I am struggling and could deal with some advice please from people who have been through the same thing. My dad has mental health issues that have never been treated (see above). Growing up with him was stressful and I think his eccentric behaviour, constant lies, mood swings, cruel remarks, put downs, debt etc have definitely left their mark on my sister and me. Now we are older He has never gone out of his way to visit us or keep in touch. I see him once a year and it is strained and I am relieved to get away. My issue is that he is now elderly and ill in hospital. His neighbors contacted me with the expectation that I and my sister should be caring for him. They do not know about how he can really be as keeps up an act of a 'sweet old man' we know that this isn't the case. He also moved almost 4 hours away and I gave mobility problems and it is a huge effort to physically get there. For a long time I feel huge anger towards my dad for everything he has said and done over the years. A part of me also feels sorry for him that he is now elderly and suffering. How do I cope with this? I am struggling and have issues of my own which I believe are because of my difficult childhood. I would be grateful for any advice from anyone who has been through a similar thing. Many thanks.
That he needs care is true. It does not follow that you and your sister must shoulder responsibility for providing for it. Don't let anyone pull a guilt trip on you.
There are so many conflicting emotions as well as guilt however I feel I need to protect myself first. He has caused so much pain and suffering over the years. In a way I understand that the mental illness is not his fault however his words and behaviour can be so damaging.
Untreated or sometimes treated mental illness can ruin lives and families.
And Amy, I'm in your shoes!
".......did the best they could?" Hmpf!!, not in my case.
Love your last reply Amy, will be thinking of you, this is is sooo hard. Aging Care has helped me tremendously!
You're right, he definitely charms everyone and then people think the problem is my sister and me! There are social services here and am hoping they can get involved with any care needed.
It's good to speak to someone who understands what it can be like, thanks. And I will use your reply about 'more to the story' if any neighbors etc try to guilt trip.
I understand what you're saying William, we only have one father, mother and some people don't have either however we would have been better off mentally and financially had he left when we were young and we never saw him again. His words and behaviour were more than 'annoying qualities' he can be psychologically damaging. He is old now but the same personality/mental illness is there. There are lots of other things that he did which I don't want to go into but that make it difficult to be around him. It is ok to work on forgiveness for your own sanity and wellbeing but that doesn't mean you have to endure seeing the person regularly.
As people age, they seem so frail and incapable of harm. People who meet them in, say their 70's or later think, "Oh, this poor woman/man, no family around them in their time of need"...and the truth may be that this poor old soul spent their kids' formative years beating the C$ap out of them. We do NOT know what goes on behind closed doors. As I said, People reap what they sow.
No, it isn't fair, but it happens. Often people want to get as far away from their "triggers" as possible. I don't want to see mother suffer, and I won't let her, as far as I can help it, but I WILL NOT put my sanity on the line so she can be treated like a little queen.
Guilt ate at me for years, then one day my therapist said to me "Christ said to turn the other cheek. He didn't say "stand there and let someone beat/bully you to death". I liked that.
DON'T bring your dad home. The same dynamic that existed in your childhood will still be there.
While it is sad that he is alone and sick, you didn't do this to him. Sadly, in life we reap what we sow. I'd work with your social workers to find him a safe place to live and continue to live my life. You owe him that much, as your father.
When my abusive, mean and horrid uncle died, (he had been in education for 40 years, so you'd think he'd have touched a few lives, right?) there were 20 people at the funeral, if that. I went b/c Mother needed a ride. His own kids were there. The pastor of his church was there. Seriously, 20 people, and nobody shed a tear or mourned a day.
Don't let his past behavior of you define who you are now. Therapy has been a godsend for me--a place to vent, get fresh methods of coping, etc.
Forgiveness may or may not come in this life--that's OK. You need to heal you and sadly, your dad is now getting what he "deserves". I'm sorry for your situation, but do NOT let him guilt trip you into taking care of him now.
I'm sorry to hear about your experiences with your uncle. Therapy sounds like a valuable thing to do and am glad that it has helped you.
I think it's something I'm going to look in to.
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