. Now people must be accepted for insurance even with a pre-existing condition. If you dad can no longer work, your parents may qualify for a subsidy. If you mom is too upset to look into this, see if you can help or a friend of your parents. I'm not saying it will be free, but likely there will be some help.
Good luck,
Carol
Nursing home insurance is private pay until the assets are at a certain level to qualify for Medicaid. Likely you parents aren't there yet. Also, as was mentioned, he may not be ready for nursing home care.
Carol
Is there a friend that would take in your brother? He and Dad should be enjoying ball games, school functions together, talking about girls, etc. If brother is with a friend he could still see dad whenever he desires, the stress level would reduce significantly in the household for everyone. If your mother wants to keep dad at home any reduction in stress would help to make the living situation more livable for everyone. I know this would be a very difficult decision to make.
You can go ahead and find out what help and benefits are available .
Your mother will sooner or later feel as though she doesn't know what to do. That is a good time to tell her what you know , because she is more likely to listen,,,,That is the pull .
You can leave the push up to your dad . It sounds like he is working on that already .
The next thing is the hardest, do not alienate your mother. Take her to a restaurant for brunch, out to tea, shopping etc. Do not bring up your Dad, just give her time off until she asks for help. She might never ask, but at least will see you as an ally.
Talk with your brother about flying below your Dad's radar. This is a skill he will need in many other situations in life.
Your mother may or may not come out of denial and realize something needs to be done. It may come to the point to where you and your brother will have to be more demanding and aggressive in getting done what needs to be done. You've received some good advise from others here....take it as it comes and be supportive of your mother and family. Prep yourself for a bumpy ride. You'll probably in the future have to take-on roles and do things that you never imagined. Just know, that's not unusual. You can vent here.
May peace find you, your father, mother and family.
It reminds me of my neighbour telling me about friends of hers. The wife had Alzheimer's, and the husband's sister said she had "brought it on herself." My neighbour and I agreed that this judgement was… a bit harsh. To put it mildly.
The point is, that people are sometimes bafflingly ignorant about dementia. Sometimes they just don't believe in it, sometimes they have wildly wrong notions about it. But if she is going to be your father's caregiver your mother has a lot to learn. And if she won't learn - perhaps because she doesn't believe there is any such thing as dementia, for example - then she cannot continue to be your father's caregiver. If things continue as they are, your mother will end up being guilty of abuse. If she isn't already. Mocking your father, or "gloating" as you put it, is abusive behaviour.
I'm not sure what to suggest. But rather than resent your mother, maybe pick up the phone to your local social services and seek advice? What you can't really do is just leave things - it could end in disaster. I'm sorry to be so doom-laden, I do wish you the best of luck.