Hi,
I have only posted here once before, but I literally go on here every day because I find it such a comfort. My parents both fell ill at the same time and they were unable to move back to their house. I had asked and then begged them to move closer to me or sell their house and move to somewhere in their area more friendly to seniors, but my Dad refused to move.
After they fell ill it was suggested I move them into a nursing home from rehab, but I found them a place in assisted living (the place they are in can take people who should be in a nursing home). My mom ended up dying about 16 months ago. My Dad moved into another room in assisted living about a year ago to get a fresh start (he picked the room and made the decisions). Now lately he has been very insistent he wants to move back to the house. He is in a wheelchair and paralyzed on his left side and cannot walk anymore. He is incontinent and has a history of severe urinary tract infections. When he gets a cold or gets ill he gets very, very sick and more and more his throat gets impacted and he has to go on a special diet with ground up food (they do that for him there). They take great care of him and they really like him. He hasn't had a bad UTI in a long, long time and he was getting them constantly when he lived at home with my mom.
I feel for safety reasons he shouldn't move back home. I am worried about trying to juggle care takers and figure out medication and food and feel something catastrophic would happen. I come back and visit a lot, but even if I lived in the house with him I wouldn't be able to help much because he is like dead weight and he needs trained professionals because of all of his special health concerns.
He seems unable to process how precarious his health is and believes he is in better health than he is. He doesn't think he needs 24/7 health care.
Does anyone have any suggestions or tips for me? He's upset he isn't getting PT, but he was cut off from medicare PT because they say he is at his baseline. I then was able to get him PT to help him transfer from the bed to the wheelchair, but he reached his baseline on that as well.
The thing here is this: needs are one thing, preferences are another. Sounds like Dad's needs are being met in this facility. Preferences? ONLY if it works for EVERYONE who would be helping. It is simply a matter of common sense and fairness. Fact is Dad's health is in decline - of course he wishes he could go back to the pre-decline past, but there is no time-machine. And the caregivers are just as much entitled to their lives as Dad is! And that is the real issue as far as I'm concerned. None of us have the "right" to devour another's life. And what parent, thinking clearly, would wish to?
You are in a difficult place. It is emotionally upsetting to not be able to do all we want to for our parents. He lives in an assisted living facility, does he still have a house he owns? Let him know you love him and you are more than happy to do whatever you can within your means to make him comfortable. Love him, visit him and keep the thought that you are doing what is best for him. He sounds medically complex. Unless you have the means to hire appropriate care, it sounds unsafe to take him home. That may not make him super happy but that is OK because you know he is safe. Maybe he would like company for dinner or ride in his chair around the grounds. Play cards and visit as often as you can. Do the best you can to make him comfortable. The results of that will be much better than taking him home to live alone. He may not even realize he cannot take care of himself. Hugs and strength.
With that said, give him options for what he can do. PT (physical therapy) doesn't stop when the perceived baseline is reached, he can and should continue to exercise his ability to care for his self. Make sure he does everything he can for his self even pouring is own drink, cutting his meat so small to not choke. (Safely) Change his own clothes, brush his teeth, shaving (and cleaning the sink up) get in and out of the bathroom....... these everyday challenges we take for granted are impossible after loss of these functions. Give him things to occupy him and help with moving.... even a checker board takes control of hand, thinking and socializing. Get out of his room and make friends!