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Hi,
I have only posted here once before, but I literally go on here every day because I find it such a comfort. My parents both fell ill at the same time and they were unable to move back to their house. I had asked and then begged them to move closer to me or sell their house and move to somewhere in their area more friendly to seniors, but my Dad refused to move.


After they fell ill it was suggested I move them into a nursing home from rehab, but I found them a place in assisted living (the place they are in can take people who should be in a nursing home). My mom ended up dying about 16 months ago. My Dad moved into another room in assisted living about a year ago to get a fresh start (he picked the room and made the decisions). Now lately he has been very insistent he wants to move back to the house. He is in a wheelchair and paralyzed on his left side and cannot walk anymore. He is incontinent and has a history of severe urinary tract infections. When he gets a cold or gets ill he gets very, very sick and more and more his throat gets impacted and he has to go on a special diet with ground up food (they do that for him there). They take great care of him and they really like him. He hasn't had a bad UTI in a long, long time and he was getting them constantly when he lived at home with my mom.


I feel for safety reasons he shouldn't move back home. I am worried about trying to juggle care takers and figure out medication and food and feel something catastrophic would happen. I come back and visit a lot, but even if I lived in the house with him I wouldn't be able to help much because he is like dead weight and he needs trained professionals because of all of his special health concerns.


He seems unable to process how precarious his health is and believes he is in better health than he is. He doesn't think he needs 24/7 health care.


Does anyone have any suggestions or tips for me? He's upset he isn't getting PT, but he was cut off from medicare PT because they say he is at his baseline. I then was able to get him PT to help him transfer from the bed to the wheelchair, but he reached his baseline on that as well.

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First off, UTI is infection in the bladder and can easily reach the kidneys. Kidney infections are life threatening! The idea of living alone is not an option and 5-6 caregivers every day would be too expensive for a wealthy person.

With that said, give him options for what he can do. PT (physical therapy) doesn't stop when the perceived baseline is reached, he can and should continue to exercise his ability to care for his self. Make sure he does everything he can for his self even pouring is own drink, cutting his meat so small to not choke. (Safely) Change his own clothes, brush his teeth, shaving (and cleaning the sink up) get in and out of the bathroom....... these everyday challenges we take for granted are impossible after loss of these functions. Give him things to occupy him and help with moving.... even a checker board takes control of hand, thinking and socializing. Get out of his room and make friends!
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sallyb13,
You are in a difficult place. It is emotionally upsetting to not be able to do all we want to for our parents. He lives in an assisted living facility, does he still have a house he owns? Let him know you love him and you are more than happy to do whatever you can within your means to make him comfortable. Love him, visit him and keep the thought that you are doing what is best for him. He sounds medically complex. Unless you have the means to hire appropriate care, it sounds unsafe to take him home. That may not make him super happy but that is OK because you know he is safe. Maybe he would like company for dinner or ride in his chair around the grounds. Play cards and visit as often as you can. Do the best you can to make him comfortable. The results of that will be much better than taking him home to live alone. He may not even realize he cannot take care of himself. Hugs and strength.
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Robert - Do NOT yell. It makes you look unhinged.
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PEOPLE, IF YOU LOVE YOUR FAMILY, WHETHER IT IS YOUR PARENTS OR GRANDPARENTS, DONT PUT THEM IN NURSING HOMES OR ASSISTED LIVING FACILITIES !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THOSE PLACES ARE A FRAUD. THEY WILL JUST TAKE YOUR MONEY OR YOUR INSURANCE COMPANY MONEY. KEEP THEM AT HOME AND HIRE SOME HELP AT HOME. IF THEY ARE TELLING YOU THEY DONT WANT TO STAY IN THOSE HORROR HOUSE PLACES LISTEN TO THEM. I LOST MY GRANDMOM IN THE BRONX, AT A NURSING HOME DUE TO NEGLECT. THEY WANTED TO MAKE ME BELIEVE THAT THEY WERE INTERESTED IN HELPING HERE. BULL...I HAD TO CLEAN HER EVERY DAY BECAUSE THEY DID NOT WANT TO DO IT. THEY DID NOT EVEN GIVE HER THE MEDICINES AND PUT HER IN A COLD ROOM UNTIL SHE GOT PNEUMONIA AND DIED. THOSE PLACES KNOW HOW TO PROTECT THEMSELVES AND THEY USE YOUR FAMILY MEMBERS AGE TO ARGUE THAT THEY WERE OLD ANYWAY AND WERE GOING TO DIE. THEY DONT GIVE PEANUTS ABOUT PEOPLE. THEY ARE RUTHLESS INSENSITIVE ANIMALS. THEY MAKE FRIENDS WITH POLITICIANS SO THAT THEY WILL HAVE A WAY TO GET OUT OF A LAWSUIT. PROTECT YOUR FAMILY, PROTECT YOUR PARENTS AND GRANDPARENTS. DONT GIVE YOUR MONEY TO THESE DISGUSTING PLACES. KEEP YOUR FAMILY PROTECTED AT HOME. GET SOMEOONE TO HELP YOU. INSURANCE COMPANIES OFFER LONG TERM CARE FOR PERSONS WITH CHRONIC DISEASES. KEEP THEM AT HOME PLEASE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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rovana Oct 2019
From what the poster says Dad is doing better medically at this facility than he did at home!  Not surprising really - regular meals are a big deal to maintain health.  Dad wants to go home - but he cannot take care of himself! Is he financially able to hire round-the-clock aides? Few people are. So what would his actual situation be?  Alone in his house? And is it reasonable to expect OP to try to do lifting of an adult who is dead weight? I think not. 
The thing here is this: needs are one thing, preferences are another. Sounds like Dad's needs are being met in this facility. Preferences? ONLY if it works for EVERYONE who would be helping.  It is simply a matter of common sense and fairness.  Fact is Dad's health is in decline - of course he wishes he could go back to the pre-decline past, but there is no time-machine.  And the caregivers are just as much entitled to their lives as Dad is!  And that is the real issue as far as I'm concerned. None of us have the "right" to devour another's life.  And what parent, thinking clearly, would wish to?
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Lots of good advice here.  I'd suggest you decide in your own mind, and communicate this as well as  you can to Dad, that you will NOT DO ANYTHING to make his wish to go home happen, nor will you assist him in any way if he did manage to go home. NADA!  Sounds brutal, but in his case, going home is ridiculous and certainly not in his best interest. I believe it is kindest to just shut it down, rather than temporize.  But in case of dementia, then making up excuses might work.
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Sally, your dad is exactly where he needs to be.

I told my dad that he could do whatever he could pull off. No help from me whatsoever.

Can you encourage your dad to start going grocery shopping and start taking care of things that he would be handling at home? This might show him how compromised his health and mobility is. Get him to go out to lunch by himself via uber or taxi. Maybe someone you know that you could ask to pretend to be a rideshare driver to ensure that he is safe but no help from the driver. Might be a round trip with no lunch, but a lesson learned.

You can tell him that you will not be propping him up in anyway, shape or form if he chooses to make this really bad choice. Make it clear that he will be doing this 100% on his own.

If he thinks that he can manipulate you into doing things that you don't want to you may find disconnecting when the subject of moving home comes up. Ya know dad, I love you and I believe that you are exactly where you need to be to get the best care possible, I am not even going to talk to you about moving home, I think that you would die a painful death and I refuse to be a part of it. If you move, know that I won't be around. I can't watch the train wreck happen, I love you to much. Repeat as needed.

Make it as uncomfortable for him as possible to go and as comforting as possible to stay.

Can he afford to have PT come in? Maybe a personal trainer that can be trained by PT to get him as mobile as possible? Is he doing all the exercises that PT has given him for homework?

I am sorry that you are going through this. It is difficult enough without constant demands to go home.
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Sally - - you've mentioned PT and Medicare a few times here...

Medicare used to stop physical therapy when the patient STOPPED SHOWING IMPROVEMENT...

Several several years back, that requirement was changed to it being acceptable to continue physical therapy if it's helping the patient MAINTAIN their abilities or functionality.

Unfortunately, some facilities either seem not to know this or never updated their standards, so they still go by "the old way"...

You might want to call for more updated information directly from Medicare about this - - having PT might be an interim reason in your dad's mind to keep him at the AL - - every little bit helps.
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Mort1221 Oct 2019
Excellent point!
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I’m confused!! Sallyb13 was the original poster but Babs75 keeps responding and posting. Are these two different people or the same? Or was the thread hijacked?
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Babs75 Oct 2019
Sorry, I am in the same boat as Sallyb13 and the thread has morphed. I'll back off now.
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Babs, your dad is where he needs to be.

You are his guardian, correct? Meaning that YOU are the person charged with keeping him safe and with using his money wisely. Keeping him "happy" is a distant third.

It must be excruciating being a guardian for one's parent. There is no shame in going back to the court and asking for an impartial stranger to take over. That might be less of a trigger for your dad.
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disgustedtoo Oct 2019
If you have read all her posts, here and elsewhere, her "guardianship" isn't really 100%. They have tied her hands somewhat (I learned about this after reading one of her posts - the courts TRY to allow the person as much "independence" as possible. Clearly the court people involved here have their head up their butts.) I believe it was related elsewhere, but also in a comment here, Dad does NOT allow her to touch his pension check. I also recall something about a trust, which she isn't allowed to touch without court approval. Before the hospital and move, he would NOT allow her into his house - courts were not helping her with that. So, although she is 'partly' a guardian, she doesn't have full control, so saying she is charge with keeping him safe and using his money wisely is somewhat misdirected (BTW, she also needs court approval to move him!) Sounds like her "control" over ANY of his issues are less than anyone with POA would have (which means we have very little control over these very issues.)

If it were me at that last "review", I would have straightened them out big time! Perhaps they would think me unhinged and take away the guardianship, at which point I would say fine, you're soooo smart, YOU do it!
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Try to change the subject. If he keeps on about moving, make excuses and/or place the blame elsewhere. House/apartment needs repairs, doc won't approve until you get better, etc.

At this point, clearly he is where he needs to be. They like him, they take good care of him and there is no way someone who has issues like his can live "alone." I hear you about the "dead" weight - it is one (only one) of the reasons there is no way I could care for my mother. She outweighs me by a lot and was unstable enough before the walker and now refuses to stand/walk without someone's assistance (the less she tries, the more reliant she will become, but you can't get that through the thick skull!)

While it is hard on you to say no, it would be harder to try to take this on (not to mention WAY more expensive!) Bring him little treats. Try to change the subject. Maybe you could hire someone who could come in to "play" as PT.

It doesn't sound like actual PT/OT would do any more good. We had them come in for mom, but she refused to work with them, so Medicare won't pay and they released her stating "Goals Met." What goal would that be, making you go away??? :-D

You did say they offer exercise classes in his place, but he doesn't go. Someone working with him one-to-one might work better, as perhaps he is self-conscious in front of others. If it does, it can occupy some of his time. It likely won't make things any better, but maybe he would "do" the exercises suggested when the person is not there, like PT has you practice. If not, well, only a little money wasted.
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No way dad should be moving back to your home. You're right tho, that he just can't see things the way they are... Please just stick to your guns, & ride it out...(not moving back home, dad...period). It's hard to do the right thing usually.
Take ❤ care.
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I have a few questions, first is your parents house still available for him to go back to, has it been maintained empty since they moved to AL or is someone living in it? Is your father mentally capable of making a move happen on his own? Is he physically capable of living on his own according tot the medical professionals? If he is cognitively and physically capable of doing this on his own, there is probably far less you can do to prevent it if he really is determined but if he isn’t capable physically (or mentally) I would let his medical team take the responsibility for making that call, you are simply following their orders/advice.

It might be helpful and necessary to go over your understanding of the reasons they don’t feel he’s ready to live on his own, can’t walk on his own, cant move from wheelchair to bed on his own, incontinence causes UTI’s that need to be recognized quickly...ability to exercise (maybe PT to teach him how to exercise on his own, take advantage of classes and equipment available, could be ordered). But if I were in your position I wouldn’t take the hard line as though you are insisting he stay where he is I would kind of ride that line of understanding his desire to go back to the house and the barriers keeping that from happening now. He may need that carrot of possibility in the future he will be able to to go back, that he has some ability to control that but the out to decide for himself that it isn’t time yet. If someone is living at the house that might be another reason now isn’t the time or maybe the relationships he and your mom built where he is living before she passed.

If he is not able to cognitively grasp it and there is some dementia or decline in that area it’s also possible when he says he wants to go home he isn’t actually talking about the home you think. If that could be the case maybe it’s worth exploring a bit.
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Babs75 Oct 2019
He has only been in AL 3 weeks. Yes, his house is still there with all his stuff in it and he goes back with a caregiver a couple times a week. Dad has LBD. I have been involved with his care nearly 5 years and I have seen him go downhill. I think back to what he was able to comprehend back then and it makes my mind go crazy. He is very frail. He walks with a walker. Dad's worst enemy is himself. He dictates everything when he's in that house; what he wants everyone to do (including me), how much he allows the caregivers to spend on groceries (only about $15 a week - mostly chocolate milk and he's diabetic), and he is not able to make decisions regarding his safety and well-being. This last round that put him in the hospital was because he thought someone was looking in his windows and were telling him they were going to kill him. My sister got the call in the middle of the night from the paramedics. Not the first round of paranoia and hallucinations and he is on plenty of anti-anxiety meds. He makes a lot of threats and he is not capable of making a move back to the house on his own. I have finally been able to get the med management he needs as he would not allow that in his own home. He is finally eating and drinking proper food/beverage. He is finally taking regular showers. Something he would not do at home. He does not understand that he shouldn't take walks on his street because it is busy and there is merely a bike lane and a ditch to walk in. Too many things wrong with the house and he has too much control there and has everyone running in circles around him, all the while he is making improper decisions for his care.
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Talk to the people at the Assisted Living facility to find out if they have any advice. Often when people want to go "home" they mean they want to be the way they used to be when they were independent. It sounds like your father might need a full-time aide if he moves home. Is the house accessible for a wheel chair? Can he afford it? You'd have to hire and oversee the aide(s). It's possible to do this, but much more involved than having a loved one in a good facility where they are well taken care of. Also, do you have POA for his medical and financial affairs? Be sure you get this while his mind is still good. Does he have medical directives (a living will)? Does he have a will? All of these are advisable. Perhaps his doctor can also advise you and him about the realities of moving back to his home and whether it is recommended. In my opinion, if you are not there all the time to oversee things, even if you get aides, it becomes difficult for you, as you are responsible to make sure they are caring for him well and acting with integrity. It would be easier if you can pursuade him to stay in AL. And is it possible to sell the house so that this would no longer be an option, or do you want to keep it?
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Babs75 Oct 2019
Before the move to AL, dad had care 7 days a week, 6 hours a day at his house. It was long felt that he needed to move from the house as 24 hour care would be $20,000 - $25,000 per month in my area and the house really isn't set up for an older person. It is dark and sits back in the woods. Many trip hazards outside. Since he's moved to AL, we have kept the care service for 3 days a week, 6 hours a day. They take him to all of his appointments and get him out and about and they return to the house for visits a couple times a week. I work full time so I rely on the help of a care manager to run all of this for me. I am his guardian and conservator and I think that's what really frustrates him. Yes, his will is at my house locked up. I would love to sell his house but that would take him over the top right now. Not to mention he still owns 2 cars that he can't drive. We keep one at the AL for the caregiver to drive. I would love to be done with all of that and just focus on him. Baby steps....
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Ask him what he likes about the idea of moving back home:
Does he long for familiar surroundings?
Does he long for more privacy?
Does he long for the good ol' days?
Has there been a recent change in his environment that upsets him?

For the 1st 3 answers, reminiscing may help. Ask him to tell you about the earlier times in his life and what he enjoyed about those days. Try to incorporate occasional surprises that recall those earlier times: favorite dessert (modified for his diet needs, of course), favorite hobbies or activities, or playing music from an earlier time that he loves.

For the last answer, knowing about recent changes helps to figure ways to deal with change. If he misses PT, maybe his place has a group exercise class that he would be willing to attend. If his new room is noisier or has an unpleasant neighbor, maybe he would enjoy headphones during the "noisy period" and listening to music or the radio. Maybe he misses mom and he needs to be able to talk about her with family, friends, or a grief group.
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Hi! I have been going through the same situation for about 2 years! My dad is legally blind, in a wheel chair and getting a little forgetful but thinks he can live by himself. It is such a hard situation, I know exactly how you feel. My dad seems mentally ok but has been slipping, I started keeping a journal of the things he says and does. This has helped me a lot, I take a picture of of it and send It to my sister who lives out of town, keeps her up on what is going on. I visit every other day if he starts in about moving, I leave!! He has written his 30 day notice to move twice now, has it ready to give to the facility. He has a magnifier with a big monitor he uses to read and write. My sister and I met with his doctor, we told him the situation. At his next appointment the doc told him he could not recommend that he live alone, it would be too dangerous, if he fell it would be the doctors fault. This has stopped it for now but I am sure it is only temporary. I have POA but not guardianship so I could not legally stop him. He lives in a lovely facility with his dog but grips about everything and refuses to go to any activities, hates the food! I have done everything I can to try to make him happy but I have decided it is not going to happen, if I did move him, he would be frustrated and would still not be happy. I have come to accept that he is in the right place where he is receiving the care he needs, I have found comfort in knowing that. You are doing what is best for your dad, blessings and good luck to you!!
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disgustedtoo Oct 2019
"I have done everything I can to try to make him happy but I have decided it is not going to happen, if I did move him, he would be frustrated and would still not be happy."

That about sums it up everyone! Happiness comes from within. We cannot make anyone else happy - we might temporarily see smiles and a little happiness, but that's about it.
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I get the same thing from my Mom (83 with dementia) who is in assisted living. Lately she tells me she wants to get a job, a dog and move back home or with me. Its sad because there is absolutely no way she could even begin to take care of herself, even though she thinks she can. Please know that you are not alone!

I just keep telling her how nice the place is where she is, how good the food is, nice the staff is. etc. etc. all of those she agrees with.
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disgustedtoo Oct 2019
Getting a dog!!! Mom was never really a "pet" person. She tolerated us having a dog when we were growing up, even for a short while we had guinea pigs and even some pet mice and a parakeet. But, once we all moved out, no pets. She's even gone as far as to tell me that I shouldn't get any more when the cats I have are gone. So, imagine my surprise when one day when I went to visit her in MC, she had a pic of a little white dog and announced she was going to have my YB get one for her!!! Sure, she would oooh and ahhh and coo over those little pocket dogs people have but to actually have one, no way! I had OB get her a robotic one from WM during his last visit. He had sent her a robotic cat back when she was still in her condo, but despite being fascinated by what it can do, her first two comments were exactly what I predicted (I was there on the phone with him when it arrived and took it in.) What did he waste his money on that for and he should have sent that to you!! She still has both, but doesn't very often do anything with them.
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My Dad is 93 and in denial how bad things are. The going home bit comes up every few months and is like an obsession. He has vascular dementia. Needs help with washing and dressing. Is often incontinent at night and has spells when in bed for days. He says I’ve let him down by not letting him home. Tries the pleading “ please don’t leave me here” and the aggressive one “ I am going home”He also does this to staff.
its taken me a long time to come to terms with all this and accept.
i now say it’s out of my hands to him and Doctor will never allow. He argues doc is hopeless but I say you will still need to convince him and probably a second opinion. If he gets aggressive I leave.
If he says he’s well enough I go down the doctor route and say full picture will be looked at and not snapshot of today a good day.
I visit once a week now as too draining and have hardened up. Takes practice so I empathise.
This is also about you and you need to care for yourself. They become selfish and don’t care how you are affected .
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Babs75 Oct 2019
Well, this seems to be a common theme here. I usually visit every Saturday but my visits are becoming less and less enjoyable, even before the move to AL. A lot of the time before was to do filing of financial stuff at his house. He still pays some of the utilities (has his own checking account) with our help to write the checks. He is particularly upset with me now that I have forwarded the mail to my house. Makes my job as conservator easier now but I am still not 'allowed' to cash his pension check. That would create WWIII. I take him to the bank for that one.
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My MIL is in a nursing home and she hates it there. She wants to come home. That's all we ever hear. The food is horrible (she's gained 20 lbs this year so it can't be too bad), they abuse her by making her wear shoes when transferring to the bathroom ... she has a long list of reasons. She has begged and begged to come back home. So - we worked with the nursing home to help her do this. First, she MUST start walking. No more wheelchair to the bathroom, no more wheelchair to meals. She MUST graduate to Assisted Living and be there for 6 months with no falls. Since the plan has been presented to her, she has stopped demanding to come home. She refuses to even try to walk to the bathroom. If she were to bring it up again, we would tell her that she has a plan and as soon as she starts working on it, we'll try to help her come home.
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jjmummert Oct 2019
Sounds like a very effective approach.
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The hardest word is "No". You could just tell him that he’s too disabled to move home. That you wished it weren’t so but that he and you must face facts and reality. I wouldn’t even put the idea of hiring caregivers out there. You can also make his doctor the heavy. Tell him you need to know he’s safe and cared for. I’m not sure why the house wasn’t sold ages ago. It can’t be in good shape not being lived in for so long. When he brings it up just have a pat saying like "the doctor says it would be dangerous " or something and then redirect. It’s tough when you have to tell them no.
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Babs75 Oct 2019
Yes, I use the doctor thing all the time.......The house was his wife's before their marriage in 1985. I guess I can't blame him for not wanting to move from it since he's been there 34 years. She passed away in 2015. Her hospital bed is still in the living room, her clothes in the closet. He has never allowed me to get rid of them and I haven't pushed. He finally admitted to my sister recently that the move to AL makes him feel like he's leaving her all over again (I knew in my mind that was part of the problem.) I am going to contact his geriatric psych about having this conversation again at his visit next month. It will be the first one since he's moved out.
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It's so difficult to listen to when you want them to be happy or at least not in a fit of wanting to go home. Just yesterday my mom's brain slipped into the past and she wanted to be back at the house I was raised in, where she hasn't lived for over 50 years. She thought my dad, who died 8 years ago, would be wondering where she was. She hadn't left him a note. I took her for a ride into the country side and it calmed her down, but she still thought she saw my dad through the window, making her dinner, when we returned to the assisted living home. When we go inside and she saw he wasn't there, I told her that he went fishing. She accepts that these days. But how to let her know she can't go to the home she thinks she lives in? I tell her the memories I have of how she and my dad moved to the current town and what a great and smart move it was. She does not remember the house they planned and had built and I never mention that house. I guess your dad has his mental faculties somewhat, but that he is so unaware of his physical disabilities is hard for you to explain. They can't go back. They need too much professional help. My mom really relaxes with foot massages and I like to go the more natural routes to calm her instead of medicating her further. Are massages offered where your dad is?
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sallyb13 Oct 2019
Thanks! I will look into massages for him.
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You just mentioned court paperwork. Are you, or is someone, his guardian? That requires the guardian to place the person in the most appropriate place for their safety- or the guardian can/will be liable. If this is the case, cut back your visits. You can't put yourself in the position of potentially going to jail to make dad happy.
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Babs75 Oct 2019
I am his guardian and conservator. Have been pushed by doctors and his care service for a long time to place him somewhere but no one could quite figure out how to make that happen until his recent hospitalization. Too stubborn to move.
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A thorough exam medical & psychological will give you the answers/support you need. Speak or meet with doctor alone beforehand to let them know your dad's wishes & your concerns. THEN let the doctors address EACH of his problems and let THEM be ones to tell him (possibly provide paperwork to legally prevent him from moving back).
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Babs75 Oct 2019
We've been through all of that. He won't let them get a word in edgewise. He's really stubborn. He's been shown all the paperwork, letter from geriatric psych, and court paperwork.
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We have the very good fortune to be able to enlist the services of a gentle and compassionate psychiatric PA, who has done wonderful things with very small doses of anti-anxiety meds and periodic visits.
Whether or not you are dealing with early or moderate dementia, sometimes a small trial dose of medication can mean the difference between “placid” and “panicked”.

In our situation, it’s been a huge Blessing.
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Babs75 Oct 2019
Dad is monitored by a geriatric psych. He is on several anti anxiety meds. His seroquel has been quadrupled since he started 1-1/2 years ago. He has been on sertraline for 4 years.
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In my dad's situation, he has a lot of money but he will run out if he stays at home and we bring in 24 hour care. It is cost prohibitive here. And it would do nothing to fix how he eats (he won't let the caregivers spend money on good food when they go to the store), won't force him to drink more liquids (he is eating and drinking a LOT more at assisted living with access to 24 hour food and beverages), he lives on a busy street with no sidewalks - not good for going on his walks!, refuses to bathe at home but is doing much better at the assisted living because it is set up for it, gets no socialization at home living in a dark, dreary house. and refuses to let med management in his house - required at assisted living. In order for him to go back to his house, it would require many 1000's in renovations. I tried having someone come in to quote on handrails and such and he was so rude while they were there that they would not call me back. I think I'm going to start cutting back on my visits.............this is all he can seem to talk about right now.
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cherokeegrrl54 Oct 2019
Please read Roynebergs post....it has an excellent plan for their elder to “go back home”.....even though the person wont actually do the required work, whether they physically/mentally could, it puts the decision back on them.....in other words, if your elder wants to “go home” he would be required to be able to walk, toilet, etc....you know he is in the proper place now where his needs are met and he is safe...thats where he needs to stay. And yes, cut back on your visits, as hard as that can be for you....many blessings to you as you walk this caregivers journey 💖
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The therapeutic fib is best here: Keep working on getting stronger and maybe the doctor will release you to home. It gives hope & dignity and keeps you from being the bad guy.
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That’s so sad. You’re doing the best that you can for him. Of course he can’t go home.

I hope he finds peace in his heart. I guess all you can do is empathize with his feelings.

Best wishes for your family. 💗
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Well, today was a bit of a disaster. Dad (age 93) has been in assisted living for 3 weeks now and the only thing he talks about is going home. I visit with him every Saturday as I have done the last 4-1/2 years (with the exception of about 6 times per year for camping trips), but I think I'm going to start cutting back on my visits after today. He is in a beautiful place with lots to do. The food is excellent. He is getting plenty of beverages (he ended up there because he became dehydrated at his house and was in the hospital for a week.) He is enjoying the exercise classes. When he was at his house, he used to complain continually about how bad he hated it there and would also want to be away. Now that he is away, all he can talk about his going home. We tried to reason with him (yeah, I know - can't reason with someone who has dementia) but he wasn't having any of it. He doesn't understand why he needs 24 hour care. Doctors say so. Wants to go back to 6 hours per day. At the assisted living, we bring in 6 hours a day 3 times a week. I tried to tell him that most the people there don't get that option. It was like talking to a brick wall. I finally left after 1-1/2 hours. I'm so done right now.
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againx100 Oct 2019
Geez that's frustrating. But, what can you do? They get stuck on ideas and just make conversation so difficult.

Maybe make your answers more vague instead of telling him no? "Oh, you want to move back home? I'm not sure if that would work out. Let me check into it."

Might be best to not expect him to understand your explanations. Try to change the topic (have one in mind!) and maybe get him to go for a walk or do an activity of some sort (also, one you have planned already just for this type of situation).
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I’m going through same thing with my mother who has dementia, currently living in assisted living facility. Every time I visit she stresses it’s imperative that she get out of there and let her go back home. In her case she’s very clear she means her previous apartment.

At my last visit, I explained to her returning to live on her own was not possible, she then became verbally abusive to me, it was hard to grasp this was my mother. I’m hurt that mom thinks I’m in a conspiracy with doctors and caregivers to keep her in assisted living, but I know in my heart I’m doing the right thing for her. I’m at peace that mom may never understand why these choices were made, She has be diagnosed by medical doctors as no longer having the cognitive ability to manage her affairs and live safely on her own.
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disgustedtoo Oct 2019
Try not to let things she says get to you. It is hard not to, but you know it is the dementia talking, not really your mom.

Since she has dementia, can you try different tactics? Don't TELL her she can't move back, try to change the subject, make some excuse or lay the blame on her doctor. You can't really argue with or explain to someone with dementia.

Sometimes leaving an "opening" for them is enough. Later, after you get a little better, when the work needed on the place is done, when the doctor says it is okay. whatever "excuse" might work - just don't put a hard date on that! I've done this with mom, leaving the "door" open for "later" and she might be a little sad, but says okay.
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When he says he wants to go back to the house, change subject & say bye ...see you next week same time! Most of them always say they want to go home...which means their childhood home . Hugs 🤗
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You know that he can't go home. So I guess it's mostly how do you deal with him telling you he wants to go back home. Sorry, dad, this is your home now.

As stated already, he doesn't have to like it. But he needs WAY too much care to live at home alone. Or with one other person, who would burn out in a very short amount of time. It's just not worth it.

I think you should make the choice and be firm about it in your own mind so that you can stop wondering and worrying and waffling, etc. You probably know that letting him go home would be a disaster. So, find ways to deflect the comment, give a vague answer and let it roll off your back.

Talk to the staff and make sure they are on the same page and that they won't encourage any talk of going home. This is your home!

I wonder why he wants his PT? Do they have any exercise classes there? That's kind of like PT. Or you could pay someone to give him PT/exercise with him?

Good luck
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sallyb13 Oct 2019
Yes I have been thinking of paying someone to come in and do PT with him since Medicare isn't a possibility anymore. They do have exercise classes there, but he never goes.
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