My dad is a "downwardly mobile" product of the 60s -70s. He is now 76, and after two rounds of chemotherapy, is unable to pass the Wisconsin winters at his place which does not have indoor plumbing and only wood for heat. This lifestyle was fine for 45-50 years, but it's too much in the winter. My dad spent about a year in 2015, and then the winter of 2016-17 with my husband and I, but we live in a small house, and while we don't have kids, we no longer have private space for ourselves, dad NEVER goes anywhere, and we are pretty much at each other's throats all winter. My dad expects to stay again. I'm not sure if he's filled out the application for senior apartments near his home, and I don't think it occurs to him that his presence is hard for us. I'm not sure what to do. I feel like I have to choose between my husband and father. My husband has been angry and stressed out by the prospects of dad moving in again. I feel trapped. When dad lives here I tend to drink too much and do too much shopping as an escape, neither of which are good. I'm also an only child, and my parents are divorced.
It is good that you are aware that you do these things, why, and that these coping mechanisms have negative results. Such self awareness is a good first step. Possibly someone who understands family dynamics can help you to deal with this which in turn would help you in feeling stuck between your husband and your dad.
Many seniors with big homes but empty nests are opening their homes to other seniors. It's like real life Golden Girls.
Your dad *needs* to be around people his own age. You can let your dad know that you and your husband have discussed the winter and feel it's best for all of you that he give a new winter arrangement a try.
Respite care?